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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 43 - The Trappings of Fear
Greetings!
"We want the world to allow the unconditional fulfillment of all our aspirations,And since this does not happen, we fall prey to suffering. Our search for happiness is more often founded on our illusions than on reality. It is pointless to try to shape the world to fit our desires: we must transform our minds."
— Matthieu Ricard
Instead of trying to make our children more like us, perhaps we need to think about becoming more like them.
Discussion of Key Points: The Trappings of Fear
Too many kids seem to be checking out on life, blaming others for their own problems, and arguing why they should do anything they don't want. For many parents, it is an uphill battle to encourage cooperation of any kind. Where does this come from? Unfortunately, I believe it starts with the best intentions of very loving and caring parents. From the start we naturally do for our infants as they are helpless and require us to read every cry. But when they become walking, talking beings demanding what they want and balking at what they don't want, we get scared.
We fear they will become rude, disrespectful, and irresponsible. We fear we do not have what it takes to control their impulses. And we fear outside eyes watching us evaluating how we handle them. Out of fear, we try to take control. So we start directing and ordering and when they don't want to do what we want, we start threatening, blaming, and punishing. We create self-fulfilling prophesies.
It's a very scary proposition to trust that our little children really will be okay without so much parenting. After all, isn't it our job to see that they get on the straight and narrow? But because we are human, we project our own experiences and perceptions onto them and instruct accordingly. We tell them to do what we were told to do. We want to save them the pains of growing up that we experienced. We want them to handle situations the way we would if we were in their shoes. Some children do well with that. However, chances are your child is very different from you. Even if you have similar temperaments, it is a very different world.
And the irony is that even though we come down on them for behaving in ways we don't like, we seem to have a hard time enforcing limits-appropriate expectations of work and helping, time structures around screen time, boundaries around how we are spoken to and treated. I think it's because we are scared of them. We're scared they will argue more cleverly and fight back with more energy. We're scared of what we will do if pushed beyond our limits. And we're scared they won't love us.
I encourage you to spend more time watching, listening, and interpreting what they are about and less time talking at them and directing them. Once we take over instructions on how to do everything, they don't have to take responsibility because they know we will tell them or do it for them. Allow them to take some responsibility for themselves right from the start-it is much harder later on as so many of us know. Make sure you build into each day comfortable, connecting conversation so they know that coming to you will feel good. The younger they are the more they come to you for that; the older they are the more you have to make it happen, watching for those windows of opportunity. Don't use up all your windows for chastising.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer you directly. Your question goes in the newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep questions brief but include critical details.
Q. Mealtimes are hard with my 3 1/2 year old. He'll come sit down with us and have a couple of bites, and then he's up and running around again. I've developed a bad habit of feeding him after we've finished our dinner in front of a TV show he's watching. I know this is not a good practice, but I worry about him not getting the nutrition he needs if I don't feed him. What should I do? I've tried not feeding him after he gets up, hoping he'll get hungry. But he never seems to want to eat what we give him. He only begs for cereal!
A. Now is the time to break these habits. This is a perfect example of taking responsibility for your child in an area that should be his. But it is hard because feeding and nutrition is number one on the list of responsibilities for all parents. However, your son has already learned the lengths you will go to in order to get him to eat-so therefore he will go wherever he wants, knowing you will follow. An active 3 year old will be up and down at the table. I think it's a lot to expect of that young a child to sit still and eat a full meal. Make sure your table has food that you know he likes as well as what you want. Create a fun atmosphere at the table that entices him to be with you. Play games with him, keep the conversation inclusive of him, and never use dinnertime to talk about what he should or should not be doing. Once he knows that the table means being together with his favorite people in a way that is fun and stress-free, it will become the favorite part of the day for all of you. Do not force table manners, especially at this young age. They will come best with modeling. Encourage him to talk about what interests him, have food in bowls so he gets to serve himself what and how much he wants (don't expect him to eat all that he puts on his plate), and NEVER talk about what and how much he eats at the table. Create dinner time rituals like lighting a candle for each member of the family, talking about what was your best and worst of the day, saying one thing you are grateful for, etc. Then establish a rule that the TV does not go on until everyone is done. He may need to be done sooner than you, so he can play on his own. Remind him that the kitchen is closing soon if he wants to come and get anything. Make sure he has healthy snacks available throughout the day, allow him to determine when he is hungry and when not rather than you, and soon you will see him take over the responsibility of eating himself.
Q. My son is 8 1/2 in 3rd grade. He has had a lot of stress in his life with 2 moves to new homes/schools, and Mom & Dad arguing a lot, etc. He has had 1 1/2 years of vision therapy and wears bifocals and hated the daily exercises and weekly visits with the vision therapist. He has been bullied every year, by at least one or two kids in his class. We've worried that he could be a bully-magnet, as he wears his emotions on his sleeves and can be silly/annoying, not completely aware of social cues. We've talked with him about how to respond to meanness - walking away, using humor, asking for help from a teacher, etc. We have spoken to his teachers each year and they have been helpful. Recently he started 'acting out' at home and seemed more anxious and agitated than usual. I worked hard to get under the behavior to find out what was up, and one night he broke down sobbing. Eventually, out tumbled the latest bullying tale, involving a boy writing him mean notes and pictures of him shooting our son with bullets, writing "you must die". He was beside himself, begging not to go to school. He admitted being 'annoying' to the boy and making noises during class when the boy told him to stop. I wrote a letter to his teacher who took him aside and reassured him that it was her job to keep him safe and that he could talk to her if/when it happened again. She moved the boy one desk away. I asked her not to have a meeting with both boys, as I had read that bullying should not be dealt with by mediation, that it is not a conflict but victimization. So she just talked with our son but told him to give her the note if he gets another one, and she would pretend to have found it. Lately, he tells me he is not being bullied, that he just hates school. He can really build up to a dramatic, dark place. When I allow him to express these feelings for too long, he gets deeper into it. I remind him that right now he is safe and cozy and we can talk more later. He rebounds pretty well, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I took him for some cranial-sacral therapy for eye muscle relaxation. In a deep relaxed state, he moved his hands above his chest saying there were dark and light goddesses inside of him doing battle. The good goddess was trying to control the bad one. I wish he didn't feel things so intensely, so his life would be easier (and mine?). There's a lot of lightness and humor in our house and a lot of snuggling and connection. But why so much pain for him? And should he see a therapist?
A. Having a deeply sensitive child is not an easy parenting road. I've been there. As far as therapy - Ask him if he would like to have someone to talk to about all his thoughts who isn't his parent. My daughter jumped at that chance when she was a couple years younger than him. I doubt if it would help if he is highly against it. You could offer one session and then let him decide if he wants more. It sounds like you're doing a lot with him giving him the support and validation he needs. As far as his pain, you must remember that you are not responsible for it and have little control over it. His description of the battle between the dark and light goddesses indicates to me that he is probably haggling with inner demons that many kids aren't in touch with. I would work with him on brainstorming ways to empower the light goddess - role playing, drawing, reading, buying something that represents his light goddess. Have him give her/it a name, ask her advice about the bully, ask what he would say if he could use her voice. Ask him to describe what would make a bully ignore him, and then pretend to be an actor and role play with him. Both of you take turns being the bully and him. So much of this reminds me of the pain and darkness my daughter experienced. It has diminished, but my daughter remains a very deep thinker. She is not the happy-go-lucky, roll-off-her-back kind of person. She gets stressed about things that I would love to see her let go of, and sets very high expectations for herself. But she is amazingly mature and can process her own thinking and problems so quickly it boggles my mind. So know there is an up side to this. He will get through it. Just keep supporting him and try to let it be okay. It's his path, his journey - you will never be able to see it completely from his point of view.
Q. I have a strange situation that I need insight on. Five days ago we tore up the wall to wall carpeting in our living room, which I knew would upset my 6 year old son. But he is really upset and crying everyday about the missing carpet. He says it holds all his good memories and he really wants to convince us to put it back in or to keep it in the basement. Tomorrow is dump day and we are taking it to the dump. How can I make this easier on him? He also will take down a picture if I hang something new up. He cried a lot over throwing away an old chair. He hates change!!!! My husband and I are being patient but we have our limits and he is pushing them. The crying and the talking about it goes on and on. Please, do you have any insight?
A. Be sure you are acknowledging seriously how hard it is for him to let go of what he is used to and that many people have a hard time with changes. Also that many people are the opposite and want changes all the time. Ask him what he thinks that would be like. Could he even imagine how strange that must be! I know how easy it is to have your patience worn thin but remember it is his problem and not yours to fix or to change his mind. The less you think you have to DO about it (keep the carpet, make him happy, etc.), the more compassionate you will be. Let him know that it is okay to feel as sad as he does. Explain why you are changing the carpet, what your opinion is about the picture on the wall, etc. and let him state his opinion. Suggest cutting a piece of carpet for him to keep/keeping a square in the basement. Let him pick the section with the most memories. Ask him to think of how he can gather up his memories so they don't go out with the carpet. What could he put them in? If feasible, you could say that the carpet is coming up but you will keep it in the basement (or a section of it) until the new carpet is in, and he feels more comfortable with it. Then mark a day on the calendar when it will go to the dump. He should go with you if possible. Then see if he is willing to "transfer" his memories from the old to the new carpet. You may think this is enabling his holding on, but that will ease (probably not go away) in time. And it will ease more readily when his concerns are taken seriously-not given into.
Stories from Readers
Story One: My 13 year old son has always had an unpredictable temperament. He is often easily frustrated with a quick temper. Growing up in a home where anger was not expressed, I used to be frightened by his displays of strong emotion. I would often catastrophize (sometimes I still do), "If he can't handle the simple problems of childhood how will he ever cope as an adult". Last week he was having trouble with his math homework and began yelling at his brothers and swearing. I could feel myself becoming stressed and was tempted to yell back to leave his brothers alone and calm down. "What's wrong with you!" was on the tip of my tongue. He anticipated that reaction so when he saw me coming, he ducked his head and had his hands halfway to his ears when instead I said to him, "What is the best thing I could do when you're feeling this way?" His hands stopped in midair and he looked at me with this incredulous expression, because I didn't react as he expected me to. His 15 year old brother who witnessed all of this, looked at me, raised his eyebrows and smiled as if to say "Wow!" My son's anger immediately dissolved and he spent the next 15 minutes with his head on my shoulder as we figured out his homework together.
Story Two: I wanted to pass on a reference related to a couple of last month's stories on eating. The book is a classic in the nutrition field, and it's called "How to Feed Your Child, But Not Too Much," by Ellen Satter. She was a pioneer of the concept called division of responsibility in feeding, which means that it is the parents' job to decide what to serve and the manner in which to serve it (ie, timing, place), and it is the child's job to decide how much, and even whether, to eat, which places the burden of nutritional quality on the parents, and the recognition of their own body signals on the child. It's a great read; a central theme (handled very subtly) is that much of what parents perceive as their child's diet problems are actually issues with parenting (or the parent's own issues with food). She has written many books on the subject, but I think this one is one of her best. (I agree. This is the best book on eating issues and taught me much about the problem. I wholeheartedly recommend it.)
News
I now offer paypal payments for phone coaching and "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" CD set so credit card payments are possible. Use the highlighted link or go to my website on the books and CDs page or the phone counseling page under services for parents to find the Paypal button.
February 1-3, 2008 in London. I am giving a professional training in The Effective Parenting Workshop for parents of 1-5 year olds If you are interested in attending or in setting up a training in your area, email me at bh@bonnieharris.com. There is still room. You can check out more information on my website. Click services, for professionals.
While in London, Wednesday evening Feb. 6, I will give a talk on "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" at Norland Place School. For info, contact Charlotte Iselin at charlotte_iselin@hotmail.com.
Locally, I will be leading an 8 week class, "When Your Kids Push Your Buttons" at The Family Center in Peterborough beginning Thursday morning March 6th. Contact The Family Center at 603 924-6306 or email Tamara at thuston@thefamilycenter.us.
This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us.
What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003).
In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children's ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away!
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
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© 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com
