PHILOSOPHY
SERVICES
RESOURCES
Buttons Book
Confident Parents Book
Monthly Column
Newsletter
Compact Discs
Parent Workbooks
EVENTS
MEDIA
CONTACT US
SITE MAP
HOME
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 36 - Finding the Balance
Greetings!
"Not causing harm requires staying awake. Part of being awake is slowing down enough to notice what we say and do. The more we witness our emotional chain reactions and understand how they work, the easier it is to refrain. It becomes a way of life to stay awake, slow down, and notice."
— Pema Chödrön
Parents often say they don't have time for all this awareness work. But giving attention to it now, makes parenting easier than you can imagine. Isn't your child worth it?
Discussion of Key Points: Finding the Balance
Everything in moderation is a good rule to follow with so many things in life. We sometimes get so caught up in the right and wrong ways of doing things that we miss the big picture. Much of the progressive parenting I have observed does more toward enabling, rather than supporting, a child. We must be careful with issues of raising self-esteem, connection and attachment, praising and rewarding to reinforce positive behavior, and allowing a child's self-expression. There are many facets to these concepts that do not benefit parent or child. Balance is the word I keep coming back to. A lot of progressive parenting has backfired. In our attempts to raise self-esteem, give positive reinforcement, and allow self-expression, parents have gone overboard and neglected their own needs, putting their children's under a magnifying glass. There's something to be said for large families where children are not closely scrutinized.
We seem to have an epidemic of teens and young adults who take no notice of the rights of others, regard their own rights as paramount, and cannot put one foot in front of the other without being praised for it. Parents do not want to deny their children the best. We become our children's cheerleaders when we don't think they should ever experience unhappiness. In an attempt to boost confidence, we miss the opportunity to connect when we praise every drawing. We cannot stand their disappointments, their sadness, their upsets, fearing low self-esteem. And we catastrophize into future failures. We cannot stand listening to their arguments, the ones we've been told we should allow, so we allow them to have what they want and skip the argument. Not to mention the parents who are worn down by balancing work and home, screaming children, endless and mindless scheduling, who don't want to deal with yet another tantrum if a "no" is uttered.
Corporations are being forced to hire praise consultants to establish award programs and confetti throwing events in order to keep their young praise-dependent workers happy. Children who were brought up on M&Ms for using the potty, a 3 ft. tall trophy given to every member of the tee-ball team, a special prize for showing up, stickers for standing in line, are not satisfied with inherent rewards. Satisfaction with a job well done or something learned is no longer enough. The carrot must be in easy reach.
It is critical for raising a whole child to allow the experience of disappointment, being left out, sadness, anger, and defeat. How do they learn what they like and don't like, who they want to be like or not without experiencing it all? How do they learn what joy feels like if they do not experience sorrow? When we jump in to rescue, cheer up, or avoid conflict, we rob children of important emotions they become afraid of as they grow, perhaps requiring drugs or sedatives to keep them away. We fall into traps all the time when our children, free to express, allowed to say how they feel without fear, actually do so. A screech of unhappiness, a cry of I hate you, a sobbing tantrum on the floor pushes our buttons. We may yell or run from it, we may try to cheer them up, we may punish, everything but actually support their emotions, sending the message that unpleasant feelings are bad. They grow dependent on feeling good, being praised for everything they do, and resistant to the hard things that cause fear, disappointment, sadness. We are a feel good society. We have enabled our children in the happiness myth never imagining that their self-esteem would actually be in jeopardy.
Make sure you have a strong boundary and take care of your needs and wants. Make sure your children grow to learn that their needs are no more or no less important than anyone else's. And allow them their feelings no matter how uncomfortable they make you feel. You don't have to do anything about them but let them be.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question, and I answer it right away. Then it goes in a newsletter at a later date. But you get your answer much sooner than its appearance in the newsletter.
Q. I have five children from 4.5 to 12. My problem is conducting phone calls. I need to hear and concentrate, whether it's with a teacher, doctor, appliance repair, or whatever. Sometimes my children do not interrupt, but too often they disturb. They sing loudly right nearby, (leaving the room isn't always an option), they interrupt with trivialities, and they run to me screaming and fighting. The younger kids do this more than the older kids (which gives some hope, I guess), but they all do it more than I feel they should. I feel very tense when I get or have to make calls, because I never know if it's going to work out. Sometimes I go to my room and lock the door, but then they tend to scream and bang on the door and of course it feels crummy to have to do that. This has been an ongoing frustration for many years. Help!
A. When you are on the phone, children know you are a target. You're trapped and the kids know it. Then your frustrated reaction provokes more annoying behavior, and it gets chaotic. Children know you are not available to them when that phone rings, and they don't like it. I would set a time when you and all the children discuss YOUR problem. Be clear that it is your problem (they don't care that your call is being disrupted) so they don't feel blamed and react defensively. Your problem is the noise level and demand of your attention when you are on the phone. Ask if they can come up with a communication solution if they need you. Perhaps they could write a note. Hold the attitude that you want to solve this so everyone gets what he wants. Ask what rules need to be set so you be assured your phone calls won't be interrupted. Assure them that they have the same right to uninterrupted phone calls. Then ask, what they think should happen if anyone forgets and breaks the rules. Let them come up with these answers. You can make suggestions, but don't direct them—that's what makes them take revenge when you're on the phone. Write up what you have discussed and have everyone sign it.
Another important piece: Assure them that you will answer any questions when you get off. Then, even if they have gone off or are playing a game, go to them and say, "What was it you wanted while I was on the phone?" They must know that you really mean that even if they have totally forgotten. Also, allow your children to be part of adult conversations. When children are booted out or put in front of the TV when adults are around, they don't learn the protocol. When to talk and not interrupt is learned the best by watching adults and being part of the whole adult dynamic.
Q. My nearly 7-year-old son is finishing up grade 1 in public school, after a year of kindergarten at the Waldorf School. I never had any problem with the way Waldorf teachers responded to his behavior challenges—they taught with love. His current school, however, implements consequences, specifically in the lunchroom, that I find inappropriate. The lunchroom also serves as the gymnasium and auditorium, with a stage at the front. When a child (and my son has been this child at least 3-4 times this year) exhibits bad behavior in the lunchroom (acting goofy and silly, making spitting noises, reaching, standing up at the table), the child is separated from his usual table/friends for several days if not a week at a time, and instead must sit at an isolated desk squarely in the center of the stage wall, so the child is staring at a blank wall, while the whole lunchroom faces the child's back. Removing a child is one thing, but to place a child on display feels punitive and intended to induce shame. My son handles consequences at school just fine, but when it comes to this desk, he says he feels angry sitting there—he'd rather eat in another classroom, for example. Is my upset re: this sort of consequence, legitimate, or am I just "spoiled" from having spent a year in the Waldorf community?
A. You're concern is absolutely legitimate. No school should shame a child by putting him on display for public humiliation. This is not a consequence. And your son's anger is legitimate. If this has started in 1st grade, how will he feel about school by 4th grade? Perhaps encourage your son to write a note to the principal with your help and supervision to say how he feels in that spot asking for his consequence to be isolation in a classroom or with a teacher. Even that for more than one day will not teach him anything worthwhile. If nothing else, your child would feel empowered, and even if shot down, he will know where you stand. Very likely their punishments will send his behavior in the wrong direction. Watch for that, and if his behavior gets worse, I would look for another school. Standing on the table, maybe not, but acting goofy and making weird noises—isn't that what children are about at lunchtime?
Q. My strong willed 3 1/2 yr. old is not potty trained yet and quite often does not want to go at all. I've tried to make it a positive experience, rewarding with candy when he pees, but he still generally resists. He would rather have a wet/poopy diaper than interrupt whatever he's doing to use the potty. He never tells me when he has to go and rarely chooses to go on his own. Any thoughts on making this process easier?
A. I would pull back on your attempts for a while and go back to diapers. He has gotten into some bad habits due to power struggles, I believe, where he knows he can win. Toileting, sleeping, and eating all weigh in on the child's side as far as power goes. Stop giving him candy or rewards of any kind. Using the toilet is normally expected behavior and should never warrant a prize. He will use the toilet when he is not trying to get something out of it, be it power or candy. DO give him your attention, your assistance, your support and encouragement, and even your reminders as long as they are neutral. Let him know that it's his body to take care of, and that he has control over it. He will naturally resist when he senses you trying to control his body—because you can't, and he can. Ask him if he would like your help getting out of diapers or does he want to do it alone. The wet/poopy diaper is apparently your problem, not his. Not too many kids seem to mind them. He doesn't tell you he needs to go because it's the last thing on his mind. When he chooses to go, don't make a big thing of it — you can acknowledge it but it doesn't sound like rewards work for him — maybe he's too smart and sees through it. He also sees what he can get out of not going. Your attention, even if negative, and your frustration are powerful to evoke.
Stories from Readers
I have a very spirited four year old who is not a morning person and would happily stay at home playing all day. So getting out the door was an issue for a long time. Finally I realized that he had a very different rhythm and that my agenda was not his. My approach was to play as long as possible and then get dressed and go. But he hated to be rushed at the end, hated the impending departure and hated having his play and stories interrupted, even though he was fine when we actually got out the door. So finally I started to weave the getting ready into his stories sometimes an hour before it was time to leave. I don't say "time to put your pants on." If he is playing a story about trucks in trouble I turn the pants into a tunnel and let the trucks drive in and then say they need the giant heel to push them out...or I make a game of putting out his clothes and telling the trucks not to let anyone touch them or I don't lay out anything but simply say I'm going to get dressed and in ten minutes we have to walk out the door. I wonder if the trucks have any ideas? As long as my suggestion is woven into his story line it works every time. It just takes two minutes of listening instead of fifteen minutes of arguing and persuading.
News
I am working on my next book and would love your stories. If you have something that works around the following issues, and your child is between two and twelve, I would love your stories: getting out the door in the morning, mealtimes, chores, car time, homework, and bedtime.
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
Click here to Read Previous Newsletters.
Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
^ Top
© 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com
