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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 20 - Discipline vs. Punishment Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers Stories News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose Thanks to all of you who responded to our survey. We learned that many of you prefer plain text and many the full HTML version — so we are sending it both ways in a brand new format. If you cannot receive HTML settings, the newsletter should default to text only. Let us know how you like it and if you have received it the way you want it. For those who have not yet responded, we are compiling a database and would like address information for as many of you as possible, so just hit reply to this newsletter and send us your information. This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. See below for ways to order. Thank you. Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children's ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story. 2. Discussion of key points – Gratitude I had a question from a reader that I think is worth discussion here. At a dinner party, the reader and her husband heard stories from two elementary school teachers about several of their students who behave disrespectfully toward them. Since that discussion, the husband has expressed concern that their parenting style may be raising children who do not have respect for authority because they are not using time-outs or other punishments. Our reader argued that they are building respect with their children because they parent with respect, and their children will in turn respect others. Her husband asked why so many kids are disrespectful. Is it that they have no discipline? It is true that disrespectful, selfish behavior seems to be reaching epidemic proportions among children today. Why? is a good question. I do not have all the answers but there are points worth considering. First, discipline does not mean punishment. Children NEED discipline. We can respect them by empathizing with their feelings and agendas all day long, but if they are not held accountable for their actions, or expected to care about the feelings and needs of others, they will grow to feel entitled. I fear that too many parents today put their own needs on the back burner and allow their children to abuse them with words, attitude, and behavior. We fix their problems, we don’t allow them to experience disappointment, we want them to have every advantage, all to insure their happiness. But if we don’t set limits for fear of meltdowns, always give them what they want, and don’t bother to hold them to their responsibilities, they will develop a sense of entitlement, seek immediate gratification, and see themselves as superior to others—live outside the society’s rules. Children can have their opinions, be a part of decision-making, and negotiate what they want without parents giving in or giving up what is important to them. If our children kick us, swear at us, treat us badly, they are doing so because we allow it. If we allow it, they logically assume that others will too. But we do not need to punish them to teach them respect. Punishment may teach obedience but not respect. We must listen to what their behavior is trying to tell us rather than merely stopping it. If we ignore the root cause, the behavior will only intensify when they think they are not being heard. Paying attention to what lies beneath the behavior is respectful parenting. Empathizing with their emotions goes a long way toward teaching them respect for others, but we need to be firm in our demands of self-respect as well. Please let me know if there are specific aspects of the book you would like clarified or explained more deeply. 3. Questions from readers: Q. Can you offer some suggestions on helping my 8 year old learn to better handle situations when he shows impulsive physical outbursts? he's had incidences on the playground where he's been teased or lost at a game and has physically hurt others with punching or pushing. Otherwise he's a good student, happy kid. He knows that it's not acceptable to do these things — after the fact. He says he knows he should tell a teacher but forgets in the moment and lashes out. A. It sounds like your son has an impulsive nature. Control will likely come in time, but he will need consistent reminders. After a situation has occurred, go over it with him and ask him what he would do if he had the situation to do over. Instead of blaming him in any way, ask him what he thought of how it turned out (hopefully he will say he didn't like it) and ask how he wished it had turned out. Then ask him how he could have gotten there—so he does all the thinking rather than just listening to you telling him what he should have done. He needs to find his way to solve a problem, not your way. He won't want to do this, but this is the most effective consequence of his inappropriate behavior. Try role-playing where you take turns being both him and his "victim." You must stay detached enough so that he doesn't feel set-up. Ask him if he can think of a word or a phrase to say to himself when he feels like hitting that will remind him to say something instead of hit. He needs to understand that his desire is okay, his behavior is not. If he believes that he is bad for hitting, or wrong for feeling angry about losing, he won't want to tell anyone. Q. I'm in need of information regarding child development — specifically, age appropriate awareness — e.g. learning colors, character recognition, printing name/alphabet, and so on. I'm concerned that perhaps by being too careful to not push my son I may be risking him getting left behind. He's 3 years 10 months and does not know his colors, he can write the letter H and recognizes some numbers. A. One of the problems I see in our society is how much we push our children to excel and not trust their own innate learning processes. Baby flash cards, Mozart tapes, infant computer programs, etc., etc. are causing such stress among well-intentioned parents to get their children ahead of the game. Rest assured that your son will learn at the correct pace for him if he is engaged in a normal environment. When you are putting his clothes on, ask him whether he would like his red shirt or his blue. Play games with him about naming colors like "I Spy" with my little eye something that is green. Count the number of apple slices you prepare for him. There are numerous opportunities in everyday life to teach these things without special props or programs. If he is delayed in picking up certain things, pushing him will not help. Many children do not read until they are seven or eight without being considered delayed. I really don't think what you describe is cause for worry at this time. Q. I have a question about my 6 yo daughter who is very bright, an only child and adopted at 7.5 mos. from another culture. She has always been very jealous of other children that I am nice to and has an especially hard time with not just sharing but being polite to others that come to our home. It is getting better as she gets older but if she is overtired (or stressed), it is abominable to me to see her treating people so badly. It pushes my buttons, and I just want to remove her from the scene. I try to talk to her quietly, calmly and directly reminding her that we treat guests kindly. I am so affected by this now I am having trouble seeing what to do or what is really going on for her. A. This is a perfect example of how our buttons get in the way of our effectiveness. Your assumption is based on how you learned to treat others and how successful you were at it—I assume you are kind and accepting of others and did not have her difficulty when you were little. The missing piece is her first 7.5 months (X). Think of it like an algebra equation: X + her temperament = jealousy and difficulty accepting others into relationship with her mother. If her temperament is both sensitive and persistent and X represents a deep feeling of abandonment, then it stands to reason that it will take her some time to be able to be gracious toward others who feel threatening to her attachment to you. We do not know how sensitive she was to her first 7.5 months. But if you can put this equation into your thinking perhaps it will help defuse your button by understanding the logic of her difficulty. Your modeling and your continued calm and detached reminders of how to behave, removing her when her behavior is unacceptable and empathizing with how hard it is for her to share her mother will be enough, I'm sure, to teach her eventual polite behavior. Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories I will tell you, that using your strategies and really looking deeply into my past, I can feel a peace overcome me in dealing with things that usually get me angry. I know sometimes things get worse before they get better when utilizing different strategies and dealing with difficult behaviors. I really believe that is the period we are going through. And, I don't want to sound like my daughter is an everyday battle, because she isn't. She is just very strong willed and has difficulty in dealing with change, not getting her way and dealing with her sisters at times. But it is amazing, to see the differences (little as they may be!) in her, when I don't react like I use to when she has her outbursts. The outbursts and tantrums aren't as long or intense. She is really trying to calm herself, but I'm calm as well, which helps her. We had a successful pillow-punching incident when Gillian (6) and Mandy (4) were having a hard time with each other. Both children were feeling hurt and angry. Mandy being the more "physical" of the two had started to become physical with Gill. I then tried to re-direct this energy by acknowledging it and then moving the physical part to the pillow. I was saying things like "you're really angry aren't you, that would frustrate me to" and then I would encourage her to hit the pillow. I found myself sounding like a boxing coach. "Give it all you got!!!! Go on!! Get it out!! I AM SO ANGRY!!!" Gill, hearing the commotion came in, grabbed a pillow and started to participate so I upped the dramatics. After a few belts the girls stopped and stared at me as I continued and then they both broke out in hysterical laughter. My experience was that all of us doing this together resulted in, not only an emotional release, but also a sort acknowledgment that we get angry with each other and that is okay because in the end we still love each other and can move on. It was pretty amazing. I think the most valuable part is letting the child know it's okay, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or that you are bad. This happens in life and you can move through it and come out on the other end wiser, feeling better, understanding more about each other and ones self. To me that seems like such a valuable tool to be able to give to your child. 5. News I have started a new company, Bonnie Harris, LLC. I have a business manager, Kristin, who will be handling everything I'm not good at! She will be coordinating talks, workshops, engagements of any kind, and new ideas. You can reach her at kristin@bonnieharris.com. She will love to hear from any of you. NEWS!! When Your Kids Push Your Buttons is now available in a 6-CD set, read by me, with a bonus CD including all the exercises from the book in pdf form. The sets are $22.95 each, and they may be ordered by sending a check to the address below. As always, email me with any questions or comments! Until next time... Training certification for When Your Kids Push Your Buttons. April 6, 7, 8, 9 I will be conducting a training for trainers. Any parent educator, therapist, guidance counselor, teacher, pediatrician, etc. who would like to either teach the course or incorporate the theories into their own work is welcome. A training manual with handouts for parents will be included. Cost and exact times to be determined. Keep posted and let us know if you are interested. If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com