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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 42 - Holiday Tips
Dear Readers: Since life is crazy this time of year, I am forgoing my usual format and instead sending a few tips on holiday gift-giving for your children. We all wish our children to be altruistic and fear raising greedy, materialistic, eternally unsatisfied and unappreciative, present-mongers when we hear the begging and pleading for the long and expensive list they present to you or Santa. Here are a few suggestions:
1 - Never use the promise of a gift as a reward or punishment for desired behavior. Your discipline is what is called for in the moment of the behavior and using the threat of not getting a wished-for present is pure bribery. It will not stand up over the long haul, and the stakes will continue to get higher. "If I take out the trash, will you get me ---?" Whatever your children get for Christmas or Hanukkah is your choice. And never threaten children with Santa's generosity. Santa, in my mind, is a symbol of unconditional giving. We should never cause children to fear his withholding because of bad behavior.
2 -Unfortunately when parents cannot afford to step in for Santa, the giving is difficult. So an important message for children (but not to be used as a plea for appreciation) is that there are so many children in the world whose parents cannot afford presents and for those, it's nice to help out. Get children involved in Operation Santa-type events. They don't have to know that Santa won't bring them presents, just that there will be no extras from parents. Also encourage children to give gifts to relatives-first that they pick out and you buy, and later ones they pick out and buy. Allow them to learn the joy of giving as well as getting.
3 - It is a good idea to get in the habit of Santa being responsible for no more than 1, 2 or 3 presents. That helps them understand the need to help others (above) as well as curtailing wish lists. If there is a list of 12 gifts, you can remind your child that Santa doesn't leave that many so to select favorites. That way they are not disappointed when they don't get all they ask for. Hanukkah has a sensible tradition of one gift per day, although I'm sure many parents forgo that as well and get into trouble.
4 - Do not allow feelings of guilt to guide your gift- giving. Many parents feel guilty about not spending enough time with their children, about not having enough money to get them what they want or what their friends have, about the divorce their children hate, etc., etc. When you buy a present, ask yourself, "Am I getting this because I feel guilty or because I want to get this for my child?"
5 - It's a good idea to let your children know that the Santas they see are people pretending to be Santa for fun. Some call them Santa's elves. Allowing them to believe it's the "real Santa" causes problems when the "real Santa" looks very different from that last one they saw. Especially if the beard and wig or the clothes are exposing something unSanta-like underneath! Santa's existence can remain a mystical, fairytale as it is meant to be.
6 - When children want lots of too-expensive gifts, there is no need to feel guilty or angry about their desires. Nor do you have to buy them. What does cause angry reactions and tantrums is when they feel put down with things like, "We can't afford that, you should know that," "Money doesn't grow on trees you know," "Why can't you be appreciative of what you have?" "You never play with the toys you've got now." The normal developmental adage to live by is: A child's job is to get what he wants when he wants it. It is okay. The maturing process allows him to learn that getting what he wants now isn't always realistic. But that lesson is hard-learned if he doesn't get to experience disappointment. You can always validate your child's desire and disappointment. "Of course you really want that. I would too if I were you. And I know how disappointed you feel when I tell you it's too expensive for us." There may be tears, but they are less likely to be angry, reactive tears.
7 - Remember their agendas. They want what they want because they live in the culture in which they are being raised. Demanding their appreciation for a life they do not understand how to compare themselves to is confusing at best. But when their agendas are respected and considered ("You really wish you could have _______, and it's disappointing not to get it."), and they feel appreciated, their appreciation for all you do will grow internally over time. Be patient.
8 - Remember what they will recall over the years is the moments of tradition, the moments of unconditional love, the special times of doing something together when fun and laughter and connection are abundant. Think of your favorite times with a parent. They probably have nothing to do with getting presents.
I hope you all have wonderful holidays. I'll write again in January.
By the way, the CD version of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons can now be purchased on the website through PayPal on the CD page as well as here:
News
For Christmas: Order a 6 CD set of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons by emailing us and ordering a set for $29.95 plus shipping. We have a paypal account set up on the website for convenient ordering.
February 1-3, 2008 in London. I am giving a professional training in The Effective Parenting Workshop for parents of 1-5 year olds If you are interested in attending or in setting up a training in your area, email me at bh@bonnieharris.com. February 1-3, 2008 in London. You can check out more information on my website. Click services, for professionals.
I will be leading an 8 week class, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons at The Family Center in Peterborough beginning Thursday morning March 6th. Contact The Family Center at 603 924-6306 or email Tamara at thuston@thefamilycenter.us.
This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us.
What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003).
In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children's ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away!
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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© 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com
