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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 35 - Interpreting Your Child's Behavior
Greetings!
"If we can get past our own adult fears of losing control, of feeling incompetent, of worrying that our choices will backfire down the road, we can see our children's behavior as separate from us, and be able to be proactive instead of reactive."
— From Letting the Baby Drive, by Lu Hanessian
Being able to detach enough to remain calm and relatively neutral in the face of our children's behavior requires not taking their behavior so personally. When we can stop ourselves from instantly reacting, we can put our fears in proper perspective.
Discussion of Key Points: Interpreting Your Child's Behavior
When we take our child's behavior personally, it means we are taking some amount of responsibility for it. The greater that responsibility, the greater the fear of wrong doing, and the more we attempt to control the behavior. The more control, the more resistance from our children. And the cycle spins. Why haven't I taught my child to behave better? We get so hung up by our fears of the future, especially if the behavior is reoccurring, that we seldom stop to look at what is needed right now—what is this behavior trying to tell me about my child? Inappropriate behavior always has roots into a problem of some kind. We don't always have to know what it is, we just need the awareness that something emotional is causing it—jealousy, powerlessness, resentment, guilt, etc. We need to focus on the fact that the behavior that we see on the surface is a signal, a clue to what the real problem is, not the problem itself.
Interpreting your child's behavior means understanding childology. If your child is screaming I hate you, it helps you to remain calm and not take the words literally or personally but understand your child is trying to tell you something—I don't like the way you did that/spoke to me; It makes me mad when you ignore me/expect me to do something right away; I'm really mad at you for turning the television off. Reflecting back to your child your interpretation lets your child know you heard. Wait until there is an understanding between you, before you say, "Can you please say what you're angry about so you don't need to say you hate me. I don't like hearing that and I know you don't mean it."
When children think they are not being heard (when they're sent to their room instead of being given a chance to say what they mean, they have no option but to get louder and more dramatic with their words, hoping that will finally be heard. If a child hits another child, it could mean, I'm mad at you; I want that toy; I want you to play with me; I need to retaliate. When she is sent away and it is not further addressed, all she learns is, I'm bad; I'm wrong; It's not fair; Nobody understands. It teaches nothing positive. The roots will continue growing, and you will have more behavior to handle.
As soon as your anger is under control, address the emotion, the root. "You seem so angry at your sister. Something must have happened to make you angry enough to hit her." When you address her emotion, she is more likely to feel heard and can tell you what caused her anger. Then, "I know you know it's not okay to hit, so what could you do differently to get what you wanted from her?" No blame is necessary, connection is possible, and a great deal more learning takes place. Whenever inappropriate behavior occurs, stop and ask yourself, What is this behavior trying to say? How can I speak to the roots? And don't take it personally.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question, and I answer it right away. Then it goes in a newsletter at a later date. But you get your answer much sooner than its appearance in the newsletter.
Q. My 6 year-old daughter wants to listen to hip-hop music. She easily memorizes lyrics, many of which are about sex and women's bodies. She originally heard hip hop in the car with her older cousins, and then I made the mistake of letting her listen to more, some of which I myself enjoy. Once I thought about the sexual content, I became uncomfortable with her listening to it. She also hears it at her after-school program where the teenage counselors listen to the radio. I'm not sure where to draw the line — let her listen to some that is less offensive? Ask the after-school director to have the counselors listen to less provocative music? At this point, she knows it gets a rise out of me. I keep swinging between prohibiting it altogether, letting her listen to it until something really objectionable comes on, or letting her listen to the ones she already knows and really likes, even if they have some objectionable lyrics. I need help!
A. Your 6 yr. old still needs parameters around what she is exposed to. It is absolutely not okay for teenagers to be playing inappropriate music in an after school program. Definitely speak to the director as well as her cousins. But since she is already exposed, I would make this a teaching opportunity. Let her know that you love her interest in music and want to support it, but there is some music that you do not think is appropriate because.... Then have a heart-to-heart about some lyrics that belittle certain people, including women and that you highly disapprove of that. Since she knows it gets a rise out of you, simply telling her she can't listen to it won't cut it. Forbidding anything always backfires. To be respectful of her, be open and honest. She will respond when you are not punitive. Listen carefully with her to the lyrics she has already heard and tell her what is offensive and why. She won't have heard it the same way you do, so you will need to be prepared to explain. You may even get into a history lesson about women's rights and have a budding activist on your hands! As she sees pictures of women on magazine covers, in ads, etc. you can point out how women are "used" to get attention. You have a golden opportunity here, which you can use for years. Then let her know it's your job as her mother to be in charge of what she is exposed to. When you are honest with her, she will be influenced by your values. Find music you both like. Talk about lyrics and what they mean. This can be the start of good bonding around music for both of you. Check out the Teaching Tolerance website www.tolerance.org and scroll to The ABCs of Hip Hop.
Q. My son is 3 1/2 and very strong willed. He is very sweet at times and has a great sense of humor. Communication has been difficult as his speech is delayed and unfortunately we get into a lot of power struggles. When he hits or kicks me or throws something across the room in anger, I have been putting him in time out. So far, I've picked him up and put him on the couch or in his bedroom. However, the sheer size of him is becoming a problem. He's almost 40 lbs. and I'm not much more than 100 with back problems, so picking him up is an issue. What can I do, without picking him up, that can be an effective punishment when he acts out? His size also makes trips to the grocery store, park, etc. an issue if we have to leave because of a fit or other forms of acting out. Please give me some ideas!
A. Yet another example of why time out does not work! When physical coercion is necessary, the child will be able to resist when big enough. Time to stop it now. See if you can "interpret" his behavior and address the root. He is hitting because he is angry; something is not fair to him. Strong willed children do not like to be strong-armed in any way. When he hits you, hold his arms or hands and say very firmly, "I will not allow anyone to hit me, and I hope you will never allow anyone to hit you. You are very mad at me because...." Make a guess or say, "Tell me what you are mad about so you don't have to hit me." Learn about his temperament (Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka) and what sets him off and then hold the perception that he is having a problem, not being a problem. Empathizing with his feelings no matter how strong they never requires physical force. It's only with understanding that you will have a positive effect on his behavior. And remember a 3 yr. old is extremely impulsive. This will get better as he learns other ways of solving problems. When you are in public, leave your grocery cart and take him calmly outside to another part of the park. Hold his hand if you can't pick him up. Change the environment, acknowledge his upset or anger. A public tantrum often indicates over stimulation or simply not getting what he wants. Wait until he calms down. Then ask him if he is ready to go back or go home.
Stories from Readers
My 18 yr. old daughter went to a friend's with her boyfriend. Our agreement is that she will call and check in, or at least keep her phone on, if I want to check in with her, when she goes out. She left at 7pm and at 10, I still hadn't heard from her. I tried to reach her 3 times between 10-10:30 and was getting worried when she wasn't answering. When she finally called, I was a bit frantic. She didn't sound right to me, and I asked if she was alright. Finally she told me that her boyfriend and she were having a difficult night. I sympathized, yet was silently not convinced that that was true. We agreed on midnight for her to be home. At 11:30, she called to say she wasn't coming home! I have never received THAT call from her. She finally admitted that she had been drinking and couldn't drive home. She wanted to go to her boyfriend's, and I insisted that she come home. Her boyfriend took the phone and said that he would bring her home. I made sure he had not been drinking, offered to come and get her, but he reassured me that he was fine. I was so grateful that he was responsible enough to help her get home safely. I hadn't faced that situation before. The next morning I purposely left the house before she got up to go to work. When she arrived home that night, she CAME TO ME to apologize and shared how embarrassed she was. We had a short discussion about my concern about alcohol poisoning, that she had lied to me, etc. I recalled how I reacted to her older brother and now how different my response was. I have come such a long way in my parenting! Now I have the tools to make such different choices.
News
Friday June 1, I will giving a workshop on Sowing the Seeds of Non-Violence: Parenting for a New Age at the Parents Helping Parents conference titled Stopping Violence: Safe Communication Begins at Home in Marlborough, MA. For more information contact Donna Silverman donna@sbedan.com.
I am working on my next book and would love your stories. If you have something that works around the following issues, and your child is between two and twelve, I would love your stories: getting out the door in the morning, mealtimes, chores, car time, homework, and bedtime.
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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