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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 33 - Reality and Perception
Greetings!
"Confidence is closely linked to how well our perceptions match reality."
— Matthieu Ricard
What is reality? Isn't it just what we perceive it is? Who has the right perception or the right reality? It seems to me that how well we relate to our children depends on how well our realities relate.
Discussion of Key Points: Reality and Perception
I found myself pondering the above quote and thought it worthy of a discussion on how it applies to parenting. Isn't it true that the reason we want our children to do what we say is so they will fit with our reality? In other words, we want them to accommodate our agendas. Our reality is to a great extent made up of our agenda. I describe our agendas in Buttons as including everything going on at the present time as well as the standards and expectations we were brought up with and the beliefs we learned to hold about ourselves and others from our early childhoods on throughout our development. Most of these perceptions we are not conscious of but they drive us none-the-less—our patterns of behavior, our expectations, the choices and decisions we make, how we relate to others, etc. And isn't it also true that each of us has different agendas, difference realities? So how do I match my perception to reality and how do I match my reality to my child's reality? And what is reality anyway if it is different from perception?
Having confidence in myself as a parent, the decisions I make and the communication I have, is directly related to how well my reality fits with my child's. If I tell my child to do something that makes sense to me (fits my agenda), but not to her, she will resist. If it makes sense to her (fits her agenda) but no to me, I will resist. I have to find a middle ground where both our agendas cross over, where I respect hers (including her temperament and stage of development) and she respects mine.
The bottom line to consider is not how to make those realities cross but that we each have a different reality. If I look at my child misbehaving and can possibly conceive of what her reality must look like to her in the present circumstance, I will have a must better chance of our realities crossing one another. In other words, if I can stand in her shoes and see the world through her eyes instead of only through mine—thinking that my reality is the only one, the right one—I will have a better chance of saying words that she can hear and not tune out.
Perhaps, according to the quote, the more unsure we are of our decisions and our perceptions, the less in sync we are with anyone's reality. When that happens, our children sense our lack of confidence and find leverage and argue with the reality we are trying to get across. That's where they find our buttons. And that's why they get pushed.
How we see the world, the community, the family, and our children is all colored by a filter through which we each look at everything. If we want to come together with someone, our perceptions need to be, not the same, but compatible. Perhaps it is reaching that compatibility with our children, rather than forcing them to see and do things our way, that is the goal of parenting.
Questions and Answers
Your questions make the newsletter interesting for everyone. Here's how it works: You email me a question, and I answer it as soon as possible. Then it goes in a newsletter at a later date. But you get your response much sooner than its appearance in the newsletter.
Q. My six year old foster daughter is getting increasingly difficult to please. She has issues with anger and abandonment (rightfully so). She has recently learned that she will be living here forever and has many mixed emotions. She has always wanted to stay but as time draws near she has reservations. She has been having meltdowns and which are now followed by "I want my mommy." The meltdowns have no rhyme or reason. She had one at the mall because the ice cream she ordered was not the color she wanted. She sat under the table crying and carrying on. She was able to pull it together and discuss it with us. She said she missed her mom. We do not believe she is using this to escape having to be responsible for her behavior but we fear she is close. Currently we acknowledge her feelings, validate her and move on. She is worried about her own anger, she asked for a punching bag to get out her mad. I think it is a good idea while my husband thinks we should not encourage violence with violence. Any help you can give would be appreciated.
A. You have a big job on your hands and bless you for taking it on. It actually sounds like your foster daughter is doing quite a remarkable job given her circumstances. Given that she will likely have issues of abandonment her whole life, you can do a lot to alleviate them. The finality of never returning home again, the end of her idealized hope of a perfect life with intact mom and dad, is most likely what is triggering her outbursts. I would encourage you not to see those outbursts as bad behavior that she must be accountable for, but as necessary releases for the loss she must be feeling. The energy behind those outbursts can be rechanneled, but do not ever try to stop it up or indicate that her feelings are bad. It's remarkable that she has asked for a punching bag. This is what she can use to rechannel her anger. How perceptive of her. I understand your husband's concern, but please feel assured that this is an appropriate outlet for her inevitable anger. She can take it out on the punching bag instead of on a person. Get her whatever she needs to punch, hit, and kick. Encourage her to draw how she feels, too. She must be accountable for what she does with her anger, but never her feelings. So if you give her appropriate outlets, she can release her feelings and know she is okay. In addition, six is the developmental height of perfectionism. Hence the ice cream incident. She had a picture in her mind of what the ice cream would look like and it didn't meet her picture. When something like that happens, wait until her upset is over (you can take her out of the scene) and then tell her neutrally what happened — tell her about the picture in her mind, make logical what happened so she won't feel bad. Your validation must be genuine for her to get it. It will take some time, but if you give her a structure she can count on, and acceptance of who she is and what she is feeling, she will feel secure in your family.
Q. We have a fabulous five year old daughter, BUT....I call my grandparents once a week and hope/expect that my daughter will get on the phone and have a polite conversation. It means so much to my grandparents. They say it is the "best medicine." Occasionally my daughter is lovely with them, but more and more she refuses to speak to them, or talks briefly and hands the phone back, or shrieks " I don't want to talk to them" while I am talking. It drives me crazy... Part of me says, "why should she have to talk if she doesn't want to?" Another part of me says, "SHOW A LITTLE COMMON DECENCY AND RESPECT FOR YOUR ELDERS, IF IT WASN"T FOR THEM AND ALL THEY HAVE BEEN THROUGH YOU WOULDN"T EVEN EXIST!!!"— you can see this pushes some buttons. I have tried — trying to find the right time to call when she has good energy and attention, a sticker chart (with some success, but I hate this approach), at one low point, I discussed bribes. How do I model something positive so that she will want to " do the right thing" and give her great-grandparents a couple minutes of joy once a week.
A. I would encourage you to listen to the first part of yourself. In order for your daughter to grow up with a desire to connect with your grandparents, she will need to do it on her own terms. If she feels pressured into it, you are creating the scenario you most fear. What you are asking/expecting is for a 5 yr. old to take care of people she hardly knows. And yes, you hope that she will do it for you, but it is your problem (you're the one who wants her to talk) so you need to recognize that and not expect her to take care of you either. Tell her that you want her to talk to them only if it feels right and comfortable to her (she already knows how important it is to you), and she will be more likely to do it respectfully. But her agenda needs to be respected by you first. Let her know you understand it's not something she really wants to do and you do not want to force her. The more coercion, threats or bribes, the more you will turn your grandparents into a chore for her. Your real issue is not wanting to hurt your grandparents feelings. I imagine it's hard to tell them that she doesn't want to talk. Explain that she is five and will want to more as she gets older. I think if you take off ALL pressure, she will come around. You ARE modeling something positive by staying closely in touch with them. She watches you doing that. Your grandparents can find joy in hearing about her and talking to you.
Stories from Readers
We were expecting company and I asked my three boys to eat breakfast, shower, get dressed before play. I had said this at least twice but I repeated it a third time I must have left out the shower part because my six year old had a fit! He started screaming, "you liar, you lie, you never said we had to take showers you're lying." I was not usually an issue to take a shower and this is not typical behavior. I just said nicely, "yes I did say you all needed to take showers." He yelled, "NO you didn't, you never said take showers, you lie, you're a liar." I just stated, " if you want to play you need to do those things first" and I walked away and started to do my chores. He kept screaming and following me around " you lie, you're a liar etc." I ignored him and went upstairs to make beds. He followed me into the room screaming some more - this has gone on for at least 15 minutes. THEN he walked into the other room and in mid-scream said, " you never play with me and all you care about is the house being clean and I don't care about that!" I stopped in my tracks. I calmly went to him and said, " Oh, so you're upset because you want to play with me and I need to clean" and he said "yes". So I asked him what he would like to play and he told me and I explained that I really needed to get these few chores done and that I would play with him when I finished. He said, "okay" as nicely as could be and went and took his shower and went outside to play with his brothers. It all seemed to come out when I didn't react and let him vent.
News
I am busy at work on my next book and would love your stories. If you have something that works around the following issues, and your child is between two and twelve, I would love your stories: getting out the door in the morning, mealtimes, chores, car time, homework, and bedtime.
I am going to be in Portland, OR the last full week of April. If any of you from that area are interested in meeting with me, having a private session, or know of a group that would be interested in sponsoring a talk or workshop, let me know.
I will be doing both Part 1 and Part 2 of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons in London between May 17th and 24th. Part 1 will be held twice in different locations — May 17 and 18, and May 21 and 22 from 9:30-1:30. Part 2 will be held on May 24 and 25. For more details, email enquiries@theparentpractice.com!
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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