SIGN UP FOR OUR EMAIL NEWSLETTER
			PHILOSOPHY    SERVICES    RESOURCES    Buttons Book      Confident Parents Book      Monthly Column      Newsletter      Compact Discs      Parent Workbooks      EVENTS    MEDIA    CONTACT US    SITE MAP    HOME
	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 27 - Thoughts on Punishment "The best political, social, and spiritual work we can do is to withdraw the projection of our shadow onto others." —Carl Jung We are so afraid our children will either turn out like us or unlike us that it's hard to step back and see who they are separate from us. Remember they are not us or extensions of us, they are only in our keeping for a short time. Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers – Running low. Keep them coming! Stories – None this month. We want to hear how you’re doing! News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the swimming upstream struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! 2. Discussion of key points – Thoughts on Punishment At all levels, from the individual to the collective, there has always been a strong tendency for those in a perceived power position to control or at least regulate others. To try to make sense of life with all its mystery, we tend to categorize and label. We decide what is good and what is bad all the way from family to government. It gives us the illusion of organization and control when we can patrol and punish those who we don't think "do it right". Clearly a certain amount of control and labeling is essential for a well-run society. But much of the time we do not know when to stop. We don't trust the individual, and we don't really trust ourselves, so we rely on collective thinking-whatever that thinking happens to be at any given time in history—to create the rules. And then with a system of reward and punishment, we regulate that consciousness with those rules. But too much regulation can destroy creativity and learning, dismiss intuition, belittle others, and stifle change. This is why punishment does not work for our benefit, but why it does work to keep the illusion alive that we are in control—to keep our fears at bay. We project our experiences and knowledge onto our children, assume that we are right and have all the answers, and that they must listen and learn from us. To an extent, that is necessary—but to what extent? What is punishment after all if not our defensive reactions to feeling threatened? Their spontaneity is often inconvenient for us, a nuisance, and so it is much easier to "nip it in the bud" then spend time problem-solving, negotiating, or hearing things we don't like. Why are we so afraid of being vulnerable-of being wrong? Even when parents desperately want things to change, they are fearful of letting go of punishment, of control. They don't know what else to do. We have learned that controlling others with fear works to get our way. And we have lost the ability to talk sense with our children without laying blame. These methods are embedded in religions and in family strategies. When our children ly, get sneaky, refuse to listen, act defiantly, all they are doing is protecting and defending themselves. This is not to say that children don't need to learn social graces, consideration for others, and cooperation with the whole. It's strange that often the argument of the parent who is most afraid of giving up punishment is, "What am I going to do, let them run wild?" The assumption here is that the child is wild and out of control by nature, has no desire or capability to be social, and thus must be trained. This is the basic assumption and the root of the world's problems as I see it. The wise teacher (read parent) does not coerce behavior or force influence on whoever is being led or taught. The greatest influence comes from those teachers who believe in and highlight the natural capabilities of the student, who do not presuppose what that student should or should not be or do, but who trust in and nurture the student's potential. But when that student becomes a reflection of the teacher, power and control come into play. When we are full of buttons, we make unquestioned, often foolish assumptions, catastrophize our fears and coerce behavior to get the children we want. But the opposite is the result. Our task, our mission as parents must be to soften our fears—defuse those buttons—and trust the innate capabilities of our children and honor ourselves and our needs at the same time. When our buttons are defused, we can allow our children to be true to themselves. Finding that path is the art of parenting and is accomplished with neutrality, detachment, and balance. 3. Questions from readers: Q. I'm not entirely through with "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" yet, but I have an issue. It seems like you're saying that we shouldn't punish our children, ever. I'm not sure I agree with that. How am I to teach my children right and wrong without some form of punishment? If I catch my daughter in a lie, for example, shouldn't I deploy a time out? A. So many others have asked the same. Punishment is much easier than staying in the trenches and figuring things out together. When we don't have the time or know-how to problem-solve with our children, when we don't have the self- respect to be clear about our own needs, we typically get into power struggles. I have never punished my children and have very respectful, responsible children with very strong opinions about right and wrong. Those values come from learning respect by being respected and being valued as an important individual by being heard and validated. "I need to have the assurance that you are going to get that done. If you don't want to do it now, I need to know when it will be done so I can count on it" puts the problem on me and doesn't dump blame on the child. He is more likely to help me out because it is respectful of both of us. "You have to do that now" makes what you want done his problem. It doesn't feel fair to the child and so he resists—or obeys out of fear of reprimand. Lying is a protective mechanism that happens when the child fears getting in trouble. When your child lies, ask yourself what does she think would happen if you found out the truth of the situation. Does she think you will be angry, disappointed in her, worried, nag, lecture, give her that look, use that tone of voice? Lying and defiant behavior is usually a result of punishment, not a reason for it. "I'm wondering if that really is the truth of the situation. Somehow it doesn't sound like it to me. Do you want to tell me again what happened?" is less accusatory and is more likely to get a different answer than, "You're lying to me." We want our children to know we believe in them and trust them, so they don't want to betray that trust rather than believe we don't trust them. Then it doesn't matter to them what they say. When their side of the story, their opinion of the situation is heard and acknowledged (doesn't have to be agreed with), they feel respected and are willing to problem- solve the solution—far better learning than anything punishment teaches. Q. I would like to make some changes from the way we punish our children, but my husband doesn't see anything wrong with how we're doing things now. I'm concerned about telling him your methods, as he's sure to continue doing the same things. It's sometimes difficult to convince him my ideas have merit. Any advice on how to approach him would be appreciated. A. This is a concern for the majority of the parents I work with. It's a tough one. You might begin by saying something like, "I am feeling less and less comfortable with how we are handling misbehavior. I think our kids are getting sneakier and more resistant to listening to us. I always behaved out of fear (whatever the result was in your family of origin) and I don't want our kids fearing us." Talk more about what it was like for you as a child and what you liked and didn't like, learned and didn't learn. If you can get into a philosophical discussion it would be far better than telling your husband what you want changed. If you get something like, "I was punished and I learned not to do that again," ask him if he might have learned the same thing if his parents had sat down with him and asked him what he could do differently the next time. Ask him if his side of the story was ever heard. You can also add that there is a lot of research today about the damage of punishment and how it leads to aggressive behavior in later years. (Look at our world!) Q. I really need your help. I have the book, but struggle finding the time to read it. I feel my "road rage" is setting a bad example for my child to follow. I try to stay calm and swear not to do it again, but I've always had very little patience. We have two children, 3 and a half years and 8 months old. We think the 3 year old button pusher may be gifted, which I believe is causing him to be bored, therefore, leaving him to do things that will stir us up. He has known ABC's and phonetics for quite a while and is writing words constantly. His memory and attention to detail just amazes us. At night, he lays in bed kicking, talking or playing for at least a couple of hours before going to sleep. I think his mind is just racing so much that he would go bananas just laying still. A. Sounds like you have a challenge. One that will likely turn out to be a fabulous adult but difficult to keep motivated and relaxed now. I'm wondering what part of him is pushing your buttons. Do you worry that you're not enough for him (The Incompetent Button)? Or are you afraid he will surpass your level of intelligence and so have an unconscious desire to "hold him back" (The Control Button)? See if you can pay attention to where your impatience is coming from—what is it you want him to do that he's not doing? If he's not listening to you, going to bed when you say, etc. ask yourself what would have happened to you when you were a child if you did what he's doing. Your impatience may come from thinking you're not strict enough, not able to make him do what you say. If you can see this clearly, then perhaps you can see that he is a very different child than you were and needs very different parenting. He has a very strong will and a creative, fast thinking mind and will not respond to traditional methods of discipline. This is not your fault—you just need to learn along with him and be grateful for what he is forcing you to learn. Can you give him something to listen to while he is winding down in bed? Record your voice reading some favorite books for instance. Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories My 18 year old daughter asked for a sleep over on the first school night of the year. I didn't think it was a good idea but as I thought about it — not reacting or answering her right away — realized my unhappiness with it was about me — about not having "my little girl" home "where she belongs" on the night before school starts. I was proud of myself that I took the time to figure out what the feelings were all about so I could respond instead of react. I told her how I felt, she smiled, we had a nice hug, and I let her go. What am I going to do — she's 18!! Please send your questions and stories. I'm getting low! 5. News I will be in Reykjavik, Iceland the first week of October to speak at the World Congress of the International Family Therapy Academy. On Oct. 27th I will be giving a talk on "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" in Nashua, NH from 7:00- 9:00 p.m. in the auditorium of Nashua High North. Cost is $5 For information email Linda Brown - l.brown@sjh-nh.org Oct. 30 I will be presenting When Your Kids Push Your Buttons at The Practical Parent Education conference in Dallas TX and then on to Denver CO to talk about "The No-Blame Solution" at the Conference on Solution-Focused Practice If any of you are interested in bringing programs or a Buttons certification training to your area, let us know your needs and get information by emailing kristin@bonnieharris.com A 6-CD set of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (read by me) are available by contacting kristin@bonnieharris.com or by sending $29.95 plus $2.30 postage to Bonnie Harris Core Parenting 152 Windy Row Peterborough, NH 03458. Includes a 7th bonus disk with printable pdf files of the exercises from the book. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com