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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 19 - Gratitude Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. See below for ways to order. Thank you. Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story. 2. Discussion of key points – Gratitude I just heard a wonderful talk on gratitude. So many of us choose to focus on the things that go wrong in our lives, ignoring all the many things that go right—the things that we take for granted. When the car doesn’t start or the toaster oven breaks or the computer crashes, we can easily dip into the abyss of how this has ruined my day (or my life), things like this always happen to me, wouldn’t you know this would happen today. We focus on the one thing that goes wrong among the millions that go right that we take for granted—the electricity that automatically works when we flip a switch, the comfortable bed we sleep in at night, the warm home, the food we have in a refrigerator, the ease with which we can wash our clothes, etc. Our perception is our choice. We can focus on our lives however we wish to. How do we focus on our children? Do we let our assumptions go unquestioned? Do we catastrophize to the point of missing the moment while we fret about a fantasy future? Do we worry so much that we are unable to connect with our children? This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t pay attention to problems that arise. Thinking “this is just a phase that’ll pass” often let’s us off the hook of taking responsibility for action (although sometimes it is just a phase). Ignoring a tantrum or sibling fight can be a missed opportunity of important teaching. We must pay attention to it all. And worry comes with the territory. But it’s how we pay attention that makes all the difference. See if you can become aware of how much your worries and your assumptions take you away from the moment in which you could connect. Can you truly listen to your child without spinning into judgments and criticisms of how she should be doing it differently? Can you empathize with her feelings without telling her what to do about it? Just connecting by reflecting what our child is trying to tell us is the most effective form of discipline we can use with our children, and we let it go time after time because our fears spin us into the future where we can’t begin to have control. When your child is misbehaving, try finding something about that moment you can be grateful for. I know it seems crazy, but what if you thought, “I’m so grateful for the spirit my child has” or “Isn’t it wonderful that he feels safe enough to say that to me,” even when he is yelling at you in an unacceptable way. Instead of thinking, “how can he be so ungrateful” or “she can’t talk to me like that,” which will only lead you to anger and blame, try wrapping your mind around it with gratitude. Then you can detach from the anger and be so much more effective when you are able to say calmly, “I don’t like to be spoken to that way. Can you start again please?”—impossible to say when your button has been pushed. What if you were to go so far as to focus on what is positive and even effective about what your child is doing. “I can see how important this is to you. You are really letting me know how you feel and speaking up about it. That’s a good quality to have. Now can you tell me how important it is without attacking me with it.” You are teaching and setting a limit at the same time. But more important, you are supporting your child’s spirit while you are teaching appropriate behavior. Be grateful every time you see that spirit. Please let me know if there are specific aspects of the book you would like clarified or explained more deeply. 3. Questions from readers: Q. As a caring dad of a 4 yr. old girl, I spend a lot of time wondering if I'm "doing it right, doing enough." The group I meet with each week believes that a dad’s role for their daughters is basically to be the type of man they want their daughter to marry because THEY WILL! I would love to hear what you think about that. A. I applaud you for your concern and dedication. In every group I have ever taught (mostly mothers), the biggest concern is, “How do I get my husband on board with this?” More and more of you are out there, so we are grateful. I wouldn’t get too hung up on who your daughter will want to marry because she will knock you for a loop every time, I assure you! She very well may marry someone like you, but he may have aspects of you that you hadn’t even thought of! Your job is to be fully you – honest, involved, and willing to listen and communicate, even when she is at her worst. Finding the balance between your world and hers so that neither of you feel resentful or put upon is the art of parenting. You and your agenda are no more or no less important than her and her agenda. Spending time with her and caring about her life is what she needs from you, and she will count on having fun with you as well. But take her to the dump and to the hardware store and to the bank with you. Don’t change your life to do only what you think she wants to do. She is your apprentice, as all our children are. We need to model normal life for them so they know what to expect. And make sure you stay just as involved with her when she is going through puberty—a classic time for father’s to check out. Q. My 12 yr. old grand daughter, who has the body of an 18 yr. old and lives in CA, will be coming to visit us in New England for 3 weeks. She is quite precocious and has adopted a very macabre style of dress—everything is black hair, clothes, and the Ace of Spades is her "symbol." She tells me that she doesn't want to hang around kids who are not at her level of maturity. I fear she will be viewed as strange and we will be embarrassed by her choice of clothes. So far we have a fairly good rapport though email, and I don't want to alienate her. Our friends here have a 12 yr. old who played with her when they were 9, but both are at different levels of maturity now. A. If you have a good rapport with her by email, by all means hang onto that connection. It will be hard but if you can maintain that even though her appearance feels like an obstacle, you will give her the message that she matters to you more than what she looks like. If you warn your friends about what she will look like ahead of the visit, hopefully you can let go of your embarrassment. It seems she has formed relationships with a "goth" crowd. See if you can be genuinely curious about the Ace of Spades and what it means to her. You must be a good actor because as soon as you sound the least bit judgmental, you will lose her. You as her grand parent have a unique opportunity. It is not your job to set limits on her friendships or her behavior in CA. don't try. What she needs from you is your love and warmth and the little bit of "spoiling" that goes with grand parenting. Not too much, just enough to let her know that no matter how she may be trying to scare you, you love and accept her unconditionally. That is what she needs more than anything. And be yourself. You can tell her that you are a bit put off by how she looks, and you don't understand it—but that you would like to. Start your sentences with "I" not "you"—as in "I'm not sure I get all the black" rather than "You look so macabre." Then you can go into, "I'd really like to understand what it means, because I feel so out of touch with this generation." If she doesn't feel judged or blamed, she may talk. Connecting with her is by far the best you can do. Even if her dress is indicative of a deeper problem, having someone like you to believe in her and be there for her is the most important antidote. Q. I am a mom of two, ages 4 and 6. I have read your Buttons book and taken your course and know how my daughter (6) is pushing my button. She is very shy. Not at all with close friends, relatives or her teachers. But she will not speak to anyone she doesn't know. Even if someone at school speaks to her, she will ignore them, pretend they are not there. It drives me nuts! I feel she is being rude (what I perceive as rude) and I can't stand it. Last year she crawled under a desk when someone said hello to her. A friend of mine said she was extremely shy in childhood and that it was painful for her to speak with people. I don't want her to feel that way. Do I detach and give no excuse for it? Or quietly say she's shy and ignore it? A. It sounds like she too is finding it painful to speak to those she doesn't know or trust. Your job is to focus on the problem she is having rather than how rude she is being. You already know that the rudeness is your assumption and that it keeps you from understanding her. The other important piece is that you not get into her pain with her. Of course you don't want it to be painful for her to speak to people, but if it is, it is her problem, and you can't make it go away by forcing her to talk. What she needs is for you to understand how painful it is for her so she can talk to you about it. Remember she's not always in pain because she is fine with those she feels comfortable with. If you can convince her (through being detached from her pain) that you can understand how hard it is for her, then you can brainstorm with her some possible solutions and maybe do some role play. Also let her know that when it really feels painful, she doesn't have to say anything, but that maybe she could practice with a look or a hello when she only feels a little bit shy. She will grow through this more gracefully if she has you as her ally. Also focus on the times when she is not having a problem and say something like, "You certainly are able to speak your mind whenever you feel comfortable. Those times will grow as you do." Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories I heard some wonderful news about "Tommy" (story p. 168 in the book), who's parent took the risk of him dropping out of school when he was 17 in order to gain connection with him and stop their fighting. Their relationship has been very good ever since. "Tommy" did drop out and has since completed his high school equivalency and has been working at Radio Shack. I just got an email saying, "Tommy" was promoted to manage his own store!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a long way we (you, me and he) have come!!!!!! I'm convinced that his competency at his work stands on the foundation of the relationship that was able to grow back at home. it's all about connection. 5. News I have started a new company, Bonnie Harris, LLC. I have a business manager, Kristin, who will be handling everything I'm not good at! She will be coordinating talks, workshops, engagements of any kind, and new ideas. You can reach her at kristin@bonnieharris.com. She will love to hear from any of you. Coming Very Soon — A CD set of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons. I would like to promise them for Christmas, but.... What I can do is promise either the CD set or a gift certificate for it, in case you would like to give one for Christmas. The cost for the set is $22.00 including shipping, unless out of the country (add whatever shipping to the US would be right for you). As we don't take credit cards yet, you will need to send a check to: Bonnie Harris, LLC, 152 Windy Row, Peterborough, NH 03458. Please include the correct address for shipping. Training certification for When Your Kids Push Your Buttons. April 6, 7, 8, 9 I will be conducting a training for trainers. Any parent educator, therapist, guidance counselor, teacher, pediatrician, etc. who would like to either teach the course or incorporate the theories into their own work is welcome. A training manual with handouts for parents will be included. Cost and exact times to be determined. Keep posted and let us know if you are interested. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com