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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 24 - Detachment "It seems that often when problems arise, our outlook becomes narrow." —The Dalai Lama Having just returned from the other side of the globe, I have been reminded again of just how narrow one's focus can be—on everything. We get stuck in our little worlds with our little issues and often fail to see a bigger picture. To be able to detach from ourselves (what our minds tell us about reality) must be one of the greatest gifts. Not to be a "space cadet" but someone who can take each problem as it comes without fear or resentment. Think what great problem-solvers we could be. Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! 2. Discussion of key points – Detachment One of the keynote speakers at the conference in Australia, Prof. James McKenna from the states, gave a fascinating presentation on “Stone Age Babies in a Space Age World.” His anthropological focus on the human infant is critical to understanding how narrow our focus can become and how we get caught up in parenting fads. McKenna said that the physical development of the human infant at birth is no different than it was hundreds of thousands of years ago. But the environment we bring it into is obviously quite different. When I think about that, I am amazed at the ability of the infant to transform and adapt to whatever we present it with—good or bad. The next time your child presents a problem going to bed, think about the fact that your child is evolved to sleep next to your body, that we have changed to require separate rooms for our convenience, and that you are asking your child to fight her natural instincts. When parents, focused on their own agendas, insist that their children be a certain way because that is what is “right,” those parents are caught in a bind and fail to see that theirs is merely a perception of what is right. When a child who is not as temperamentally adaptable fights against the parent’s perception, that child is viewed as obstinate, defiant, and disrespectful. Remember there are other ways to look at it. Question your assumptions. As parents we of course want to pass on our values to our children, but when they feel pressured by those values, when we say this is what you must believe or this is how you must behave, they are more likely to say, “Oh no it’s not. Watch, I’ll show you!” We of course want to teach our children what we believe, but we are more influential when we open our perspectives and teach that we all have a personal set of beliefs and perspectives that we develop. When we give children permission to develop their own, they are more likely to follow in our footsteps because what we are presenting has a wide and inclusive focus. It's important to remain conscious of how small our lives really are—and how trite our own problems. When our buttons get pushed, we get stuck in the problem with our perception of how terrible it is and our ideas of the only way out—if we even see a way out—like a box crashing down over our head and all that's visible are the insides of that box. Remember, in another culture, your problem might not be a problem at all! All this is not to diminish the difficulty of handling problems as they arise. It is to say that it is important to gain some distance. Lift your gaze. Try to see your life from a birds-eye-view. Look at your catastrophizing and realize that your fears are making the problem worse. Step back, let go, and breathe. The world isn't going to end if you don't have the answer. When you step back, your focus will broaden and more options will come into view. Begin by looking at the situation from your child's point of view. 3. Questions from readers: Q. I have a question about my 5, almost 6, year old boy. He is the second child of 4 and follows a very academic, handsome older brother. We do everything we can to acknowledge him for the wonderful, energetic, affectionate, loving boy he is. We never compare him to any of his siblings. For about 18 months or possibly more, he has had frequent, violent bouts of anger and tantrums. He has also come out in eczema which he has never had before. His teacher says he is fine and doing well (he is one of the younger children in the class), he seems to have friends - although none whom he is especially close to - there doesn't appear to be any bullying or taunting at the school. He goes in happily and comes out pleased to see me. My husband and I are constantly trying to put into words for him what he might be feeling and also ask him questions about school and his friends. We say things like, "For you to be so angry it seems to me like something might have upset you at school, maybe your teacher told you off.. maybe you felt left-out at playtime...maybe you miss Mummy." He gives nothing away, neither agreeing or disagreeing with our conjectures nor telling us anything about what goes on. I do feel that his intense anger and eczema must be a sign that something isn't right for him but I just don't know how to help. A. This kind of anger is hard to understand when he doesn't want—or isn't able—to talk about it. He is just not the verbally expressive type. Some children love to talk and others process everything internally. No matter how much you support him, he may still feel inferior to his brother. You may want to acknowledge that it might be hard to be in his brother's shadow. Do you have a story of a sibling or friend who seemed to have life easier? And it may have nothing to do with that at all. He may just need get his anger out. Perhaps stop the verbal empathizing (if he is an introvert he will be bugged by a parent who wants him to express his feelings) and simply accept his tantrums in an atmosphere of empathy and love, also accepting for yourself that it's okay not to know what the anger is about. I would suggest to him that perhaps his eczema is one way his anger is emerging and perhaps he helps it along when he lets the anger out with some good old kicking and hitting. Get him a punching bag and boxing gloves, or art supplies, or a trampoline—whatever he is inclined to do. Maybe karate or a physical activity like that. When he appears angry, direct him to one of those activities and encourage him to get it out physically without talking. Perhaps it's simply a matter of time before he finds what interests him. At least he knows that his anger is heard, allowed and accepted. That is the most important. Q. Our 18 year old daughter has just finished her final year at high school. We seem to argue over anything and everything from her cleaning up the mess she just made in the kitchen, to her bedroom and the way in which she speaks to me. She has always been daddy's little Princess and in his eyes, she does no wrong and that causes friction between us...it always feels like I am the odd one out. She now says she is 18 and does not have to ask permission to go out and can please herself. She has changed in this last year and when her friends come here they all leave my place a mess. I told her that is disrespecting me but she just tells me I am paranoid and walks off. A. It sounds like what I went through with my daughter the summer before college (Buttons book p. 265-266). They feel completely ready to be on their own but they still have to be home and under parents' jurisdiction. Your daughter is feeling frustrated, and the more she is reminded that she is not completely independent the more frustrated and angry she will feel. This does not mean she should not be expected to clean up after herself. But if you shift your expectation of her behavior (from expecting cooperation, to expecting frustration due to her lack of independence), then your responses to her will be more empathic. Work on changing your tone when you ask her to do something. Speak to her respectfully like an adult (even though you don't get it back), not a child and add lightness and humor if possible, "I know you'd rather stick needles in your eyes, but I would really appreciate it if you would pick up your things and put them in your room." When you find a window of opportunity, have a talk with her about how frustrating it must be for her when she is busting at the seams to get out of the house, that you remember feeling that way, and how hard it must be to still be told what to do. When you are more understanding of what she is going through, and she comes to trust it and not suspect you have an ulterior motive, then she will be more cooperative. She will likely still grumble and moan and roll her eyes. Don't take it personally!!! Remember not to expect cheerful cooperation and be careful not to push her with your anger because this is a time when the parent-child relationship is fragile and nothing is worth losing your connection with her just before she leaves home. She still should be expected to help around the house but your attitude could change how she responds. Also talk to your husband and make some agreements on how to handle the situation so your frustration with him doesn't get taken out on your daughter. Q. My question pertains to the difficulty of dealing with one's spouse: My husband read your book, and agrees with your messages wholeheartedly, but still has frequent and prolonged "unmindful" periods. When his buttons get pushed—and it doesn't take much—he snarls at our seven-year-old son with a hateful and hurtful voice, using threats and offensive criticism. I feel I have to say something—I just can't let it play out, so I usually intervene (for our son's sake), trying to neutrally identify what the father is doing—reminding him that he is acting in exactly the same disrespectful way that we want our son not to act. I try to speak as non-judgmentally as possible but my husband gets mad at me too, storming away cursing about being criticized—and threatens to leave us. This pattern has happened over and over for years. My concern is the effect of this on our son. He is clearly hurt at these moments and clearly seeks a connection with his father. When the dust settles, our son (on his own) courageously apologizes (something his father is profoundly incapable of doing). A. I think this is more a temperament issue than the seeds of a self-fulfilling prophesy. It sounds like he is a "glass-half-empty" person and that, I believe, is inborn. We can certainly become aware of our negative tendencies and learn ways to adjust our assumptions to be more positive. There is a book by Martin Seligman called The Optimistic Child that actually helps parents work with children in the way that my book works with parents. But he would really need to be willing to work on his outlook and not have it be your agenda. I would respond to "it always turns out bad for me" with empathy, "That must feel really crummy to think things always turn out badly. Sometimes I get into thinking that way too. I try to be more conscious of my perception." Maybe add something like, "How do you think you would feel if things always turned out well? How would you know? What would be different? Do you think you have to change anything about yourself for things to turn out better? If so, what? If not, then sometimes we need to just hang in with the disappointment until it passes." Not all this at once of course. You don't want him to feel interrogated. If you try to get him to feel differently when he's feeling down, he will only feel guilty. When we feel down, we resist being told to think differently. Sometimes it's useful to feel down. Wait until he is in a good mood and say, remember when you were saying, then pose some questions. He will be in a more disengaged frame of mind to see himself differently. Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories 1. A good example of different perceptions/assumptions of the same event: Just the other day Felix was at the front of the house angrily kicking the plastic trash bin and my neighbor exclaimed, "Felix, what an earth are you doing?" (ie assumption - you violent, destructive little boy...) I just said, "Oh, he is taking out his aggression on the bin, much better than on a person isn't it?" 2. My kids were fighting over our year old, 40 lb. dog. Jacqui 6 deliberately lured the dog with food (she was never allowed to hold him when he was a puppy as he was a biter) away from Katie 10 while she was in the middle of doing some training. They got cross with each other and it escalated until Katie hurt Jacqui and Jacqui started screaming. NORMALLY this would be enough for me to blow my top but I didn't. Instead I told them they had to come in and talk about it. That didn't work either so finally I abandoned the dinner I was preparing and tried to help them talk about what they were feeling instead of just continuing to attack each other. Part way through I realized what it was all about. Katie, because she is bigger and older, has always gotten to do more with the dog than Jacqui. She can pick him up and cuddle him on her lap, she takes him out each morning, she is the one that gets to do most of the training with him. And Jacqui lured the dog away from Katie while she was training him because she was jealous! It all suddenly made sense. I asked her, "Are you jealous that Katie gets to do more with the dog than you do?" and she said yes. So we all knew at the same time, and I could just see the lightbulb go off in Katie's head and her whole body, voice, everything changed. All her annoyance suddenly turned to sympathy. Jacqui got out something that had been bothering her for a while and Katie suddenly saw the situation completely differently. The even more amazing thing was that afterwards they made some reference to how it was such a good way to sort out a problem. The girls disappeared and shut themselves in Jacqui's room and reappeared later (when I finally got the dinner on the table) talking about something completely different. We were all late to bed but what the heck it was worth it. Please send your stories. No matter how small your successes, they are so important to hear and to give encouragement. 5. News Welcome to all our new subscribers from Australia and England. I had a wonderfully productive trip and am gratified to know that this message is getting wider spread. The Second Buttons Certification Training for Professionals is scheduled for August 11-14 at the Core Parenting offices in Peterborough, NH. For more information or to register, please go to www/bonnieharris.com/certification.html or call 603-924-6639 And don't forget that CD sets of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (read by me) are now available by contacting kristin@bonnieharris.com or by sending $29.95 plus $2.30 postage to Bonnie Harris Core Parenting 152 Windy Row Peterborough, NH 03458. There are 6 CDs with a 7th bonus disk that includes printable pdf files of the exercises from the book. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. 5. News We are conducting a professional certification training for the Buttons course at my office in New Hampshire Aug. 11-14. There are still a few places open; NASW CEUs are available. Please contact kristin@bonnieharris.com if you would like to know more. A 6-CD set of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (read by me) are available by contacting kristin@bonnieharris.com or by sending $29.95 plus $2.30 postage to Bonnie Harris Core Parenting 152 Windy Row Peterborough, NH 03458. Includes a 7th bonus disk with printable pdf files of the exercises from the book. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com