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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | January 2012 |
Lesson: Hugs Reduce Stress
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This Sunday, NY Times columnist Nicholas Kristof, sited a two decade long scientific study by the Academy showing the long term, harmful effects on society when we turn a blind eye on the problems faced by young children. From the stress children feel when their parents abuse alcohol and drugs, to direct abuse or neglect of children, to a child crying and not being comforted, stress comes in all shapes and sizes.
Stress arises for a child when that child senses a threat and there is no one to protect him from that threat. Children who experience this kind of stress in the early years, even prenatally through mother's hormones, "...are more likely to suffer heart disease, obesity, diabetes and other physical ailments…also more likely to struggle in school, have short tempers and tangle with the law."
The Academy has issued a policy statement that includes, "Protecting young children from adversity is a promising, science-based strategy to address many of the most persistent and costly problems facing contemporary society, including limited educational achievement, diminished economic productivity, criminality, and disparities in health."
It's pretty ironic that we need science to tell us what is common sense, but thank goodness this is finally coming to the forefront. So what does it mean for each of us?
We can't always control (nor should we) the environment for our children. Death and loss, natural disasters, accidents, an ex-spouse's choices, disciplinary measures at school, hurtful remarks and bullying are all beyond our control. Nor should we be hovering and protecting our children from growing up. Many of the circumstances children find themselves in can be toxic and traumatic, but when they have a protective factor to turn to safely, namely a parent who understands, listens, and accepts, a child can deal with and learn to make sense of most experiences.
What is involved in providing that protective factor against the perceived threats our children experience? For one thing, we must stop threatening our children. This is the #1 tactic used by parents to coerce children's behavior. "If you don't…, then I'm/you're going to…". In order to be the sounding board our children feel safe to come to with all their cares, they must trust that we will never pose a threat to them. If they have nowhere to turn for an understanding ear, they will turn exactly where we fear.
When we remain stuck in the old mindset of punishments and consequences for inappropriate behavior, we forfeit our child's unconditional trust and force them to turn elsewhere. An article on the Huffington Post this week sited research showing that extensive physical and verbal punishment puts children at risk for behavioral problems and lying beginning with three and four year olds. We need to find a better way, and I believe that better way is Connective Parenting.
Punishment is never necessary. But what do I do instead? Even parents who have spent years learning connective approaches easily fall back on the old mindset when behavior gets tough and they get to the end of their ropes. It is so tempting to take away computer time and cell phones, send kids to their rooms, etc. It only makes children mad. And if it works, they behave ONLY to get that cell phone back. Sneaky, conniving strategies are the result, and connection is lost.
What to do instead - problem solving:
- Do nothing in the heat of the moment.
- When emotions are calm all around, work with your child on the situation. This must be insisted on, and this is where parents fall down. The biggest trap is the desire to move on and forget about it.
- Discuss the problem, own what part of it is yours, "I'm really concerned that you don't take me into consideration." "It is not okay when you call me names and tell me I'm stupid."
- Acknowledge that you know your child doesn't like what happened any more than you did. Always trust your child's desire to be successful.
- Work through the situation until an acceptable solution can be agreed on.
- Don't expect the solution to work next time. It is a cumulative effect. DO work on it again until the behavior is gone.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
Resisting School
Q. My daughter used to love going to school and I wouldn't have to yell at her 10 million times, but this term she has a new teacher and she does not want to go to school. She says the teacher is giving them really hard work. I have been trying to encourage her by telling her the teacher is challenging the kids but she seems to be falling behind other friends in her class who are excelling and loving the new challenges. She seems to be falling behind and loosing her confidence and not wanting to go to school. So every morning is a struggle and my once happy go lucky child is crying, upset, not listening and does not want to go to school. I have been trying to help her with her work and encouraging her but it is not working. Do you have any quick advice?
A. It sounds like your encouraging is meant to get your daughter to understand that the teacher is challenging the kids. This is not encouraging to your daughter. Especially when accompanied by yelling at her resistance. What she needs is complete validation of her perspective — understanding that she doesn't like it that her teacher is giving such hard work. We don't want to validate the negative things our children say because we are afraid they will get negative about everything. We think it's our job to motivate our kids to think positively. That's fine if we're giving them information they didn't have so they can think differently. But your daughter needs acknowledgement for her point of view before you can connect and make progress. "So she's giving much harder work than your other teacher did. That must feel really confusing. I can understand your frustration about this. Especially when it seems like other kids are loving it and you're hating it." That lets your daughter know she is normal for having the feelings she has and helps her calm and feel heard. When she thinks that you're trying to get her to understand her teacher, she feels alone and wrong. So be 100% on her side first. Then, "Are all the other kids doing the work? Do any feel the way you do?" to get her talking about it. Then ask her if she would like you to talk to the teacher about the work being too hard. Don't ever jump in to try to solve your child's problem without asking first. If she says yes, you might ask her if she would like to join you and tell the teacher how she feels. She'll probably say no, so then ask her what she would like you to discuss with the teacher. You can problem solve with her only after validating that you wouldn't like this situation either. Engage her in finding the solution. Perhaps she would like to have a tutor. But for her to feel encouraged she needs first to feel understood and then to be part of finding a solution.
Trust and Respect
Q. Given our kids ages 15 through 21, could you describe for me what mutual respect looks like. And can you describe how you view trust and how it is developed when teens are not acting trustworthy. We thought it might be helpful to have an outside opinion on the matter to develop a more consistent approach.
A. Trust, mutual respect and balance are the cornerstones of a strong healthy family. With children all at the stage of desperately wanting independence yet still dependent on the life-line of family for the basics, these values can hang by a thread-but must remain strong. What is most important is for parents to stay trustworthy, steadfast and relatively calm amongst the craziness of teen angst. Think of yourself as the mountain around which these tornadoes are storming. Do not get sucked up in the storms but stay as rock solid as a mountain. Not easy. Mutual respect does not mean mutual agreement. Underneath mutual respect lies empathy-the capacity to see the other's point of view and understand that their agenda is just as important to them as yours is to you. When we get reactive to what the child wants and does, empathy goes out the window. With angry reactions, blame and criticism, we send the unintended message that you are wrong, I do not approve of you, you are not good enough. When those messages are sent often enough, kids tune out, resist or implode and no longer trust those who do not understand them. Insecurity sets in and kids behave badly in that insecurity. It is so hard yet so necessary to keep believing in your child no matter what.
Anything negative your child does, especially at these ages, cannot help but feel like a slap in the face and a reflection of how you have brought them up. All those old beliefs, probably from your own teen years, about how children must do what you tell them rear up and yell loudly. And fear for their safety is huge, not to mention realistic. All of that undermines what may have felt solid when your children were young. Influences from outside your contained family plague parents all through the teen years. Teens may be trying on different personalities to find out who they are and what they want. If they don't feel comfortable in their own skin they will keep searching until they do--a longing we all have. But in that search, they need us to be the ones who they can count on to remain constant—which is why I do not believe in "tough love". This doesn't mean letting them do whatever they want and not caring. It means that your limits and parameters must remain in place but MUST grow and change with them.
Acceptance is paramount. We need to accept whatever they present to us to be effective with dealing with each situation. Acceptance does not mean agreement but understanding of why or how something happened. Most of us do not accept and that puts their need for belonging at risk. That is what creates the battle. That in a nutshell is all they want from us, from anyone-acceptance and belonging—which is why they look elsewhere for it if they don't get it at home. Our trust is in their potential, in who we know they are capable of being underneath whatever the behavior might be. If the behavior is "untrustworthy", they are likely unsure of something from us, and are saying, Do you trust me now, do you trust me now; how about now? We have to remain constant in our trust of who they are and what we know they ultimately want for themselves. When they know we trust who they are and their capabilities for finding themselves in this world, then how we respond to their behavior will be less reactive, will be understanding of the problem they are having, will be respectful of the person we know is hurting. We must treat their wrong-doing as mistakes in judgment rather than "untrustworthy" failures. Then how we deal with the behavior will come from that inner place of connection rather than rejection. From that perspective, exactly what we choose to do or say almost doesn't matter.
Sharing and Hogging
Q. My three year old has a very big issue with sharing and hogging. She has an 18 months sister who is not allowed to touch anything. I understand that my daughter still is having a hard time with her arrival, she has to share me, she doesn't get to have me all to herself, she doesn't even get to read books alone with me and on top of it all I am three times as tired, have to do a lot more chores, can't play with her at the drop of the hat, and she doesn't get to have all of my adoration just for her. I still feel really guilty about that. At first I thought, fair enough the toys were hers, so I opted to buy my youngest toys for herself. I told my eldest and explained before we bought anything that I was buying for her sister so she doesn't have to touch hers. She agreed but once the toy is bought she wants to have it and play with it. She gets so angry and hits me when I try to give the toy back to her sister.
A. Your 3 yr. old is not developmentally ready to share or understand that what she agrees to one minute must be agreed to another minute. So every time she is expected to share, she will resist because she feels confused and misunderstood. The reason your 3 yr. old is holding and grabbing and being super vigilant about her things is that she is afraid she is in a losing battle. You know all the reasons why she is upset but don't acknowledge them when helping her. She is very afraid of losing her connection with you, her time with you, her old self, everything that was available to her that seems no longer. Some flexible kids can take a new baby in stride but others are more sensitive to the fears they have about what the baby means and instead feel like they have been thrown under the bus. Also you may to be letting her call the shots in a way because you feel guilty. It sounds like you are walking on eggshells, a common occurrence for parents with such strong-minded children, but are trying to get her to change so that you can feel better. The trick here is to accept her just the way she is. Expect that she will not be able to share her things but do not change your life to accommodate her. Explain to her that toys are for taking turns. Get a timer and let her know that when the bell goes off, it is time to change. Then you be vigilant. Don't expect that she will be able to switch willingly. When she grabs or screams, gently and lovingly carry her away and say, "I know you really wish that were yours. You want to play with it very badly." Acknowledge her feelings without adding, 'but' this is what you have to do or understand. Do not punish, blame or threaten her in any way. That only increases her fear. Do not either allow her to take things from others or force her to share. It's the middle ground where you accept the fact that she is having such a hard time, acknowledge her feelings and comfort her, but do not allow her to take control. She is hitting you because she sees you as a threat rather than an ally. She needs to know that you understand her and are not trying to make her different. She is telling you with her behavior. Your work is to connect with the way she feels about the situation rather than to try to change it.
Stories
In the past few weeks your words about sibling rivalry have stayed with me. My boys continued to fight, and I tried to stay out of it. I noticed that my younger son came to me much less then I had been going to them to break up what I thought was a bad turn in their play. I also noticed that the older child had a reputation of being great with the younger siblings of his friends, so I heeded your advice and let him know that I had noticed that. I talked to him about specific details that other parents had noted-that he made the kids laugh, he was very patient, he guided them away from danger…and over the past few weeks I have noticed that my boys seem to be fighting less! Perhaps you helped me let go of my blame, or let go of worrying about siblings as an only myself, perhaps you persuaded me to trust my younger one to take care of himself and the older one to know when he was going too far… I think it's the combination of all of the above! My older son has definitely heard my specific praise of what works. He caught my eye and winked at me the other day when he made the younger one laugh! Thank you!
My seven year-old daughter was diagnosed in December with ADHD. Kindergarten and the first half of first grade were very difficult for her. With the help of her wonderful teachers, I have been proactive to do whatever it takes to help her. Although the medication she's taking is helping significantly with her learning, it is not (and I don't believe ever will be) the complete solution to this condition. With the help of the school principal, she has qualified for section 504 which will provide accommodations in the classroom. I have contacted the school counselor and learned about a great support organization called CHADD and attended a meeting with an ADHD guru and many parents who also want to help their children. I left the meeting feeling empowered and relieved. Many of the suggestions given are similar to what you advise in your books. I feel the same way when I read and apply your wisdom.
Information
Contact:
Bonnie Harris, Connective Parenting
email: bh@bonnieharris.com
phone: 603-924-6639
website: www.bonnieharris.com
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© 2012 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com