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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 44 - The Ease of Obedience
Greetings!
"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
— Max Planck, Nobel Prize-winning physicist
Perceptions are often deeply engrained and hard to change. But the first step is knowing that our viewpoint is merely our perception and can be changed if desired.
Discussion of Key Points — The Ease of Obedience
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Let's first look at the child who is easily obedient. Were you? If you were that "good" girl or boy, how did you feel about being obedient? How does that affect your expectations of your child? An obedient child makes our lives easier, is more convenient; we can get on with our agendas more readily than when we have to maneuver around someone else's. Especially if we were compliant, it makes sense to expect our children to do what we say, when we say it. But think about it. That puts you in the driver's seat all the time. You have to take responsibility for all of it. You must make sure the backpack is ready, the homework is completed, the teeth are brushed, the clothes are appropriate, the food is eaten or not eaten, the emotions are happy, the problems are fixed. It's exhausting. But rarely does the parent who expects obedience realize how much easier life can be in the long run, when responsibility, not obedience is expected.
The obedient child does not learn responsibility early or well. When the child's job is to do what he is told, then the one who does the telling is the one who must keep track. The child is off the hook - of figuring out when his homework will get done and handed in, of making sure he has done what was agreed on to help the family, of caring for his own teeth because they are his and not the job of someone else, of taking responsibility for his own problems. Also when he does something wrong, he doesn't have to actually do anything about it. All he has to deal with is going to his room or time out until the dreaded sentence is over or losing a privilege. All he does is think about being mad, possibly retaliating, perhaps feeling misunderstood or maybe shameful. But he doesn't have to answer for what he has done. So when freedom from obedience comes with adolescence or with college, all hell can break loose.
Then there is the child who cannot tolerate obedience. We tend to think of these children as defiant, belligerent, obstinate, and difficult. These are the ones who typically push our buttons and cause us to feel like failures because they won't do what we say. We must think of them differently. Their temperaments will not allow them to be talked down to, criticized, belittled, disempowered. Who knows why, but where some children thrive on being told what to do, these children hate being told what to do. It is not their fault. They have to get on with whatever it is that is driving them. They need more personal power, more choices, more decision-making opportunities (especially when it comes to themselves) than the compliant child. Contrary to popular opinion, they do not want to control the family or everyone in their lives. They just want some control. And they certainly want control of themselves. It's not a choice of whether to brush their teeth but how and when to do it; not whether to do their homework but how to make it work for them, not someone else. They're not in our lives to make us miserable, but they probably are in our lives to make us take a look at ourselves and to teach us how to manage people respectfully.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer you directly. Your question goes in the newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep questions brief but include critical details.
Q. I feel horrible admitting that I get annoyed and very angry at my wonderful three year old son. He is very well behaved and until recently listened very well. I "traded" his binkies he only used for sleeping a couple weeks ago and wonder if there's any connection to his new behavior, or possibly it's his age, me his father, or all of the above. Whenever I ask him to do most anything there is now resistance. Whether he pretends not to hear me or makes a joke or game out of it, he avoids doing what I ask for awhile. I'm not half as patient a person as I thought myself to be, and always immediately feel angry, which will invariably persist and worsen as the day goes on, as will his resistant behavior. I'm fighting with my three-year-old son, and he knows it.
A. What we conscious parents must come to terms with after parenting for awhile (often age three is when buttons start getting pushed) is that it really is all about us! The problem hits when suddenly our agendas get shoved around and our self-image of an authority figure is threatened. The discussion of key points is meant for you! Your son is one who isn't going to tolerate obedience. If you "traded" his binkies without his knowledge, he (yes, even at three) felt betrayed. His resistance may have nothing to do with that, but merely his age. Three year olds have learned that they are viable people who can make things happen. They are power-hungry to see what they can accomplish and are dashed to the core when their efforts are thwarted. They've heard "no" for quite some time now, and they are giving it back. Your son knows he has the ability to defy, to make you mad, and it gives him some power in an otherwise powerless world. If you can think of him as fighting for his integrity, his sense of self, you may be able to change your perception of him from being a disobedient, resistant child to one who is resisting being pushed around and told what to do all the time (even if you don't, that's how he perceives it). So give him choices about what to do, include him in little decisions, help him feel that he has his own tiny slice of the power pie in your family. He needs to feel powerful, and if you try to take that away out of fear that he will never listen or learn, he will grab more and more of it.
Q. We're having some challenges with our son who is in 9th grade and getting Ds and Fs on his report card. We just had him assessed at Sylvan Learning Center and his reading comprehension is at a 7th grade level. He is capable of doing better in all subjects but has put in the absolute minimal effort in his homework, and he's missed many assignments and simply just not turned some in for a grade. He's understanding better the possibility of having to repeat 9th grade if this pattern continues, and he says he is willing to work towards changing this. His dad and I know that TV, computer and video games overuse have been a big part of this and plan to reduce his time in this area and use it more as a reward.
A. Your plans sound good AS LONG AS your son buys into them. Is he part of the plan? Does he agree because he believes he needs to or just says he will do it to get his rewards? Ask his opinion on how his screen time should be handled. Does he want to save points up, how often does he want them doled out, etc. Going for the reward won't last long and the stakes will just get higher. He must be having a hard time keeping up in class if his reading is 2 grades behind. His self-confidence must be suffering and so he is giving up across the board. Just setting up incentives to get him to work more will not help him with his problem as I'm sure you realize. How have you talked about repeating 9th grade - compassionately or as a threat? Perhaps repeating would be a good thing, but if you present it as a negative, he has no option but to think of himself as a loser. See if you can present it as an option that may help him feel more successful. Then if he hates the idea, he will become more invested in making things work. Perhaps tutoring, a different school, Sylvan lessons. Sounds like he needs a lot of help with his reading as well as reducing electricity time. The key to what he needs to hear from you is that right now he is in a situation that is not supporting him and in which he has lost his desire to be successful. He has to know that you see his side. This switch away from telling him what he should and should not be doing will help connect both of you. It is only in that connection that long-lasting solutions can be found.
Q. I am having trouble figuring out what my 3.5 year old's agenda is when he is done playing with toys but refuses to pick them up. One of the most aggravating things about his behavior is that he always prefers to be with my husband doing whatever. He repeatedly tells me that he does not like me at least on a biweekly basis. In addition to him telling me that he does not like me, he and I constantly fight. I feel like a raving bitch when I am around him, and I hate myself, but he refuses to listen to me unless I am yelling at him. I have tried to think of what his agenda could be, but sometimes I just cannot come up with anything that makes sense. I am at my wits end and running on empty. To add to this my husband is no help, he tells me that my older son does not like me because I work nights, and he spends the evening with the boys. Do parents who work nights have an increased difficulty with young children, or is there something else I am missing?
A. First - my answer to the first question is for you as well. No young child wants to put his toys away. Some are more willing than others but the amount of cooperation comes from how that cooperation is asked for. His agenda is to play. Your agenda is for toys to be put away. So therefore you are asking him to accommodate your agenda. This does not mean he shouldn't put the toys away. But when you expect that he should do it willingly, you will only get more and more angry. When you understand that it is normal that he has no desire to, you will have a more understanding approach. When you get mad at him for not taking care of your agenda, you are pushing his button. Whatever you want is your agenda; whatever he wants is his. The question is, how do you both get what you want-eventually. That's what balance means. Nobody wants to do what they don't want to do, so he needs motivation to cooperate. The first rule of parenting is "A child's job is to get what he wants when he wants it." That is normal egocentric development. That doesn't mean he should get it, but that is his agenda and to expect otherwise will push your buttons every time. Let him know when clean up time will be, have him choose what he would like for clean up music. Have him help you put in the CD or tape. Give him a challenge like "see if you can find all the red toys to put away and I'll do the rest". Or can he throw them in the box like a basketball player. If he balks, acknowledge that he would rather leave them out and doesn't want to do this. Then tell him that as soon as he puts away 3 more of his choosing, you will be able to do something fun. There is more possibility for cooperation when he feels respected and understood and then given a choice in the matter. There may be no choice about putting them away but there is always a choice about how it's done. This is true for anything. I doubt if your night schedule has anything to do with his favoritism of his father. This is likely a stage during which he is identifying with him. Try not to take it personally and let it be okay. When you find more ways of honoring and validating his agenda, frustrations, and anger ("You're really mad at me right now."), he will be less mad at you.
Stories from Readers
Story One: Story One: My three-year-old made a special surprise in school to share during the parent-teacher conference but didn't understand it was to be saved at school for that day. He was clearly upset leaving and the walk to the car without his surprise escalated his frustration. By the time we were in the car he was in a full on fit. I put aside my hunger and urgency to get home and ignored the stream of parents with their calm, well-behaved kids coming out of the building. I got him into my arms and on my lap inside the warm car, and we just snuggled and cuddled with soothing words til his emotions had calmed a bit. Then we fantasized about how if the school wasn't locked (the teacher had long since left and closed up) we could get inside the building through the chimney and get the surprise. By the time we were done with our very detailed fantasy he forgot all about being upset about the gift, climbed into his car seat wanting to imagine more while we ate lunch! It was a great moment!
Story One: I am trying to put your ideas into practice both with my daughter (11 months old) and with my some of my high school pupils at school. At first I wasn't sure how to approach it all. However, my daughter provided me with a great opportunity this week. She is usually a very content baby - happy to play independently and demanding very little attention from others. In the last week, however she has gotten very clingy, just wants to be around people and held alot. For a couple of days I was just stressed, not understanding what had changed and trying to juggle getting things done and not letting her cry too much. Then I thought back to the course and stopped. I realized that I might not understand why she was demanding so much attention but I needed to listen to her demands. So instead of putting her putting her down with some toys and saying "It's OK, Mummy's just going to go and do ..." (which inevitably results in her crying and me feeling stressed), I carried her around with me a lot more and have made safe play areas in each of the rooms in the house so that she is always close to me. There are fewer tears and loads more smiles and cuddles. Some would say I am indulging her too much but it feels right to me. I am trusting that this is a phase where she is just feeling insecure and I need to be there for her.
News
I now offer paypal payments for phone coaching and "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" CD set so credit card payments are possible. Use the highlighted link or go to my website on the books and CDs page or the phone counseling page under services for parents to find the Paypal button.
Locally, I will be leading an 8 week class, "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" at The Family Center in Peterborough beginning Thursday morning March 6th. Contact The Family Center at 603 924-6306 or email Tamara at thuston@thefamilycenter.us.
On Monday March 10 at 6:30, I am facilitating a pilot program for parents of children with chronic illness at The Family Center in Peterborough, NH. Contact: Janet O'Brien at 352-1304 ext 293 or janet@mds-nh.org no later than 3-5-08.
On Wednesday March 12, I am giving a talk on "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" at Peterborough Elementary School at 6:30 pm. Contact Monica at m.riffle@comcast.net.
This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us.
What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003).
In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children's ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away!
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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© 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com
