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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 5 - Creating Effective Boundaries Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers' questions and give stories of how these new ideas are effecting their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I'm assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods—about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). Thank you. In order for this newsletter to be successful, I need your questions and stories.  Your interaction is imperative to making this newsletter interesting and rich. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any newsletter that may be unclear to you or that you are having a hard time applying. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section or both. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! 2. Discussion of key points - Creating Effective Boundaries (Chapter 7 and 20) Visually, I like to think of an effective boundary as a transparent veil or filter that is always between me and another person. It does not keep me apart or distant from others, but it protects my personal space and the personal space of another, including my child. It helps me know what is my responsibility, my problem, my agenda, my baggage, and what is another's. It gives me an understanding that I am not responsible for anyone else's thoughts, feelings or deeds and no one else is responsible for mine, especially my children. I am, however, fully responsible for everything I say, feel and do. I cannot lay blame on anyone else for the responsibility that is rightfully mine. If an inconsiderate driver cuts me off from my place in line, I cannot hold him responsible for the anger I feel. It is my choice whether I get angry and yell at him or I pull back and remain calm. When my children are yelling or bickering in the car, and I get upset and yell at them to stop, my frustration and resentment is mine. They have not caused it. Hard as it is to get this, it is critical to how I choose to respond to them. If I can take full responsibility for the upset I feel and not blame it on them, I am in a much better position to stop the car and address their behavior that is their responsibility. But if I take responsibility for their behavior, I will most likely lay blame, try to control them, and get into a power struggle. They will either stop momentarily (it's back tomorrow) or resist and fight harder. When kids push our buttons, this boundary "veil" disappears—at least momentarily. When we say things like, "You make me so mad," or "Why do I always have to yell at you to get you to listen?" we are saying, you are responsible for my feelings and my behavior. Our anger and our yelling is our choice. When we blame our children for what is our responsibility, we alienate and build resistance in our them. When we take responsibility for our children, we need to make them be the way we want so they will make us look good. This kind of parenting is exhausting. We all know the guy who blames everyone else for his problems—from his wife to his neighbor's dog to the government. We know the entitled, who feel deserving of power and prestige at the expense of others. And we know the overprotective parent who controls everything her children do and fixes their problems so they will never be an embarrassment to her. This mother will pay more attention to what a complete stranger may think of her when her child is behaving inappropriately in public than to what her child actually needs. These are all examples of poor boundaries. When we grow up feeling responsible for our parents' feelings and behavior (the messages we got when they blamed us for their anger), it's all too easy to pass it on. We can see the results so clearly in other adults, even in teenagers, but what we seem blind to is the fact that we, the adults, are creating the problem by demanding that our children do our bidding and behave the way we want. When we train our children to take care of our needs and wants ("Stop that! You're giving me a headache. Can't you see that I'm tired? Get that thing out of here. Where do you think you are, anyway?") without respecting theirs to the same degree, or we deny our needs and wants ("Okay, I'll go get your homework this time.") by giving their needs and wants more value than our own, we are out of balance and are not teaching our children to take responsibility for themselves. Having a healthy boundary means that I will respect you to grow and change in ways that are right for you, not for me, and that I require you to respect me in the same way. I do not have the right to control anyone nor does anyone have the right to control me. I respect your opinion even though I may not agree with you and expect you to respect mine, even though you may not agree with me. Between parent and child, this is so important and so rare. It means that if I need to set a limit on my child's behavior, I have a right to do so, and my child has a right to be angry about it even to the point of a tantrum or refusing to speak to me—that is the behavior she is responsible for. If I feel responsible for my child's feelings and behavior, I may not set the limit for fear of the tantrum and thereby send my child the wrong message—I'm mad and I want you to stop, but if you are too upset, I won't make you. If I have a good boundary, I can respect my child's anger, allow it, and set the limit anyway. When our buttons are pushed, and we take our child's behavior personally (Child, "I hate you, you're so stupid."  Parent, "How dare you say that to me! You get to your room and think about what you just said.") the behavior has broken through the boundary shield and penetrated. It hits that sore spot and objectivity and neutrality are effectively undermined. The anger behind the words is ignored and so the motivation for the behavior is left to fester and provoke further button-pushing behavior. If I grew up feeling insecure because of name-calling by siblings or schoolmates, if I perceived that my parents thought I was insignificant or stupid, and then my child calls me a stupid to gain power—bingo—that button goes off. But if I don't take the words personally, they will bounce off my shield, and I can address the underlining problem. When my boundaries are good my child learns: I am just as important as anyone else—and everyone else is just as important as me. I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I am not responsible for other people's thoughts, feelings, and actions. I do not have the right to control anyone else, nor do they have the right to control me. I respect other's rights and needs as I require others to respect mine. 3. Questions from readers: Q. How do I get my 4 year old to defuse her own buttons? When she and a friend are struggling in a conflict over something, if my daughter's buttons get pushed far enough, she'll scream at her friend so loud her voice reverberates through the house. Her friend will break down into tears. I try not to assign blame, I go through the whole acknowledgement of feelings/problem-solving thing as they're struggling, but it doesn't seem to work once she is pushed over the edge. Her angry reaction can be quite scary. I end up feeling a combination of embarrassment and sympathy. It's really difficult not to blame her, no matter what the problem was that started the conflict. I have seen her make compromises with the other child to avoid such conflicts so I know that she is able to problem solve these situations on some level. But when her buttons get pushed, I don't want her to go around scaring/intimidating the other children with the sheer force of her anger. A. You have a child with an intense temperament. But then you probably knew that! These children can be very loud and as you say, intimidating, not only to other children, but to the parents as well. The fact that you say she can compromise with children to avoid conflict says that your problem-solving with her is paying off. Stick with it. She is learning the skills but she uses them only when she is able—feeling calm and in control of herself. Normal and age-appropriate for a 4 year old. The best way to handle your embarrassment is for you to talk it over with the other mom, anticipating a screaming occurrence. Discuss with her what the plan will be when your daughter screams and her daughter cries. For instance you might pick your daughter up when that happens and take her to another room or outside. Let her know you will stay with her until she calms down. Then talk to her about what was upsetting her and let her get that out with you. Ask her if she would like to go back and give it another shot or go home (or ask the others to leave if that is what has been set up with the other mother). You will not be stopping her upset but you will be letting her know that it is not okay for her to upset others. This is modeling good boundaries without controlling her to change. It sounds like it only time before she will learn to control her outbursts. She may need the experience of losing a friend or two in the process as a natural consequence. Q. I'm learning about contracting and setting consequences ahead of time. What do you think about me setting up a contract with my 15 year old son about drinking alcohol underage? A. I think contracts are a great idea as long as your son is an active part in writing it. Too many contracts I've seen focus on the parent's agenda while the child is controlled by the terms of the contract. In this way, the contract is not much different from punishment. So, tell your son that you want to establish an understanding (a better word for him than contract) with him about drinking if the situation should ever arise. State your concerns and fears and let him address them from his point of view. Then say that you would like to have a formal agreement between the two (or three) of you so that everything is clear. Include comments initiated by him. If you don't agree with it, say so and keep negotiating until it is okay with both of you. Be sure and include that if he finds himself in a situation he did not anticipate that he can call you at any time and you will come and get him, no questions asked. Q. My son Sam has a lot of anxiety around separating from me. His little brother Ben was born when Sam was 2 and at that time he was quite used to spending time with my mother, or going to the beach for the day with his dad while I stayed at home with Ben. A lot of this began when we switched Sam from his crib to a bed a few months before Ben would take the crib. Some nights it took two hours to get Sam to bed, but it was always me. When I stopped using the Ferber method, I would lie down with him until he fell asleep and let him come into bed with us when he awoke in the middle of the night. We were locked into the routine of my putting him to bed, and he would flip out if I didn't. Now no one else can put him to bed, or take him to school etc. I have to admit that I have always had a lot of anxiety about being away from him. I have never made over the top dramatic goodbyes or refused to leave him, but if I'm being honest, I feel the most relaxed when I am with my kids and know what and how they are doing. His anxiety is at its height when he is thinking about my leaving and especially when I actually leave. He paces, chews his tongue, launches a "sit-in" in the car. As soon as that moment is gone, he is fine and has a wonderful time. A. I think you hit it when you said that you've always had anxiety about being away from him. This is common to so many parents. It's the "mother bear" instinct. It's natural. And it gets more intense when we have children who are anxious about being away from us. The temperament of the child mixed with the temperament of the parent can lead to a tangible anxiety that the child picks up on. It's a vicious cycle. This also comes down to an issue of trust. How much or how little do you trust the environment, the people who care for him, his ability to cope? Hard as it is, it is important to pass on to our children our confidence and trust in wherever we leave them and whoever we leave them with. Even when Sam is upset, your confidence lets him know that the most important person in his life knows that he will be fine. If you feel uncomfortable leaving him, then he may feel that he's not okay. I also hear that he may have a little too much power. You say you are "locked in" to putting him to bed and "no one else" can do it. What you mean is that you are not willing for him to be upset when it is his father's turn. He has been given the power to decide who will do it. This signifies a poor boundary. Believe me, I understand how difficult this is. I went through it myself. You need to trust that eventually he will be fine even though he gets upset. He has a right to be angry. But he doesn't have a right to shut his father out and demand only you. He needs to learn that he will be fine with others who take care of him. It is a matter of time and patience and your willingness to allow him to learn to cope—a gentle balance of all three. Q. My daughter Flora is 11 years old and has some real struggles with her memory—it frustrates the entire family. I will ask her to do something simple like emptying her lunch box. She will reply "yes" and it never gets done. I ask her to clean up a mess she left in the middle of the living room and later go in to find that only a third of the items have been picked up. I've tried having her repeat back the requests to me and using a white board so she can see the request visually. It doesn't always work, and it gets exhausting doing all of these extra steps. I start to feel like a nag at times. I know this is a problem for her and I worry about her in the middle school next year...any suggestions? A. My first thought is that this is normal pre-adolescent "forgetfulness" due to her mind's occupation with so much other than what you want her to do! I'm wondering if this has been a problem all along. If so she could have a very distractible temperament, which needs exactly the kind of attention you are giving to it. Exhausting though it is, the exhaustion comes more from. If it is long term and nothing you seem to do helps, she may have a form of ADD without the hyperactivity. But I'm going with my first inclination. This is only a preview of what is to come in full-blown adolescence! See if you can find out what occupies her mind. Ask her some very neutral questions about her school life, friends, the kind of music she likes, what, if anything, are her biggest concerns, etc. If you can encourage her to talk about her life, you can get a window in. Is she as distracted when she is doing something she really wants to do? The requests you described are totally pointless to an 11 year old! How you are handling it seems fine to me as long as there is not an "attitude" that goes along with it—a button that gets pushed! Sometimes try gently and neutrally taking her hand and leading her to the mess or the lunchbox and tell her that this has not been done yet, and you would like her to take care of it right now. Let her know that you understand it's the last thing in the world she wants to do but that you need her help. Sometimes offer a motivation and see if it helps. "As soon as you clean up the rest of the things in the living room, then we can ...(whatever you know she would like to do). Yes, it is exhausting and frustrating, but if it is not an ADD symptom, your persistence, help and motivation will help her in the long run. Please let me know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. 4. Stories: This from a mother of a grown child and preschool director: I used to love cleaning up with kids—first, with my own.  I would put a stool in the middle of his room and wield a broom to sweep everything into a pile:  then we'd start the sorting process, like you described. There were several crates arranged around in a circle, marked with their intended contents ("cars," "people," etc.)  These crates could then be put on shelves. I always felt that the most important thing was not abandoning my son to this daunting job all by himself.  I've taught this method to teachers and to parents, and it seems to work well, with a number of variations.  One of the keys is an organizing system for items, not just a jumble in a "toybox." 5. News The paperback of Buttons is out! Tell all your friends. I'll be doing a workshop at the Parents and Teachers of Explosive Kids conference with Ross Greene (author of The Explosive Child) on July 17th in Boston. Also a kickoff event for Discovery Toys on Sept 11 in Worcester, MA. Check my website for details. I am doing a training for trainers of The Effective Parenting Workshop for parents of 1 -5 year olds on Cape Cod this month. This is a curriculum that I wrote and have been teaching for many years. We have refurbished the manual, which includes facilitator curriculum as well as many handouts for parents. It is now ready for trainings for anyone interested in teaching a comprehensive 8 or 10 week program for parents of 1 - 5 year olds. Email me if you're interested in learning more about the training. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com