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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 8 - Looking for the Opening Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories - Need more! News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose First, I want to welcome over 60 parents to this newsletter from The Philippines and Singapore. I had the great pleasure and honor to be invited to work with these parents in Manila and Singapore and learned so much from my stay. Most interesting for me to see was that, although we have many cultural differences, what we most want for our children and for ourselves as parents is the same cross-culturally. What I took away is a deep appreciation for the value and honor these Asian cultures place on the family and the extended family—something we would do well to learn from. I have written my column on this, which will be on my website after the first of December and in the Monadnock Ledger November 4. This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. Thank you. Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story. 2. Discussion of key points – Look for the Opening So many of us make bold statements, both in word and thought, that we have no right to make. In order to impress others, cover up our insecurities and fears, prove ourselves or a point, take control, or justify our feelings, we make assumptions and judgments about others that cross a boundary line and seldom take responsibility for them. In the case of children, these assumptions can play a big part in forming their identities. If you consider yourself an honest, genuine person who wants to pass on strong values of integrity to your children, ask yourself everyday what you have said or thought to or about your child with absolute certainty that could be damaging and that is merely your opinion or perception conceived in anger or frustration. Can you imagine the length of the list?! Why do we do this? I think the answer is fear. I want to take the chain reaction model of Assumptions causing Emotions (book p. 41) and reverse it. This model shows that our emotions and reactions are not actually caused by our children but by the assumptions, perceptions, opinions, and judgments we make about our children or ourselves. So let’s look at it backwards: Do you ever use an assumption or judgment about your child to justify your feelings about what has happened? For example, your child hits you or swears at you. You react by yelling at your child with a lecture, sending her to her room to “think about it,” and telling her she can’t go to her dance class. You react because you feel infuriated, slapped in the face, and disrespected. You tell your spouse or a friend about it, and you say things like, “Who does she think she is anyway? She’s so mean and disrespectful. Where did she come up with this attitude? She hates me. Look at all I’ve done for her. I’ve a good mind to stop doing anything for her. She’d better watch it or she’s going to end up in big trouble with no friends. Who wants to hang around an obnoxious, bratty kid?! What have I done wrong?” Do you hear the assumptions and the catastrophizing? She’s mean, disrespectful, obnoxious, and bratty with an attitude. She’s going to end up friendless. I have failed. These are harmful ideas. You want to avoid any further conflict, so you send her to her room. Could it be that your anger needs justifying?  If you are going to yell and scream and prevent her from going to her dance class, which she adores, you better have a pretty good reason. The responsibility for your anger needs to go somewhere. You don’t want to take it, so you put it on her—her behavior, her attitude—which makes logical sense. The “fact” that she is turning into a disrespectful, hateful, brat who could lose her friends is certainly reason enough to feel plenty upset. But your reactions don’t make it stop. It is your perception that these statements are true that keeps you stuck in anger and retaliation, unable to effectively handle the situation. Behind every assumption is an opening. And behind every conflict is an opportunity to solve a problem. Avoiding the conflict means keeping a pattern alive. I am the boss, the authority, and you must do what I say. I am the victim once again, and look what you are doing to me, etc. Patterns keep us stuck on the vicious cycle where behavior gets worse and punishment gets more controlling and manipulative. What pattern are you in with your child? What is the recurrent theme? Why do you expect your child to be the one to stop the cycle from spinning? Once you can identify the assumptions you are making and the fact that they are your perception of the situation and not actually the truth, you are ready to see the opening. She is so mean and disrespectful is your perception, your assumption. “Well, she is,” you say. Go back – Did you like your reaction? Was it effective? If the answer is no, then you need to look harder at your blanket statements. If you are willing to acknowledge that they are assumptions then you are ready to get beneath them. Why is she acting this way? What is she trying to tell me? These questions can only be looked at when you are ready to get off the “truth” of your judgments, when you can take responsibility for your feelings of rage and don’t have to justify them by belittling your child with labels (interesting that that is probably what she is doing to you that makes you so angry!) How can you see that she is having a problem and not just being a problem? Instead of She’s so mean and disrespectful, a different perception would get you unstuck. She is really mad at me about something. What is she having a hard time with that is motivating this unkindness? This thinking moves you into compassion away from anger and is the only way to get off the vicious cycle. It means taking responsibility and not blaming her for your feelings. But taking responsibility for ourselves and our feelings requires strong boundaries and a good deal of self-confidence so we don’t take the behavior so personally. The opening behind the assumption is willingness and compassion for her state—to see where she is coming from, what is motivating her words and actions, that her words and actions are cues to deeper feelings, that she is hurting or in need of something. That perspective initially feels like “giving in,” “letting her get away with it.” This does not mean she should be able to talk to you however she wants. Your boundary does not allow that. But your compassion and willingness to enter into the fray is the only way to get to the bottom of it and assure that the behavior will stop. When she gets louder and more dramatic, she is trying to make herself be heard. It’s a clear sign that you are not listening. When you react punitively you are not hearing. The opening requires vulnerability instead of harsh accusations that build a wall. The opening requires a willingness to get into the muddy conflict and to stay with it until what needs to be heard is heard—on both sides. And it requires giving priority to the time it takes. Going for the opening builds connection, which is what we all want. When that is in place, she won’t need to hit or call names. 3. Questions from readers: Q. We are going to be moving next month so it’s been very stressful. Money is tight, time is crunched, and Rob and I are constantly ticking time-bombs. James, age 2, has been off the wall. He has been very whiny and asks incessantly for something even after we've already answered him. This morning my husband was preparing a bagel and James asked for some. Rob told him that he could have some as soon as it was ready. James kept on in a very whiny voice, "Want some bagel! Want some bagel!"  We'll remind him that he needs to ask nicely, and only once. Then he'll nicely say: "Want some bagel please."  However, he'll go right back to the whining if we don't immediately provide what he needs. He's still not listening when we ask him to do something like sit down when he is jumping on the couch, or come over to have his diaper changed, etc.  He's also been pretty rough with his little sister who is now 14 months. I feel like my well behaved little boy has become the stereotypical 2-year-old terror. My husband is feeling really upset and  worries that James has some kind of behavioral disorder. Rob wants to resort to spanking, feeling that James doesn't have any "consequences" for misbehaving. I am very uncomfortable with that. A. Congratulations, you have a budding individual who has just discovered how to make himself heard! Your expectation that a 2 year old is able to ask nicely and just once for something he wants is unrealistic. This expectation has led to Rob’s catastrophizing that James has a behavioral disorder. If you assume that, of course you are going to feel upset and worried and do whatever you can to stop it. James is a normal 2 year old, who can say please and thank you by rote, but who does not yet have the impulse control to wait patiently or listen attentively when he is being told something he doesn’t want to hear. Waiting for the bagel to be ready is like waiting for eternity. Going to the park later means never. Agreeing to sit down on the couch is agreeing to have no fun to a 2 year old. This doesn’t mean he should be able to do what he wants. It means you need to adjust your expectations so that when he asks incessantly for something or refuses to lie down for a diaper change, you are not reacting angrily because you expect that he should behave like an 8 year old. Pick him up and say lightly, “Oh, boy, you really want that bagel so badly. It’s really hard to wait for something you really want.” And as you are carrying him off the couch, “You wish you could jump and jump and jump. Let’s go find something you can jump on all you want.” Q. What do I do with perpetual rudeness/anger when my child has misbehaved and gotten a privilege revoked? Today the kids wanted to stay at school to watch a track meet. I explained that I needed to go home first and then we would come back. The kids started complaining but I was firm and said that we would be back in time for the meet. The immediate response to my firmness was "I hate you" from my eldest (Chris - age 9). He then started complaining about every possible injustice in his life since birth, how mean I am and that I never do anything nice, etc. At the house, I said the trash-can had to be put away. Chris jumped out of the car and started wheeling it in. Connor started crying because it was his job that week. Chris hit him...chaos ensued. Inside I asked Chris to put his backpack away and he told me to “shut up" and slammed a door. Now I am really angry and said, “That’s it, we aren't going back to the school. You are both misbehaving and treating me rudely. You can tell me how you feel, but you cannot be mean." They both started wailing. Chris kept screaming I hate you. Now here’s the bad part. I felt guilty that I had lost my temper and taken away a privilege without having thought it thru, so I said they could 'redeem' themselves by working together and coming up with a plan. They were still distraught but said they would be totally kind and polite and that if they said even one whining, mean thing we would come home. On the way back they started up again. I stopped the car and reminded them of our deal and that they were breaking it. They got better, but were still surly. I can't stand this and don't know how firm of a line to draw and when to stick to a punishment, versus acknowledge that maybe I was out of line. A. A frustrating situation to be sure, but again I believe it happened because of unrealistic expectations. We expect our children to attend cooperatively with our agendas and be willing to sacrifice their own. I know you weren’t asking them to sacrifice the meet, but you were asking them to do it your way. Nothing wrong with that, unless you don’t realize what you’re doing and see that each additional expectation builds frustration. Putting the trashcan away, putting the backpack away are intrusive to staying on track of getting back to the meet. This is called “choosing your battles.” The trash can and backpack could have waited until you came home. Not that you shouldn’t expect cooperation, but the first “I hate you” with the list of injustices was a clue that something was already brewing. Instead of reacting to the words, use the words as a signal that something deeper needs attending to. “Obviously there is something going on for you to use words that you know are hurtful. I know you don’t hate me but I do think you are pretty mad about something that I don’t know about” might have led to an opening and at the least would have probably defused his anger. Then enlist the boys in solving the problem rather than telling them what to do. “I need to get the dog and change clothes, and you want to stay here. What can we do about this?” Problem-solving might produce some ideas not already considered, but whatever the outcome, they are part of it so are more likely to cooperate with it. Q. My older daughter is a Senior in High School and will be going to college next year. She has a large bedroom which she has had since we moved here 10 years ago. My youngest daughter Ashley will be going to H.S. next year. She has always had the smallest bedroom in the house. We thought when Heather went off to College, we could switch the girls’ rooms so Ashley could have the larger room for her high school years. When we discussed this with Heather, she got extremely upset and does not want to "give up" her room. We have since ceased talking about this issue but were wondering if you could offer some advice on this situation. A. As you know, going off to college is a very scary business and most kids don’t want to let on how scared they feel. I imagine Heather heard from your room switch suggestion that her place in the home would be gone and Ashley would take over. For argument’s sake, let’s assume that you assumed that this was a selfish, uncaring gesture toward her sister. This assumption would logically provoke feelings of anger and more assumptions of how ungrateful Heather is and does she realize how much money a college education costs, etc., etc. just when she most needs the reassurance of the security of her home-base. When we get stuck in our assumptions, we miss the real meaning beneath the behavior. I would work slowly and gently on eliciting any worries that Heather may have about college, possibly starting off with a story you could share about how nervous you were going to college or that you can imagine how hurt she must have felt when you suggested switching rooms. Perhaps when she knows where she’s going, and gets clear that it doesn’t mean she’s leaving home for good, she will reconsider. But college often does represent leaving home for good. You may need to wait until she is off to college and doesn’t need the insurance of her room. You could also suggest Ashley “using” her room only while she is away without changing anything. It might be a slow transition. Q. My 11 year old son just started 6th grade in a brand new and very large middle school with lots of new faces. He's excited and looks forward to going, though he is having difficulty and frustration with time management with regards to homework and study skills (which is understandable, being 11 and with all the changes and new work challenges). He gets easily distracted and would rather put his attention on other items that interest him besides completing nightly work or budgeting time to complete a project. I know he's 11 but everyone, regardless of age, will have to do things that they'd rather not be doing at the time . . . do you have some suggestions on ways to improve study skills and time management issues around assignments, not just for my 6th grader, but ways parents can assist with the process? A. Homework and managing time is such a big issue, especially when kids get to middle school and homework becomes more serious. The first thing to do is to validate his wish to be doing something different. “I know homework can be a drag when you wish you could be playing. No one likes to do things they’d rather not be doing. I remember hating homework and procrastinating like crazy. But then I would be more upset when I knew it had to get done at the last minute”—something like that to get his ears open and connect and to let him know he’s normal. Acknowledge how hard it is to get back into the routine after 2 months off, especially when he has so many new things to assimilate. Ask him how he manages when he procrastinates. Some kids (my son) do really well under pressure at the last minute. Let him find his own way rather than trying to get him to do it the way you would or did. Ask him what would be the most helpful for him, how much he wants you to be involved—to nudge or not to nudge. Let him choose where and when he does his homework and then make it as inviting as possible—milk and cookies, a cup of tea, favorite music, your availability if he needs it—and then let go. If he sloughs off for awhile, he will experience the consequences from his teacher. Unless he is really dropping the ball, allow his procrastination so that he gets to learn how to handle the process in the way that’s best for him rather than doing what someone else tells him to do. That will pay off forever. Too many parents get too involved in the process and the cycle of resistance starts. When the parent takes on the responsibility of homework (“What do you have? Let me see? You have to get to it.”), the child doesn’t have to. Q. My two daughters, ages 7 and 3, get physical with each other, hitting, biting and scratching. Typically, my three-year old gets upset and frustrated with her sister and hurts her for no apparent reason—perhaps out of fatigue or boredom. The seven-year old gets upset and usually tells her to stop and leaves. Sometimes she chooses to respond physically. We work on her response a lot to her little sister—to tell her to stop first, to leave her if step one fails, and finally to ask me for help if needed. I tell the little sister to talk/touch gently and then tell her to go and “cool off” in her room or another designated place for five minutes or so. We also work on expressing how we feel (angry, upset etc.). As the younger sister gets older she verbalizes more. Am I handling this situation right? I would like them to never hurt each other physically. Is this an unrealistic expectation? I at least want their physical episodes to decrease and would like to know if I should do anything differently. A. It sounds like your 7 year old is doing very well by telling her sister to stop and leaving as often as she does. She’s bound to retaliate once in awhile. The only thing I would tweek is how you’re handling the 3 year old—and your expectations. Telling her to go and cool off for five minutes is basically sending her to time-out. Her frustration with her sister is getting dismissed and, if she is feeling punished, she will come back for more. If you want her to cool off, go with her. Sit down and read a book. When she is calm say something like, “You were really angry at your sister earlier. I’m wondering what that was about and if I can help. I remember when I used to get angry at my sister (whatever works in your situation)/she used to get angry at me. I would...and my mother would....”  I think if you take this tactic, you will be more likely to get to the bottom of it—maybe not right away, but stay consistent with this method. Assume she is having a problem with her older sister. Be determined to find out what that problem is rather than making her wrong. It’s curious that it is usually the younger who instigates it. Were you younger or older in your family? Were you the aggressor or the victim? Who do you identify with in these battles? Using conflict resolution would be helpful, especially as the younger one gets older and more verbal. Neutrally coach them taking turns telling their side of the story uninterrupted—to each other, not to you. Instead of allowing them to tell you what they want—pulling you into their argument—keep encouraging them to toss the ball back and forth between themselves telling each other their grievances while you gently guide it. Ask them what they need from each other. You might get to an old resentment that seemingly has nothing to do with the present fight. It only leads to your frustration and sense of failure if you expect them never to hurt each other. Siblings do that. It doesn’t always mean what we parents think it means. Partly, it’s an expression of their anger, jealousy, frustration, and partly it’s their sibling language. They fight with each other, even hit each other because they can, because there’s a safety in family that they don’t have outside the family. Please let me know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. 4. Stories I had just cooked dinner for my 2 boys. As I began washing the heap of dirty dishes by myself, my oldest boy, 11, brought in a dirty cup, put it on the pile and said, "Here you go Mommy, one more dish for you to wash" and walked away. A couple thoughts came to mind, including: "oh that irritating kid of mine" or "yup, this is always the way, me doing it all as usual... "  But I stopped myself, realizing that my thoughts are my own and not because of him. I have a choice (as I always tell him too) in how to respond (or react). I can choose to keep doing what I always do and expect different results (which really is insanity), or I can begin to see a different perspective. So I called to him, "Derek, please come over here." He came to my side and I said, "You know something? What you just said reminded me that I shouldn't be doing this job all by myself. I would like you to help me." (I chose personal accountability instead of blame). So he got the job of rinsing dishes and stacking the dish drain. He said he didn't enjoy the job. I said how nice it was to spend time with him and how quickly the job was getting done with two people working together. It also proved to be a good opportunity for him to learn about balancing dishes, a strategic skill I hadn’t realized until I saw him struggle with slipped dishes. I was able to connect with him, show him some ideas and help him see in himself some strengths he hadn't tapped into. I know my own mom wouldn't have been so patient with me as a kid if I had said what he said when he put that cup in the pile. Now as an adult I can see how it can be a constant struggle between identifying and leaving behind broken truths learned in childhood (such as, "I'm bad because I got mom upset or I'm unworthy or not good enough because I always choose to do the wrong thing") — and not dumping those on our own children. It's important to recover from broken truths. Start with yourself, and it can grow from there with our children. 5. News Remember to VOTE!!!!!! The New York Times Science section interview on the impact of yelling on children by Bonnie Rothman Morris has yet to be published. Watch for it Tuesdays. I am going to be teaching an all day workshop on The Principles of Core Parenting on Sat. Nov. 6 in Peterborough, NH. Call The Family Center at 603 924-6303 for information or to register. For those of you who are local, on Nov. 8, I am giving a free talk at the Keene Unitarian Church at 69 Washington St. at 7:00 p.m. “Sowing the Seeds of Non-Violence: Parenting for a New Age.” If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com