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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 32 - Seeking Independence
Greetings!
"The independence and rebelliousness of our adolescence offer us yet another quality essential to our practice: the insistence that we find out the truth for ourselves, accepting no one's word above our own experience."
— Jack Kornfield
How important it is to remember the things we learned in our own adolescence when we are struggling through our children's. And how easily we project our own experience onto them to try to alter their experience.
Discussion of Key Points: Seeking Independence
From the changing table to life on their own, our children's journey is to seek independence. Their struggles with it take many forms depending on your part, their temperaments, and what they must learn on that journey. Our parenting will offer a smoother ride for them and for us if we attain a degree of objectivity for the big picture and not get bogged down in the minutiae of everyday problems. Life is much easier when our children do what we say, follow our agendas, and appreciate us for all we do. But it rarely works that way. All along the way, their struggle for independence is hard because one minute they want to do everything themselves and the next they just want to be taken care of. This push-pull starts with the two year old who screams for the blue plate when you give the green, then doesn't want the green either and melts on the floor in a puddle of indecision and frustration, to the eighteen year old who won't listen to any advice without a roll of the eyes yet always wants you around just in case. It's the wrestle between attachment and separation. We all want both, but on our own terms.
As the quote above states so well, we all must find our own truth. Wearing someone else's never feels quite right. As "good" parents, we believe it is our job to impart the Truth to our children. We advise, direct, worry, and project what we would do in any given situation. The primary struggle for independence is to fight our Truth and discover their own. Our children need to learn from their own experience and there is nothing we can do that will convince them to learn from ours. How strong their fight has all to do with how willing we are to let them learn for themselves and how much support they feel from us to do that.
Each time your child, at whatever age, resists what you say, tell yourself it's the fight for independence. If the struggle seems hard yet reasonable, you're probably allowing it to happen at an appropriate pace. If it gets ugly, if there is name calling and lots of attitude, it may mean you are holding on a bit too tight and the struggle must turn to a fight. It also may mean that your child is feeling afraid and doesn't even realize it. That fear may express as difficult behavior. If your assumption is that she is defiant, disrespectful, and makes everything about her, you will be in for more and more fighting. But if your perception is that her struggle is hard and is naturally egocentric because she is facing the unknown and doesn't yet know how she will fair, then your understanding and compassion will carry you through with the least resistance. As Kahlil Gibran says in The Prophet, "...their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams."
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question, and I answer it right away. Then it goes in a newsletter at a later date. But you get your answer much sooner than its appearance in the newsletter.
Q. Our 18-year-old daughter is really testing her boundaries — and ours C and our 15-year-old daughter doesn't understand why we don't "punish" the older girl when she pushes back and pushes buttons. In fact, the younger girl, who is very sensitive and still very much a "mommy's girl" gets very upset whenever the household isn't in perfect harmony. How can I help the younger sister understand some of the changing dynamics so she is neither frightened of the changes going on nor angry at her big sister for upsetting her parents?
A. There are two issues here: One has to do with how you are conducting the separation/letting go with your 18 year old and the other is how to handle the 15 year old's concerns. The first will strongly affect the second. If the elder's fight for independence is pushing your buttons so that you are holding on too tightly and getting a lot of resistance and anger (one feeds the other), your younger will likely think her sister is doing something wrong. Listen to the elder's agenda, take seriously what she wants, and try to negotiate. Let her know you want to work things out even if it feels like you're "giving in." At this point, relationship is first priority. You don't want to lose her. Stay as calm as you can and try to find a balance between what you both want. Your younger daughter's worries may have a lot to do with her temperament. If she is very sensitive, she will have a hard time with yelling and anger. Try something like, "It must be hard to see your sister going through what she is. It's hard for us too because we love her so much and want her to be happy. Remember the two of you are very different people. We don't want to punish her because we want to build understanding with her. Punishment won't do that. But it must be very hard for you to see her so angry." Be sure she can tell you about her feelings without you fixing it or advising her. Stay as neutral and as understanding as you can. She will be learning a lot about what she will and will not want to do when she is older. But you don't want her to compensate for her sister by being "good" to make you happy.
Q. My 10-year-old daughter is getting very disrespectful and calls both my husband and me stupid a lot. She has this attitude that really pushes our buttons. This is all new behavior for her. What is going on with her?
A. Ten seems to be the age when many children who have been "good" and done what was expected suddenly start feeling their oats and reacting to what has possibly felt unfair for a long time. For many girls this age, hormones are beginning to be active as well—seems earlier with each generation. It sounds like she is toying with what will happen if she puts you down. Probably she has felt put down in the past (rare is the child who hasn't, since we criticize and blame on a regular basis) and she's giving it back. The good news is that she is not afraid of what will happen if she does. The fear factor is what typically kept all of us from ever behaving that way. The tough news is that she is giving you the cue to start growing up with her. When you are feeling calm and not even close to angry, I would try something like, "I've certainly been hearing that I'm stupid a lot lately. While I don't like being called stupid, I wonder if you're trying to tell us what you're mad about. I want to hear what feels unfair to you these days to help us both out." If you wait much longer, you may get a tirade of grievances, but at this point, I bet she'll respond reasonably. Take her seriously and listen. Perhaps write down some things she says. Then negotiate. You might offer that it is hard for you to let her grow up yet you know she would probably like to be more independent. This could be a rich time for some good discussion. Remember, don't take her behavior personally, get to the root of what is provoking it, and the "stupids" will diminish.
Stories from Readers
This is from the mom whose letter was in the last newsletter. She had found her son at his dad's house with a girlfriend, and he had lied to her about where he was. She was angry, and he hadn't communicated with her in 7 weeks:
My son dropped by a few weeks ago. We just held each other and cried, not saying much. Then he went back to his dads. No communication during the week but then he came back again. Since then things have "warmed up". We have had short conversations about that night. He is thoughtful, gives me kisses and hugs goodbye. We have resolved a few more issues as well. It has been so nice to have him back and thank you for reminding me to see his viewpoint. It has made such a difference.
News
Other than classes and clients, I am focusing on my second book right now. I would love your help. The second half is on handling everyday life. I would like to have your stories (both successful and unsuccessful) about getting out the door in the morning, mealtimes, chores and allowance, school and homework, and bedtime. My stories are of 2-12 year olds. I will change names and possibly some details to put it in context. Give me as many details as you can. Know that your stories will help someone as hopefully someone else's stories have helped you. Please add a statement of permission to use in the book along with your name. I may put it in the newsletter as well. Thank you!
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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