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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 10 - Don’t take it personally Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. Thank you. Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story. 2. Discussion of key points – Don’t Take it Personally A magazine interviewer said to me that she thought the main message of my book is not to take your children’s behavior personally. I really think that is the crux of it. She thought that was exactly her problem and wanted to stop. But she still didn’t know how. How do you suddenly stop allowing your children’s words and behaviors to penetrate and push your buttons? The answer, is slowly with patience and continued awareness. When I’m working with parents on this, I often describe the cartoon on p.86. The mother is trying her hardest to deflect those oncoming button pushers with a shield, but the onslaught catches her off guard, and her shield is unable to protect her as the remarks hit her hard. This perfectly illustrates taking it personally. Once those remarks, attitudes, behaviors, etc., are allowed to penetrate, it’s next to impossible to respond neutrally and effectively. Each of us has a different type of shield. Our shield consists of the thoughts and assumptions we have about ourselves and our children. And they usually correspond with how we feel about ourselves. If they are mostly negative, we feel far more defensive when those buttons get pushed than when we are able to protect ourselves with a shield of competence and self-confidence. Some of us have deep, old wounds that get tapped every time a button is pushed so that we feel threatened when a child says something like, “You’re stupid,” and we react defensively. When that shield fails to protect, we are most likely feeling fear of some kind. Next time your button is pushed, see if you can identify the fear that is triggered. Make a quick note of it so you will remember the important aspects later on when you have time to think. Most of our buttons are about fear—fear for our child or fear for ourselves. Is my child going to be alright? Am I going to be able to do the best for him? And many of our reactions are attempts to deflect that fear. We yell at our children and punish them to try to get them to behave in a way that doesn’t upset us, that doesn’t push our buttons. We don’t want to feel that fear, and so we put the blame them for making us feel it. But our fear is not their problem. Allow your fears, don’t try to squelch them by making your children behave the way you want just to make your life easier. They need to learn for their own sake, not yours. Be with your fears and doubts. They are a part of parenting, they come with the territory. We fear for the safety and happiness of our children. We fear for our competency. But controlling our children to keep that fear away is not the answer. Find out what your fears and doubts are telling you, what you can learn from them. It’s okay to have them. It doesn’t mean you are a bad parent. When you can allow the fears and doubts, you will be less defensive. When you understand that you don’t have to come up with an answer each time a new dilemma appears, you are protecting yourself from taking it personally. In vulnerability, you will find strength. So a “You’re stupid” may initially hurt your feelings, but you won’t need to scream at your child or decide you have to enforce strict punishment to insure she will never say it again. When your shield protects you from taking the remark personally, you can respond with something like, “I know you don’t like what I’ve told you—I don’t expect you to. But it doesn’t mean that I’m stupid. Nor would you saying something that I don’t like mean that you’re stupid. I would never call you that, and I trust you will never allow anyone else to call you that.” When you don’t take your children’s behavior personally, you can use each occurrence as a teachable moment. In fact, you will relish in the opportunity of the problem when you are more neutral because you can actually help. Remember, you don’t have to have the correct answer in order to respond from a place of integrity. Stay present, put your fears aside for the moment, and think what your child needs to hear from you in order to be open to actually learn a lesson. 3. Questions from readers: Q. Our 8-year-old son is in 2nd grade and still has tantrums. For example, late afternoon last Sunday, he wanted to watch a TV show after a long Thanksgiving weekend with relatives where a lot of TV had been watched. Before answering, I asked how much homework he still needed to do. Seeing that he had three more assignments left, I said that I wanted him to at least complete one of the assignments before any TV. Before I finished my sentence, he was crying in a fit of anger. His reaction frustrated me so much that I said that if he was not willing to do the one assignment first, then he was not going to be able to watch any TV at all. He thought I was mean and unfair and a liar about how the situation transpired. I probably jumped to the "no TV" conclusion too quickly, but I am so tired of his ranting when he doesn't get the desired answer from me. I want to teach him that ranting and crying is not the way to get what he wants. My husband thinks I get to the argument stage too quickly, and I feel angry because I seem to be the only one taking responsibility for making sure the homework gets done, and so I get the brunt of the ranting. Obviously, buttons were being pushed in several directions. Was I right in holding my ground on this matter, or was I just being stubborn? A. You had every right to restrict TV viewing. There is no reason in the world why he should be happy about you telling him no and that homework needed to be done first. It’s perfectly logical that he would be mad. The reason his anger or disappointment turns into a tantrum is probably due to the fact that you take his remarks about being mean and unfair too personally. When you can anticipate that he will be angry and realize that that is a normal response, then you can allow his anger without engaging him in an argument that escalates both your emotions. Your frustration over his reaction means that you expect him to be adult and responsible. He’s still only 8 and would much rather watch TV than do homework. I imagine if you did not take it personally you could say something like, “I know you think this is unfair. You’d rather watch TV. I’m sure I would too if I were you. Do you want to see what you can watch at 7:00 and then you’ll have a goal for getting your homework done?” If the tantrum continues, you need to draw your boundary and cut out of the argument. Q. I have a 4 year old who has been waking up most nights on average of 1-2 times for the past year, sometimes as many as 4 times a night. Some nights he walks in our room and doesn't say a word, sometimes he says he has a bad dream. Either my husband or myself walks him back to bed, my son tells us to sit with him and then he goes back to sleep. If we leave before he thinks it’s time to, he gets out of bed again! We're all exhausted from sleep interruption. We have tried charts and rewards but they work for one or two nights then the cycle starts over again. Since he also said he didn't like his room, we redecorated it to fit his current 'likes' which is sports. The dog also sleeps in his room to provide company. We thought he would get over this but hasn't. Please give us some new ideas since we're getting extremely frustrated which is apparent in how we speak to our son at 3:30AM! A. Your son’s behavior is certainly telling you that he wants your presence. Remember that we are one of the only cultures that requires our children to sleep alone and away from us. I cannot give you techniques for getting him to stop wanting you with him, since that is his natural desire. I no longer believe we should try to coerce our children into this set-up, although I did when my children were young. What I would try at this point is setting up a sleeping mat, cot, or futon in your room. Include him in the plan and the location of it. Let him know that he can come in during the night if he needs to but the condition is that he may not wake you. Do a practice run during the day with you lying in your bed to see if he is quiet enough. (He will love this!) If he’s not, practice some more. Then at night put him to bed in his own room as usual. Ask him to tell you what he is allowed to do if he wakes up in the night. If he comes to you, tell him to lie down on his mat and be quiet. Each morning go over what did or did not work until he gets it right. Perhaps he needs a tee shirt of yours on the mat to feel closer. If you allow his need to be with you, he will likely cooperate with your needs too. Q. My son who is 11 is having some issues. His dad and I feel helpless. We're divorced and share equal custody. Our boys (11 and 7) see us every other day and every other weekend. We've had this arrangement for 5 years. Our oldest is now in 6th grade with a larger workload for homework. What we see on the outside looks to be laziness. I hesitate to label him (since I read your book) but his dad judges him that way. I'm thinking we're expecting too much of him. Here's what's happening: 1. He comes home and eats a lot, leaves dirty dishes all over the place, trash on the floor, etc. 2. We would like him to start his homework after he's had an hour to relax. He does other things like watches tv or rides his bike or plays video games instead. 3. He leaves dirty laundry, wet towels, etc. just where they fall, like it's not important to him to contribute his share. 4. He procrastinates a lot with homework, says he needs a quiet place but when he has it, he does everything but read. 5. He shoves school papers to the bottom of his backpack, even though his binder is not to have any loose papers. 6. He forgets where he puts assignments or forgets to take them to school and gets very upset and cries. 7. He is extremely down on himself, thinks he's stupid and behaves in a way that confirms that belief. It's so hard for us to not get our buttons pushed and confirm (with our frustrations and words) his belief about himself. 8. He also wakes up EVERY morning soaking wet (bedwetting) since he was born. He feels hopeless about that too. 9. Funny thing is he is smart, he can focus on other things and he doesn't act this way around my family, his dad's family or not nearly this way at school. He admits to both of us that he "saves this behavior just for us. A.  There are more situations here than I can answer fully, but it sounds like you have a typical, lethargic 11 year old. No 11 year old I know wants to clean up after himself, get to his homework instead of playing a video game, pick up his wet towels or keep an organized school binder. That doesn’t mean he can’t. It means he doesn’t care to. When a child doesn’t care, there is reason to dig below the surface to see what’s going on. A child who doesn’t care, feels pretty unimportant, hence the idea that he’s stupid. To start, I would think that an every-other-day back and forth between Mom and Dad’s would be very disruptive. Where is home? Of course he forgets where he left assignments and homework. It must feel very disjointed. Even though it has been going on for 5 years, I would find a way to get his perspective on this. Perhaps a counselor is a good idea as long as he would like to do it. Be sure it doesn’t make him feel like “the problem.” As for the bedwetting, I imagine you have worked with a doctor on this, but have you tried the device that wakes the child up at first sign of wetness? You’re right to question your assumption that he is lazy. Lazy is a choice. I don’t think he is choosing this behavior. It’s coming from his internal confusion or lack of self-confidence. It also sounds as though you give him too much choice in what he does after school. If you want him to do homework, and he ends up choosing a video game or bike riding, who’s in charge? You need to work out a plan together and stick to it. Maybe he needs to wait until after dinner for homework, but whatever is worked out must take precedence. Perhaps your guilt over his unhappiness, the divorce, leads you to “let” him procrastinate. Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories In response to the last newsletter: “Allowing in fantasy” really helps to defuse some situations. You taught me this in one of your parenting classes and it is still part of my repertoire. When I first heard about this in class, I couldn’t really roll with it, it felt deceptive to me. But, as you explained, we really like this even as adults; many among us have had a momentary wish, expressed it to a friend, received an affirmation right back from the friend…and then moved on. Even though my children are older and wiser and they know what I’m up to when the conversation turns to “fantasy”- it still defuses the immediate situation. You had suggested using a punching pillow for my daughter Abby 5 for her anger towards her brother David 2 1/2. Last week David and Abby were having a hard time controlling their urge to hit each other, so we talked about making a punching pillow. Abby decided she would prefer a doll to punch, and I went to work on making the “punching doll” as we now call it. I used an old white sheet and the stuffing from an old pillow. I left it blank until Abby got home and then gave her the job of decorating it with fabric paints. She enthusiastically drew a happy face complete with smile on one side of the head, and then (this was her own idea) she turned the doll over and made a really angry, mad face on the other side. We talked about dressing it, but she opted to draw the clothes on the doll instead. After looking at it for a few minutes she said, “Oh I forgot one thing,” and she got the pink paint marker out and drew a heart on the angry face side. I asked her why and she said because that shows he is still good on the inside even though he is angry. This blew me away—that she knows it’s okay to be angry and still be a good person. We worked it out that whoever is using it at the time can call it whatever they want. Abby said, “You can even bite it, David, if you want to.” They talked a little about what they would do to the punching doll and each of them laughed at the thought of it. Funny thing is they don’t use the doll to punch, Abby sleeps with it and even brought it to school the next day for show and tell. It was also healing for me because before reading your book I would have not been so open to allowing the normal anger that siblings have and be able to redirect it in a healthy way. I would have remembered back to my childhood and people saying things like, “Oh you don’t hate your brother. Don’t say that. What if you didn’t have a brother?” etc. I would have laid a whole guilt trip on my poor kids because of my stuff. But once I realized why my button got pushed, I was able to accept that it’s okay for them to be angry at each other and unrealistic to expect that they will always get along. By allowing them their angry feelings, the anger won’t get pushed under the rug like it did with me, only to come up years later in another way. Also, it allowed me to have my anger and express it in a healthy way. I think for a woman to be angry is scary and unacceptable in our society. So I feel really good about breaking that cycle with my own kids and in the end myself too. 5. News For local NH readers: Television opportunity for WGBH Public Television I’m still compiling families for an 8 week When Your Kids Push Your Buttons group to begin the first of March and to be filmed by WGBH for their pledge drive. There is no charge but commitment to the 8 weeks is essential. If you are interested see more details in the last newsletter on my website (archives) or send me an email. When Your Kids Push Your Buttons was listed on the NY Post best parenting books list! If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com