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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 1
Welcome! My intention with this newsletter is to spread these ideas so more and more of you can parent with the honesty and integrity you want—rather than from some intellectual idea that gets you stuck again and again. And my intention is to sell more books! What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003).
Thank you.
Contents:
- Introduction to the newsletter
- Discussion of key points from the book
- Questions from readers, answers and stories
- News of upcoming events or print media
1. Introduction
This is the introductory issue of my new email newsletter, each one of which will cover a few key points from the Buttons book, some new thoughts I may have, and ways to apply the material in your daily parenting life. I encourage interaction so that with a simple click you can email me a question or tell us a story of how you have been successful or unsuccessful at putting these ideas to work. Your participation will be imperative to making this newsletter interesting and rich. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book that may be unclear to you or that you are having a hard time applying.
Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section.
You may be wondering how you got on my list. Many of you who have taken classes with me were called, many email addresses I already had from talks and previous emails, others are from The Family Center (Peterborough, NH) database. If you do not want to receive this newsletter, please see below how to unsubscribe and you will be removed from the list. If your email address changes, please let me know.
2. Discussion of key points
Let's begin by reviewing what happens when your child pushes your button. In order to be effective in the situation—to stop your child from whatever she is doing or to get her motivated to do what she doesn't want to do—you need to be relatively neutral. That means not taking her behavior personally, not letting it "get to you." So it is more important to understand why your button is getting pushed rather than try to get her to stop pushing it—a never-ending battle. You may be able to stop it now, but when you react, she has learned just what makes you explode. Then she has her weapon for the next time she wants power!
She may not be intentionally pushing your button at all. You may just have a hard time with loud noise, new fashions, or whining, etc. See if you can notice what is innocent as opposed to what is intended to get you to blow.
Pay attention to what happens to you, both physically and emotionally, when your button gets pushed. Does your throat tighten, does your stomach get in knots? Do you get angry and explode or do you give in and give up, feeling resentful and hopeless?
Remember this is not about laying blame on yourself. That's easy. We are all way too good at that. Nor is it about letting your child get away with it—get off the hook. This is about taking responsibility—much harder—and in turn, teaching your child to take responsibility. Her behavior is her responsibility, your behavior is yours. You both need to be accountable for your own.
When you start to feel that familiar feeling—STOP. Either walk away or say to your child, "I don't know how I want to handle this right now. I'll get back to you," or "I'm too angry to discuss this now. When I feel calmer, we will."
Then BREATHE! Literally take several focused inhales and exhales, watching your breath. It will help bring your thoughts back from spinning into outer space and catastrophizing! Then look at where your thoughts were headed. "She's such a brat," "He'll never amount to anything," "What's wrong with me that I'm raising such a disobedient child," "How can he be so mean?" "She's going to be the death of me."
It is those thoughts that get your emotions out of whack and lead to your reactions, which are anything but effective when you are in that state. Remember that your child learns who he is from watching your reactions to him. You are his mirror—a pretty awesome responsibility. Your intention to teach him something may be clear to you, but think about how he is receiving it. (The Gap - Chap. 3)
When we react from our hurt, our anger, our fear, we are sending children strong messages that we do not intend for them to have —"You're not acceptable to me," "You don't have what it takes," "You're not capable," "You're not good enough." These are the last things we want our children to think. But didn't you come up with similar ones when your parents were most likely trying to teach you something in the only way they knew how? We know better.
So, stop and think what your child is hearing when you demand, yell, reprimand, react. That doesn't mean you shouldn't expect different behavior (as long as it's age-appropriate for who your child is). Just be sure you are not expecting your child to be who you want him to be rather than who he already is.
3. Questions from readers:
Q. We ask our 2 year old to do something and he doesn't listen. This pushes buttons for both my husband and me. We have the idea that he needs to mind, and tempers flare when he doesn't. We realize he doesn't have control over his impulses, but are worried about him not learning to listen to us. What do we do?
A. Remember when you don't like your reaction, you need to return to your idea (assumption). That is where the trigger lies. You have the assumption that he doesn't mind and (I might add) that he should mind and that if you were a better parent he would mind - am I right? Sometimes we really need to expand these assumptions to get a better look at what's really going on inside our heads. You're right that he doesn't have control of his impulses. So how can he mind? A 2 yr. old is after what he wants and if you ask him to do something he doesn't like, he's going to balk, cry, resist—anything to get out of it. If instead you hold the assumption that he's 2 and doesn't want to do what he doesn't want to do and that's natural, then you will not get so fired up. And then you will realize that he needs motivation to cooperate and an understanding of his agenda. Then you will be in a better state of mind to think of ways to motivate him. It's not about letting him off the hook. But your catastrophizing leads you to the fear - if he doesn't learn to listen now, he never will. When you can change your assumption, you'll have more realistic expectations of your 2 year old.
Q. Our 18-year-old daughter is really testing her boundaries — and ours — and our 15-year-old daughter doesn't understand why we don't "punish" the older girl when she pushes back and pushes buttons. In fact, the younger girl, who is very sensitive and still very much a "mommy's girl" gets very upset whenever the household isn't in perfect harmony. How can I help the younger sister understand some of the changing dynamics so she is neither frightened of the changes going on nor angry at her big sister for upsetting her parents?
A. There are 2 big questions here: One has to do with how you are conducting the separation/letting go with your 18 year old and the other is how you are handling the 15 year old's concerns. The first issue will strongly affect the second. If her fight for independence is pushing your buttons so that you are holding on too strongly and getting a lot of resistance, your younger will of course think her sister is doing something wrong. If the older one is behaving inappropriately (important to make the distinction between what you don't like because it causes you fear and what is really not okay) then the younger one gets a head start on learning what she will/will not do. Her worries are because of who she is. Temperament plays a big part. If the younger is very sensitive then she needs to have that validated. Does she know that she often reacts from high sensitivity? Nothing wrong with that. Knowing ourselves and our tendencies helps us to cope. Try something like, "It must be hard to see your sister going through what she is. It's hard for us too because we love her so much and want her to be happy. But keep in mind that the two of you are very different people and see things very differently. We don't want to punish her because we want to build understanding with her. Punishment won't do that." If she has anger toward her sister be sure she can tell you about it without fixing it or advising her. Stay as neutral and as understanding as you can.
Story:
We became frustrated when our toddler kept changing his mind. He'd want one thing and then refuse it. You pointed out that he was just experimenting with his new-found ability to change his mind and cause us to take action. Taking your advice, we relaxed about the whole thing. I would take a deep breathe and say, "Oh you changed your mind!" If he continued, I'd tell him it was fine to change his mind but now he needed to make a decision - or I would make it for him. Just a few days of applying this method, and the novelty wore off and he stopped the constant mixed messages. He's learned that once we give the final word, he needs to live with his decision. The stress that this situation added to life has dissolved.
4. News
Check out the February issue of Working Mother Magazine. I wrote the feature article entitled How to Unspoil Your Child.
Click here to Read Previous Newsletters.
Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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© 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com
