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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 17 - Are you a Helicopter Parent? Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. See below for ways to order. Thank you. Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story. 2. Discussion of key points – Are you a helicopter parent? A colleague told me the other day that she heard an author referring to the typical parent of today as a "helicopter parent"—in other words, hovering. I couldn't agree more. I often say that many parents today keep their children under a magnifying glass. If you recall the story that runs through the first several chapters of Buttons about Joan and her daughter Karen, who doesn't eat the way Joan wants, we see how getting buttons pushed can leave parents hovering too much. Joan has issues about eating from her childhood when she got the message that she wasn't appreciative enough and was often criticized at the dinner table. The tension she felt got transferred to Karen when she didn't eat. Joan was provoked by her assumptions of Karen to feel disrespected and unappreciated which led to her reactions of yelling and hovering—watching everything Karen ate, criticizing her when she didn't or when she griped about the food. Joan became overbearing to Karen as she whirled about overhead, and Karen reacted by doing what Joan feared most—not eating. When something doesn't go our way, we usually react by either withdrawing or getting on the person's case even more. With our children's future at stake, we tend toward the latter. That, combined with the fears we have about the safety of the world today and the importance of giving our children every possible advantage so they succeed in our dog-eat-dog society leads us to overschedule their lives and hover to protect and make sure they do it the way we see fit. Remember sand-lot baseball in the old days? Children were often on their own at a playground in the neighborhood after school and on weekends. They were the designers of their own free time. Sand-lot baseball required specific rules of the game that the children came up with themselves. Adults weren't telling them when to run and when to stay put, who was out and who wasn't. When problems arose, they had to work it out themselves. Now, I'm not advocating sending your child off and expecting a return by bedtime but I do think it's important to think about what we used to expect of children vs. what we expect today. I believe we do too much for them and give them less and less opportunity to figure things out for themselves. We create a dependency on authority that is unhealthy, and we shut off avenues of their own creativity by directing them all day long. "I'm bored....What should I do?" is a common refrain when imaginations have atrophied. And many of us feel guilty when we're not playing with them all the time! So keep in mind the circumstances of today's world but at the same time, don't forget your child's ability to problem solve, negotiate, work out difficult situations, and design rules that work—when given the opportunity. Engage your child in decisions, ask her to think through a problem she is dealing with rather than telling her what to do. Disengage from the situation just enough so that you can see what she is about and what she needs rather than getting in too close to observe and be objective. How much do you hover? Does your child throw nasty remarks, tell you to get off his back, or have "that attitude" whenever you're around? Maybe he's reacting to being hovered over! Please let me know if there are specific aspects of the book you would like clarified or explained more deeply. 3. Questions from readers: Q. I have a 4 year old girl and 6 year old boy. My son is going through a phase of talking back and making faces when he doesn't like what I say or the outcome of a discussion. Should I respond to these faces/comments or just ignore them. Sometimes I feel as though they are very disrespectful to me or other family members but I'm not sure how to handle it. A. Ask yourself what your expectation of his behavior is. Do you want him to like everything you say and be happy with the outcome of a discussion if he's not getting what he wants? Usually when we look at children's reactions when they are angry or frustrated, they push buttons because they make the situation difficult for us. He didn't say, "Oh, okay, I'll get right on that and do as you suggest." He is showing you he doesn't like not getting what he wants—nothing wrong with that. You want him to suck it up and not react. He will when he's an adult or around his friends when he's much older but don't expect—and don't ask—a 6 year old to squelch his feelings and suck it up to make life more pleasant for you. And of course it's not nice to have him making faces and comments. Instead of reacting negatively, can you respond with humor? Only if your button hasn't been pushed! Try saying something like, "What a bummer that you have to live with such an ogre of a mother." If you don't take it personally and can respond with lightness, he will let it go. If he makes a face, make one back, not to taunt him but to match him. Or set a time of the day for five minutes when everyone gets to make all the faces they want - all three of you. Or simply acknowledge, "I know you don't like what I've said. I don't blame you. You really wanted me to say yes." If you are telling him no about a lot of things, find a way to say, "You can't have that now, but let's look at the calendar and find a day when you can." Find ways to say something positive when you have to say no. If you don't take his behavior so seriously, then you can stick with your limits much easier and not feel guilty about his unhappiness. Q. My 12 year old granddaughter, who is very mature for her age, has very negative thoughts and is always complaining about everything - teachers, fights with school mates. This year she started junior high and she's full of complaints. What really worries me is that she says, "who needs all these problems. Why do I have to live?" She has caring parents who give her love and attention. We live nearby and she spends a lot of time with me. I tried listening to her and pointing out that no one gets more than a half a cup. It's up to us to see that we have a half a cup—or that we are missing a half a cup. All this to no avail. A. Something happens around that 12-13 year mark when many children seem to enjoy being depressed and seeing the world as very dark. I think they are figuring things out on a new level. She is beginning to see the world more realistically than ever before and it's not a pretty sight. At this age, the stage of development tends to mirror the first years. For instance a 12 year old has the egocentricity of a 2 year old, a 13 year old is similar to a 3 year old, etc. This may seem humorous but over and over parents at this stage wonder what happened to that sweet 10 and 11 year old I had? And now, "All she ever thinks about is herself." This is an inward time for your granddaughter and I'm guessing that her temperament is rather negative anyway—the cup is always half empty instead of half full. People do tend to see the world from one perspective or the other. I wouldn't take her negativity too seriously but keep an eye on who her friends are and keep up the loving family contacts. Do not criticize her for her criticisms. Let her complain and listen to her. She needs a neutral sounding board to bounce her ideas off of. Make sure that sounding board is a family member. If she doesn't feel heard at home, she will soon find that sounding board elsewhere. Q. What do you think of do-overs? My daughter, 5, wants us to do do-overs when things don't go as she expected. However, she wants the conditions of the do-over exactly the same as the original - ex. If I have my toddler in one arm and bags of groceries in the other and happen to walk in the house first, she will request a do-over requiring me to go back out with toddler and groceries so she can go in first. Once her little sister greeted her daddy first and my 5 year old cried for an hour and wanted a do-over. Her stipulations were that daddy had to change back into his work clothes and come back up from downstairs so she could tell her sister she wanted to hug him first. Her father acquiesced but only because she promised to use her words with her sister instead of pushing her down. He didn't feel right about it. I find it unreasonable when the conditions have to be exact. We reflect, acknowledge and help come up with solutions for next time and try not to pass judgment on her feelings of disappointment. Are we being too inflexible if we don't do the do-over exactly as she wants?> A. If you do over each situation according to the conditions your daughter demands, putting you and your husband out by requiring you to do as she says, the power is all in her court—which is why your husband didn't feel right when he acquiesced. The intention of a do-over should be to go over the situation to find a better way that works for all included, not for your daughter to get her way. A do-over is another name for problem-solving and the problem is not solved when she gets to do it the way she wanted in the first place. A do-over should be a way to think the situation through and do it again without the upset felt the first time. In other words, how could the same situation (any situation) happen again without anger, yelling, blaming, criticizing from anyone. If she is upset about not being the first to greet her father and pushes her sister over to get to him, the do-over should be a way for all of you to go back over it—whether by talking or doing—to see how it could be done differently so there is no upset or pushing. And as with all problem-solving, the solution needs to work for everyone. Requiring her father to get back in his work clothes and making sure she gets to him first only works for her. Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories I microwaved some pasta for my 5 1/2 year old son. I told him to put his bowl on the table because he would need two hands as I put the hot food in the bowl. He said he could manage holding it up with one hand. I was doubtful but didn't force the issue. Of course, the bowl of hot pasta fell to the floor. I reacted calmly and sympathetically! I told him to take his bowl back to the table which he did. I showed him how to clean it up with a spatula and told him to wipe up the floor when he was finished. He got to work, and I made him another bowl of food with no negative comment. He actually thanked me for making him the second bowl! Then he said he wouldn't try to take it with one hand again. Wow, wow, wow! In years past, I have tried spanking, threatening, time-outs, and talking about feelings, but it was never explained quite like you did. I have already started implementing your techniques. It's very difficult to change learned behavior, force myself to stop, and think before reacting. Yesterday my two sons and I went to IHOP. We were seated in a booth and my 7 year old who is constantly full of energy began to jump, climb, and bounce around his seat. I started to say, "Sit still, what are you doing, can't you behave?" but I stopped and thought, "Is he really misbehaving? Why should he sit still?" So I ignored the behavior instead of initiating a fight. There was an elderly couple sitting behind us and after about 20 minutes the woman turned and said that it was really hard for them to eat with my son jumping all over. In the past, I would have been embarrassed and mortified and would have yelled at my son, "I TOLD YOU TO SIT DOWN, SEE WHAT YOU DID!!!" But this time I smiled to myself and said to my son, "Let's switch places," and he did. It felt so good to problem solve and it was truly a win/win/win. Before I would have felt like a failure as a parent, yelled at my son causing him to meltdown, and then felt guilty instead of seeing that it was her problem, not mine. My 10 year old begs and whines to get his way, which works about 50% of the time. This past week I had been working with him to negotiate instead of begging or whining. It was working. Then came the test. He had two friends spending the night and I had told them to be in bed by 10:00 because school would be starting soon and they had to get back on track. Well, at 10:00 they started asking to stay up later. I was very tired, I was paying bills which is always frustrating, and PMSing - so let's just say it was not good timing! He was saying he would do this or that, I said no, he said something else, and I yelled, "I WILL TAKE THEM HOME RIGHT NOW!!" (which I would never do). He turned away from me, crossed his arms, and said, "I'm just trying to negotiate, and you are threatening me." I couldn't believe it. I tried to hold in my chuckle and said, "I'm sorry, you are right. What are you suggesting?" He turned back around and told me he would go to bed early three nights in a row to make up his sleep. Then he wrote it down and signed it. It felt so great! 5. News I am going to be in London again doing a Part 1 of The Buttons workshop on Nov. 2 and 3. For information, contact me and I will put you in touch with the contact in London. On Nov. 4th, I will be speaking in Gloucester, England at a Parents as First Teachers conference. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com