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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 16 - Who’s the Grown-Up? Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. See below for ways to order. Thank you. Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story. 2. Discussion of key points – Who’s the Grown-Up? “It never works to expect our child to act like the grown-up first” (quote from bottom of p. 9 in the book). How often do we expect our children to behave like more of a grown-up than us? Imagine yourself in a power struggle. What are you behaving like and what are you demanding your child to behave like? When we yell and scream or lay blame and attack with criticisms, put-downs or ‘that tone,’ we are not behaving like a grown-up. I’m sure that you would not expect another grown-up to speak to you the way we so easily speak to our children. So many parents say to me, “Why do I always have to be the one to change? Why can’t my child just listen for once?” The answer is that it’s because she is the child and you are the parent. It’s not her job to step ahead of you and behave more maturely. This quote on p. 9 follows the statement that in order to stop the reactive cycle from spinning, we must be the first to stop reacting. When we react, we send messages across the Gap to our children that we don’t want our children to have - “I don’t want to be bothered by you,” “You can’t ever do it right,” “I don’t trust you,” etc. But we expect them to interpret what we mean through our reactive emotions and understand that if they do what we want, then we will calm down and be nice to them! That’s expecting them to be the first to get off the action-reaction cycle, the first to be the grown-up. Adults have a hard enough time doing that when they feel attacked—how can we expect it of our children? Think about a time when you felt attacked by another adult, whether it was intended or not. You had a choice at that moment of either attacking back to defend yourself, trying to justify yourself by arguing further, or stepping out of it and saying something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m feeling attacked right now, and I’d rather talk about this when we are both calmed down.” Which choice did you make? Probably the first or second. It takes a lot of self-assurance and maturity to make the third choice. If you feel attacked by a superior, say at work, you have the choice of sucking it up and doing what is asked or standing up for yourself and resisting the attack. Probably you suck it up. But don’t you have fantasies of standing up for yourself and saying what you really feel? What stops you? The risk of being fired, yes, but also you were probably never taught how or allowed to stand up for yourself when you were a child. So you believe that if you do, it will be in anger and you will be fired. How do you cumulatively feel after sucking it up over and over? Probably quite critical and resentful of your superior—certainly not generous and cooperative. Now let’s go back to the power struggle with your child. What do you want for your child in the long run? I imagine you would like your child to be able to stand-up for himself and not allow himself to be attacked by anyone. And wouldn’t you like him to be able to gracefully and maturely step out of an uncomfortable position by not attacking back. So to achieve this outcome, you need to first allow your child the voice of defending his integrity—that voice that you were probably not allowed. That means allowing his anger, validating his anger, and teaching him appropriate ways to express his anger. That means not taking his behavior personally and not letting it push your buttons. He’s just defending himself. He needs to be able to do that and be taught how to do it responsibly, not by being sent to his room or to time-out. Then he needs a consistent model of an adult who can respond to his behavior like a grown-up, not get riled by it, and maintain integrity, maturity and authority. This is hard work and takes a lot of practice—exactly why it is so important to teach your children now so they have it engrained and don’t have to learn how later on. Allow them their voice to defend their integrity, teach them how to express their anger without words or actions of attack, and model for them the behavior you want them to grow into. Please let me know if there are specific aspects of the book you would like clarified or explained more deeply. 3. Questions from readers: Q. I have a 10 yr. old daughter who is smart, responsible and quite mature. She has some medical issues and gets daily injections. But I'm having a hard time with her rudeness and disrespect when she is asked to do something she doesn't like. Today I dropped her off at camp and found she had forgotten her sunscreen. I borrowed some and called her over from her group to apply it. She was rude saying she wasn’t going to and I couldn’t make her. I told her if she didn't, she would have to get in the car and go home. She continued to be mouthy so I had to threaten her to get in the car stating that I'd drag her in front of her friends. She then refused to put on her seatbelt saying, "make me." Then she threatened to jump out of the car. At this point I totally lost it and started yelling. I swore, stopped the car and slapped her arm. Definitely had my buttons pushed big time. I would never have dreamed of disrespecting my parents this way, and they would never have tolerated it. At school and at other homes she is as sweet as an angel. I'm at the end of my rope. we've talked to her after the situation is over explaining how her behavior makes us feel, we've suggested a code word to use so she can recognize and get a handle on the behavior early, we've suggested a cooling off period in her room, we've withheld her allowance, and removed privileges. Nothing has been successful. I'm not proud of my behavior. Any recommendations? A. I hope you have gotten some ideas about what is happening here from reading the key points section above. Your daughter is expected to be the grown-up first. We can all relate to how awful it feels when your child is behaving this rudely. The problem is she feels unheard and she thinks she has to be loud and dramatic to be heard. Looking at it objectively, can you see that it must feel very rude and embarrassing to be called out of your camp group to have your mother apply sunscreen at age 10?! And then to be threatened with humiliation in front of your friends adds insult to injury. What was her agenda, what was yours? You expected her to drop hers and go with yours. She certainly reacted inappropriately, but she was dealt with inappropriately too. All your attempted solutions make her feel blamed. Each one is punitive and proclaims her as the problem. You will get much further with her if you go back over this scenario (you can still do it) and say, "Remember that time when I made you leave camp because you wouldn’t let me put sunscreen on you? I've been thinking a lot about it, and I realized that I didn't pay attention to what was important to you—only me. (She will open her ears when she hears that) You must have felt pretty embarrassed and angry with me for insisting on the sunscreen." This Isn't saying the sunscreen Isn't important. It is saying that you can understand how it must have felt from her point of view. This is respectful parenting. Then with her help you might review the situation and come up with a better solution. Perhaps handing her the sunscreen and asking her to put it on at her earliest convenience telling her who it belongs to would be a good place to start. Q. I have a 4 yr. old and a 15 month old. My 4 yr. old is driving me crazy! If I try to get something done (dinner, clean up, find books, take a phone call, care for her brother), she will focus on something and ask me incessantly about it. For example: When is Gramma coming? Will you play with me? Can I watch a movie? Is it afternoon yet and can I nurse? (She nurses once in the afternoon). She’ll follow me around the house with her question until I explode. I spend time each day interacting with her, playing with her, involving her in my daily stuff, taking her on playdates, etc. Why can't I have a little time to get stuff done without the haranguing? A. Four-year-olds can be very good at perseverating, which is what she is doing by asking questions over and over. it's kind of a throw back to the "mine, mine, mine" or the "what’s that?" of the 2 and 3 yr. old. First of all, pay attention to the assumption that since you give her a lot of time, you expect that she should give you the time you require. Again, asking her to be the grown-up. That doesn't mean you don't deserve it. You do. But expecting her to give it to you is inappropriate. You need to take the time you need and find the way to do that yourself. So dealing with her questioning means first understanding that it is her right to want you to pay attention to her ALL the time—her desire is normal. But it is up to you, not her, to figure out how to get the time you need. You can answer once or twice and then ignore the rest knowing that this too will pass and try not to let it push your button. Or you can answer once or twice and then when she asks again, stop, make eye contact, and say very calmly, "You asked me that before and I answered you. Can you remember what it was that I said?" And then have her repeat the answer to you. If she continues, say to her, "What is my answer?" Unfortunately when you explode, even though it is negative, she has accomplished what she wanted—your focus on her—so it works. I also might suggest that you wean her from her afternoon nursings. I think that when a child is still nursing, they rightfully feel a kind of ownership of you. The separation will be hard but good for her in the long run. Q. I have a 6 yr. old daughter who is afraid to go to camp. I feel sure she wasn’t abused or bullied. I think it has to do with our recent move and her not knowing anyone here or at camp. She starts the morning fine but as it gets time to leave, she gets teary-eyed and complains of a stomach ache. She finally breaks down in tears and says she just wants to stay home. I let her stay home one day after first taking her and having a talk with her counselor but she has gone since, sometimes with protest. As far as I can tell, she enjoys herself once she is there. She's always been enthusiastic, outgoing, and gregarious. My fear is that this is a permanent shift. She loved camp last year. I try to be calmly encouraging and relate stories of my own early camp fears, but the problem Isn't going away. A new school where she won't know anyone is coming up, so I hope to have strategies ready. A. It sounds clear to me that your daughter is feeling temporarily insecure because of the move and just wants to stay home during the summer while she can. I wouldn’t expect this to be anything permanent. She sounds like she is able to cope well once she's there and make the best of the situation. But I think it would be great if she could ease into the new place and be home—in order to make it feel like home—whenever she wants during this transition year. Soon she won't be able to stay home. (I'm sorry this question didn't get answered sooner. She's probably done with camp now!) As for school, check out when the teachers are back and take her to the school for a visit. Check in with the principal and find her new teacher. If you can't get together with the teacher that day, see if you can make a date to come back before school starts. Seeing her room and what’s there, knowing the teacher and the teacher knowing that she is new to the area, might ease her worries. But do take her worries seriously. That doesn't mean wallow in the problem with her, but it does help to let her know that her concerns are normal, and it might take a little time to make new friends. Do make sure she's got the rest of the summer to just stay home if she wants to. Another nice thing to do for any child, is to take some R & R days. Maybe once a grade period, determine a day that works for you that she can take off from school and do something special with you. Mark it on the calendar and have it to look forward to. Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories My 7 yr. old son really wanted a David Beckham tee shirt (a football star in England). I didn't want to buy one so I suggested that we make one copying the design from a picture on the internet. He loved doing it and was so proud of it. During Sunday school at our synagogue, one of the boys, who is football crazy and has all the new gear, told him it was a stupid shirt. I asked my son what he did and he said, "Well David Isn't a very happy boy because he's always getting told off by teachers so he probably said it because he feels bad about himself and wanted to make me feel bad. I just said, "Oh,’ when he said it to me." Then I knew that my reflective listening had really helped him be emotionally intelligent. I just wanted to share that I think the "fear of water" in the form of showers and baths seems to be a common theme for kids under 11 or so. My daughter resisted for years as though she would melt if she touched water. Well, now in the last month or so (she's 12 1/2), she takes baths and showers daily (sometimes twice a day!). She cares much more about her appearance which includes hygiene. She’ll even ask, "Mom do you think I need a shower?" and really wants to know what I think. Amazing. I've been reading your book and I really like the part about having two agendas, the standards and then making assumptions. it's so true. Along with the issue behind the behavior, these are the most important issues overlooked and ignored in the world today. Just last night I went to pick up my boys (their dad and I are going through a divorce) and I walked in with my agenda (I'm uncomfortable, I want to get out of there as soon as possible, he should have them ready) and said to them, "Turn off the Nintendo and let’s go," not thinking of their agenda (I miss dad, I don't want this weekend to end, why can't you two get back together). So when he continued to play and ignore me, I started to get upset and open my mouth. Then I thought about our agendas. I was so tired, I couldn’t think of what to do, so I just let it go (probably not the best idea, but better than a power struggle) and then their dad told them to turn it off. It is really empowering to SEE the problem clearly so it can be addressed. Thanks Bonnie. 5. News Well, my son is married and my daughter is a college graduate! What a summer it's been. For those in the area, I will be doing a Buttons class in Keene, NH; a year long program for parents of 5-10 year olds and a class called What You Focus on Grows in Peterborough, NH; a class on my Core Principles in Antrim, NH. Also I will be doing a workshop on Raising Children with Non-Violence for the Day of Waging Peace conference on Sept. 21 in Keene, NH. See my website for details. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com