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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 12 - How do we take care of us?
Contents:
- Purpose
- Discussion of key points
- Questions and answers
- Stories
- News of upcoming events or announcements
1. Purpose
This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them.
What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. See below for ways to order.
Thank you.
Your questions and stories:
In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages.
Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story.
2. Discussion of key points – How do we take care of us?
A reader wrote in the following question: If we as parents are to show more patience, compassion, and understanding to help our kids grow mentally healthy and not feel shamed for having emotions, etc., what do you recommend for parents who need to learn to have compassion and patience with ourselves first? After all, buttons get pushed because of old, outdated beliefs we hold about ourselves that are so ingrained that a healthier alternative just doesn’t seem to stick. How long does it take to let go of the old and re-learn and hold onto healthier beliefs? It’s very hard for me to teach my kids via my own actions if I’m having a hard time re-learning myself. It’s like doing two things at once when I’m not ready.
This is such a good question that I felt it deserved being a key point. It plagues so many of us, and is the reason many parents give up this journey and go back to the old ways. It’s just too hard to change. It seems impossible. I don’t know how to do it. Why bother? It takes an enormous amount of consciousness and energy to stay on top of things all the time. I wish there were 5 magic steps to self-fulfillment.
The same reader also sent me the link to an interview with a horse trainer named Bob Allen, whose work is right in line with what we are working on with our children. I highly recommend the site: http://www.spiritofmaat.com/archive/apr1/boballen.htm. His first quote is, Everybody knows how to make war to get things done. But we’re trying to teach people how to make peace to get things done. It doesn’t come naturally, either. Everyone knows how to make a horse afraid or mean or mad. Everyone knows how to make a child afraid, or mad and upset. That’s easy. We’re born with that ability. To do what I’m talking about, we’re going to have to learn.
Many of us get hung up when we think we should know how to do it differently. We read it, or someone tells us what to do, it makes sense, we want to do it.....but it doesn’t come naturally. We are in the business here of changing the way things have been done for so many generations that it’s almost in our blood. Our whole culture has trained us how to make war with our children to get them in line, do what we want, and make life easier for ourselves. But when we decide we don’t want to do it that way anymore, we are turning the tide. It’s not an easy thing to do. The first step is to realize this and give ourselves a break.
Remember to think back to the times when you felt small, misunderstood, unloved, or unworthy. See yourself and how you protected yourself—or didn’t—and have compassion for yourself as that child. You did the best you could, which was most likely herculean. Remember that your efforts to make yourself understood were probably not heeded and maybe you stopped trying or maybe you kept trying harder and got in more trouble. Think of one instance that you recall and talk to yourself with compassion and understanding. It’s amazing how that can change perceptions.
Next, what has always helped me, is to continually put myself in my child’s shoes and think, How would I like hearing what I’m saying? When we say things in words or tones that sound all too familiar but then take a second step back and listen to what we are saying (it’s that witness), it’s easy to identify with how our child is receiving it—It’s how we felt when we heard similar words or tones. Then either say, “Wait a minute. I didn’t mean it that way. I’d like to start again.” Or come back to it later when you have cooled down and say, “I didn’t like how I handled that situation earlier. I would like to rewind and say again what I’d rather say.” What makes this hard is the willingness to look like you have “egg on your face.” We have to be willing to be vulnerable, to go through the feeling that comes with owning up to a mistake. Or be willing to hear what we are afraid our child might say. When we learned as children that owning up got us in trouble, and the way to get around it was to never let anyone know we made a mistake, it feels intensely vulnerable to own up to it in front of our children—we’re supposed to be right, parents are not supposed to be questioned or talked back to. Mistakes were always criticized or punished. And our parents didn’t make any. To put yourself in the position of being wrong in front of your child feels weak, ineffectual, and out of control. But it is in fact, the strongest position you can take, and it teaches your child a very valuable lesson. We have to be the pioneers who change the mold. Put aside any preconceived notions of what you think a parent should or should not do and listen to your heart. The only way to real connection is through vulnerability. This can feel like a huge risk—a leap into the void.
I am convinced that there is no way we can suddenly become an evolved person first and then behave like one. I think it works the other way around. We first need to know and believe< in what we want to do (remain calm, empathize, change our assumptions, adjust our expectations, believe that our children want to be successful, stop criticizing and punishing and blaming) not who we want to be (much too huge and unrealistic a task). We have to want the new behavior very badly. Put on the behavior first and after awhile it will sink in. We need to practice it when it feels foreign and unnatural. It’s like learning a new habit or a foreign language. Start with easy situations. Don’t go for transforming the big blowups right away—they’re too easy to fail. When we don’t get immediate results, we need to have perseverance and not snap back to old habits because we think, well that didn’t work. That’s the easy way out. When we can change our reactions, our children will change theirs—not the other way around. And when we give them what we needed, I believe we can begin to heal ourselves and then it will come more naturally.
3. Questions from readers:
Q. I am unsure how to react to things my 3 1/2 year old says – like, “I’m gonna get a saw and cut your head off.” Or “I’m gonna kill you and chop you.” He says things like this to his little sister but also to me and my husband. Anybody really. I don’t know how to respond. Sometimes I choose to ignore it and other times I just tell him, “That’s not a nice thing to say and he is not to talk like that. I need some insight. I’m worried about giving him the wrong message.
A. Although none of us want to hear our children using violent language, it is our take on the language that pushes our buttons. We understand that language—the meaning of it—in a very different way than a 3 1/2 year old. He doesn’t know what the literal consequences are of chopping someone’s head off. He doesn’t even understand death yet. So the first thing to realize is that he is just playing with words and the power that certain words have. He wants to exert his power and make people pay attention to him and how powerful he is—nothing wrong with that. When you thoroughly get that and can let go of the fear that he loves the violence of it and can stop catastrophizing that he will be our next serial killer, you can step back and respond more effectively. When you tell him he is not allowed to talk like that, you give power to his words. Whenever we forbid anything, it’s like handing over a loaded weapon. They learn quickly how to push our buttons the next time they feel powerless. Find somewhere in between ignoring and forbidding like, “Wow, that sounds pretty strong. You can tell me what you want or you can tell me how mad you are.” Giving him attention is better than taking it away. It’s just what kind of attention to give. Keep it light. With his sister, first find out if it bothers her. We have to realize that certain things only bother us and we don’t need to project our perceptions onto our kids. If it does and if she is old enough, empower her to tell him, “I don’t like that.” Then see if you can help him find the words for his frustration or anger. He may be just playing in which case I might distract him with something like, “Oh yeah, well I’m going to tickle you until you tell me to stop!” And then get right into it. But you see how hard it is to do something like that when your button is pushed with you’re worried about future violent behavior. It’s a stage. Soon it will be toilet talk—very developmental. These stages pass on through. Don’t take them too seriously.
Q. My husband and I are having problems with our 15 year old. He wants to be left alone all the time and doesn’t want to go anywhere with us, even out to dinner. We’ve tried to encourage him but he is very stubborn and refuses to do it our way. He’s doing badly in school and his teacher says he doesn’t pass in assignments, prepare for quizzes or follow school rules. He will tell us his work is done. We have been trying to get him more interested in school but it doesn’t work. He says he loves school and his friends are doing very well. He complains that we have too many restrictions, but we can’t compromise our values. He says he wants us to leave him alone but how can we do that when we see him taking the wrong path?
A. Your son is telling you that he needs more independence, which he does. He is at the age where doing things with his parents is not cool. Even eating with you, especially if you are going to bug him about school, etc., is something he will not want to participate in. Most kids his age do want to be alone. Privacy is crucial. He has a whole life going on inside his head that you know nothing about, I’m afraid. It’s hard to let go, but his behavior and his words are telling you what he needs. You don’t have to compromise on your values to give him more independence. He needs it to learn how to make responsible decisions for himself. When he stays your little boy, he doesn’t get to grow up the way he needs to. He is showing normal development, but he is unhappy and resistant because he fears you don’t understand, and he’ll never get the independence he craves. With situations he must take part in, at least let him know that you understand this is the last thing in the world he wants to do. Tell him about something you had to do when you were his age and how you felt about it. So if you leave him alone on a lot of things, he will come around, with your understanding, for the things that are most important to you. Now he feels trapped so he is resisting everything. School reflects his unhappiness. Like so many high school boys, he is probably bored or uninterested. Adolescence can be crushing. I think with more independence (and that doesn’t mean you have to let go of everything) he will feel better about himself and perhaps do better in school. It is a very good sign that his friends all do well. Tell him what his teachers have said and that you want to know his side of the story and what he wants to do about it. See if you can facilitate him thinking about the situation for himself—not for you or his teacher. Let him know that it is HIS education and his responsibility. No one can do it for him. To give him that responsibility, you need to leave it to him. Guide him, support him, encourage him, but don’t force it on him. Letting go is the hardest thing most parents face. But we must do it gradually and gracefully so they can learn to stand on their own feet and make their own decisions—even when those decisions mean making some mistakes. Allow him to fall on his face once in awhile but stay close enough involved so that you can help him back on his feet.
Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out!
4. Stories
My 5 year old has been hitting and kicking her little brother, seemingly unprovoked, as I was sitting right there. I had talked with her many times about her negative feelings for him and how I understood that she hated him sometimes and that she could have all those feelings but she couldn’t kick him, etc. We worked on other ways to get her to express her feelings, like punching things that were okay. I continued to go at the problem from the perspective that she was mad at her brother and taking her anger out physically. But it didn’t stop. One day as I sat with my head in my hands feeling totally defeated, I picked up the Buttons book and read the chapter about Anna. I had a lightbulb moment when I realized she wasn’t trying to get at her brother, she was trying to get at me. Later that night when it was just her and me, we had a talk. I said that I had been thinking about why she continued to treat her brother the way she did and wondered if she were really trying to get my attention. She took a very deep breath, let it out and said, “Finally you figured it out.” It was like a balloon had deflated. I could actually see and hear the relief in her voice. We made a really deep connection and then we talked about how just she and I could spend some time together and ways she could let me know she needs me before she hit or kicked her brother. It’s been so much better.
5. News
My book has just been published in Israel. If anyone can read Hebrew, I have an Israeli webpage review of it that I would love to have translated. Let me know!
If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble.
Click here to Read Previous Newsletters.
Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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© 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com
