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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 38 - Can You Say No?
Greetings!
"We are all slaves of our own actions. Why be angry with anyone else?"
— Shantideva
When our children misbehave, it is best to ask ourselves what place we have in their misbehavior. Are they reacting to our inadequacies, tension, unhappiness? They may be merely trying to find balance. See what you can do to restore it.
Discussion of Key Points: Can You Say No?
One of the buttons that gets pushed for many of us is the Approval Button. As well as seeking approval from others, even strangers, we seek approval from our children. We ask their permission ("Time for bed, okay?"), we plead with them ("Pleeease don't hit me."), we sacrifice our needs and rights for theirs, or, like the mother in the last question below, we don't want to set limits on behavior even when it is a question of safety. If you are an approval-seeking parent, ask yourself questions like, Am I afraid my child won't love me if I do something he won't like? Am I afraid of her reaction if I tell her she can't have what she wants? Do I give in to avoid dealing with a meltdown? Do I not have the strength of conviction to say or ask for what I want? Do I not even know what I want or what my needs are?
If we were brought up to only consider the needs of others, were put down for our feelings for fear of showing weakness or flaws, were always told what to do, say, and feel about anything, or were not allowed to figure problems out for ourselves, we did not learn the skills of decision-making or the strength of character that is our birthright. I have seen so many parents, mothers especially, who complain of children who defy, protest, refuse every little thing, and who feel they have little to no control over what their children do. Inevitably this is a parent who was controlled as a child. Building up one's sense of self in the face of old, debilitating messages of self-worth is tough. Perhaps the place to start is with a parent who has always controlled or perhaps it's easier with a child. Remember, changing one's habits does not mean changing who you are or doing everything differently. It means one baby step at a time.
Your children don't have to like what they are asked to do. If you are afraid of their arguments and tantrums, you will lose. It is not your job to make them happy. Even if you did, you would be setting them up for future failure. Your needs, rights and feelings are just as important as theirs. They MUST learn that. If they don't, they take advantage, use their power, and take control-not because they want to, because they can. They need to learn to handle their own disappointments and frustrations and to delay their gratifications. If you don't stand up for yourself and what you want, your children will lose respect for you. Then you will complain of their disrespectful behavior. You don't have to be mean and cruel, you don't have to punish, you don't even have to say no in order to set limits on their behavior, ask for what you want, and gain cooperation.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question, and I answer it right away. Then it goes in a newsletter at a later date. But you get your answer much sooner than its appearance in the newsletter.
Q. My son 4 1/2 year old son is bright, active and happy. However, in the last few months, he has begun to do what he calls "sweaty exercises," which is his name for masturbating. He lies on his stomach on anything he can press against and rocks himself. He does get sweaty and though I suppose it gives him pleasure, it looks more like frustration. Mostly it seems like he does it out of boredom but also once watching TV with a friend and once when his older brother had a friend over. I have never shamed him, but he must have picked up my underlying concern, because he told his nanny not to tell me that he was doing it on a particular day. How unusual is this and should I be doing something about it?
A. Although all four-year-olds do not masturbate, it is perfectly normal. Sometimes it signals stress in a child's life but if you see no reason for that, you are probably right that he's bored. He has discovered that when his mind is not focused, this occupies him and feels good. Interesting that he goes at it enough to actually get sweaty. I would address it with him and normalize it, so it doesn't stay in the realm of "unspoken". Even if you say nothing disapproving, the silence may be enough to let him know that you don't approve. Try going at it directly. When he's doing it, try asking with genuine curiosity if what he's doing feels good to him. Make sure it is completely non-judgmental. Then add, "Sometimes other people (your brother, his friend, etc.) don't understand what you're doing, and because it involves rubbing a private part of your body, it is best to keep it private - just by yourself. It's perfectly okay, other people do it too, just privately." If it is addressed, he won't pick up the taboos.
Q. My nine-year-old son has been swearing a lot. It is seldom overtly aggressive. He is doing it for effect in part but also to boost his own standing/position/self image. He is generally a happy boy who is well liked by all but can get quite angry. Do you have any magic formulas for this?
A. The only magic formula I know is not to forbid it unless you can be sure that no one else in his immediate life ever utters a swear word. What you can do is put parameters around it. Let him know that you do not like hearing these words but know that you do not have the power to stop what he says. Ask him to keep these words at home as they can be very offensive to people outside the family, people he doesn't know, and especially certain people he does know - name them. Make sure he understands that calling someone by a swear word is extremely rude and disrespectful and not only would you not want him ever to do that but hope that he will never allow anyone to call him a swear. Talk about how awful it feels. I have found that when inappropriate words are permitted at home, they usually stay there.
Q. My 3 year old boy has daredevil behavior which is pushing my buttons. Today I burst into tears and too roughly sent him to his room and was incredibly reactive to his "not listening to me". I love your approach of being conscious of the buttons being pushed and have had success with seeing the shifts once I get conscious of my part in the dynamic. He is very strong willed, spirited, intense and pushes the envelope on boundaries I try to put around him. Twice he has run across a road, once narrowly missing a car. He acts like this is a joke. (Really pushes my button). Today as we were getting out of the car he ran a few houses from where I live to the corner. I called for him to come back. He watched me and laughed. I thought he might run across the road if I moved toward him. I didn't want to chase him but felt powerless to get him to come back. He baitingly edged onto the road. After a bit more calling, some strangers walked by, and he edged closer to me. I swooped him up, took him inside, and was very angry with him giving him a smack and putting him in his room more roughly than I would ever want. Mostly, I put him in a pram or hold his hand if not in pram, but I feel this restraint is giving him no freedom and creating a kid who wants to run away whenever he can get loose. He screeches when he is asked to stop anything. He seems to be testing how far I, or the "authority" figure will go. I am a single at-home mother. He is in day care 1 day a week and a couple with his grandmother. On these days he is still spirited but has good behavior. I have opted for another day of care because I feel that I can no longer handle him. My little boy is most loved and cherished, and we have much love and affection between us. But I am exhausted.
A. Be assured you are not alone and are not at fault for your extremely spirited child. Getting another day of care for him if it allows you to replenish is essential. You have a huge challenge and are doing this alone. No one should ever be expected to raise even the easiest child alone. It is not how we are made. That said; first of all you must tell yourself constantly that your son is a child who will not take no for an answer and will not cooperate when he is told what to do. Not all children are this stubborn but MANY are. That does not mean you cannot have control over him. It means you have to encourage his cooperation and set limits without saying no. He likes a challenge, so challenge him. When he runs away from you, instead of telling him to stop or come back-which he will challenge-tell him to see if he can run to a certain tree before you, tell him you bet he can't lie down on the grass over by that bench and stay absolutely still, tell him you will race him back to the house and see who wins. For a while, let him win these challenges. Telling him to stop screeching challenges him-he will not do it. Ask him if he can screech like a mouse would, or challenge him to roar like a lion. If he's really mad, you may have to wait till his emotions are down, but your attitude will make all the difference if you know he's not doing this to "get you". His laughter is his defense against your anger. He doesn't want to be bad, he just doesn't want to be told what to do. When you get mad at him, he is compelled to challenge you—it's his integrity talking, even though it seems that he is being defiant. Say things like - "Boy, you really know what you want and don't want. That's pretty amazing for such a little boy. You know when somebody says something you don't like." I bet he will lap that up. There is nothing wrong with keeping him strapped in the pram. Tell him firmly and clearly that you are in charge of his safety until he is old enough to control his impulse to run off. If you say this with neutrality, without anger or hopelessness, it will have a different impact. He won't like it but that's okay, he doesn't have to. Give him choices—"Do you want to get in yourself or would you like me to put you in?" If you give him lots of challenges for running and racing, he will have plenty of freedom. Of course, you can't do any of this when your buttons are pushed. Your challenge is to change the normal assumptions and expectations most parents have for their kids. You have to be very clear about who he is and how to deal with him-and that he's not being bad or testing your powerlessness. He is playing a game because he doesn't know how serious it is to run in the road, all he knows is that it gets you going and playing chasing games. You will also need all the help and support you can get - but only from someone who can see him this way and not as a bad boy who needs to be punished.
Stories from Readers
I read your e-newsletter every month and just from these I've gained a lot of insight. Sometimes I feel like I have no control over my children (5 1/2 & 3 yrs-old). But, using the approach you share, being more active and aware of how I parent, helps me rise out of my despair and become a confident and good parent! For example, I am now telling my children what I want them to do rather than always saying "don't do this & that". My words and attitude are more positive and this alone has changed discipline for the better in our home!
I continue to use what I learned from you all the time. Tonight my four-year-old was coloring when I wanted her to stop and clean her teeth. I could feel my impatience rising, and just stopped myself and thought about how important her agenda was for her. So I let her finish, and she then willingly came to clean her teeth! So simple, yet so not obvious much of the time.
News
For locals - My Tuesday ongoing classes for parents of approx. 6-12 year olds will be starting up Sept. 11 from 9:30 -11:30. In October I will teach a 4 week class on Thursdays from 9:30 - 11:30 called "When You Child Won't Take No for an Answer". Please call The Family Center at 603 924-6306 for info or to register for either.
This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us.
What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003).
In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children's ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away!
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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© 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com
