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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 6 - Expectations Can Trip Us Up Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas are effecting their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods—about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). Thank you. In order for this newsletter to be successful, I need your questions and stories. Your interaction is imperative to making this newsletter interesting and rich. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any newsletter that may be unclear to you or that you are having a hard time applying. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section or both. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! 2. Discussion of key points – Expectations Can Trip Us Up I worked with a couple today who are very concerned about their fourteen year old daughter. From their first words, I could tell that their expectations, especially the father’s, were pummeling their daughter into the ground. And it’s so easy to do under the banner of concerned parenting. It also struck me immediately that their focus, as it is with most parents, was on getting her to change. Understandable since she is swearing at them and beginning to do poorly in school. Her father described a nightmare “vacation” they recently took during which there was a great of screaming and yelling over the kids not wanting to do what the parents wanted to do or what they had just done happily the day before. The father finally decided to cut himself off from communicating with the rest of the family for the remainder of the week and just do what he wanted—alone. I asked him if he would change any of the choices he made. He couldn’t think of anything other than staying home and painting the house. Jessica has ADHD and is sandwiched between two other sisters who are flexible, cooperative and academically successful. Jessica did extremely well in a small school setting of only 7 students for 5th and 6th grade where she was able to be inside or outside whenever she needed. She entered public school in 7th and is about to start high school. Her parents struggled to get her to go to a local private school but she resisted, wanting to be with her friends. Jess is extremely social, is on the swim team and rides horses. But her father’s perception is that she never gets involved in anything, doesn’t care about learning or finish anything she starts, won’t read and doesn’t care about doing her best either in school or handling chores. Both parents spoke at length describing all the symptoms of ADHD, yet never attributed her behavior to ADHD. Their expectations are set the same as for the other two daughters. Her father spoke about the high standards he expects Jessica to live up to in order to be able to succeed or even survive in the world, catastrophizing that she’ll never be able to hold down a job of any kind. His fear logically leads him to keep a strong hold on his expectations fearing that she will fail if he lets up. And his fear logically leads to his angry reactions when she doesn’t do as he expects. The irony is that she is never able to succeed at his expectations and so learns to see herself as a failure and thus behave like one. This unfortunately typical pattern leads to teenagers giving up and finding acceptance among the peers that parents dread—exactly what is happening with Jess. I’m sure that Jess feels misunderstood, that life is not fair, and that everything she tries is never good enough. With this self-image, why would she strive to do better, be appreciative of the reading program her mother has signed her up for during the last days of her summer vacation, want to join in the activities her parents want to do, cut off her communication with her friends to study and improve her grades?  And why wouldn’t she be angry with her parents, tell them she wishes she didn’t have to live with them, and be reduced to swearing at them when they criticize her for not cleaning the bathroom well enough? When our children get off track, we must look at what has gotten them off track, not just yell at them to get back on. We must see that they are having a problem, not just being a problem. We must be willing to look at ourselves and ask what it is in us that they are reacting to so vehemently. What is the message they are getting about themselves and what are they trying to tell us? When children perceive that they are not meeting up to our standards, they do not question the standards, they question themselves. We need to set our standards and expectations to each individual child. Jessica’s parents must look at her handicap of ADHD and start there rather than expect her to respond the way her sisters do. This does not mean she cannot overcome the handicap. But she must first be supported and accepted in what she can be successful at every step of the way. 3. Questions from readers: Q. What do you do about a 5 year old and 2 year old who say "stupid" a lot. We know it is to get our attention, but it happens a lot. So here is what we've done: Timeouts, Verbal reminders. A. How many of you readers have said at one time or another that your child’s behavior is “just to get your attention?” Let’s think about what that actually means. Isn’t any behavior addressed to another person meant to get their attention? When your child says, “Will you play with me?” or “Can I have the car tonight?” isn’t that intended to get your attention? Why shouldn’t your child want your attention? But when used as it is in the reader’s question, there is a negative value placed on the behavior. What else does the behavior mean to you? Do you also think he’s being manipulative, obstinate, disrespectful, or belligerent? These thoughts will necessarily lead to feelings of anger or resentment, which then provoke punitive reactions. I tell parents to turn the phrase, “He’s just doing that to get my attention,”  into the question, “What does he need attending to?” The reason that the behavior has gotten negative—such as calling a parent “stupid”—is because the child has not been attended to in the way he needs. Children don’t know how to tell us what they need and so they say it with their behavior. When we get our buttons pushed by the behavior and neglect to pay attention to the meaning beneath the behavior, their behavior gets louder or more dramatic in an attempt to get us to “hear” what they are trying to say. If we simply react to the behavior and miss the meaning, we are not attending. Giving negative attention to the behavior (time outs, verbal reminders-probably reprimands) only gives power to the behavior and teaches them just how to push your buttons when they want a little more power in their lives. Depending on how saying “stupid” is used—in anger or in fun—hear it rather than reprimand it. If it is in fun, you might try saying, “You really like that word a lot, don’t you? I don’t allow anyone to call me stupid because I’m not stupid, nor are you. But I know you think it’s fun to say. Maybe you could choose a stuffed animal to say it to or you could go in your room or the back yard and say it all you want to get it out of your system.” It no longer is fun to use if it doesn’t push your button. If it is said in anger, it is important to hear what is really meant. “You’re really mad at me right now because I told you you couldn’t play your video game anymore. I’m sure I’d be mad if I were you. Nobody likes being told what to do. You can tell me how mad you are without calling me stupid.” Q. I’ve just started reading your book – a good investment in money, time and energy in order to be a more effective parent. Here’s my question: A couple of years ago we started giving our children money to spend for back-to-school clothes shopping. Together we take an inventory of what clothes they needed, I come up with a dollar amount that I think would be appropriate to cover those items, and then we go shopping together. They have learned money management and make the choices, with input as needed. But my daughter, age 9, has developed a pattern of not wearing clothes she/we buy. For instance, a shirt she loved when she bought it before school last year…worn maybe 4 times. Or a pair of capris that she loved this spring…worn only once. Or a hat she was dying for when we had some fun shopping together on vacation…not touched since we returned. This pushes my buttons. I didn’t get a lot of new clothes when I was a kid. Mostly I had hand-me-downs from my sisters, my mother made my clothes, or we bought them at thrift shops. I hate the fact that we spend good money on clothing that she doesn’t wear. I’ve told her we’ll cut back on the new clothes she gets, but I know we can’t just stop buying clothes when she needs them. I’ve tried talking with her about this, but nothing seems to help. I have a hard time just letting it go, as it is so wasteful. A. Your strategy of giving your kids money for clothes along with the responsibility for what they buy is an excellent one. I think the only problem is that your expectations are a little too high. At age 9, your daughter is going to be more focused on present trends than on getting the most use out of something she bought months ago. This is not necessarily reason to stop your plan. It just needs reevaluating. For instance, discuss with her the problem as you see it understanding that her likes change throughout the year. Perhaps you could spread her clothes money out, giving it to her at 3 or 4 different times. That way she can figure out how to ration it. Anything out of the ordinary, you can cover. I think your problem is that there is not a finite amount and so when she wants something new and doesn’t wear something that is perfectly good (your agenda), you are forced into a decision of either giving her more or giving her a consequence of not giving more. And my guess is you feel resentful either way. If she knows what she has to spend, then it is up to her how she spends it, and you can let her learn the hard way what happens if she buys something on impulse and has no money left when she is over the impulse. But if she knows another chunk is coming up in two months, she can wait until then—a good lesson in delayed gratification. Your experience as a child was very different than hers. It’s hard not to get into the thought, “You don’t know how good you’ve got it” or “I’ve raised a spoiled brat.” See if assumptions like that are provoking you and fueling feelings of resentment and being taken for granted. Q. My five year old has been a sensitive, persistent, strong-willed little guy since birth. My biggest problem now is his temperament and his anger. We walk on egg shells around him because you never know what is going to get him angry. Now he voices it, which is great. But how do you get him to recognize and control it? For example, after getting up this morning, he must have run into my room and got under the covers. When I went to make my bed, I discovered him, and he took a nutty. "I'm mad at you, I wanted to come downstairs by myself, etc." Shouldn't this phase be done? If you grab the wrong bowl, he gets upset. If Daddy does something "he wasn't suppose to do" he gets upset. How can we help Kevin become more laid back and cope with life's ups and downs? I am at the end of my rope. He is suppose to be going to Kindergarten in the fall, and I am scared to death for him. I realize I can't "change" Kevin, I just want him to be happy. A. This sounds so much like my daughter at this age! First of all, give yourself a big pat on the back for teaching him/allowing him to say, “I’m mad at you. I wanted to come downstairs by myself.” Now give yourself a break and realize that that doesn’t turn into anger management and laid back behavior. You have given him coping skills—they just aren’t as controlled as you want them to be. You’re right, you can’t change him, but you’re expecting that you should be able to. For some children, this phase is over by 5. For Kevin (or my daughter) it’s not. His temperament will never be laid back. But if you keep giving him the skills to voice his emotions, rather than repress them and thus believe he is bad for having them, he will more quickly learn to cope—at least in the outside world—the way you hope. My guess is that he will do fine in Kindergarten, but be prepared for meltdown when he comes home. That will show you that he has learned coping skills. But you will get the letdown because you are available for it. He will need it. As  hard and exhausting as it is, always be available for his “nutties.” I promise you it will pay off if he can let it out with you and come out the other end knowing that you still love and accept him. Just make sure you keep the balance and don’t let him do anything he wants in order to avoid the nutty. Let him have the right to his anger when you say “no,” when you don’t have the bowl he wants, or when Daddy does the wrong thing. He may not be able to control his frustration now, but he will gradually learn to cope more and more as he gets older. Just hang in there and persevere. Please let me know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. 5. News I was interviewed for an article by Bonnie Rothman Morris for The New York Times Science section on the impact of yelling on children. Watch for it Tuesday Aug. 24, 31 or Sept. 7. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com