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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 46 - Damaging Beliefs
Greetings!
"You can think of the groundlessness and openness of insecurity as a chance that we're given over and over to choose a fresh alternative. Things happen to us all the time that open up the space. This spaciousness, this wide-open, unbiased, unprejudiced space is inexpressible and fundamentally good and sound. It's like the sky."
— Pema Chodron, Practicing Peace in Times of War
Your parenting years will always be filled with doubt. Doubt is a sign that you are conscious, thinking, and wondering. It may feel like insecurity. It is your opportunity to learn. Think of the people you know who are cock-sure about everything. Would you want one of them for a parent?
Discussion of Key Points — Damaging Beliefs
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Now it's our turn. When those feelings of insecurity and doubt, not to mention rage and disappointment, come up-just listen and observe. Ask yourself, Why am I feeling this way? What is my child trying to tell me about myself? What am I really reacting to? Realize that those feelings are signals to you to stop and not react. You can stop the messages you don't want to send to your kids, stop those knee-jerk, automatic reactions. You may think you're teaching your child a lesson, but really what you're teaching is something you would be appalled to know. Your parent didn't mean to teach you that you weren't good enough. But that's the message you got. And whether or not you used that to keep you from accomplishing your heart's desire or whether you went on a rampage to prove your parent wrong, stressing yourself to the max in the process, you decided your parent was right about you-because you had no other option. But now that you're an adult, you do have an option. You have the option to stop the cycle of traditional parenting, to stop sending those unintentional messages on to your children. All you need to do to start is to look at your children's button-pushing behavior differently. Change your perception. That's the hard part. Once you can do that, your new, more positive responses will come automatically.
One parent wrote to me that the times she says, "I don't know what the hell I'm doing" are the times when she is most open to a new way of doing things as a parent. So see if you can change your perception of your feelings of insecurity and doubt as well. See those moments as times when you are open and vulnerable. Usually it feels scary and out of control. But face it-you have to be in that place to be convinced that a different way is better than what has not been working. Take heart-then open your heart.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer you directly. Your question goes in the newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep questions brief but include critical details. I'd love some questions about older children — don't want to lose those readers!
Q. My son is almost 18 years old and a senior in high school. He is an introverted kid and has been somewhat of a home-body his whole life. He has always been responsible, hard working, caring, and sensitive. My husband and I are very proud of the person he is. When he was younger he had lots of issues with anxiety, and I have worked hard to understand who he is and what he has needed. I do believe that I have been able to help him and this has enabled us to have a close relationship. He is going off to college next year and has begun the pulling away process. I respect that he needs more distance, less family time, etc., but he doesn't even want me to ask questions like where he is going or to check in on how things are at school. He doesn't like to come to the dinner table or talk to anyone in our family. He spends excessive amounts of time playing x-box and on the computer. He reminds me that he is not out doing drugs or drinking. Lately, he has talked about how he is trying to find himself and that he doesn't shine in any particular area in his life like other kids, i.e. he is good at sports, but not great, he is middle of the road academically, and he struggles socially. Very recently he has blamed us for being too protective of him and that we have held him back. I honestly feel that we have not held him back, but simply tried to respect that he is a shy, introverted kid. I understand that some kids actually need to be angry with their parents so that they can make the break easier. This is such a difficult process for our entire family -- I would love some suggestions on how to make this process a little easier.
A. The year before college is often a tough year for kids. They want to be independent and "done" with family, yet they are scared about what is coming up. Of course not wanting to own up to their fears, they get into a real push-pull with family members who remind them by mere presence alone that they are still tied to family. Hence dealing with figuring himself out-although I think he is possibly advanced in this area. Often kids don't get into "what's it all about" until college. My daughter pulled away and was very moody and argumentative the summer before college. We had our toughest time in many years. What really helped was offering her a trip to a friend's for a couple weeks. She jumped at the chance and came back feeling more connected. I actually wrote that story in the Buttons book. I think when your son blames you for overprotecting him, he is projecting his anger at himself for not putting himself out there more. I would suggest that you talk to him (in one of those few and far between windows of opportunity) about how he feels about being shy - is it hard for him to talk to people? Does it hold him back from pushing himself in some way? Does he envy others who are pushier? Also talk about what he likes about himself and ask if he would change his basic personality if he could? Many of us would like that opportunity, and I think it can only be good to air the desires, the envy, etc. Let him know that "playing it safe" is not a bad thing. He is not a risk taker, which means he won't experience as much as some others but it also means that he won't ever be foolish or impulsive. He will always think things through and be sure before he goes for something. The fact that he doesn't shine at anything now only means he hasn't found yet what will make him shine. It may be years before that happens.
Q. I have a very active three-year-old son and a six month old daughter. We are a single parent family, and my issue is with my son constantly demanding my attention when other people are around. We do play and spent a lot of time together at home which we both enjoy, but when we are out, i.e. at the bank, he will scream and yell and now swear if I am talking to someone else, or if we are at a friends for coffee he will often join in the adult conversation or become increasing frustrated at me for not listening to him, also being on the phone is difficult as well. I'm not sure how best to manage.
A. Your expectation of your son may be a bit unrealistic. With a baby in the house, you have probably, as most parents do, endowed your son with capabilities of a much older child. But don't forget, he's only three. There is no reason for him NOT to want your attention at all times. He doesn't yet, nor shouldn't, have the understanding of your desire or right to have a conversation with anyone else or do anything other than play with him. Remember that to keep your expectations in line. Then you will have more understanding of his desires. That does not mean you should stop doing what you need and want to do or that he should get your attention at all times. It just gets your head in the right place, so you don't explode when he demands your attention at the bank. The more our children are allowed to be a part of our conversations with adults, the better and sooner they learn social skills from watching and listening. When you need to talk to someone in public, pick him up so he knows he can be a part of it too. Let him know that you and this person need to talk but that he can listen. If he screams or swears, excuse yourself and take him outside. I know, losing your place in line is not fun but his learning is more important. Once outside, validate for him that you understand that he doesn't like it when you talk to other people. Don't blame him for that. It's his natural egocentrism. If he knows he is accepted, he will begin to listen. Then tell him that you need to talk to this person. Ask him if he is ready to go back inside so you can do that or does he need to wait a few more minutes to calm down. If he wants to wait, tell him that you will wait for two more minutes and then go back in. Ask him what he needs in order to listen quietly while you talk. At your friend's house, give him the option of playing on his own or sitting on your lap while you talk. If he chooses your lap (many kids are not ready to play on their own yet), let him know that he needs to be a good listener while you and your friend talk. When he wants to say something, he can say, "excuse me". Let him know you will either listen to him right away, or you will finish your thought with your friend and then ask him what he wants. Be sure and do that. Same on the phone. Keep him near you with something to occupy him and let him know you will address what he wants as soon as you are done. Even if he has forgotten and gone in the other room, find him and ask him what it was he wanted. That way he will grow to trust that you will indeed always get back to him.
Q. My 10.5 yr. old daughter and 9.25 yr. old son have learned two new tricks, which they have been thoroughly enjoying. The first was they bought little BB guns, which propel little plastic ball bearings 10 yards. I am wondering how you feel about such things. I grew up using air rifles from the age of 10 myself, shotguns from the age of 13 and mourn the massive waste of life of the animals that I killed. Guns and their use/abuse have changed considerably since then and the legal position is slightly more rigidly enforced here (England) than in the US. Their second trick is make-believe smoking of rolled up bits of paper (both my ex-wife and I used to roll our own cigarettes). It worries me that to be too permissive may be seen as condoning it, but to be too strict may also increase the thrill side of it. I smoked for 29 years but gave up 2.5 years ago, and I have a complete HORROR of them smoking.
A. The BB guns seem pretty harmless but as with any gun, toy or not, they need to have rules around them. For instance, they can only be used in a certain location, at a certain time, never are they to be pointed at anyone even in jest, etc. They need to understand that they are dangerous and could hurt someone or an animal or bird. Find out how they would feel if that were to happen and ask them how they can assure you that it won't. Set up the rules together. Include a consequence of you holding onto the guns for a period of time (or a suggestion they come up with) if the rules are not followed. Perhaps they need to ask your permission each time to use them, so you will know when that time is. Let them know that you trust them to behave maturely with them and not to treat them like harmless toys. I think you should tell them your experience and let them know that you feel very strongly about guns since you know what can happen. Don't lay this on them with a big lesson/lecture. But do let them know that this is personal and important to you. The same with smoking. You might say it was one of the things you regret doing the most and you want them to avoid getting into the trapping habit. I never believe in forbidding anything as it does increase the thrill and provokes rebelliousness. But when you give permission to do something, you have more leverage around making rules and putting a structure around what you are allowing. You have no power whatsoever when you forbid and then catch them doing it. They virtually have said, "Oh yeh?"
Stories from Readers
I have trouble with my kids, 10 (girl) and 7 (boy), waking up in the morning sometimes, but I have better luck with them getting up when I make their favorite quick breakfast... Pillsbury orange danish rolls (served with scrambled eggs most of the time). We also like the Raffi, "Rise and Shine" wake up song when I remember to play it in the morning. It gives them happy thoughts and smells to think about when they first are waking up. Music is a powerful thing at our house, too.
News
We are working on creating a web-based tele- seminar for the certification program to become a "Buttons" educator. Please let me know your interest and/or desire to learn more about this. We will likely begin with a small pilot group of not more than 5 people.
We have a new Yahoo group - coreparenting@yahoogroups.com. Join the conversation. One member has proposed going through the Buttons ideas using the exercises in the book as a guide. Several have expressed interest and are looking for more to join the discussion. I will help along the way. If you're interested there is a poll at coreparenting@yahoogroups.com.
Click to join coreparenting
Watch for my new book, Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You'll Love to Live With, which will be released this September.
now offer paypal payments for phone coaching and "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" CD set so credit card payments are possible. Use the highlighted link or go to my website on the books and CDs page or the phone counseling page under services for parents to find the Paypal button.
Locally, I will be leading a 4 week class, Good Parents Don't Get Angry, and other Parenting Myths at The Family Center in Peterborough beginning Thursday May 15th. Contact The Family Center at 603 924-6306 or email Tamara at thuston@thefamilycenter.us.
This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us.
What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003).
In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children's ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away!
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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© 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com
