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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 39 - School and Agendas
Greetings!
"Your child's agenda is as important to her as yours is to you. When we acknowledge the importance of her agenda, we are parenting respectfully-our best bet in earning her respect in return."
— When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
We shouldn't ignore our agendas and give more importance to our child's, but we must consider that theirs are just as important, even if they seem trivial or wrong. Even if we cannot allow their agenda, we can at least acknowledge what they want. To connect, we need to get a bit into their heads and see things from their vantage point.
Discussion of Key Points: School and Agendas
With the school year newly begun, I thought I would write a reminder about the importance of being aware and considerate of differing agendas regarding school. The dichotomy between a parent and child's viewpoint of school is brought to my attention almost daily. Having long school careers behind us with countless experiences in both academic and social realms, we logically want to pass our knowledge of what works and what doesn't onto our defenseless, naïve, inexperienced children so that they might have an optimal school life-basically not be hurt and humiliated by teachers, bad grades, and cruel peers. But guess what? It doesn't work that way. Our children are not us. They have different temperaments, needs, capabilities, talents, and agendas. They have to do what works for them not what we wish we had done. They have to dig their way through the mire of friendships, academic mishaps or failures, bad teachers, even being smart and bored. We can tell them how to do it, what to say, and how they should or shouldn't feel, but ultimately we have to let go and allow them to have their own experiences.
Be aware of how much you want to project what you think is best onto your child, ignoring what he may be trying to explain, or get your empathy for. When we try to fix things, it usually backfires. Homework of course has to be done in order to pass. But our kids need to have a say in how it gets done. Start out by understanding what their agenda about homework is rather than laying yours on them. "What time of day works best for you, where would you like to do it, how much help would you like from me, do you want corrections." When she complains of a friend ignoring her or a teacher saying something rude, validate her hurt feelings first without a diatribe of what to say or do or what you will do about it. "It sounds like that really hurt your feelings. I don't blame you at all. What do you think she meant by that? What would you like to say to her? Would you like my help in figuring it out or talking to your teacher?" All these questions honor your child's agenda.
Of course you are concerned about your child's school life. Definitely be involved. Ask lots of questions about what he is learning and doing. Go to school and sports events. Just don't expect your child to do and say things the way you would. Ask yourself, "Am I genuinely listening to my child and being helpful, or am I telling her to do what I want her to do?" With any kind of willful or determined temperament, that will backfire and you will get notice. "Get out of my life! Leave me alone. I hate you. You don't understand anything." Those are your cues to back off!
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question, and I answer it right away. Then it goes in a newsletter at a later date. But you get your answer much sooner than its appearance in the newsletter. I could use some questions about older children!
Q. My six year old's anger is hard to manage. For example, yesterday he flew off the handle about doing homework: "I am not doing it, I'll do it later" etc. I was quite firm about the importance of doing it now so as not to have to come back to it, and the argument escalated to him shouting, " I hate you, you are horrible." I was feeling tired and admittedly quite irritable. Instead of letting it ride, I said that he should not be rude to me. It infuriates me when he is rude or when my husband does nothing to back me up. At the climax I told him to take some time out to calm down. He refused to go so I had to drag him out and both of us were furious. I cannot stand it when he will not do as I ask. One of the reasons I need him to leave is because I need to calm down myself. I have tried to explain this after events like this but he refuses to analyze situations that have happened and says he does not want to discuss it. I have tried to leave the situation myself which sometimes works but can lead to him chasing me around the house while I try to separate myself.
A. Here's a good example of two different agendas. Your son hated what he had to do and wanted to put it off and you thought he should get it done and over with. That's how you would do it (me too!). But insisting on it is ignoring his agenda. Be aware how important it is to you that your child does as you say. He sounds like a boy who doesn't like being told what to do. That is a temperament characteristic-very strong-willed and determined. Great qualities to have but hard to handle now. Parents of these children need to learn what works for them. When you insist he do homework your way-or anything for that matter-he will resist. (And he's 6!! He shouldn't even have homework-but don't get me started on that!) You need to find a way to make the homework fun-not expect him to knuckle down and start working. When your button gets pushed, you make the assumption that he is flying off the handle and rude, which of course sends you into angry reaction. You yourself said that that reason you need him in time out is so you can calm down. But that is your problem. Realize that you are asking him to take care of that, which isn't fair, so he refuses to go. When he was frustrated over homework, he needed empathy not a lecture on what you thought he should do. From his point of view, you weren't getting it (granted it's hard to get when children don't have the maturity to be clear about their problems - of course we don't either). His behavior is your clue to his emotional internal turmoil, which needs addressing. He's being dramatic in an attempt to get you to see what's going on. When you claim rudeness and send him away, he of course resists because his intention was not to be rude, his intention was to get your help. It makes no sense to him to go to time out. Do you see? Six-year-olds are in the throw of perfectionism. If something doesn't come out the way they picture it in their head, they give up, and throw a fit. The homework wasn't something he could do instantly, so he lost it. Perfectly normal. When you can defuse your button, you will have compassion for his problem, be able to consider his agenda, and help him figure it out.
Q. My eight-year-old daughter has developed a choking phobia. She choked 3 years ago on the skin of a pistachio nut. She drank tons of water and after about 45 minutes threw up. She only ate ice cream and liquids for about 2 weeks. Then got over it. About 1-1/2 years ago, she complained of a sore throat and quit eating again, afraid of choking. Everything checked out medically. She stopped anything but mac and cheese, pizza, potatoes, cheese sandwiches, and snack foods. But she was eating. The latest episode is more drastic. She has been complaining about her throat hurting, and again stopped eating. I again checked her out with the doctor and everything was fine. Her diet has consisted of fruit smoothies, yogurt, tomato soup, all without bits. She lost weight, but we have now stabilized her with protein drinks, so she has gained some of it back. Neither a psychiatrist nor psychotherapist has made progress. She has started eating rice, peanut butter and her regular smooth items. We have also seen a dietician so she is eating healthier than before. She just cannot survive on a liquid diet, and she is still so scared to choke. She will say she really wants to eat, but sometimes when she has tried to eat, her tongue shakes and her hand shakes putting the spoon to her mouth. I'm afraid of an eating disorder when she is older. Let me add that she does have a fear but it could also be a power struggle between she and I. We have used many tough love techniques. Sending her to her room when she refuses to eat. Also consequences, like not doing things with her friends. That is why she has started eating rice. I was wondering what your thoughts are about using medication for a child with severe anxiety to get her over a hump. I have such mixed feelings.
A. Let me first say that in my opinion punishing her in any way-withholding privileges, isolating her, criticizing her-will only push her further into her fear and could be the factor, if anything, to lead to an eating disorder. She needs support and understanding and the more she gets that, the easier it will be for her to begin to help herself. Stay away from messages that she is wrong or bad for having this fear of choking (which is the message with tough love). The power struggle she has with you is resisting the pressure she feels to do something she can't and then gets punished for. First let her know that as her mother you are worried and your worry came out as anger, but you will try not to do that again. She must trust that for a while. Then talk to her about her body. This is her throat, her eating, her body-not anyone else's. She is the one who is ultimately responsible for her body. Your job is to make sure she stays healthy, but you can only do so much. The rest is up to her. This must all be said in a very loving, nurturing way. So do not attempt this until you can let go of tough love thinking. Ask her if she would like your help, since you know that she wants to eat normally. Let her know that this is a hard struggle by herself. She has gotten into a bad habit-that's all. When people want to break habits, they have to feel determined. IF she wants to do this, establish WITH HER a weekly eating chart. Let her decide what food she would like to start with that is only a tiny bit scary to eat. Put that food on the chart and ask whether she would like a sticker, a check mark, etc. to put on that day if she successfully eats that one food. Put nothing if she doesn't eat it. Do only that food for a week. Then the next week chose an additional food that may be just a bit more of a challenge, etc. and SLOWLY work into a few more foods. If the chart doesn't work for the first food, try either the same food or a different one the next week. Let her lead the process with your support and suggestions. But do not tell her what to do. If after several weeks there is no success then explain how anxiety can sometimes keep people from doing what they want. Then you and your husband could look into a medication to help her over the hump. But I would try the food chart first. She needs to see in black and white that she can actually do this herself.
Q. I have an almost 3-year-old son who seems to hit and throw for attention, when he feels frustrated, powerless, tired, or hungry. I have made progress in understanding that it triggers me for several reasons and am making progress in neutralizing some buttons but there's one that still triggers me and I'm not sure how to progress with it. When he is expressing himself and hits me, I say to him, "You're feeling frustrated. Use your words." Then he still hits and I gently hold his hands (or feet) and say again, "Hitting hurts. Gentle hands please. Let's find a book to read." And he still hits and then I say, "I don't like to be hit, Mommy will sit right here and you can come when you're ready to be peaceful." And he marches right over and hits me, I'm at a loss for what to do next. I have tried walking away (which I don't like to do, because I want to stay connected but feel my boundary is not being respected and don't know what else to do). I have tried just holding him (sometimes in a football hold so he's still close but can't hurt me) and have said to him if he hits then I will put him down only to have him hit my leg. How do I maintain my boundary of not being hit or kicked (hurt) and still maintain connection?
A. Don't worry about breaking connection if you walk away. That lets him know that you will not allow him to hit you — a very important boundary to have with him and good modeling for him. It's my opinion that when kids are being physical-and many have a temperamental propensity toward the physical, especially boys — they don't like being told to use their words. It may feel patronizing, it may just feel impossible. The hitting continues because to him you are not getting it. Asking him to be gentle when he is full of anger will not work. Try allocating a large pillow as the "punching pillow". When he keeps hitting you, quickly get the pillow and hold it up in front of you. Tell him to draw your nose or your stomach with his finger on the pillow and then give it a really good punch. You are trying to stop up his energy, and what you want to do is re-channel it. He needs to get it without hurting you. When he is older he will be less impulsive and more likely to use words when you say them for him: "You are really mad at me because I ----. Tell me how mad you are." But right now, he's all impulse. He will know the difference between you and a pillow. Also add to your words to him: "I will not allow anyone to hit me, and I certainly hope you will never allow anyone to hit you." Make sure you are firm and not pleading.
Stories from Readers
The other night my seven-year-old son told me that sometimes I really push his buttons. I told him that sometimes he really pushes mine too. I said that luckily he and I are best friends and when we get mad at each other we don't stay mad too long. I told my husband about how he has his own agenda, and that we can't expect him to stop what he is doing the minute that we say so. Just as my husband likes to watch the end of something so does our son. When my son was two and three I would notice he would get quite squirmy when he needed to pee. Promptly I learned if I asked, "Do you have to pee?" he would reply with a no even though it was evident he needed to but didn't want to miss any part of his play activity. Somehow I came up with the 'pee dance'. When I noticed he needed to pee but was too busy, I would come to him, on his level and ask him if he would do the pee dance. This involved standing straight with feet together in front of me and counting to twenty together. We would giggle as he tried to make it to twenty. If we could count to twenty and he didn't move I would let it go, but often we would count to four and he would run off to the toilet. It was fun, and he could monitor his own needs with a bit of encouragement.
News
I wanted you all to know that a committee of teachers and myself has translated the Buttons professional training into a Teacher Workshop with facilitator manual and participant workbooks. We have marketing materials to send if there is interest at a school you might know of. It is a day long, 5 hour staff workshop.
The Buttons Workshop is available for parent groups anywhere.
And The Buttons Professional Training is for anyone who works with families or children, wants to be able to teach The Buttons Workshop for parents or simply have the knowledge as an adjunct to their work.
Oct. 11, for 4 Tuesday mornings, I will be teaching a class at The Family Center in Peterborough, NH called When Your Child Won't Take "No" for an Answer. Please call The Family Center at 603 924-6306 for info or to register.
This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us.
What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003).
In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children's ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away!
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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© 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com
