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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 30 - Setting Intentions
Greetings!
"Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts. A well-directed mind creates more happiness than even the loving actions of your parents."
— Joseph Goldstein
As your thoughts go, so goes your mind, and your experience follows. Holiday time can be overwhelming, especially with little children. Hopes and anxieties are high. Families come together and the pressure turns up. Be aware of your thoughts. Set your intentions and stay in control of your experience.
Discussion of Key Points: Setting Intentions
Much of life is out of our control. But our thoughts are in our control. The problem is we usually don't do much about them-they just come. And whatever they are, they set up our experience. So why not put some consciousness on your thoughts this holiday season and set them on what you want. If you know your child is going to feel overwhelmed and get silly or have a meltdown in front of the relatives, set intentions with your child. This is very different from trying to get her to do what you want. Before the event, find that window of opportunity when you are both in a good place and set the scene together. "Remember how things can get crazy when the family comes together? Grandpa got mad at you last year and you got very upset. Let's do some 'what ifs' for this year and make sure we know what we're going to do." Playing out some possible scenarios will be a game to your child and can help immensely when the time comes. Letting her get out her feelings about Grandpa will help knowing that you understand will release anything that has built up that could provoke a bad scene. Make some fallback plans. "If all else fails and you don't know what to do, what kind of a signal can you give me so I'll know? Then we could go to another room and talk." Holidays are especially difficult with all those eyes watching, and we chronically revert to patterns we established with our parents when we were young, like them or not. If you can think of one or two classic examples of a pattern you are likely to encounter-i.e., your mother makes comments about your hair, weight, spouse or child's behavior and you get resentful and defensive, then she gets hurt and makes it your problem-think it through in your mind and write your part of the script the way you would like it to go. Whether it be ignoring her or saying something like, "I know you're concerned about me/my child, but what I need most from you is your support," if you plan it ahead, set an intention on how you want it to go, you might be able to change some patterns.
We get ourselves in trouble when we expect others to be how we want them to be but expect them to accept us the way we are. We first need to accept others, even and especially our children, the way they are, then we can decide how we will respond. Anticipating difficult situations and setting intentions can stop those old knee-jerk reactions.
Questions and Answers
Peer friendships:
Q. My 8 yr. old daughter, M, started playing with B last year and became her best friend. Towards the end of the year M became quite possessive of B. The situation escalated when B's mother decided to "ban" B from playing with M. When this school year began, the ban was still on. I learned of it for the first time and also talked to the other mum. M was confused and angry, thought B was lying about the ban, called her a liar and shouted at her which is very unlike M. She was still not ready to talk to me about it, so I couldn't comfort or reassure her. It seems to me that girls this age don't know how to play in groups at school. I will organise more playdates for M with other friends, and keep communicating with her teacher. I find it very difficult when the other mother calls frequently to discuss this. She seems to be projecting adult expectations and anxiety onto B by daily inquisitions about life at school. So the girls are not left to resolve this between themselves. M has been saying she doesn't want to go to school, and I can tell it has affected her. Any tips about friendships?
A. Friendships between girls this age are tough and can get far worse. You're right about them not having the skills to handle the blows of hurt feelings and "bans" with each other. It is so tempting to tell our children what they should do, projecting ourselves onto the situation — sounds like what the other mother is doing. The most effective choice is to be your child's advocate and coach her through her problem without telling her what to do. She will be more likely to share what is going on if she knows you are not going to do something about it. If she says something like, "Nobody likes me," the best thing to begin with is validation of her feelings, "It must feel really crummy to think that nobody likes you" or "Boy, I'd feel confused and angry if suddenly my friend said she can't play with me anymore. I wonder what's up." When you connect with her feelings and then position yourself as a sounding board for her to bounce her own thoughts and feelings off of, she will have the chance to hear herself. She may need to let down and cry or get really angry. Let her. Then facilitate her thinking through her own problem-solving. "What would you like to do about this? What would you say if you could say anything you wanted to her? Now what do you think you could say that she could hear without feeling blamed or hurt back? Is there something you'd like me to help you with?" These questions send her the message that she is capable of handling the situation and that you are her ally. The most important aspect is not to fix it for her. That doesn't allow M to learn how to manage her way. When the other mother calls, it may be best to say that all you can do is help M through this without getting the two mothers involved. Maybe she'll take the hint. It might be helpful to read some of Michael Gurian's work on the difference between boys and girls brains and how that influences friendships.
Curfews:
Q. I have a 16 yr. old daughter home from boarding school after 3 years. Since school started, she has been with "friends" every evening till 8 or 9 PM. On weekends, she has been out at least till 11 PM. She wants me to extend weeknight curfew to 9 PM and to midnight on weekends. I had said no, that she needed to be home by 6-7 PM at night and by 9 PM on weekends. She said that she does not have homework and gets bored at home with nothing to do. She brought home her first grade report, mostly As & Bs, except a D in Biology and an F in Language Arts. What are your thoughts on curfews hours?
A. My view on curfews is to establish them only when you and your child are in agreement and only if the child needs one. You can agree each day when she should be home, and if she complies, no need for a curfew. But this depends on a good, mutually respectful relationship. Curfews rarely work if they are imposed against a child's will. The two of you can discuss school nights and weekends, what her friends' curfews are, what she wants, what you think is right, and find a balance to agree on. When she says what she wants, hear her, let her know you understand that her friends are more fun to be with, then add, "I am not comfortable with 9 every school night especially since you have a couple of concerning grades. I need reassurance that your work will get done, that you will be safe, and get plenty of sleep, etc." When you state your need and don't tell her what she has to do, you will get more cooperation — same for weekends. Try not to stay stuck on what you want but negotiate with an open mind. She is asking for more freedom. Perhaps one or two nights she could have 9:00 if she's home earlier on other nights and she gets to decide which nights. Perhaps you're willing to extend on weekends if she calls at a specified time or if she meets you more than half way during the week. There are so many variables. Try to think of it more as an agreement than a curfew, which sounds so dictatorial to a kid. I would also want to know why she came home from boarding school, is she rebelling against too much control, what does she think about her D and F, etc. If she is breaking the curfew consistently that is a signal of rebellion and resistance to a lot more than a curfew. The more you tell her what she has to do, at this age especially, the farther you will push her from your realm of influence.
Distractedness:
Q. My 5 yr. old daughter started Kindergarten this year. She fits well into Kurcinka's definition of a spirited child, with very intense feelings, lots of determination, persistence, and super perceptiveness. I am a strong believer in positive discipline, and it has paid off. She is becoming much more able to control herself and is such a joy to be around! I know that all her spirited traits will be wonderful attributes when she grows up. One problem that we are trying to address is her distractedness. It pushes my buttons, her dad's buttons and her teacher's buttons! While she can focus intently on activities that fully engage her, it is hard to get her through daily tasks like getting dressed, eating, going places etc. She simply lives in her own world, and we struggle to get her into ours long enough to focus on what we, or her teacher, ask. In addition she fiddles and does not use active listening body language, even when she is absorbing. It makes us all feel like we are not being paid attention to even when she is hearing and understanding you. I know these symptoms are in line with ADD, but it's not that severe for a diagnosis. I think we just need to learn respectful ways to help her get along in the 'real' world while not making her feel punished or threatening her self-confidence.
A. So many children in school show symptoms of distraction when their particular minds are not engaged or not understood. It sounds like you have come so far in understanding her and only need a bit more tweaking to fully accept her. Remember she does not care at this age about getting dressed, eating if she's not hungry, or going anywhere else. It's developmentally appropriate, though annoying, for her to be in her own world. If she feels judged, it will be that much harder to get her out of it. I'm with you on not going for an ADD diagnosis unless she cannot function successfully. You indicated that she fiddles even when you know she is absorbing what is going on. Let her fiddle. Plenty has been written about children who listen better-and actually can only listen-when they have something to do with their hands, something to put their focus on other than who is talking to them. Sometimes they hear better in school when they are looking out the window. I'm guessing that buttons are getting pushed because of expectations about paying attention. We all had to have "eyes up front." Try making a list on a dry erase board with a box for checking after each task. Often putting a check in the box can be motivating. Don't expect her to look you in the eye when you ask her to do something. Let her know uncritically that you simply need to know if she has heard you and ask if she will repeat back what she heard — or does she have another idea to let you know. Her teacher can do the same. If she feels accepted and understood for how she learns and listens, all kinds of "tools" can help her. But expecting her to stop, look, and listen is unrealistic for her.
Stories from Readers
In the last hour of our trip to New York City, I was walking with my 9 yr. old to meet the rest of the family. Suddenly he said "Mom, I've decided what I'd like for my NY souvenir." It was a computer game he'd seen in a shop 27 blocks away in the wrong direction! My button got pressed. My assumptions? He always does things at the last minute, he'll blame me if I say we can't do it now, and, perhaps most importantly, I was helpless to rescue him from disappointment. So, what did I start to do? Berate him! Because I was afraid he would be sad and disappointed?! Thankfully, my training with you clicked in and I cut my tirade off mid-sentence realising it was not my job to rescue him from disappointment. Instead, I simply empathised. "That sounds like exactly the sort of souvenir you would really like. The store is 27 blocks away. I don't think we can get there and then meet Dad on time. I know how disappointed you will be if you can't get the game." Nick didn't burst into the expected tears nor did he rail at me. He was silent for about 15 seconds, then said in a reasonable tone, "Mom, if we call Dad and ask him to meet us there rather than where we were planning, would it be possible?" Now it was my turn to pause. "You know what, Nick, there is a subway stop right near there. If Dad meets us there we'd have plenty of time to get to our hotel and meet our airport taxi. What a good idea. Let's see if we can reach him." This ended up being one of the few computer games of his that I treasure.
My husband, two kids and I had had a nice dinner together and then watched a movie. After my husband left everything fell apart. Both kids were aggravating me, I was tired and not feeling well - also PMSing (that seems to be when everything falls apart for me!! Thank goodness I am learning to recognize it). My younger son finally got in the bath and was YELLING for me, "can you get my underwear?" I was too tired to put up another fight so I did. He came to get in bed with me and they both began fighting to sleep with me. My younger started sobbing; I picked him up and asked, "are you missing me or just tired of feeling rejected?" He said kind of both. I said "your brother is not rejecting you, he just wants time with mom alone. I have not been doing enough of that lately huh?" They both stayed in bed and we worked out an alternating sleeping plan. My revelation was that we had spent one on one time earlier but not for the last two months. We lost our scheduling and everything fell apart. When I spend one on one, things are so much better.
News
Please keep sending your questions and stories. I may choose some for my next book so please indicate in your email if you DO NOT want me to use a rewrite in my book — no names of course. The newly designed website is NOW up and running. Please let us know what you think.
I'll be in Alberta Canada mid January (where it was -29o F the end of Nov!) to give a professional Buttons training. This training is closed to their district.
Jan. 25, I'll be giving a talk on When Your Kids Push Your Buttons at Florence Rideout School in Wilton, NH from 7:00-9:00 pm. Contact - Karen Bourn 603 654-9716 or krb@tellink.net.
8 week When Your Kids Push Your Buttons class at Happy Valley School, Peterborough
Wednesdays 6:30 — 8:30 pm. Starting Jan. 24. Open to general public after Jan 12 if not full...
Buttons Revisited — a follow-up class for anyone who has ever done a Buttons workshop.
4 Thursdays in February at The Family Center in Peterborough 9:30-11:30 am. Childcare available...
6-CD sets of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (read by me) are available by contacting kristin@bonnieharris.com or by sending $29.95 plus $2.30 postage (for Continental US addresses) to Bonnie Harris Core Parenting, 152 Windy Row Peterborough, NH 03458. Includes a 7th bonus disk with printable pdf files of the exercises from the book.
This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us.
What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003).
In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children's ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away!
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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© 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com
