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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 29 - Something About Happiness
Greetings!
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
-Anais Nin
One of the hardest things for parents to do is to get out from behind our own eyes and see how life looks from behind our children's eyes — or hear how we sound through their ears. Yet no parenting skill is greater.
Discussion of Key Points: Something About Happiness
The following poem was read on NPR by Garrison Keillor. I found it so poignant for all parents, I had to include it in the newsletter. With permission from the poet, I reprint it for you. Keep it in mind the next time your child finds joy in something you do not.
"Coconut" by Paul Hostovsky
Bear with me I
want to tell you
something about
happiness
it's hard to get at
but the thing is
I wasn't looking
I was looking
somewhere else
when my son found it
in the fruit section
and came running
holding it out
in his small hands
asking me what
it was and could we
keep it it only
cost 99 cents
hairy and brown
hard as a rock
and something swishing
around inside
and what on earth
and where on earth
and this was happiness
this little ball
of interest beating
inside his chest
this interestedness
beaming out
from his face pleading
happiness
and because I wasn't
happy I said
to put it back
because I didn't want it
because we didn't need it
and because he was happy
he started to cry
right there in aisle
five so when we
got home we
put it in the middle
of the kitchen table
and sat on either
side of it and began
to consider how to get inside of it
'Nuff said.
Questions and Answers
Q. My 10 year old son is giving me great difficulty and I'd love your help. Most of the time he is a loving, funny, independent boy. He wants to do the right thing, and tries hard to get life right. But he has a temper, and when he loses it, we are all in trouble. He's vicious to his little brother, is fantastically rude, shouts at everyone, and most alarming recently, has started to use physical violence, throwing things at people and actually frightening me. He's very big for ten, and getting bigger. I am very frightened of violently expressed anger, and in a calmer moment he has acknowledged that he enjoys seeing me scared. But in the moment I'm lost and shout back - obviously to no avail - and I feel like giving up on the whole family! Any thoughts?
A. Your son's aggressive behavior is your cue that he is getting the wrong message about himself. He has gotten off track and doesn't know how to get back on. Don't take his statement about enjoying you being scared at face value. My guess is he hates you being out of control but will take the reins if he thinks you won't or can't. It is important that you find a way to remain relatively calm when he explodes. Do what you need to keep him and others safe, stay close, but otherwise wait until he has calmed to say anything. Understand that he is hurting inside (don't say that to him) so you will find compassion for his turmoil. Think 'he's having trouble with impulse control' rather than 'he's so violent'. When he is calm, acknowledge what he was after from his point of view. This will need some practice to be able to get into his head to understand what he needs to hear. When you start with "You must have really been ripped at your brother to say things like that. What are you wishing you could do about him?" it will get him connected to you much more readily than with blame. Be careful you are not sending the message that he is not okay but his brother is. If you are frightened of violently expressed anger — and who isn't — look at what you experienced as a child and how it effected you. You may find a need to protect yourself, necessary when you were young. That experience is not now. Be careful not to project your hidden agenda onto your son. He may have an old resentment or he may just need some problem-solving skills to help him manage a short and intense fuse. Look at "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene — very good at helping you to categorize and understand his behavior. At a good time for both of you, try asking him what pushes his buttons and what he thinks he might be able to do when that happens. Instead of telling him what he must do differently, it will be more effective if he can come up with a solution himself. Put focus on what he does well and what you love about him. Check to make sure there is not a school/learning problem involved. Also make sure he is active enough. Boys need to get things out through action.
Q. My wife and I separated five years ago- fairly amicably and with the understanding that the most important issue henceforth would be the wellbeing of our two children: a girl 9 and a boy 7. Our boy's behavior has become more demanding, attention-seeking and angry. I think he is desperately unhappy with us being apart, and he is trying to get us back together. My logic being that at two years old he would have assumed that the divorce was 'his fault' and would feel responsible for and the need to repair the 'damage' that he'd done. This I find heart-rendingly tragic! I have tried discussing this with him, letting him know that it was not his fault, that we are better apart, but he just gets upset and won't participate. I think it's holding him back and will have long-term repercussions if not discussed. I also wonder how much truth there is in my analysis and how much harm I could be doing in discussing it with him. After asking some questions, I found out that: He socializes very well and is popular with his peers. He is doing well at school. He sleeps well, 9-11 hours a night, has always had a good appetite, is fun loving, physically fit and very active. His relationship with his sister is mostly mutually loving and respectful, although they have been becoming more competitive and physical recently.
A. Although it is not true for you or many males, a general rule of thumb is that boys do not process verbally the way that girls do. They like connecting actively rather than passively, which may be the reason he is acting more aggressively. You're not damaging him by telling him he is not to blame, but you may be turning him off-he may be sick of hearing you talk about it and even think that he is disappointing you by not responding the way you want him to. We often go overboard with our children when something like a divorce happens in order to take care of our own fears. It's good that you are sensitive to his feelings, but don't hover and put him under a magnifying glass. It is almost impossible for kids to talk to either parent about separation or divorce as it feels like a betrayal to the other parent. If he had a neutral sounding board (therapist) he could get things out with no fear of being bad, doing the wrong thing, or encouraging a lot of discussion that he may hate. However his behavior indicates that he is doing quite well. His recent anger may just be his need to get it all out-but in his way. Try wrestling with him, playing basketball, etc. Through activities he may open up. But his overall behavior-with school, sleep, appetite, friends-will tell you a lot more.
Q. My 4 year old son's preschool teacher asked me what works at home for punishment. I quickly responded time out and counting. To tell you the truth, these don't work. My son is a kind and loving kid and gets very offended when we tell him that he is doing something wrong. He doesn't make eye contact and usually runs away. His teacher said he does the same thing. His first preschool teacher asked me the same question when he blew in her face when she tried to make eye contact to tell him to stop doing something. When I tell my son to stop doing something, I start in a calm voice but to get his attention after the third time repeating myself, I start to yell. I know this is my problem, I need to have patience, easier said than done, I have an 18 month old that I am usually changing. How do I reverse this cycle? I want to be able to tell him not to do something without him fighting back. How do I get him to stop throwing sand at school and being to rough with his sister?
A. Your goal is not to find the right punishment to make him do what you want. It is to find out what he responds to, what expectations you can hold for him that he can be successful meeting. When he does something wrong, you now know that making eye contact does not work. When you think that's wrong, you try to force eye contact rather than taking cues from him. His action is telling you that he fears reprimand, punishment, or disappointing you/teacher, and not making eye contact and running away is his attempt to avoid that. The more you do what doesn't work, the more you push him in the direction you least want. The first thing is to stop any form of punishment or coercion-even counting. It creates a pressure that he does not respond well to. You will get his attention when you speak logically and respectfully saying something he can hear. When he throws something or gets aggressive, talk to his energy level - "It looks like you wish you could pick your sister up and squeeze everything out of her. It must get really frustrating to have to share me with her. Especially when I have to take care of her. Lets make a plan for when it can be just the two of us." Or "Your energy really needs to do something hard right now. I can't allow you to throw that, but let's find something you can throw." Rechannel his energy rather than stopping it up. Give him something he can do. His anger is real and not wrong. Stopping it pushes it down only to find another outlet. Rechanneling it allows release and lets him know his feelings, and he, are okay. No one likes being told what not to do. Find ways to be more positive. When he wants to throw, say, "That sand belongs in the sand tray." He will fight back as long as he perceives you fighting him.
Stories from Readers
My six year old son is in 2nd grade. There is a big push to get kids reading. A button pusher for me is getting him to read the book the school sends home. When I tell him it is time to read, he shouts, "I'm not doing it" and runs off. If we sit down together he fidgets, makes wild guesses, blows raspberries, fiddles with things or stares into space! The other day when we were half-way through a book, he said he had to go to the toilet and promised he'd be back. He then ran off and hid. My first approach was to tell him I'd written in his reading diary that he'd refused to finish (misguidedly trying to motivate him!). He shouted that he didn't care and was going to rip the book up. I then stopped and thought "what is going on here?" I said to him, "You know what, I think that Miss Burke has picked the wrong book for you. I don't want you to read any more of it tonight. I'm going to talk to her about it. I made a mistake and I'm sorry I pushed you to read it." In the past I was wary of questioning teachers, but I suggested that the books she had chosen were too difficult for him. She tried him on a simpler level, and he is a different boy around reading. He was pushing buttons because he was feeling so unsuccessful. Since then he sits happily with me, and has even read his books to his little sister. I say, "Now we've found the right kind of books for you, you are sitting quietly with me, you are sounding out the words and if you don't know one, you take a guess." He has even become interested in spelling and we play spelling games on the way to school.
News
My website is being completely revamped, relaunched, and redesigned. Please watch for the new site and let us know what you think; if anything is confusing or difficult, we may be able to make it better.
On December 15 I will be giving a Grand Rounds talk to the pediatric residents at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Hospital.
6-CD sets of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (read by me) are available by contacting kristin@bonnieharris.com or by sending $29.95 plus $2.30 postage (for Continental US addresses) to Bonnie Harris Core Parenting, 152 Windy Row Peterborough, NH 03458. Includes a 7th bonus disk with printable pdf files of the exercises from the book.
This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us.
What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003).
In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children's ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away!
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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