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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 23 - Keeping Your Cool
As you read this, I will be in flight (for days!) to Australia to present at the 2nd Annual International Parenting Conference in Adelaide. Although my body may be less than thrilled, it is an exciting opportunity to take this message of parenting to yet another country. You are all helping to spread the word and create wider and wider circles that will change how we raise our children. No matter how difficult the job, we must never lose sight of that—we are breaking deeply entrenched patterns by taking responsibility for ourselves and instead of blaming our children for our behavior.
Contents:
- Purpose
- Discussion of key points
- Questions and answers
- Stories
- News of upcoming events or announcements
1. Purpose
Thanks to all of you who responded to our survey. We learned that many of you prefer plain text and many the full HTML version — so we are sending it both ways in a brand new format. If you cannot receive HTML settings, the newsletter should default to text only.
Let us know how you like it and if you have received it the way you want it. For those who have not yet responded, we are compiling a database and would like address information for as many of you as possible, so just hit reply to this newsletter and send us your information.
This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us.
What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003).
Your questions and stories:
In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away!
Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story.
2. Discussion of key points – Keeping Your Cool
The first question below is from a mother experiencing frustration about keeping her cool. This really is the magic ingredient isn’t it? When we are able to stay calm, cool and collected, we can parent the way we want. It’s that flood of emotion that instantly takes over and sends us into that zone we hate. Every success story I hear includes being able to stay calm and not react. Once in awhile that flood is such an onslaught that seems impossible to stop it. But most of the time, there is a choice point, if only we can notice it. The choice is to explode or keep our mouths shut. In the story below, this mom struggled to keep her mouth shut. In that struggle, she was able to notice her discomfort. It’s not a pleasant place to be, but it’s better than reacting. Then she noticed her patience.
The struggle is the effort we put into not going with temptation, not taking the path of least resistance, not doing what comes naturally. It’s breaking a well-established habit and it takes time, practice and determination. Remember your reaction will be doing no one any good and could be doing damage. Let any guilt you feel over that be a kick in the butt, instead of an excuse to get down on yourself and sink into depression. Your thoughts of incompetency are assumptions that need reframing. Instead of, “I’m hopeless, I just can’t do this” (one mother in a group of mine said, “I never should have been given a uterus!”), go with, “This is really hard but at least I’m aware now of what I’m doing.”
Treat yourself well. Instead of beating yourself up, give yourself a break. Close your eyes and focus on your breathe for a few seconds. At your first opportunity, take a bath, sit down with a cup of tea, call a friend, go for a walk—whatever feeds you. As with your children, take your own inappropriate behavior as a cue to a deeper need. If you don’t care for that need, you will keep doing the same things. That’s why positive attention to negative behavior often works—it’s attending the need.
Keeping your cool means gaining patience, calm, and control in difficult situations. That requires having your needs satisfied, being in balance. You can't get there when you don't refuel yourself. Don't confuse your needs with getting your child to behave the way you want. That's asking your child to take care of your needs—something most of us are all too familiar with. Keeping your cool means being able to stay calm in the face of your child's distress and frustration. Stop thinking of taking care of yourself as self-indulgent (an assumption) and begin thinking of it as an essential part of keeping your cool. It's staff development for your job as a parent!
3. Questions from readers:
Q. My 5 year old daughter has had tantrums lately when we have been trying to leave friends. Nothing has changed in the way we handle leaving -- plenty of warnings, understanding that she doesn't want to leave. Last time she refused and we were at someone's house who clearly was ready for us to leave, and my daughter had her friend's pjs on and would not take them off. I gave her a number of chances and finally felt pressured to remove them from her (with her kicking and screaming and hitting.) It was awful. I carried her out to the car in her underwear! She cried the entire way home. And I felt like the worst parent ever. I wavered between fuming and sobbing, and in the end just felt depressed. When trying to persuade her to take the pjs off I said we wouldn't be able to return to her friends the next day if she wouldn't help me. At what point would you say it's OK to stop talking and empathizing and "take action." I feel like I talk and empathize too much and then just lose my cool, because I'm not getting my needs met. I understand the (poignant) idea that I am the adult and am responsible for keeping my cool and not blaming my kids for disrupting my life, but how do I keep my cool when these things are going on? Also, was it appropriate to take away a privilege that was happening the next day (going to her friends?)
A. So often we expect our children to "do it right" just because we are "doing it right." And when they don't, we lose our cool because of our assumptions and expectations of them. That's what leads to the depression. It sounds like you are respectful of her agenda and her feelings by giving warnings and second chances, etc. She gets that cumulatively and over time even if she doesn't show appreciation for it right then. You can give her a choice—"Do you want to take off the pjs or shall I?" When you are confident in yourself and clear with your limits, (hard to do when another parent is impatiently looking over your shoulder), you can stay cool. If she continues to resist, that is the time to stop talking and take action. Her anger is her problem not yours. She's only 5 and is still very much wanting what she wants when she wants it. That's okay, but you need to take charge and let her know you will help her when she can't help herself. She can still feel upset and angry. She has a right! No need to take a privilege away. The next day before you go, talk to her about how difficult the situation was with the pj's. Maybe now she can talk about it. Ask, "What can we do differently today when I come for you?" Giving her the opportunity to problem solve and make different choices with a clear plan is far better learning than refusing to let her go. When we resist them, they learn to resist us?
Q. My daughter is 13 years old and can get quite emotional. I'm a reactor and will blow up in response to her blow ups. A vicious cycle. Last night she came home after a week at science camp. She had a great time, initially was glad to be home. When she was headed to bed, she asked me to get her pajama's out of the living room. I did, she became upset, they were the wrong ones, and I told her to go herself an pick out the ones she wanted. She became angry, blew up, said "I really didn't want to come home, this is why, I hate you, I told my friends I didn't want to come home, I hate you...I hate you, I wish Dad lived here, it was better then...." (My bad response - "Well go live with him then") and then her "I hate him too." This is one of the ways that I get really triggered, I feel hurt and angry. (Luckily I didn't tell her I actually enjoyed my week all alone). When I think about a minimum of 5 more years of this I wonder if we'll both survive. Advice?
A. Of course you feel hurt and angry when she says something cruel. Your feelings are normal. It's what you do with them that you have a choice over. You're getting into dicey times now, so make a plan for yourself. Whenever she aims hurtful words at you, stop interacting. Let her know that you will not respond. When you have regained your cool, ask her to tell you again what she wanted to tell you—this could be seconds or minutes. It will come out a little better when she knows you are respecting yourself. It may still be full of anger but probably not quite as mean. Then acknowledge her anger. Take responsibility for how you might have said what you did that triggered her and say it again, too. Also, I wonder if your daughter has a hard time with transitions. A transition back home like this from being with her friends and experiencing a little independence can be really hard. Any little thing could set her off. Try to anticipate difficulty at times of transitions. And try not to take her behavior personally. She's not out to get you, she is having a hard time reentering the domain of parental authority. She is suddenly reminded that she is still a little girl - an awful thought at this age! That reframing will give you some compassion for her. Meet her more than halfway at times like this. Honor her temperament, her agenda and then don't take it personally.
Q. My question pertains to the difficulty of dealing with one's spouse: My husband read your book, and agrees with your messages wholeheartedly, but still has frequent and prolonged "unmindful" periods. When his buttons get pushed—and it doesn't take much—he snarls at our seven-year-old son with a hateful and hurtful voice, using threats and offensive criticism. I feel I have to say something—I just can't let it play out, so I usually intervene (for our son's sake), trying to neutrally identify what the father is doing—reminding him that he is acting in exactly the same disrespectful way that we want our son not to act. I try to speak as non-judgmentally as possible but my husband gets mad at me too, storming away cursing about being criticized—and threatens to leave us. This pattern has happened over and over for years. My concern is the effect of this on our son. He is clearly hurt at these moments and clearly seeks a connection with his father. When the dust settles, our son (on his own) courageously apologizes (something his father is profoundly incapable of doing).
Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out!
4. Stories
I have always felt worried and guilty when my three year old had temper tantrums. I would try anything to get him to stop—sometimes screaming at him (my own tantrum!). Recently I was able to let him have a tantrum without trying to stop it or control it and without feeling guilty about it. I noticed my discomfort rise and just let it be okay. What amazed me the most was that after it was over (and it did end without me!), he seemed happier, and I felt much more patient with him. I realized that I had respected his feelings instead of trying to stop them. It's hard for me because my feelings were never respected.
Another time, he was in the sandbox playing with a friend. They each wanted the same shovel and were grabbing it from one another. Instead of taking it away or telling them what to do about it, I asked them each what they wanted to say to each other. Both said they wanted the shovel. Then I said, "What do you want to do about it?" They decided they could take turns. And they did!!! No fighting, it just worked!
5. News of Upcoming events:
- May 25-27 - 2nd Annual Parenting Conference in Adelaide, Australia: "When Buttons Get Pushed"
- June 5-9 - Buttons Parts 1 and 2 in London, England. See the website events page for information and contacts.
- August 11-14 - The Buttons Certification Training for professionals in Peterborough, NH. See the website training page for details.
If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble.
Click here to Read Previous Newsletters.
Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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© 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com
