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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 25 - Respect and Gratitude
"Parenting is far less stressful and exhausting when we know it is not up to us to mold our children's character, fix their problems, and be responsible for their pain."
—When Your Kids Push Your Buttons...
Good boundaries are essential to find the balance between our needs and our children's.
And don't forget, please send your questions and stories!
Contents:
- Purpose
- Discussion of key points
- Questions and answers – Running low. Keep them coming!
- Stories – None this month. We want to hear how you’re doing!
- News of upcoming events or announcements
1. Purpose
This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us.
What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003).
Your questions and stories:
In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away!
2. Discussion of key points – Respect and Gratitude
Our generation is at risk of breeding selfish, uncooperative, disrespectful children who have come to see, through no fault of their own, that they are special and above reproach—a regretful by-product of today's parents overly concerned with self-esteem. Many parents who realized that they had no voice or importance as children have decided that they must make sure their children experience the opposite. The problem is that the opposite doesn't necessarily lead to healthy self-esteem. The opposite is often the parent's imagined ideas about what life would be like if they had gotten what they wanted. So they compensate and fulfill their own fantasies, which have nothing to do with meeting their individual child's needs.
Naomi was neglected and abused as a child and was determined her child would never experience what she did. She coddled and loved and nurtured her son, Jeff, and was horrified to realize that she raised a teenager who never took responsibility for any of his actions nor ever lifted a finger to help his single, full-time working mother. He didn't have to. We are quick to blame children and teenagers who show these self-centered tendencies, but when parents sacrifice their own needs for the sake of their child's happiness, value the child's needs more than their own, and micromanage their child's life to ensure non-consequential, pain-free experiences, the child is left with the only logical assumption, I am more special than others and deserve whatever I want, whenever I want it. Hard but true—they learn it from what we allow.
Wanting to break the pattern of an unhappy childhood is very tricky. But it does not mean that you must make sure your children are happy all the time. Children are indeed much happier when they feel needed to help the family run smoothly (that doesn't mean they will like doing chores), when they are held accountable for their behavior (this takes time and energy when you may not have it) and are expected to ask permission rather than assuming they can and should do what they want (hearing "no" may result in a meltdown you don't want to deal with). Holding a parenting philosophy that says my children's needs are important, they will be heard, take part in family decisions, and the parents are not always right is great but can be dangerous if the parent's needs are not in balance with the child's, if parents sacrifice their needs to ensure their children's happiness.
Buttons get pushed easily when children learn that they can have what they want without waiting or working for it. They are not naturally respectful and grateful. That comes when we take care of ourselves, and they know that what we do for them is our choice not our duty. It comes when we respect and are grateful to them, but also when we expect it back (not demand, expect). It comes with learning delayed gratification, which requires frustration. Yes, they can learn that they deserve what they want. But not when it comes at the cost of anyone else. Balance is one of the hardest things to achieve in a family, but essential for a child's healthy self-esteem. We must be willing to say no, to take care of what is important in our lives, and to know that children can and should experience frustration to develop patience, cooperation and gratitude. Frustration, anger, and sadness are rich important feelings. If we prevent our children from feeling them, we are robbing them of essential life experience.
3. Questions from readers:
Q. James, four, is an incredible little guy who is smart and curious and exceedingly kind to his sister. But lately he has been refusing to take naps or even lay down for 10 minutes, which worked for awhile. Many people have suggested that we stop naptime altogether, but if James doesn't nap he is miserable in the evenings, has trouble sitting through dinner, and ends up going to bed early, at 7:00 instead of 8:00 or so. Most of the time if he lays down he falls asleep. But now he's refusing to even lay down proclaiming: "I don't want to." Now nearly every time we ask him to do something, he says: "I don't want to!" and ignores us. We tried the 1,2,3 technique, with a time out, and again that worked well for a while but then he wouldn't stay in his room for the time out. We've gotten to the point where we hold his door shut for time outs, and he gets very agitated, screaming, pounding and kicking the door. More and more things are "I don't want to," which he now says in a terrible distorted voice. He's started slamming his door and saying things like "Don't talk to me!" and finally, yesterday: "I hate you." I lose my temper, I yell, we've even spanked a couple of times. We know that we're on the wrong path but are unsure of how to turn things around. We're at a loss and I hope you can help us see where to go from here.
A. James is telling you loud and clear that coercion is not working. Your methods of discipline are provoking the, "I don't want tos" and now "I hate you." You want him to just lay down and get some rest but the time outs are telling him he's being bad. If you can stand back and see that it all started with him trying to say, I don't want to take a nap anymore—perfectly reasonable for a four-year-old. Not being heard, he has to keep it up about everything. He's just trying to make you hear him. And what he gets in response is anger and punishment. Now he's beginning to act like the bad boy he thinks you see him as. You need to help him succeed. Hear him when he says he doesn't want to nap. Try, "We have a problem. You don't want to take a nap or lie down and I need you to rest so you'll be able to make it through dinner. How can we both get what we want/need?" Ask him to help solve the problem with you. Most children stop taking naps around 3 or 4 and it is a very frustrating time for parents. They're not tired enough or don't want to nap but their bodies haven't yet adjusted to a no-nap day. There's no way around going through a transition that is harder on you than on him. Forcing the issue is not worth hurting your relationship and his sweet nature. Let him give up his nap. This transition time is always hard no matter when you do it. But you need to grow as he does and give him more choice over himself as he gets older. Get off the path of punishment as quickly as you can and into problem solving. He will love you for it.
Q. My children are on a two month visitation with their dad, and OH how I miss them!! I see them every other weekend, but I feel like I have lost the deep connection, the progress I had made with them!! My son is tumbling blindly into puberty at the young age of 11, and I struggle to make connection. He is "going with" a 12 year old (who looks like she's 16). He has already kissed her and holds her hand. His dad lets him call her and talk to her for long periods of time, and does not see it as "harmful". I am a Christian and I DO see it as harmful, I want to lead and guide him to a belief of abstinence and respecting his body. How do I stand strong that "dating" is not ok, with out pushing him away? I am so thankful that he feels safe enough to share this with me! He says that "dad says it's ok." I said, "Well in the end it doesn't matter what we say, you will have to answer to God." But how do I hold on to his trust while showing him the right path? If you have any advice I would appreciate it.
A. I certainly feel for your concern about them "regressing" from all you have done with them. When your son comes back, you can establish a new set of rules that work for you. You will no doubt have some anger to face, but you can say, "When you're at my house, we have different rules. I know that may not seem fair, but I can't allow you to do what I don't think is right." Talk to your son about this girl and get to know her. Remember you are catastrophizing about what this could mean. They may just be playing at boyfriend and girlfriend. Ask him what he likes about her and what they like to do together. But to get this info, you have to remain neutral—curious, not judging. If he senses your disapproval, you could push him into just what you don't want. Get involved as much as you can, go places with them, so they don't get the idea they are on dates. After he knows you have heard his side and respect his agenda, then say yes or no to what he is asking. Your faith is very strong, and it is hard to watch your children experience things that you have chosen to disavow. Know that the strongest teacher is modeling. Your job is to live your life in the way that is right for you but not to force it onto your children, which can push them in the opposite direction. Of course, teach them what you believe but it always helps to have an open mind. You can say - this is what I believe very strongly, this is how I believe it is important to live life. I trust that you have good minds and will make smart decisions about your life believing what is important and helpful to you. But if you say, this is what you must believe, you may lose your influence.
Q. My son is almost 4 and has been doing a lot of testing all year. He does the "yes, no, yes, no, yes." Also when asked if he wants something - I try to give a clear choice of two alternatives - sometimes he will choose one then change his mind several times. His reaction goes from amused to outraged when he changes his mind. I have tried talking to him about how sometimes it is hard to make up our minds, how it is ok to change our minds but it's better to think before we speak. I sometimes ask, "Are you sure?" I have tried drawing the line once he has asked for something saying, "I listened to you. You asked for milk, so you have milk." I have tried indulging in his game and letting him switch a few times, and he's usually done after about the 4th switch. Or laughing about it with him. Or just distracting him. I've talked about how it is rude with waiters or his grandmother and I can't let him be rude to other people the same way that I wouldn't let them be rude to him. I have also tried getting exasperated, letting him push my buttons and then talking about how wouldn't he like to avoid either of us getting upset. All seem to work at different times. Is there anything else to be tried? Or is this just part of being 3 or 4 or 5 and I should just roll with it using different tactics when they seem appropriate?
A. This is very typical behavior for children this age. He is testing his power and learning that he can make things happen—and make you go through hoops. It's an experimental phase like throwing food on the floor to see what happens. Children this age change their minds constantly and expect mom to be on the same wavelength. Unfortunately it is extremely annoying, but it is developmental. Resist trying to reason with him. Occasionally say, "I guess you changed your mind" and give him what he changed it too. If he is angry about that, let that be okay but don't shift again. Try, "It's hard when your mind keeps changing, isn't it?" All your methods sound fine (except the button-pushing one!). If you are at the end of your rope, it's fine not switch again. Let him know ahead that today he will need to go with his first choice. Ask, "Are you sure?" and then stick with it and don't worry if he melts down. Empathize with his frustration and don't worry that he will never be able to decide anything or know what he wants. This too will pass. Stay detached, and don't take it personally! It's good for him to learn that you will adjust when he changes his mind—that he has an effect on you—but not all the time.
Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out!
4. Stories
1. After witnessing my 5 yr. old teasing her younger brother to the point of him running away from her screaming STOP IT! STOP IT! I DON'T LIKE YOU TO TEASE ME, I spoke to her several times about ways she could communicate with him, etc..... But now my concern was really for her brother. I worried that he would grow up and feel that I hadn't done enough to help him. So one day I asked him when he was being teased how he would like me to help him. His reply was he didn't want me to talk too loud to his sister. I couldn't believe that he was more concerned with me getting on his sister's case when he was being teased. I guess he recognized that her teasing meant that she was having a problem not being a problem and to help her instead, that he was all right!
2. It still never stops amazing me the connection and learning that occurs on both my end and the kids' when I stop to take the time and opportunity as it presents itself. Of course I am not perfect and show my humanness, but as you say, you can always go back and connect and talk about how things could be done better the next time. And I find it frustrating at times just as I reach a comfort level it changes and then I have to regroup and learn again through trial and error. It's like a treasure hunt, you have to look for clues, sometimes you fall into pits, the journey is frustrating, exciting, and takes concentration but the treasure at the end (when you really connect with them) is awesome.
Please send your stories. No matter how small your successes, they are so important to hear and to give encouragement.
5. News
We are conducting a professional certification training for the Buttons course at my office in New Hampshire Aug. 11-14. There are still a few places open; NASW CEUs are available. Please contact kristin@bonnieharris.com if you would like to know more.
A 6-CD set of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (read by me) are available by contacting kristin@bonnieharris.com or by sending $29.95 plus $2.30 postage to Bonnie Harris Core Parenting 152 Windy Row Peterborough, NH 03458. Includes a 7th bonus disk with printable pdf files of the exercises from the book.
If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble.
Click here to Read Previous Newsletters.
Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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© 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com
