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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 22 - Consider the Meaning of "Stupid" I recently facilitated the first 4-day Buttons training for professional certification. The Buttons manual and parent workbook are now complete so the training is ready to go on the road. Please email for details and look for a venue near you to sponsor a training if you don’t want to travel here. The next one in Peterborough, NH will be in August, I believe. Please let us know if that is of interest to you as we solidify our plans. (A beautiful summer vacation spot as an adjunct to the training!) Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose Thanks to all of you who responded to our survey. We learned that many of you prefer plain text and many the full HTML version — so we are sending it both ways in a brand new format. If you cannot receive HTML settings, the newsletter should default to text only. Let us know how you like it and if you have received it the way you want it. For those who have not yet responded, we are compiling a database and would like address information for as many of you as possible, so just hit reply to this newsletter and send us your information. This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story. 2. Discussion of key points – Consider the Meaning of "Stupid" I recently taught a class focused on making inquiry and facilitating problem solving with children. Too often we see a problem and move right into directing our children with what they should do or say to solve the problem. When we direct too much, our children lose their amazing capability of figuring things out for themselves. We do little more than project our way of handling it onto them and rob them of the opportunity to project themselves into the situation (empathize) and come to a conclusion that works best for them. One mother in the class brought in an incident when her not-yet-four-year-old daughter accused her mother of calling her stupid. At other times she called herself stupid. This mother had either ignored her daughter or reacted with, “You are not stupid.” Neither acknowledges what the child is trying to say but simply projects onto the situation this mother’s definition of the word “stupid.” I suggested she check it out. The next time her daughter said she was stupid, her mother asked, “What does stupid mean to you?” Her daughter answered, “When someone’s angry at you that means they think you’re stupid.” Think about it. If you are a young child and the most important person in your life is angry with you a fair amount of the time, mightn’t you think you were stupid for not knowing how to behave so your mother doesn’t get angry with you? This is the logical assumption of a young, immature mind. Children don’t question the adults in their life; they question themselves. This is what happens on the other side of the Gap. Children take in messages about themselves from what we say and do. When our buttons get pushed, and we react, our perfectly good intentions go down the tubes and the message received by the child is often far from what we intended. This mother’s angry reactions to her strong-willed, persistent, high needs child are intended to get her daughter to give her a moment’s peace. But the message received by her daughter is, “I’m stupid.” It will be hard to change this child's mind by trying to convince her that she is not stupid, that in fact she is very smart, etc. Her definition of stupid is not the opposite of smart. It is what someone is who is yelled at a lot. The way to change her mind is for her mother to defuse her button, understand that her daughter is not out to get her, but is trying to get her needs attended to in the only way she knows how—by calling herself stupid. This is the wake up call to tell her mother that she is not worthy of the anger coming her way. The word "stupid" should not be taken at face value—the roots need tending. 3. Questions from readers: Q. Today I was able to pick up my son (4) from day care first before getting my daughter (6) at school. She hates the 40 min trip up and back to daycare so I figured - we’ll be home early, she'll be happy and it'll be GREAT. (MY expectations of how she will react). My daughter sees my son, hits him, ignores an adult who tries to speak with her, turns away and continues to hit her brother. It really pushes my button when she acts out in public. I turn into referee and continue to feel humiliated that I cannot teach my children to be civil and kind to others, let alone each other. I know my button has been pushed again. I am just not sure.. do I ignore all of it? I know that being "overstrict" can make behavior worse — I know that laying no boundaries is also not ok. We try family meetings where my husband and I go over expectations. The meetings, or if we try punishments, don't work. HELP! A. WHAT method you use to handle the situation is not as important as HOW you use it. The point of defusing our buttons is to be objective and relatively neutral so that we don't react automatically to a situation like this one. You are looking at your expectations, which brings you to a level of awareness that is helpful. What your daughter did—hitting her brother—is not okay. But to defuse your button you need to look deeper to the roots of her behavior. Even though she hates the ride, was she expecting an empty car, a ride with you alone? Immediately her agenda is thrown. She's mad and hits the one who she thinks has changed the routine. In her anger, she is not in a frame of mind to converse with another adult, especially if that adult is saying anything about her hitting. To be most effective, you need to address her emotional level. You may not see her agenda right away but you did see your expectations of a happy child. Remember not to get fixated on the behavior alone. It must be stopped but it won't be cured until you get to its root. Later, when emotions are down say, "I thought you'd be happy not to have to drive to day care, but I wonder if the unexpected change was hard and seeing him already with me felt bad. Sometimes it's hard to switch gears quickly when you expect something to be different." You would then hear something from her that you could respond to. Then you can problem solve and say, "Let's rewind. If we had it to do over again, how could you signal me or tell me how you feel instead of hitting your brother? I will always try to warn you about changes in the plan when I can." Perhaps her impulsive reactions are a buildup of many incidents where her behavior was reacted to and her emotional motivation was ignored. Once she feels understood, she may not need to take her frustrations out on her brother—as much anyway! Q. Parenting has become more challenging as my daughters get older. My oldest is 15 years old and treats her family rudely when her friends are in our home or away on vacation with us. We do not want to discontinue bringing her friends because she enjoys activities that her father and I would not chose to do or do not have time for. We've talked about respecting our feelings and appreciation for us providing (all expenses paid) a vacation that she and a friend enjoy. I'm not sure that my daughter cares about our feelings or the expense. I'm guessing that she feels free to act very selfishly and rudely when friends are around because they provide a buffer from our discipline, etc. How can we get more respect? A. The question of respect is such a multi-layered one. But simply put, respect is learned by being respected. When your daughter behaves in a way you don't like, do you respond to her respectfully—the way you would a friend? Do you own your problem with it" I'm having a problem with the mess in your room. I know you don't care about it and I understand that. But I do care, so how can we handle this so that it works for both of us?" instead of "How can you let your room get like this?! You can be such a slob! You'd better clean this up now or you won't go out this weekend." We can feel the difference. Why do we think we can treat our children any less kindly than anyone else? Teenagers want to look cool in front of their "dorky" parents and they need to let their friends know that they know their parents are dorky. The way they do that is to make it look as if they don't have to answer to their parents. First, make sure your responses model the respect that you want from her. After a rude remark, ask her to come with you to another room. If she refuses, you can give her the choice of coming with you or talking in front of her friend. Try something like, "It seems to me that you need to look more powerful than you feel in front of your friend and you do that by putting us down. It makes me wonder if you feel like you have to prove something to her." Away from the event, tell her plainly and clearly that it is not okay for her to treat you like a lesser human being for the benefit of her friends and that you certainly hope she never lets anyone get away with doing that to her. Ask her what she needs to treat you more respectfully when she has a friend around. Perhaps she wants more time without parents around. Perhaps she needs clarity about what your line of tolerance is. You might offer to say something like, "We're not going there" to remind her that she is crossing the line. Let her know that she has one more chance but if she continues to cross the line after a reminder, she will not get to bring a friend the next time. Asking for her appreciation for what you do rarely works. Remember it is your choice to bring a friend or not. Q. My older son is 4.5 years old, and is going through an era (it seems like!) of name calling. Sometimes the names involve negative words like "stupid" or "poopy" or sometimes they are just rhyming names, ie "Teddy-Leddy-Weddy Head." When aimed at me or my younger son (6 months), it doesn't bother me personally, although it gets on my nerves as it is all but incessant. However, while he is at his preschool it can be a problem and many of the kids don't like it at all. He is extremely sensitive about being called names himself. I have tried talking to him about this, using positive reinforcement (stickers, etc), ignoring it, and nothing seems to work. At this point it's like a bad habit he can't break. I can't get to the bottom of why this is going on, or how to stop it, but it's gotten out of hand. I could really use your help! A. Toilet talk (poopy, etc.) is developmentally on target for a 4 yr. old. Why, I'm not sure, but they seem to get a kick out of it. As soon as the message comes across that's it's bad, the words can become weapons. They are playing with language and words they know result in strong reactions get results. Innocent words become loaded. The children at school might be reacting to the teacher reacting to him. If he calls them stupid, he is needing power over them for some reason. Ask him what he thinks stupid means. Simple toilet talk will not offend other children. But when it becomes a weapon (repetitiveness is a weapon too), it may. When he is made to feel wrong for saying certain words, he can't comprehend the logic emotionally because experimenting with words is developmentally appropriate. Do not respond with any kind of techniques that are meant to obliterate the behavior-stickers, for instance. You can say that some people don't like hearing those words and get offended, so it's best to keep them at home. This gives him permission to experiment but within your limits. Set a time of day when you play together with words. Keep reminding him, they belong at home. Designate certain stuffed animals he can say the words to. Let him say them into a tape recorder, listen to himself and giggle. And remember this "era" too will pass. Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories I just finished the "Buttons" book. I have to admit it was the first nonfiction book I've read through since college. It has totally changed the way I parent. It seems so much more pleasant to be a parent now. I'm calmer, better focused, and better prepared to handle things. My 9 year old and I have a much better relationship. We are better able to communicate and actually think about the other person. I have found that with my two year old screamer that if I address her calmly and ask her what she needs she will usually tell me. Then I can say something like "Oh, that is what you want, I'm sorry I didn't understand, no wonder you were upset. Let's go get that together and next time let's ask nicely so we won't have to yell, okay?" Usually she responds with an okay, but the biggest thing is for me to remain calm, which is easier now thanks to "Buttons". 5. News I'm off to Adelaide, Australia to present at The National Parenting Conference May 25-27. Then I go on to London and will be giving more Buttons workshops the week of June 5-9. For information about the London workshops contact enquiries@theparentpractice.com. CD sets of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (read by me) are available by contacting kristin@bonnieharris.com or just send $29.95 plus $2.30 postage to Bonnie Harris Core Parenting 152 Windy Row Peterborough, NH 03458. There are 6 CDs with a 7th bonus disk that includes printable pdf files of the exercises from the book. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com