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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 14 - From Blame to Compassion Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. See below for ways to order. Thank you. Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story. 2. Discussion of key points – From Blame to Compassion Why do we think blaming and criticizing are going to teach our children to be responsible? What would ever make us think that putting a child down for not meeting up to our expectations would cause him to change his ways and become the model child? Think about a time when you were blamed or criticized for something, especially if it was due to an expectation you were not meeting up to. Did the criticism inspire cheerful, cooperative behavior from you? No, most likely it provoked defensive, combative behavior. Or withdrawn behavior because you felt small and ashamed. The same thing happens to children. But the reason we blame is because our entire culture does it. It was done to us, it comes naturally and automatically. We believe that if a child does something wrong, she needs to be punished or be made to suffer in some way. We fear that children will not learn without pain of some kind – either physical or emotional. It’s the only way we see them being stopped from inappropriate behavior. That is not the way learning takes place. Blame and punishment is not the solution, but the cause of further disruptive behavior. Can we not have compassion and understanding for our children while teaching them? In fact, this is the way to insure that your child is learning what you want her to learn. Punishment often teaches them to be sneaky and deceitful in order to avoid getting into trouble. Or it squelches a voice and undermines self-confidence. When a child is misbehaving, unless it is age or developmentally appropriate behavior (a 3 year-old hitter is acting on impulse not intention), the misbehavior is the expression of emotional distress (hitting a sibling due to jealousy or the trickle-down effect of anger and powerlessness). The behavior has roots into deeper emotions that, unless tapped and allowed to be expressed, will continue to cause misbehavior. “You must have really been upset with your sister to get to the point of hitting her so hard,” acknowledges the cause of the hit. When the emotional base is addressed and the child can then express anger toward the sibling or situation without fear of blame or reprimand, the emotion is out and problem solving can then occur. “What do you think would get your sister’s attention? What can you do next time instead of hit? Is there someway I can help you remember?” It is compassion that builds connection. Our choice is to connect or to push our children away. A teen who feels blamed for being lazy will not decide to do chores or join the swim team because of the blame. Lazy is an assumption and a judgment. It will never serve as a teacher. Understanding through compassion is the only way to find your way in to your child’s world and see what’s going on behind her eyes so then you can suggest or encourage different choices that she may or may not take. But the chances are a lot greater. 3. Questions from readers: Q. My husband and I believe in the approach that children must be responsible for their own school work and learn to take care of it themselves. The issue for us is that my 4th grader doesn't apply himself to school, piano, soccer, etc. and doesn't care if he makes a bad grade. We expect good study habits from our children yet don't want to make school a negative or punishment. We have designated a time and place for homework to happen in our house and that is working well. However, getting it done, rather than getting it right, is his basic philosophy. Overall, he makes C's and sometimes B's with this minimal effort, and he is fine with that. He has however, brought home failing papers and D's on report cards. He just moves on, says he will do better and then fights about it when the time comes. The work doesn't come easy to him. He says he wants to make better grades and we help him set up ways to achieve that goal. But when it comes time to work hard, he just doesn't want to do it and it can turn into an issue. It is his lack of caring that we disagree with. We don't punish for bad grades, but don't feel he wants to put forth effort to do well. We aren’t slave drivers about the quantity of time either. When he has studied and then still done poorly, we don't make an issue of it. When he has studied and makes the A we celebrate with him. A. It sounds like your son just hasn't gotten into the seriousness of working for grades yet. You could put a different spin on this and say, "Thank goodness he's not buckling under pressure about grades yet. Thank goodness he's more interested in being a kid and just playing." You say that your designated time and place for homework is working (usually the best place for young children is in the middle of everything so they don't feel they are missing anything), so establishing that means there are good study habits, regardless of the results. Why should a 9 year-old care about getting everything right? Why should he care about grades? I remember when my daughter was in 4th grade thinking to myself, "When is she ever going to take school seriously?" In time she certainly did. If the work doesn't come easy to him, of course he will avoid it. He has no motivation at this age to excel. School should be fun. There is way too much pressure on "making the grade." We need to give our children more time to be children rather than pushing them along the track that we want them to mold onto. What if he is to become a dancer or a painter or an auto mechanic? He hasn't yet had an experience that stimulates him in the direction of his interest. School doesn't provide that for many kids. I would suggest focusing on what he enjoys doing. If he likes soccer but doesn't apply himself as a player maybe he just likes being there with friends on the field. I don't know of a child his age who is diligent about practicing piano. My suggestion is to let go of your worry for the time being. Watch what his interests are and support them the best you can, even if they are not your first choice. Practicing piano will probably always be a struggle. School may always be a struggle. But instead of expecting a serious work ethic, establish a good compassionate relationship with him so he doesn't feel like a failure at meeting up to your expectations. And watch the school. Perhaps it won't be the right one for him. don't try to fit a square peg in a round hole. I would let up on the expectations for now and let him relax. Q. A few days ago, I found my mother’s wedding ring under a stack of papers in the kitchen. I went to put it away and discovered that my mother’s engagement ring, my grandmother’s rings and one of mine were missing. I asked my whole family if they had seen them. No one had. My husband and I searched the house and found them in my daughter Zoey’s room – she is 12. I tried one last time to see if she would own up to taking them, but she wouldn’t. A few days later, I told her I needed to talk to her and told her what had happened. I said I was frightened when I couldn’t find them, but that I wasn’t mad and that I loved her. I asked her why she took them, but she only got a little teary-eyed and said, “I don’t know” a couple of times. I told her she could even keep them for awhile if she felt a need to have them. She was a little embarrassed, but wouldn’t say anything else and didn’t keep them. A little background: I have lost both my parents over the last two years and was recently gone for 5 days to clean out the house. I thought perhaps Zoey wanted something of their’s while I was gone, but she said she didn’t even know they were my mom’s and grandmother’s). When she was 7, Zoey also took a toy from a store and she took some money from my wallet when she was about 9. She did admit to taking it after I found it and said that she felt I had been paying more attention to her brother at the time. Overall, we have a very positive relationship. I know that behavior is always a barometer for what’s going on inside, but I’m at a loss of what to do and I don’t want to feel like I can’t trust her. A. My guess is that she needs to get a little further away from the situation (your finding the rings in her room) before she will be able to talk about why it happened. She is embarrassed and hates losing face/being found out at age 12. This seems to be an impulsive thing that happens when she feels stressed. But of course you don't want the pattern to continue. Now that time has passed, I think you can go to her and say that you need her to reassure you that she understands that it is wrong to take things without permission and that she can stop herself from the impulse if it ever arises again. Holding the belief that she doesn't want this ever to happen again, ask her what she can tell herself to stop herself when the impulse hits. Ask if there is someway you can help. See if she will brainstorm with you. If she won't tell her that you would like her to think about it and by a certain date you would like her to give you in writing what she plans to do if the impulse comes up again. Please let us know how this turns out. It may be hard to enlist her in this at this age, but I think you can expect some kind of reassurance from her. Q. My son (4) has realized his bedtime power and now will not go to/stay in bed at night. My husband sleeps with him at night and it didn't used to be a problem, but now after the bedtime routine, he just gets up. He seems to be wanting a reaction (wanting our buttons to be pressed...his dad’s did) but even when I calmly bring him back to bed, he gets back up, laughing and with wild energy. He has never been much of a sleeper and has always needed less sleep than other kids his age. he's been going to bed an hour and a half later than usual and it shows the next day. I've tried different strategies: letting him stay up and play until he decides to go to bed, talking about his feelings, talking about natural consequences, even threats. We give him many opportunities during the day to be powerful but it is starting to wear me down. Please help. A. I think your son has a bit too much power in this situation. He is calling the shots and I'm guessing you are at the point of pleading with him. A 4 year-old should not be given the opportunity to decide when he wants to go to bed. Even if he doesn't go to sleep, there needs to be a bedtime. He doesn't, however, have to be happy about it. So many times, we are afraid to take a stand for fear the child will be unhappy or have a tantrum. They have a right to be mad and to let that mad out. I would suggest talking to your son during the day and letting him know your "new" plan for bedtime, which might go something like this: We understand that you don't want to go to bed, that often you’re not sleepy, but there is a time when you need to be in bed so daddy and I have our time together before we go to bed. From now on your bedtime is going to be.... Either Daddy or I will do the bedtime routine with you and then we will say goodnight. it's time for you to go to bed on your own without daddy sleeping with you. This might be hard for you to get used to so let’s figure out some things that will make it easy for you. Then brainstorm with him about what he can have in bed with him – books, toys. A child’s tape player is a good idea so he can listen to tapes. Something that usually works is tapes that you and/or your husband record. They could be reading favorite books or made up stories. The point is to give him power over certain choices like what he does in bed, but not give him power over how and when he gets there. Work it out with him during the day and write down with pictures what the plan is so he can see it when bedtime arrives. If he gets up, continue to take him back to bed. it's important that he learns you are in charge of the situation. Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories I found your response interesting related to the girl who takes things. A girl in my daughter’s class exhibited the same behavior. They discovered the issue for her centered on wanting to take a “piece” of someone home with her (by taking her things). They confronted the issue and eventually the habit disappeared. I know the girl in question may have other issues, but just wanted to share. Recently my 5 year-old daughter ahs been calling me dumb and stupid when she is angry with me. We’ve had many talks about what other words she could use to tell me she’s angry. One night after she had called me stupid again, I said, “What are we going to do about this. Our other ideas aren’t working.” She said, “Mom, I have been trying. It’s just that you know when you have to pee really bad and you feel like you can’t make it to the bathroom? Well, I feel like that when I get angry. I have to let the anger out somehow, so I call you stupid because I can’t stop myself. I was excited about this analogy because it made total sense and gave me a way to go about it from another angle. So I said, “Well, when you get that feeling like you have to pee, you run to the bathroom, right?” She nodded her head. “Well it’s the same when you get angry, sometimes you may need to run to another room to take a deep breath and think about how you want to tell me that you’re angry.” I told her that many adults have a hard time with it and sometimes I have to leave the room so that I can come back and express my anger appropriately. She agreed to try going into another room and counting to 10 or just taking a deep breath. And after the discussion I really felt like my button had been defused, because I saw that she truly wanted to succeed and that my expectations of her ability to always say the right thing when she is angry is unrealistic for anyone never mind a 5 year-old. 5. News Please note! I recently had a computer breakdown. Fortunately nothing was lost but I panicked about this newsletter list. It is backed up but it changes all the time. Also I get address bounce-backs and delete ones that have "failed." Sometimes it could be because of a full mailbox. So if any of you notice that you have gone a couple of months without a newsletter, please email me with your address so I don't lose anyone who doesn't want to be lost. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com