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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 15 - It’s Up To Us Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. See below for ways to order. Thank you. Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story.> 2. Discussion of key points – It’s Up To Us Way too often I hear parents complain, “Why do I have to do it all? It’s about time they realize that I’m not their servant. They have to show me better behavior before I give another inch.” We can’t expect that our children came into the world trained and ready to be considerate of others. Yes, children come in packages, each one different from another, each with a set of genetic materials that individually effect their perceptions. And yes, they have instincts to cue their environment to their basic needs. And I believe they already have the seeds of personal integrity which react with and to the cues they get from us. But we are the ones who give them their sense of self. We are the ones who present them daily with a mirror in which they watch themselves and decide who they are. Based on those decisions, they behave. We are responsible for that mirror. It is not realistic to expect them to figure out model behavior to please us. Behavior comes from one’s internal cues based on emotional states. If we are critical and judgmental—“When will you ever listen? Why can’t you ever do what I ask? Why did you do a stupid thing like that?”—we are providing a mirror that says to the child, “You’re not good enough.” When the child looks in that mirror, that is the message he takes in and, based on his temperament and the decisions he makes, either withdraws into self-deprecation or puts up a fight with the mirror. Hence defiant behavior. When we expect that behavior to change due to criticism or punishment, we are asking the child to ignore what he is getting from his mirror (us), acknowledge that we are wrong about him, and decide on his own that he is a worthy person regardless of what we say. Hard for an adult to do, much less an immature child. We need to understand that it is up to us to provide our children with mirrors that see the good and the strong if that is what we want to grow in them. In order to do that, we need to respond to inappropriate behavior with an understanding that that behavior is a reflection of the mirror we are providing. And then question the mirror. We are not responsible for their behavior, they are, but we are fully responsible for the mirror. This of course does not mean that we give positive feedback to inappropriate behavior. A no is very important, limits are very important, knowing what you are willing and not willing to do is very important. Giving in or giving to your child to avoid a tantrum or unhappiness sends the message that she is not capable of coping with difficult feelings or of delaying gratification. Also when you can’t say no or allow her unhappiness, it sends the message that you are not as important as she is. When you give that message over and over, is it any wonder that she will learn to walk all over you, expect your service, and be unappreciative? Saying no does not require criticism, put-downs, threats and humiliation. The reason we use those tactics is because they were used on us. And because we get our buttons pushed. To remain strong and neutral in the face of difficult behavior sends a crucial message about our own importance and authority. But authority can hold a positive mirror. It can say, “You have made a mistake that you can rectify because you are a capable and strong person.” The message of both self-worth and accountability can be strong as long as our buttons do not interfere with threats and blame. To defuse those buttons means to clean that mirror and make sure it is sending the messages we want it to send. It’s up to us, not them, to do that. 3. Questions from readers: Q. My 12 year old son's fear of sleeping has grown to the point where he won't sleep in a room alone. He has an overwhelming fear that someone will steal him or is watching or something will get him. He has seen scary movies in the past but not for months. He says he knows there is nothing there and no one is actually in the house but his fear is consuming him. The rest of the day is fine and he is occasionally in the house by himself. We have tried explaining, reading before bedtime (which works the best), and trying to get him to think about something fun but I can't convince him to sleep in his room, which is on the first floor. A. The fears of a 12 year-old are based on reality rather than the monsters of the young child. These fears (probably from 7 or 8 on) are about people entering, stealing, doing bad things. The fantasy of the early years is replaced with the realistic due to advanced cognitive understanding. Everything plays a part: stories from other children (my son went through a tough period when a friend told him about the horror movie Freddy), movies, TV, news, as well as imagination. I'm wondering if he has always had night fears and they have just gotten worse or if it is all new for him. And if he sleeps on the first floor is that a different floor from the one you sleep on? I would try to make life as comfortable as possible for him but without angst from either of you. He needs understanding and validation about how debilitating fear can be yet confidence from you that he is perfectly safe. Ask him to get as specific as he can and brainstorm with him what would feel the most comfortable. If he wants to be in your room, you might say that for 2 months or 6 months that would be fine. Be sure you have a closure date. Then give him responsibility so you are not disrupted. There can be a mattress/sleeping bag on the floor that he can slip quietly into in the middle of the night. Also ask him if listening to a tape/CD player by his bed would help. He can turn it on and off as he chooses. One of you reading from a book as a recording might help. The act of him being proactive about this issue alone may help. Because of his age, he will feel much better if he is able to help himself rather than relying on you to make it okay for him. If these things do not help, ask him if he would like outside help and take him to a child therapist specializing in trauma/phobias/fears. Q. I am wondering how I could better handle tantrums and aggressive behavior in my 14 month old. I think we have too often picked her up immediately when she started to complain and now the minute I walk out of her site she starts to cry. If I'm not paying attention to her for even a short while, she gets upset. And she can be really rough when she is playing, grabbing at our noses, scratching and pulling hair. When I say "Ouch that hurts, touch nice" she just laughs and does it more. How can I handle this with such a young child? A. 14-16 months is classic separation anxiety time for many children. It sounds like you have a sensitive daughter who is experiencing the absolutely normal fear of loosing you. If you are out of her sight, you could be gone. Cognitively she doesn't yet understand that you exist normally in another room when she can't see you. Play a lot of peek-a-boo and hide and seek games with her so she gets practice at watching you disappear and reappear – so many that it will drive you nuts! Read Runaway Bunny, by Margaret Wise Brown. She is not having tantrums. They will come later. She is crying out of fear or because she knows her cries will get you to return. When you do return to her cries, she learns that she has had a positive effect – this is a good thing. She is probably not scratching you to hurt, but she may have learned that being rough gets your attention. When she laughs she sees that she has made something happen – also a good thing - for her, not you! Continue to tell her "No, that hurts" very firmly. If she continues, put her down and say, "are you ready to touch softly?" Then pick her up again. Continue this procedure. You may have to do it for awhile. She will learn and she will outgrow her fear of separation. It will change and saying goodbye may be hard for her for a long time. But do practice it so she learns she can cope. And never leave her without letting her know you are going even if it means tears. She will cope, but her distrust of whether you will be there or not may have long-time repercussions. Q. My 9 yr. old son always argues with me when I tell him he needs to take a shower. Today we had our typical exchange. I noticed that he didn't smell good and said something like, "Oh, it seems like you might need a shower, go take a quick one before we go out." He argues, "Why?" and I say he smells bad. He yells that he doesn't and that I can't smell right and I yell back that he stinks and then threaten him with whatever I can think of including things I would never do like leave him alone when we go away for the weekend. In calm moments, I explain that he is getting older and will sometimes smell especially after exercise and he will need to keep himself clean and that it happens to everyone. I use humor and say the person next to him at school will faint if he doesn't take a shower. He usually laughs. He seems to see this as a huge attack on him personally and that I am infringing on his rights to stink. I just want him to take care of himself and not argue like it's the end of the world. A. I would say that he sees this as a huge attack because it is! This is a case of choosing your battles, and I would argue that this is not a worthy one to choose. That is not to ignore your concern for your son’s personal hygiene. Many parents share your concern with children who just do not seem to care. If you have good personal hygiene, your modeling will teach far more in the long run than personal attacks on his smell and empty threats. How more personal can you get than criticizing someone’s smell! it's hard to believe that he really smells that badly at 9. When it becomes important to him several years from now, he will shower. But he will resist you and argue as long as you make a big deal of it, let it push your button, and react critically. Pay attention to how you feel when you are able to respond with humor. It is not pushing your button then. Sit down with him and come up with a shower schedule. If he suggests something ridiculous like once a month, make a joke about having to move out. The schedule needs to be okay with both of you, but you will probably need to meet him more than half-way. The more it is his call, the better the chance of him following it. Then write it down and post it. When the time comes all you will need to do is walk him to the schedule and point – and then give him a kiss! Follow-up with humorous reminders if he puts it off. Do not expect that he will do it without an argument. If it is really important for him to be clean for a certain occasion, tell him ahead of time. Then say, "After you’ve showered, we can go," rather than, "Go take a shower." Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories This from a woman in London after taking the Buttons workshop: One of the things it really helped me with is accepting and understanding that my 5 year old, Felix, has his own special temperament. A few days after the workshop, we took our 4 kids to France to stay with another family who have 3 kids the same ages. It was really difficult for Felix. He was excluded by his older brother and their two boys and reacted with aggression and rages. I was so much calmer and more understanding of him than I had been before. The other couple was pretty judgmental of how I handled him and even said, "maybe you’re just too calm with him so he doesn't know what reaction his behaviour causes." What was great was that I knew that even if it risks our relationship, I will stand by what I know is best for my son. It was very liberating. During one rage as I was restraining him on my lap and keeping him from hurting me, I said, "Felix, you are the captain of a pirate ship and we are in really stormy waters right now. it's hard and the sea is pretty wild. As you are in charge, when you are ready, you can choose to see if you can sail us to calmer waters." He didn't change much at first, but I continued and he did calm down. In our busy lives it is so easy to let things slide back to the "old" ways and your newsletter is a great reminder. The blame article is really good. During a phone session with you when my older child was hurting the younger, you thought the behavior came from a deep-rooted jealousy. I tried things differently and the first time, my younger one and I made that magic connection. I talked with my older about jealousy as well. I have not seen any of that behavior for a long time. I probably only had 2 or 3 incidents after I spoke to you. It can be as simple as having your child know that you understand. It really, really makes a difference. Wow. I read your book a few weeks ago. I got it from our library in Hebrew. I really liked it, especially the part about our children not being responsible for our feelings. It is something I have long felt instinctively but hadn’t seen anywhere in quite such a strong way. I've read a lot of positive parenting books, but this one stands out, and I plan to buy it so I can keep referring to it. I also like the emphasis on recognizing that our children have different agendas from ours and the emphasis on achieving the bit of detachment necessary. My 5.5 yo pushes my buttons the most. My 8 yo just had a birthday and one of our traditions is to have each member of the family write down or dictate 3 things they like about the birthday person. Then we read them aloud while eating birthday cake. My 5.5 yo refused this year. I felt REALLY upset and worried about the tradition falling apart and that the 8 yo wouldn’t want to do his list for the 5.5 yo at his birthday. I didn't know what to do but I did recognize that my button was getting pushed. I got the book out and went to the part about the steps to follow when our buttons get pushed. I only got to step 2 or 3 before the kids came in but it was just enough. I was able to calmly ask my 10 yo if she knew why 5.5 yo wouldn’t make his list. She answered simply, "it's hard at that age" and added, "5.5 doesn't really like 8." Also she said at that age you don't really feel appreciative you just take everything for granted. That restored my perspective. She and I offered to help 5.5 and he agreed. He rejected about 90% but eventually he genuinely agreed to 3 things. We were able to continue the tradition and the day never deteriorated into yelling and hard feelings. Amazing. Another time, my 10 year old and I had this conversation: Her: You've been nicer to us kids lately. Me: What do you mean? Her: You've been yelling less during the last month. Me: I'm glad. Do you think it's since I read that book? Her: Yes. (grinning) Me: Me too. (smiling) (note: translated from Hebrew, the book title is When Your Children Get On Your Nerves!) 5. News My life this summer is taken up with my son’s marriage the end of this month!! What a milestone—for him and me. And my daughter is graduating from college and about to return from her senior year at The University of Munich, Germany. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com