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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 9 - Saying “No” Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. Thank you. Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story.   2. Discussion of key points – Saying “No” Too often in our “new age” parenting, we lose ourselves in the struggles with our children, the struggles become battles, and we give up fearing the onslaught of unrestrained anger. We desperately want our children to be happy—happier than we were. The problem is that we are still parenting in a win/lose framework. When we can’t say no, we lose and the child wins. In order to maintain balance and not get our buttons pushed, we need a new framework—the win/win model. But we first need to define the model. A win doesn’t mean I get what I want so I’m happy, which necessitates the other not getting what he wants and being unhappy. With a win/win, we are talking about willingness and caring about both self and other—balance. Balance requires me to be willing to meet you but not willing to give myself up. Stubborn, persistent children make it harder to find that balance. So many of us find ourselves “walking on eggshells” to prevent that outburst that means (we assume) that our child is unhappy. A perfect example came to my attention: A mother of a 3 year old wrote about her ordeal: On Sunday, my daughter wanted to wear only one shoe. Sometimes we can work around this and say we are not leaving the house until you wear both shoes. The result may be that we don't leave the house—often to my frustration (she seems to care less). If I force the shoe on, it is an immediate tantrum and she pulls the shoe off. But Sunday we had an important event to get to. So we let her go in the stroller with one shoe which means we have to carry her down the steps. She kept promising to put the shoe on—in the lobby, at the subway, at the event and then not doing it. We had to carry her because it wasn't a place to walk without shoes. She was eager to see her friend at the event and promised she would wear her shoes then. No surprise, she refused. This mother gave herself up several times: staying at home to prove a point, avoiding the tantrum by giving in to her child’s wishes again and again, and letting her make promise after promise and then letting her fault on her promises—not a good message to send about promises. Being in it makes it harder to see where we give ourselves up. We have an agenda to accomplish, and we want to do it the quickest way possible. By not being able to say no, not drawing a boundary or setting a limit, we teach our children that they have control, and we are their pawns. They don’t like this. It doesn’t feel safe. But in the moment, the impulsivity of the child is always going to go for what she can get. Our job as the adult is to take charge and have confident authority. This mother is afraid of her authority because she doesn’t want to be the bad guy or to make her child unhappy. So she will not allow the tantrum or the sadness or the pain that is a necessary component of a win/win model. In this willing and caring model, feelings are respected and allowed. Unhappiness is not seen as any less valuable than happiness. When we prevent our children’s sad feelings (or try—the effort is fruitless), we rob them of wholeness, we prevent them from learning to accept or deal with their feelings. Our society is addicted to drugs and medication to protect us from our feelings, to make us happy. Thomas Moore has written many books (Care of the Soul, Dark Nights of the Soul) about the value of our pain and our darkness that has much to  teach us if we let it. When we “protect” our children from anger or hurt feelings, we do them a great disservice—not to mention what we put ourselves through in the protecting. This mother may be getting her button pushed when her daughter has a tantrum. Granted, many “spirited” children have repeated tantrums which are really annoying and exhausting! But we can allow them if they don’t push our buttons. Being clear about her authority (this does not mean she has to be autocratic), this mother can say, “I know you wish you didn’t have to wear shoes at all. Too bad there’s so much stuff on the ground that can hurt your feet. Sometime it may be possible for you to walk without a shoe but not today. It’s my job to make sure you wear your shoes today so your feet are safe.” Anticipating a tantrum, it’s important to get ready early. 75% of the time we shoot ourselves in the foot by not anticipating and allowing enough time for last minute catastrophies. When the tantrum is over, you can calmly and neutrally say, “Now it’s time to get your shoes on.”  After a few times of maintaining calm authority in various situations, your child will get the message. That doesn’t mean you won’t get a fight anymore—just don’t let the fight defeat you. This is a child who is always going to go for the mile if you give her an inch. It’s important to sometimes give her the inch, just don’t allow it to keep growing. Confidence in your authority and willingness to allow your child to be unhappy about your decision will get you to a balanced place. This is a win/win because the child’s desire (no matter how trite) is heard, acknowledged and considered, yet the parent does not sacrifice to meet that desire. Enough sacrifices mean resentment takes over as the prime button. We can always find a balance when feelings are allowed. 3. Questions from readers: Q. My 8-year-old recently started third grade in a new school. My 5-year-old started kindergarten. My 8-year-old is fairly quiet and doesn't always communicate verbally how she's feeling; her sister does. Big sis is irritated by little sister, some of which I consider normal sibling rivalry but I'm concerned about the increased anger and frustration that I see her exhibiting. I don't know if it's a reflection of the changes in school—she says she likes it but is concerned about finding a best friend. She is taking a lot out on her little sister, physically and verbally. It's a huge button-pusher for me. They squabble constantly and I find myself yelling at them both, particularly when fighting escalates into pushing or kicking. The older initiates the aggressive behavior most of the time. Her sister has the ability to just walk away. I'm an older sibling and fought fiercely with my younger brother for years stemming from my jealousy and resentment that he'd get more attention than me from my mother. I sense these feelings from my older daughter, particularly when she says, "you like Emily more than me." I'm afraid this pattern is repeating itself. How can I work with my older daughter to channel her anger/frustration/fear in a more constructive manner and reassure her that I love her? A. Reassurance of love is fine but doesn’t address your daughter’s issue. It is so tempting to avoid the unhappiness, and go to what is positive—hugs and “I love you’s.” What she needs is to hear that you understand her and accept her jealousy and resentment toward her sister. Your button gets pushed when you think that you are causing the resentment by not giving her enough attention. But this is your projection from your past. Giving her more attention appears to be the solution. Time alone together is always a good thing, but getting to the core of the resentment is the only way to defuse her button. You are not causing it, her sister is. Sometime when you are alone with her, tell her you think a lot about what goes on between her and her sister and that the same kind of stuff went on between you and your brother. Tell her some stories and what you wished your mother would do. Then tell her that you understand how hard it must be to have a sister who seems to sail through life (I’m reading between your lines here), who makes friends easily, who says what’s on her mind—and who she thinks is more loved. You can identify with that! Start out making statements instead of questions so all she has to do is listen. “I can imagine that you must feel resentful because....I know what that feels like, etc.” She will be more likely to correct you, add more or just listen if you don’t ask questions about how she feels. After you talk about it for a bit, you can add how different people are and how she thinks the grass looks greener in her sister’s shoes and get into what her strengths are. If this conversation takes her into complaining about her sister or life in general, let her go there. She needs to get it out. You can say you imagine the new school and finding new friends is hard. Just don’t try to sugar-coat anything. Let her ugly feelings come up. If they don’t come up, your talking about them gives her permission to have them and allows her to feel normal. Q. My 2 1/2 year old son has been having major "melt downs" when things do not go his way. He also insists on Mommy doing certain things and not Daddy. It really pushes my husband's button. He gets very impatient, and we end up arguing about how to handle it. He thinks I give in to Trevor’s whining and crying, and it will make him think he can always get what he wants. A couple examples: Trevor will wake up in the morning and immediately start demanding things. "I want Mommy to bring me downstairs!" (If Daddy tries to do it, it will launch Trevor into a screaming, crying meltdown). Then he may start yelling he wants certain foods (note it is usually 5:30 in the morning). With books at night, he insists that Mommy read. Also I was walking ahead of him up the stairs and all of a sudden he was screaming out of control that I had to walk back down the stairs before he could come up further. In these situations I try to keep in mind that he is 2 and not completely in control of his emotions and also wants control over the situation, so I tend to do what he wants. Is there some truth to raising a spoiled child if he gets his way too often? A. You’re describing the classic, strong-willed 2 1/2 year old. Frustrating as it can be, Trevor is right on target developmentally. So you and your husband can rest easy that you have not created a monster. Handling this stage is the balancing act that this newsletter is all about. You’re absolutely right that he is not yet in control of his emotions. Impulse control kicks in about 3. Rational thought much later. So he should be allowed to have meltdowns. If you don’t take them personally and worry that you are raising a spoiled brat, you can allow him his feelings, and some of what he wants. This is not the time to “teach him who’s boss” and expect him to do as he is told. Trevor is a very outspoken young man and will not be told what to do! But you must also not give yourself up in an attempt to avoid tantrums. As I have said above, allow him his feelings and then set the balance. If his button is defused, your husband can say, “I know you wish Mommy could read to you tonight. You’d really like Mommy all the time. Tonight you have Daddy. You can choose to read with me or wait till tomorrow night when Mommy can read.” If your husband can hang in through the tantrum, Trevor might decide Daddy is okay after he calms down. Children this age classically go through the “Mommy do it” stage. It’s important that your husband bear with it and not take it personally (very hard to do) knowing that this too will pass. Going up the stairs ahead is a battle I wouldn’t fight. Nothing major is lost if you say, “Going first is really important to you today,” and then let him go ahead. The balance is to give him some wins but not every one. You’re not his slave, but you can understand that his desires are perfectly appropriate and acknowledge them. “You know just what you want to eat, but it’s too early just yet for me. Let’s lie down and cuddle for a few minutes before we go down to breakfast.” If you lovingly encourage cuddling in bed without anger toward his demands, he will go for the cuddle. In the kitchen, you can say, “You really wish you could have _____ and you’re mad that I won’t let you have it. If you had a magic wand and could turn everything into your favorite food, what would you choose? What would the refrigerator be, and the sink, etc? What would you eat first?” This is called allowing in fantasy what he can’t have in reality, and it works miracles with 2 year olds. If you tip-toe around his outbursts and let him have what he wants all the time, you can raise a demanding, spoiled child. But you don’t have to crack the whip to prevent it. Q. My 10 year old son is very sensitive and shy at least at first to new situations. He does very well in school and sports, but if anything goes wrong, like he loses a game or we tell him to do homework, etc, he instantly turns on the tears. He presses that button with me and then I lecture or scold him. It is becoming more worrisome because he is getting too old in our opinion for this behavior, and we don't want him to be known as a cry baby. I usually try telling him to go to his room until he gets control of his emotions. Do you have any other ideas? A. “Turning on the tears” indicates your assumption that your son is crying on purpose to be manipulative in some way. That, of course, will push a button. You also know that your son is sensitive and shy. It sounds like that is his temperament. How does a sensitive child handle losing a game or being told to do something he doesn’t like? It’s not the same as for an easy-going, roll-off-his-back kind of a kid. I’m sure he doesn’t want to cry over a lost game. When your button gets pushed, and you react because you fear he is a cry-baby and should be old enough to control himself, you send him the message that it’s not okay for him to be upset or to cry—not a good message, especially for boys.  I understand that you want him to be able to control his tears by 10, but I wonder if your scolding and disapproval has hindered his emotional maturity rather than boosted it. The way to handle it now is to adjust your expectations (a 10 year old is on the cusp between child and adolescent and often reverts to the child), stop criticizing his tears, and don’t let yourself judge him. Then when he does cry over something you don’t think he should, don’t catastrophize to his future character, but also don’t coddle him. Let him have his feelings, express your understanding (“It’s really tough to work so hard at a game and then lose.”) and leave him alone with it. You don’t have to fix it or make his feelings go away. (The theme of this newsletter!) To look at your button, ask yourself how your parents handled your emotions. Was it okay for you to cry, a brother to cry, to express anger or sadness? Or did they have a “get a stiff upper lip” or “toughen up, life is hard” attitude? If you were expected to be mature at an early age, it would certainly push a button when your son can’t do that. Just keep telling yourself, we need as many sensitive men in the world as we can get, especially ones who are able to cry. Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories I had just cooked dinner for my 2 boys. As I began washing the heap of dirty dishes by myself, my oldest boy, 11, brought in a dirty cup, put it on the pile and said, "Here you go Mommy, one more dish for you to wash" and walked away. A couple thoughts came to mind, including: "oh that irritating kid of mine" or "yup, this is always the way, me doing it all as usual... "  But I stopped myself, realizing that my thoughts are my own and not because of him. I have a choice (as I always tell him too) in how to respond (or react). I can choose to keep doing what I always do and expect different results (which really is insanity), or I can begin to see a different perspective. So I called to him, "Derek, please come over here."  He came to my side and I said, "You know something? What you just said reminded me that I shouldn't be doing this job all by myself. I would like you to help me." (I chose personal accountability instead of blame). So he got the job of rinsing dishes and stacking the dish drain. He said he didn't enjoy the job. I said how nice it was to spend time with him and how quickly the job was getting done with two people working together. It also proved to be a good opportunity for him to learn about balancing dishes, a strategic skill I hadn’t realized until I saw him struggle with slipped dishes. I was able to connect with him, show him some ideas and help him see in himself some strengths he hadn't tapped into. I know my own mom wouldn't have been so patient with me as a kid if I had said what he said when he put that cup in the pile. Now as an adult I can see how it can be a constant struggle between identifying and leaving behind broken truths learned in childhood (such as, "I'm bad because I got mom upset or I'm unworthy or not good enough because I always choose to do the wrong thing") — and not dumping those on our own children. It's important to recover from broken truths. Start with yourself, and it can grow from there with our children. 5. News For local NH readers: Television Opportunity with WGBH Public Television WGBH is going to film an 8 week When Your Kids Push Your Buttons class that I will facilitate. I need a group of 8-10 very committed parents (singles and couples) who are willing to participate in this group while cameras are watching. Also needed are 2 families who will be in the group and also have a hidden camera in their homes to capture before and after reactions and responses. Yes, I know, that sounds scary. However, think of it this way: Having a camera watching increases your commitment tenfold to changing the reactions you have with your children to responses that will effect your relationship with them for the rest of your lives. Learn what your buttons are, where they come from, why your children push them and how to defuse them so your responses are effective, your authority is regained, your old patterns are broken, and your children grow to pass on what you are proud to have taught them. This program will begin in March or April and will likely be a Monday or Wednesday evening from 7:00-9:00 somewhere in or around Peterborough. Cost: Free of charge but weekly commitment is essential. Benefit: Your commitment will help thousands of families, who might never join a parenting group, to benefit from your learning. Interested? Call me directly at 603 924-6639 or email me at bh@bonnieharris.com When Your Kids Push Your Buttons was listed on the NY Post best parenting books list! If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com