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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 7 - What’s keeping you stuck? Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas are effecting their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. Thank you. In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story. 2. Discussion of key points – What’s keeping you stuck? At a talk I gave the other day, a woman in the audience said that she is very aware of how her childhood has led to the rage she feels with her own child. She knows what the messages are that she got from her parents and is continually conscious of how that all contributes to her parenting. She is aware of her patterns, yet still she becomes enraged with her child as her buttons are pushed again and again. She wants to know what she can do to change her reactions. This is the hard stuff for many of us who need more than information and awareness about our assumptions and expectations in order to defuse our buttons. I began talking about Chapter 8 – What Keeps You Stuck in Old Ruts? and I thought it would be a good topic to discuss here. In a nutshell, I suggested to this mother that she is getting something out of her rage and reactions, and whatever that is keeps her stuck and resistant to change. In Chapter 8, I suggest that no matter how much information we have, if our old patterns serve us in some way, we will not change them. Parents always say, “My reactions don’t serve me at all. I don’t get anything out of this.” But we’re not used to looking at our patterns from this new perspective. We have to dig deeper to understand how they indeed do serve us. For the most part, we rarely change, unless a deeper perception changes. What got edited out of this chapter was an analogy I had made to the wagon ruts that are still clearly evident in places along the Oregon trail. One wagon after another followed the trail made by the wagon in front. The ruts made by the wagon wheels got deeper and deeper as more and more wagons road west. In places the ruts were so deep that it would have been impossible for a wagon to veer off to go in another direction. We get into the same kind of behavioral and emotional ruts when we react to events the same way over and over. We develop patterns of behavior that come from what we believe about ourselves and, from that, we create our experiences. Like leaving the Oregon trail, it’s very hard to pull our emotional reactions out of those ruts. From staying in the same ruts, the pioneers gained safety, or an illusion of it at least. Are you getting safety, too? It’s much safer to stay in familiar patterns, even though they may be self-destructive or hurtful to others, than to venture into new territory and respond from a different perspective. It would feel like becoming a different person. What would it mean to you to stop reacting the way you hate—in any aspect of your life? First of all, it requires looking at the beliefs you hold about yourself learned in your childhood. If you believe that you’re never good enough or are unlovable, those beliefs drive your behavior. When you react negatively to your child, even when you know better, you get to keep believing you’re still unlovable. So you keep proving that you are unlovable with your behavior. Imagine if you decided that you were lovable and good enough. What would that mean? Maybe you’d be too vain or stuck up like that person you know who thinks so much of herself. Maybe you’d feel like a fake and would be afraid someone would find out who you really are. Maybe, if you believed you were good enough, you’d have to go out and do something different with your life—finally get that degree or that job you always wanted. It’s much easier and safer just staying where you are in your familiar old ruts. You know who you are, there are no surprises, and you know what to expect of yourself—same old, same old. Then, you have to take responsibility for that and stop projecting your feelings of failure onto your child, expecting him to show you that you are lovable and wonderful and good enough. That’s not his job. We must take responsibility for our own decisions, good or bad. And maybe that entails adjusting your expectations of yourself. Perhaps you don’t really want that job anyway. Perhaps you could actually be content being who you are. What a concept! Accepting yourself. I believe that no matter where we are, what patterns we are in, the first step toward peaceful relations with those we love is acceptance, both of ourselves and them. It’s really hard because we’re all control freaks to one degree or another. But learning to accept what’s right in front of us allows a certain relaxation to take over. And then you won’t take your child’s behavior quite so personally. 3. Questions from readers: Q. When my rigid and explosive preschooler gets frustrated, he sometimes spits at me. This really pushes a button. I'm 2/3 through your book but cannot identify why this behavior makes me see red. I've thought of the obvious things like how I would never have done that to my parents, and what would have happened if I did, and how that is such a disrespectful and terrible way for a child to treat his mother who does so much for him. These still don't quite explain my visceral reaction to this behavior. My son does not respond to traditional discipline approaches, and I do not hit him. When he spits at me, I either ignore the behavior and try to calmly get to the root of what's upsetting him by using empathy and problem-solving approaches, or I tell him that I'll speak with him when he's ready to behave nicely and then I walk away. These two approaches sometimes stop the spitting, but I'm still so hurt and angry about what has happened. How can I defuse this button? A. It’s the assumption that his spitting “is such a disrespectful and terrible way for a child to treat his mother who does so much for him” that’s pushing your button. If you hold this perception, of course you’re going to react negatively. How could you have raised such a disrespectful child who throws all of what you have done for him in your face with his spit?! That’s enough to send anybody off the deep end. You are taking his behavior personally and deciding it means he’s disrespectful and ungrateful. My guess is that his behavior is intended as neither. First of all, anytime we expect our children to be grateful for all we have done for them, especially a preschooler, we’re in trouble! We do what we do out of choice. We decide what we want to do for them—it’s our responsibility not theirs. And when you can truly let go of expecting appreciation, that is when you will get it. He is spitting to make a point about something. I’m curious what your empathizing and problem-solving has dug up about why he spits. If you can explore the root neutrally, you’ll get somewhere, but if your anger is seething as you do it, he will pick up on that and resist. Try an experiment and see if you can decide, He’s mad about something (you don’t have to know what it is) or He’s having a really hard time every time I/he...and right now the only way he knows how to express it is to spit, instead of deciding that he is being disrespectful and ungrateful. In other words, he is having a problem rather than being a problem for you. That’s how you depersonalize and detach so you can see what the behavior is about. When you can really do that, then ask him if he needs a hug when he spits, explaining that you won’t allow anyone to spit at you as you hope he will never allow anyone to spit at him. Q. My 11 year old son just started 6th grade in a brand new and very large middle school with lots of new faces. He's excited and looks forward to going, though he is having difficulty and frustration with time management with regards to homework and study skills (which is understandable, being 11 and with all the changes and new work challenges). He gets easily distracted and would rather put his attention on other items that interest him besides completing nightly work or budgeting time to complete a project. I know he's 11 but everyone, regardless of age, will have to do things that they'd rather not be doing at the time . . . do you have some suggestions on ways to improve study skills and time management issues around assignments, not just for my 6th grader, but ways parents can assist with the process? A. Homework and managing time is such a big issue, especially when kids get to middle school and homework becomes more serious. The first thing to do is to validate his wish to be doing something different. “I know homework can be a drag when you wish you could be playing. No one likes to do things they’d rather not be doing. I remember hating homework and procrastinating like crazy. But then I would be more upset when I knew it had to get done at the last minute”—something like that to get his ears open and connect and to let him know he’s normal. Acknowledge how hard it is to get back into the routine after 2 months off, especially when he has so many new things to assimilate. Ask him how he manages when he procrastinates. Some kids (my son) do really well under pressure at the last minute. Let him find his own way rather than trying to get him to do it the way you would or did. Ask him what would be the most helpful for him, how much he wants you to be involved—to nudge or not to nudge. Let him choose where and when he does his homework and then make it as inviting as possible—milk and cookies, a cup of tea, favorite music, your availability if he needs it—and then let go. If he sloughs off for awhile, he will experience the consequences from his teacher. Unless he is really dropping the ball, allow his procrastination so that he gets to learn how to handle the process in the way that’s best for him rather than doing what someone else tells him to do. That will pay off forever. Too many parents get too involved in the process and the cycle of resistance starts. When the parent takes on the responsibility of homework (“What do you have? Let me see? You have to get to it.”), the child doesn’t have to. Q. My two daughters, ages 7 and 3, get physical with each other, hitting, biting and scratching. Typically, my three-year old gets upset and frustrated with her sister and hurts her for no apparent reason—perhaps out of fatigue or boredom. The seven-year old gets upset and usually tells her to stop and leaves. Sometimes she chooses to respond physically. We work on her response a lot to her little sister—to tell her to stop first, to leave her if step one fails, and finally to ask me for help if needed. I tell the little sister to talk/touch gently and then tell her to go and “cool off” in her room or another designated place for five minutes or so. We also work on expressing how we feel (angry, upset etc.). As the younger sister gets older she verbalizes more. Am I handling this situation right? I would like them to never hurt each other physically. Is this an unrealistic expectation? I at least want their physical episodes to decrease and would like to know if I should do anything differently. A. It sounds like your 7 year old is doing very well by telling her sister to stop and leaving as often as she does. She’s bound to retaliate once in awhile. The only thing I would tweek is how you’re handling the 3 year old—and your expectations. Telling her to go and cool off for five minutes is basically sending her to time-out. Her frustration with her sister is getting dismissed and, if she is feeling punished, she will come back for more. If you want her to cool off, go with her. Sit down and read a book. When she is calm say something like, “You were really angry at your sister earlier. I’m wondering what that was about and if I can help. I remember when I used to get angry at my sister (whatever works in your situation)/she used to get angry at me. I would...and my mother would....” I think if you take this tactic, you will be more likely to get to the bottom of it—maybe not right away, but stay consistent with this method. Assume she is having a problem with her older sister. Be determined to find out what that problem is rather than making her wrong. It’s curious that it is usually the younger who instigates it. Were you younger or older in your family? Were you the aggressor or the victim? Who do you identify with in these battles? Using conflict resolution would be helpful, especially as the younger one gets older and more verbal. Neutrally coach them taking turns telling their side of the story uninterrupted—to each other, not to you. Instead of allowing them to tell you what they want—pulling you into their argument—keep encouraging them to toss the ball back and forth between themselves telling each other their grievances while you gently guide it. Ask them what they need from each other. You might get to an old resentment that seemingly has nothing to do with the present fight. It only leads to your frustration and sense of failure if you expect them never to hurt each other. Siblings do that. It doesn’t always mean what we parents think it means. Partly, it’s an expression of their anger, jealousy, frustration, and partly it’s their sibling language. They fight with each other, even hit each other because they can, because there’s a safety in family that they don’t have outside the family. Please let me know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear from those of you who have asked questions to know what has happened if you have implemented my suggestions. It’s really helpful to other readers who have similar situations. 4. Stories None in this issue. I need some!! 5. News I am about to leave for Manila and Singapore where I will be teaching parenting conferences and a teacher training. I’m so curious to know how my approach will be heard by a different parenting culture. I’ll let you know about my experience when I return. The New York Times Science section interview on the impact of yelling on children by Bonnie Rothman Morris has not been published yet. Watch for it Tuesdays. For those of you who are nearby, I am going to be teaching an all day workshop on The Principles of Core Parenting on Sat. Nov. 6 in Peterborough, NH. And a 6 week Sibling Rivalry workshop on Tuesday mornings starting Nov. 2. For either, call The Family Center at 603 924-6303 for information or to register – or email me. I’m also teaching an 8 week When Your Kids Push Your Buttons workshop in Antrim, NH on Wednesdays from 5:30-7:30 beginning Oct. 27 at The Grapevine – 603 588-2620. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com