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	When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 11 - Undermining Beliefs Contents: Purpose Discussion of key points Questions and answers – Running low. Keep them coming! Stories – None this month. We want to hear how you’re doing! News of upcoming events or announcements 1. Purpose This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. I answer readers’ questions and give stories of how these new ideas effect their parenting lives. Hopefully it will help the “swimming upstream” struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. If you are a subscriber, then I’m assuming that you are working consciously to parent in the most effective way you can. What others expect of us, together with what we learned in our childhoods about ourselves and our parents is often a sure-fire setup for getting our buttons pushed. My hope is that the book and the newsletter will help you trust both you and your child and that you are able to learn what your buttons are and how to defuse them. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). It’s now out in paperback for $14. See below for ways to order. Thank you. Your questions and stories: In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children’s ages. Keep in mind that most readers think I have more questions than I can answer, so they don’t ask. This is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! And when something works, we all get a lot out of hearing your story. 2. Discussion of key points – Undermining Beliefs When we were little children, we heard what our parents said to us, interpreted it with our child mind, and decided what our parents thought of us—and thus what we believed about ourselves. Children don’t question what their parents think, they question themselves. The value we perceive our parents place on us is the value we place on ourselves. It’s like a spell. If I heard mostly accepting messages of unconditional love, those messages cast a good spell. If I heard things like, “Why can’t you ever listen and do what I say just once?” “Who do you think you are anyway?” “How can you be so mean?” “Just sit down and be quiet, I don’t want to hear it!” etc., etc., I interpreted those to mean that I wasn’t good enough, that I could never do it right, that I was a loser—a bad spell. We live under those spells for way too long. Our parents didn’t intend to teach us that we weren’t good enough. The intention was probably to behave. Immature understandings as they were, we allow them to drive a lot of what we do in life. We choose our careers, our spouses, how we relate to others based on how we see ourselves. Those are our weak, vulnerable spots—our buttons. When we have children, they aim for those sore spots again and again. What we do with them is our choice and our responsibility. We have all kinds of great expectations for our family. Often we choose our expectations based on reactions to our childhoods. If I was expected to take on the responsibilities of my family because I was the oldest girl, my father was never around and my mother was narcissistically involved only with herself and her needs, I might decide that my children will not have to do what I had to do. So I’m not very clear about setting limits on their behavior or expecting household chores to be done. But when mornings become chaotic, rooms are a mess, and I think, “They don’t care about anything,” my button goes off big time. I am allowing my belief about myself—Everything falls on me, No one else can do it, I have to do everything—to undermine my expectation—My children will be allowed to be children—and I end up resentful and angry when my children can’t take care of things on their own like I did. I might choose a perfectly appropriate expectation that says, I will respect the individual needs of my family. If my needs were respected as a child, if this was modeled for me, I will be able to listen to my child’s argument with a detached respect for her problem and empathize with her point of view even if I don’t agree. But if my point of view was rarely acknowledged and I grew up believing that my needs are not important, I will likely get angry and frustrated with my child’s arguments thinking that she’s out to win and wear me down. And because my child knows my button, she will keep at the argument until I do break down. So what do we do. We can’t rewrite our past. But we can be conscious of it and not keep reacting blindly to our children, blaming them for being too noisy or too messy or whatever else is an inconvenience in our lives. When we pay attention to what is motivating our reactions, we have control over our behavior. When we go on automatic, our behavior has control over us. 3. Questions from readers: Q. I have an 8 year old daughter who has become increasingly shy. She always uses the excuse of being shy for not doing things such as: going to a birthday party, playing soccer, which she loves, trying new things. She is active in church and has always joined in church and school plays but she cannot do the offer collection at church anymore because she is afraid. She loves music, dancing and wants to play the piano but she does not want to take lessons even when I offer to go with her and just visit a place to see if it looks interesting to her. She cries and melts down. I am concerned that fear is going to take over her life. She used to be very outgoing and loved to do new things like school vacation camps which she now cries and refuses to go to. We tell her that if she becomes interested in something that she wants to try that we will support her and that we don't want to force her to do something that would make her feel uncomfortable. How can we be sure that fear will not keep her from being a healthy growing girl and what can we do? A. You’re right not to force her into something where she would dig in her heels and resist even more. That fine line between a supportive push and letting her find her own way is a fuzzy one. It may be the stage she is going through. Eight and nine can be hard ages for some kids as they are trying to find their place in their social world. You might check out the Gesell books, Your Eight Year Old, and Your Nine Year Old. It sounds like you are talking to her appropriately. If you think she is really dropping out and refusing to do anything outside school and home, you could offer her a choice. Let her know you want her to be involved in one new thing, and she can choose what that is. Maybe if she knows that it only has to be one thing, she can do that. She may be picking up on your fear and think that you want her to be doing all the things she used to. After she is successful at one for awhile, you might be able to add something more. The important thing is to validate her sudden reluctance, let her know that it’s normal, and tell her that you don’t want her to get in the habit of shying away from everything, because it could get harder to get back in the swing. So you would like her to pick one thing. You can make a list with her of all the things she has enjoyed in the past or expressed interest in and guide her in choosing one. The other thing is to understand what’s going on. If she has a meltdown, wait until she has calmed and let her know you really want to understand what it is that seems to be frightening her. See if you can guide her through looking at what is her worst case scenario in each situation. Maybe if the two of you can role play it or talk it through, it may help. Q. Thanks so much Bonnie for answering my question about my sensitive 10 year old. You gave me some good advice. I do try to be understanding at first, but he doesn't like to talk about how he is feeling or why he is mad when I ask him to do homework he knows he has to do. A. Lots of kids feel patronized when we do the “feelings” talk. It’s very important to stay on top of the level of your child’s language. We have to get more and more sophisticated with our empathizing, otherwise they are suspicious of what we are up to. And children this age really don’t want to talk about feelings. So we have to get at it from the back door. First, don’t expect an answer from him. When you make statements instead of questions, they can just listen. “I know you hate the homework time. It stinks, and you’d probably rather jump off the roof. I remember actually trying to get my dog to eat my homework once.” Keeping it light helps. Find out when would be the best time for him to do his homework and where he wants to be. Make it as kid-friendly as possible. Offer a cup of tea, milk and a cookie, music. Many kids concentrate better when they have music playing. Allow him to try doing homework with headphones and see how he does. The point is to make is as comfortable as possible—that means NO nagging about it, it’s HIS job to do it or not do it—and to let him know that you know it’s no fun. Talk about how he feels at school when he has it done and when he hasn’t. Which position would he rather be in? Let him know that it is his job and his choice when and how it gets done. Q. I pick up James, 5, from school, and Stuart, 7, launches into a diatribe about how stupid his younger brother is and taunts James that I have ordered equipment for him for an afterschool activity that is not offered at James' school. I tell James I will be happy to spend $16 on him on an item of his choice. Luckily James is not feeling volatile. I warn James as we go into the house that Stuart is in a very bad mood, and he needs to ignore him until he eats. Before Stuart has finished his snack he gets angry at James who is getting praise and attention for a story he wrote at Kindergarten. Stuart runs over and punches James hard. James bursts into tears. What do I do? A.This sounds like a bad case of jealousy. I’m guessing that Stuart has probably felt usurped by James from the beginning and has never treated him very nicely. I’m also guessing that you find ways to compensate for James because he seems to get the raw end of the stick. When you do that, you set up the next sibling battle. There is no reason for you to spend $16 on James just because you got something of equivalent value for Stuart. Stuart needed the equipment for his program. James, I’m sure, will get something when he needs it. When parents fall into the “treat the kids equally” trap, rivalry can get fierce. Everytime you get anything for one, the other then calls for his quota. The taunting that Stuart gave to James shows that they keep close score. I would suggest that you get what is needed for each and when the other gets upset and wants his share, let him know that he will get what he needs when he needs it (notice I said need, not want). If he screams, understand that his anger is because of what he has come to expect—you evening the score—not because he is a selfish, greedy child. Acknowledge his anger, he has a right to it. After all you are now choosing to change the rules. Let him have a meltdown and when he is done, tell him that you know it’s hard because you are changing your behavior, and it will take him awhile to get used to it. He may scream that you’re not being fair. Acknowledge that you know it doesn’t seem fair to him. Try not to let it push your button. If it does you’ll give in. I strongly suggest getting out of this trap now while they are young. It will be hard for awhile but worth the agony when the rivalry settles down later. Please let us know if the answers to your questions are helpful. If not, ask again and send me more information. We’d all like to hear how things turn out! 4. Stories None this month! 5. News I am quoted in both February issues of Good Housekeeping and American Baby. When Your Kids Push Your Buttons was in the top ten of the NY Post’s best parenting books! If anyone is so inclined, I would love more reviews of my book on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Click here to Read Previous Newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. ^ Top © 2008 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com