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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 18 - Examining the Past Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. See below for ways to order. Thank you. Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story. 2. Discussion of key points – Examining the Past One of the hardest sections of the Buttons work is uncovering the limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves left over from our child-mind's perceptions of the messages we got from our parents on our side of The Gap. They intended to teach us or stop us or motivate us in some way, but if their buttons were pushed, they unintentionally sent us the wrong message and we in turn picked up a belief or two about ourselves that told us we weren't important to them, we were a disappointment, we weren't good enough or smart enough, or we were the smart one, the one they could count on, who they could expect great things from, etc. We then set about our lives trying to either prove or disprove who we perceive our parents thought we were/think we are. What I experience in my classes is that many parents are able to quickly put the pieces together and come up with their limiting beliefs (especially when their experiences were obviously harmful), but that many more parents are completely stumped and haven't a clue about how to get at their limiting beliefs. They either have no memory of childhood events or—and this is my theory—learned that their job was to listen and obey, not to feel, think or examine anything other than what their parents told them to. Unpleasant feelings are usually squelched when we are criticized or blamed for having them, and so we do not learn to acknowledge them or deal with them appropriately—in ourselves or in our children. Growing into adulthood and parenthood with an unexamined past leads parents to have little or no understanding of what patterns drive their decisions and reactions. Another aspect that often makes it difficult to understand the messages from our parents is the betrayal factor. No matter what, they are our parents, and we hesitate to say that they harmed us in any way or that our childhoods were less than okay. I for one had no clue as to the unmet needs I still held until I was in graduate school learning about early childhood development and what a child's needs actually are. Although I had a difficult time knowing myself and having the self-confidence to stand up for myself in order to make good decisions, I understood my childhood to be very loving and quite normal. And then there are the parents—unfortunately many fewer—who had wonderful childhoods in which they were never or rarely punished, their opinions and arguments mattered, they felt strong and important, and worked out their problems with parents who were involved in their lives. They are usually not in my classes because they do not have many problems with their children—their boundaries are clear and they know how to handle bad feelings. Remember, this is not about blaming our parents. They did the best they could given the circumstances and the information they had at the time. The same is true of us. But we know a lot more today about what children need and how people work. It is not a betrayal of our parents or our childhoods to examine our lives and the patterns we have come to live with. It is called growth and development. It is important to look at what works and what doesn't work in our lives in order to see what we want to do with our children in order for them to grow to their potential. Any demands of parents that pull children off their center to please and find acceptance and approval set a pattern of expectations and behavior that can lead to problems later on and that keep us from being who we are meant to be. When we can understand what happened that led us to believe certain things about ourselves, we are in better shape to prevent that from passing on to the next generation. And remember, our perceptions were ours. Because we were young children at the time, we didn't have the maturity or individuation to understand them but they should not be blamed on our parents. We must take responsibility for them. Let's raise a generation of kids who don't have to struggle to uncover their childhoods, who don't have to squelch their feelings and memories for fear they won't be accepted or aren't "nice." They deserve to be who they are, not who we think they should be. Please let me know if there are specific aspects of the book you would like clarified or explained more deeply. 3. Questions from readers: Q. I have an 8 yr. old girl who is very outgoing and likes to be the center of attention. She is an only child which I think plays a part. She is great until I ask her to do something like pick up her things in the living room or clean her room. Then she will cry, throw a fit and ask why she has to do it. We do not ask much of her at all. After reading your book, I have changed how I ask her - example: "After this show is over can you please pick up your things?" The reaction is still like I'm nagging her. How can we get her to do as we ask without all the attitude? A. No child who I have heard of so far likes to pick up after themselves, clean their rooms, and do chores. That is not to say they shouldn't. It is critical that children learn that they are important to the functioning of their family. They may not like being asked to take part and gripe and groan all the way, but they will be far prouder of themselves and thus have a stronger sense of competency when they can see how they helped. That said, some children do what is asked easier and with less complaining than others. This happens for two (at least) reasons. One is they are children who have an easy-going temperament, who have an easier time following what authority asks of them and what they don't like rolls off their shoulders more easily. They do what is asked because it is easier for them, not because they have more forceful parents. Then there are the more strong-willed children who do not like to be told what to do, when to do it and how to do it—typically our button-pushers. They put up way more of a fuss when asked to help out. Again this is the temperament of the child and one that many parents are afraid of. We walk on eggshells and try to ward of tantrums and meltdowns often by not asking enough of them. The other reason why even our toughest children help out more easily is the one we have more control over—how our expectations are set, how much these children feel respected, heard and understood, and how much we tip-toe around them or try to make them happy. These are all critical factors. One simple way of setting expectations around chores is the when/then rule. When you have picked up your things from the living room, then we can go. When you pick up all the parts to that game, then I will help you with the rest. When you finish that program, then it is time for dinner. When your coat is hung up, then we can read a book. This simple rule is often helpful at keeping our emotions out of the problem. This is similar to how you are asking your daughter but then you take her reaction personally and call it "attitude." She has a right to complain, moan and groan and feel like she is being nagged. Don't let that get to you. Don't you often complain about—or wish you could—things you don't want to do but still have to do? Watch your expectations. Are you expecting her to do what you ask and be happy about it? If you don't react to her reaction, you can simply stay with what she has to do and remain neutral. Let her know you understand just how she feels. When she feels respected by knowing that it's understood that she doesn't want to do it and has a right to her feelings, she is more likely to cooperate—and maybe not so grudgingly. Q. I live in a blended family with kids aged 14, 11, 10, 8, 8, and 2. They are all wonderful loving children—even to each other. I have had wonderful success with your parenting skills with my three ages 12, 8, and 2. However, my husband is an authoritarian with his three. He thinks that when my children negotiate or question why they are doing something, it's rude and rebellious. I think it shows leadership abilities to think about the "why" behind the rules. We have agreed to disagree, but I feel my children are punished more for behavior I am allowing when my husband is in charge. Any suggestions on how to help the children understand how we parent differently? Or how to compromise on this for our children's sake? A. It makes it difficult when two parents do not agree on parenting but not impossible. If you really have agreed to disagree—a very good thing—then you can share your agreement with the children. All but the 2 yr. old should be able to understand. It's important for you to talk with your children about the discrepancy that you can clearly see and that you understand must be confusing for them. You can share with your children your disagreement with some of your husband's methods without saying that he is wrong and undermining his efforts. I don't agree with his decision to take away that privilege. What do you think of it? How does it make you feel? What do you think he would say if you told him how you felt about it? Ending with - that's dad's decision. If your husband will agree, I would suggest establishing family meetings at least once in awhile to give everyone the opportunity to complain about rules they do not agree with (this includes you and your husband). When your children have the right to their opinions, even if only to you, they will be able to process the "rightness" or "wrongness" of how discipline is handled. It's only when they have no say in the matter are children left to believe they are wrong and must accommodate the wishes of their authority figures at the risk of their own sense of self (see discussion above). Q. I am a divorced mother of a 6 yr. old girl and soon to be 4 yr. old boy. I often find myself overwhelmed with all that a single mom has to do. I go out of my way to give the very best to my children but feel very shameful when I unleash a tantrum in response to their tantrums. My main issue is my son who had to be away from me for visitations with his father when he was only 18 months and still nursing. I think he was very traumatized by this and I feel tremendous guilt. He has many intense tantrums which make it hard for me to get over my guilt. He doesn't like to be told to do anything and really dislikes the word no. My buttons definitely get pushed. I have good days where I feel I have everything under control and other days that make me wonder why I had kids. That is why it's so important that I retrain my thought patterns and lose the baggage. Please help me over a hurdle that still keeps tripping me up. A. You are making the assumption—granted with good reason, but an assumption none-the-less—that your son has intense tantrums and won't hear no because he had to be with your ex too much when he was little. This assumption leads to your guilt, which in turn causes you to react to his tantrums with your own. Your son is tapping into that wound deep inside that probably says something like, I'm not enough, I can't make him happy, It's all my fault, If only I had been a better mother and fought to keep him with me (you fill in the blanks here). It is perfectly possible that your son's in-born temperament is very strong-willed and persistent and has less to do with his early time with his father than with his particular blueprint of personality. I work with many parents from intact homes with children (my own daughter as well) who will not take no for an answer and do not like to be told what to do. I think it will help if you can reframe your assumption from he has been traumatized by his father, to he has a really hard time when he is being told what to do. No matter what the reason, your perception of him is what leads you to respond or react—and responding is better every time. There is nothing wrong with children who won't take no for an answer. They just make parenting more difficult for us. But they will be our leaders one day. Find ways to tell him what he can do when you have to say no. You can jump up the steps like a kangaroo instead of You have to come in the house now. Or You can play again after dinner instead of Put your toys away and come to dinner now. There are many ways to get around telling these children no and still have clear and consistent limits. Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories Thank you for your advice. I sat down and talked to my daughter about her sister and was amazed at all of the information that flowed. She admitted how angry she was at her sister, how frustrated she is that her sister makes friends easily, is more outgoing, etc. and how she feels so shy around strangers and adults. In fact she stayed glued to my side for about two hours after our conversation, which was a new experience for me. The challenge has been to keep my own patience in check and continue talking to her in a way that doesn't discourage her from opening up. I have been seeing the kids doing their own problem-solving again and again! And all it takes is for me just to wait and not jump in. They are quite capable and the more they do the better they get. And now the middle one is doing it with the baby. The no blame approach works every time with all of them. I see now how approaching any conflict with compassion can't help but work. It just makes so much sense. I can't believe I thought so opposite for so many years. 5. News For those of you near Portland, Maine - On Friday, Nov. 18 from 7:00-9:30, I will be speaking with two other authors (Pam Leo, Connection Parenting and Larry Cohen, Playful Parenting) at a conference called 3 Ways to Create Strong Parent-Child Connections. It will be held at Portland High School Auditorium at 284 Cumberland Ave. Advance tickets are $15 ($20 at the door) and can be purchased online at www.ourbirthroots.org or call Birth Roots at 207 772-4784. All proceeds will go to Save the Children's Hurricane Relief Fund. In London, there are still a couple of spaces in the Part 1 Buttons workshop on Nov. 2 and 3. For information, contact Nancy at Albaguinness@aol.com. Part 2 will be held Nov. 7 and 9. For information about the Gloucester, England Parents as First Teachers conference on Nov. 4th contact Pam at PamHoltom@aol.com And Coming Soon - A CD set of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons. I will be selling them directly and through my website. I'll let you know when they will be ready. I'm supposedly quoted in an article in the November issue of Parenting. Haven't seen it yet. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com