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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 13 - Consistency Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. See below for ways to order. Thank you. Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story. 2. Discussion of key points – Consistency I want to discuss in a little more depth what I mean by consistency (in the book p. 33). Too many parents get stuck on this concept believing that consistency means doing the same thing every time a child misbehaves, i.e. always put a child in time out whenever he does something you don’t like. I believe that every situation needs to be evaluated differently. One day a child hits his sister because a friend at school called him a name and he’s taking his hurt feelings out on her, and the next day he runs around the house with out-of-control energy after being asked to quiet down. The first definition of consistency would lead a parent to put this child in time-out (or whatever the punishment) for both infractions. But where does that leave the child? Misunderstood and even more frustrated. Ripe for further misbehavior. Consistency, in my mind, refers to the parent’s ability to stay consistent or congruent with his or her principles or philosophy of parenting regardless of the parent’s immediate agenda, emotions, and automatic projections of past experience. In other words, no matter what is going on with the parent—how stressed or tired she is, how little time she has, what her assumptions are of herself or her child, what expectations she brings from her past, etc.—she is going to be able to recognize that they are hers and not project them on her child. Consistency will allow her to still respond respectfully no matter how she feels or what her child is doing. She may end up listening and problem-solving or giving a choice of quieting down or going outside. How she handles it doesn’t matter when she can respond respectfully and relatively neutrally from her core philosophy. An inconsistent parent is one who reacts with anger and criticism one day because he had a hard day at work and wants to be left alone, and with leniency and permissiveness the next because he’s feeling calmer and more patient. Those are his issues he is projecting. Children cannot learn what is expected of them when our behavior is unpredictable. Our inconsistencies lead to their roller coaster behavior. When parents recognize that their assumptions are not always true or appropriate, that their agendas often get in the way of responding effectively, that they often send unintended messages across The Gap, they are much more likely to have raised their consciousness to the degree where they will at least stop and think about how to handle a situation rather than react automatically. Or if they do react automatically, they will go back to the child when emotions are down, reevaluate the situation and perhaps even change their initial decision. To some parents, this would be inconsistent. But in my mind, this would mean she is returning to the consistency of her principles or philosophy, recognizing that she momentarily lapsed in her judgment because her emotions hijacked her better intentions. She would then take responsibility for her anger and her reaction and not criticize her child for causing it. It is important to say what we mean and mean what we say. But when we react and say what we don’t mean, it is not inconsistent to go back and apologize or reevaluate what should be done. The consistency comes in returning to that reservoir of a conscious philosophy. 3. Questions from readers: Q. Over the past few months, my husband and I have noticed an increase in Quinn’s (age 5) “fresh talk.” Sometimes he is just not aware that his comments are “socially unacceptable:” “That gingerbread dough looks like poop!” or “Mommy, you have a big butt.” But they take on more of an edge when he gets angry or things don’t go his way. We ignore the frequent “I hate you’s” that get said when we set limits on Quinn. In addition, he will often hit us when he’s angry. We remind him that hitting isn’t allowed, but it hasn’t stopped. I’ve been reminding him that when he feels angry or frustrated he can say, “I feel angry!” He can then take time to himself. But we also hear it when he’s not angry and now it’s showing up at school. A. Things seem to be a little out of balance. On one hand, certain things are being taken too seriously and others, not seriously enough. Four and five year olds are immersed in the thrill of potty language. It is developmental, but we can turn it into a danger zone if we make too much of it fearing it is "socially unacceptable." You need to be aware that your assumption that this is "fresh talk" can lead you to reactions that make these words and statements very powerful to him. Whenever we make a lot out of words, they become loaded weapons when our children want a little more power. If I were you, I would laugh at some of his funny statements and say something like, "Well you have a little butt," and then off-handedly say that there are people who would be offended by words like that so the words need to stay at home. That way you give permission while setting parameters around it. But when it comes to his anger and hitting you, this should not be treated off-handedly or ignored. He is trying to tell you something, and if he thinks he is not being heard, he will get louder and more aggressive. Ignoring rarely works. When he hits, it's important to very firmly and strongly say, "I will not allow you to hit me. I will not allow anyone to hit me, and I certainly hope you will never allow anyone to hit you." it's very important that we establish very strong boundaries for ourselves and model self-protection. Instead of "hitting Isn't allowed" give him something acceptable to hit. Perhaps a punching bag would be a good present so that anytime he feels angry he can get it out acceptably. Telling him to use his words and taking time by himself Isn't enough for this aggressive energy. It is telling you that it needs to come out—just not on you. Give him the opportunity to be very strong with his words so they can express his anger. After you’ve dealt with the hit, tell him, "You are very mad at me. Tell me right now how mad you are. Use mad words to tell me." Work with him on what words he can say to you when he wants you to pay attention to him or when he's angry. Q. My two girls, ages 6 and 9, frequently fight. 6 does something to annoy 9, sometimes deliberately, sometimes not. The two squabble and 9 hits, pinches or otherwise hurts 6, and 6 ends up shrieking and crying. 9 is big for her age, and when she gets physical it really pushes my buttons because 6 is so overpowered. I used to comfort 6 and tell 9 off, until I realized that 9 was angry and jealous of 6, who sometimes provoked and shrieked just to get 9 in trouble. Now I try to stay out of it more and recognize 9’s feelings of jealousy. But it hasn’t stopped and I can sense that 6 now feels unsupported and unprotected. I am sure that somehow I need to tell them that the physical stuff is unacceptable while still recognizing that they and their feelings are acceptable, but how??? A. Sibling fights can be so difficult especially if you have your own sibling issues. There may be something around feeling "overpowered" for you to look at that drives you to protecting or feeling you should be protecting the younger. Try the technique that I suggested for the mother in the story below. Soothe the hurt without attaching it to whoever did the hitting. Pay no attention to the hitter only the hurt itself. When no one is blamed, try asking the hitter if she would like to get a cold washcloth to hold on the hurt. Often the offender would like to make amends but doesn't get the chance when blamed—then defense is the only option. Afterwards, talk to the hitter about the feelings that must have been very strong to cause her to want to hit. This will make connection with her rather than making her defensive. This may need to be consistent for awhile to have it's effect. As in the story below, it could get worse at first to test you. Then work on empowering the younger rather than protecting her. She has learned that she can provoke with no consequence and then get her sister in trouble. If her sister doesn't get in trouble, the dynamics will change. Q. My almost 7 yr. old daughter occasionally comes home with small items (markers, block, tiny plastic toy) from school. I have witnessed her find these in the school hallway. Last Sunday in church she pocketed a box of colorful bandaids that another child had left out. I always make her return them often with an apology note. I have also explained that if you find something, to leave it or return it to the lost and found. Just today she picked up a ponytail holder in front of a cubby and I told her to leave it there. When I walked by her cubby after a PTO meeting that night, I noticed she had put it in her cubby. This has gone on for about a year. Just recently she had a book stolen from her mailbox at school. I hoped that this would make her more empathetic, but it hasn’t changed her behavior. I try to stay as neutral as possible and make her return the items. What else should I do? A. You are doing the right thing by neutrally having her return the items each time. You might try having a talk with her sometime (not directly following an incident) about what it is she thinks she needs or wants when she takes things. Does she want them to be hers? Or does she take them for another reason? Let her know that you want to understand what it is she is after. See if you can find out if it's a habit she would like to stop and if so, ask her what she thinks she needs at the time to stop herself from picking these items up. Tell her you know this is not what she wants and you want to help her break the habit now. it's best to think of it as a habit she has gotten into rather than stealing. And all habits need a lot of practice to break. If this doesn't change anything, it may be in order to tell her that taking things that aren't hers is against the law, and if it continues as she gets older, she could get in trouble with the law. This may be a bit strong but since it's been going on a year, she might need this information. But use this only if the other doesn't work. Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories My 5 yr. old daughter complained that she felt like she was always getting in trouble instead of her 2 1/2 yr. old brother and 15 month old sister. I knew she was right and that I perceived her as the troublemaker and instigator. I couldn’t understand why she was being so mean. I thought about what she was telling me with her behavior. I had a heart-to-heart with her and she told me that she thought she was a monster and her brother and sister were the good ones—that she was the devil and they were angels. I said I felt awful that she felt that way because I knew she didn't want it that way and neither did I. My perception had become a self-fulfilling prophesy. You had suggested that when she was hurting her brother to completely ignore her and give my attention to the hurt. This proved interesting because I could see her standing aside waiting to see what was going to happen as she was used to me reprimanding her for treating him like that. At first the behavior got worse because I think she was testing me. Then about a week later, I heard a thud from the other room and then my son crying. I approached it neutrally and asked my son what happened. My daughter said he fell and hit his head. So I said to him, "You hit your head? Let me see where," and I proceeded to hold him and kiss the bump not saying a word to my daughter or about her either. Then she came up to us and said, "Mom I have to tell you the truth, we were playing and I hit my car into his, and he fell backward and hit his head on the door. I knew I couldn’t lie about it." I told her how glad I was that she told the truth and asked her if she would like to hold a cold cloth on his head. She jumped right up and got it. Then she gave her brother a big hug and a kiss. If I had been all over her about hurting her brother, she would never have had the opportunity to make amends on her own terms. It was pretty amazing. 5. News Please note! I recently had a computer breakdown. Fortunately nothing was lost but I panicked about this newsletter list. It is backed up but it changes all the time. Also I get address bounce-backs and delete ones that have "failed." Sometimes it could be because of a full mailbox. So if any of you notice that you have gone a couple of months without a newsletter, please email me with your address so I don't lose anyone who doesn't want to be lost. London : For any of you in the London area: I am doing a two day Buttons workshop in the Notting Hill area on May 25 and 26 (10:00-1:00 each day). If you are interested in more details please contact Nancy Albanese at 020 7229 2041 or email her at Albaguinness@aol.com. Princeton, NJ : It may be a little late, but this weekend I am giving a talk Friday night and a 4 hour Buttons workshop Saturday, April 29 and 30 at The Waldorf School in Princeton. I am also available for private sessions on Sat. and Sunday. Contact Rosemary Parrish at 609 466-1970 x26, or Jill Miller at jill@in-power.com. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com