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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | December 2009 |
Lesson: Being Right vs. Being Present
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Parents often feel at a loss when they don't know what to do, when what's "right" is not apparent to them. It feels weak and scary. But this place of doubt, the space where you just don't know, where vulnerability lives, is a place of opportunity--one never found when we must be right. This is your teachable moment, because you are present. Your agenda is not dictating right or wrong. The only problem with this place is when you allow it to fill you with frustration and fear because you think you have to have the answer in order to maintain a power and control position with your child. Bertrand Russell once said that the trouble with the world is that stupid people are cock-sure and smart people are full of doubt!
Imagine feeling confident in not knowing. Imagine not engaging in the power struggle. Imagine saying to a child who is demanding what he wants and telling you what to do, "I don't have an answer for that" —not in a defeated way but in a calm and assured way. It can bring everything to a halt. The fight does not happen if you do not engage. Your child can relax; you can relax. Then you can work it out together. You're declaring that you want peace, not conflict. Then acknowledge, "You really want what you want, and I'm just not sure. Looks like we need to talk about it and make sure we come to an agreement that works for both of us. Tell me again what you want and why you want it." In this new space, your child will feel listened to and heard. He won't have to fight for what he wants. He will likely be more rational. You can listen and then state your case. "Hmmm. I hear what you're saying. Here's my concern/desire… How can we make this work for both of us?" When you are both calm and rational, agreements are reachable.
There seems to be a movement among many parents to follow Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer's techniques with their children. There are definitely problems when we assume that children and dogs think alike! But Cesar's approach for the dog owner is a good model for parents. One night a parent was watching him deal with a particularly difficult dog and saw that he looked at the situation as an opportunity. He said, "This is good." In an article in the NY Times, this parent was quoted as saying, "This is good? Did I have that attitude as a parent? Was I focusing on the positives, the opportunities? Did I remember to take a deep breath, to be calm and assertive when dealing with a frustrating situation? I realized this was something I really needed to work on. And once I did, I saw a difference right away. Our son was calmer and more responsive. During those times when he did act up, being calm and assertive helped me deal with the misbehavior in a positive way and left me feeling a lot less stressed out."
Tips:
- Take several deep breaths instead of reacting with an "I'm right" attitude.
- Think: This is an opportunity, a teachable moment if I stay calm.
- Take your child seriously even if she is angry and defiant.
- Acknowledge what you see as her determination.
- Tell her you don't know what your answer is.
- Take the time you need to think it through.
- Ask her to tell you again what she wants.
- State calmly what you want or don't want.
- Ask, "How can we make this work for both of us?"
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
3 Kids and Noise
Q. I seem to have a very low threshold for noise and stimulation. So when my boys are asking me something, I am trying to cook dinner and my little girl is shrieking (for example), I feel like I want to be violent. I often explode with a scream, myself, and then hate myself later. I don't want to model this kind of behavior, but in the moment, I really feel like I could die.
A. Many parents I talk to have noise sensitivity--just like some kids do. The anger issue is one that probably runs deep. I would suggest sitting down with your kids when things are calm--in the car, before bed, etc. and tell them in a heartfelt, concerned way how you hate your reactions when things get loud and overwhelming. Tell them what you know about your temperament—that noise and stimulation (specific kinds) can overwhelm you. Ask them about what gets them feeling the same way. It could lead to a wonderful talk about everyone's temperaments. Create a noise meter with them on a scale of 1 - 5. Have them help you establish the noise levels. Tell them to get really loud and call that a 5. Practice silence— that's a 1. Then have them try out various levels for 1.5, 2, 2.5, 3, 3.5, 4, and 4.5. Use your hands to demonstrate or draw a meter. Practice so they expect you to tell them what # they have hit. Then you can say, "My noise-meter tells me it's about 3.5 right now, and as you know, I start to lose it at 4. Can we please bring it back to 2.5 for awhile." I think when judgment is dictated by the meter readings, it is easier for them to respond positively, and you can stay a bit more detached.
Toddler jealousy
Q. I have a 22 month old daughter who has always been very active, sensitive and hard to warm up to other people. My daughter and I co-sleep as I follow attachment parenting principles. 6 weeks ago we had a second child. The first week was ok but from the second week on it has been increasingly difficult. She frequently scratches or pokes her little sister on the head and has bitten her twice. She pulls my hair and bites me as well, and it's driving me crazy. I have sorted to smacking three times, time out a few times, yelling…all of which I hate. I have tried calmly saying, No!!! be gentle like this! And will show her how to pat or kiss her sister but she is still being aggressive. Dad doesn't support attachment parenting so during my pregnancy he tried to get our daughter to spend separate time from me, but he works long hrs and is too exhausted to bath or change nappies or play and doesn't have the patience to lay with her till she falls asleep. She always wanted me. My pregnancy was hard as I had morning sickness for more than half the pregnancy and mild through out. I was very tired and cranky, spent less playtime with her and was grumpy with her for her trying behavior. I know she feels left out and doesn't get the attention she is used to. How can I help her transition well and stop myself from reacting in negatives ways towards my child?
A. Your toddler is jealous. She is too young to understand how you can love her as much as before and fears that her sister is taking you away from her. This is natural for a young child. The problem is, we don't understand the importance of validating these feelings. We try as you have to get her to pat and kiss and "be nice" and "love your sister" and "don't do that", etc. Your anger arise when she doesn't meet these unrealistic expectations. What your daughter needs to hear is how hard it is for her to have to share her life with a sister, how angry it must make her that you spend so much time caring for her, how frustrating it is because she's too young to play, and how much you bet she wishes her sister would go back where she came from. We fear putting ideas in their heads, don't know how to deal with their sad or angry feelings, so we deny their feelings. Then they fester and get expressed in inappropriate behavior and then we put all our attention on their negative behavior. You are in effect telling her that she is wrong for feeling the way she does. She is confused and angry with you for "neglecting" her and for loving the baby more (as she sees it). Give her some choices about what she can do while you breast feed like cuddling up with you while you read a book to her. When she gets angry at her sister, try, "Of course you're angry. You don't get to have me all to yourself anymore. I'd be mad too if I were you. You'll feel better as you get used to having a sister, and when she can play with you. She will always look up to you because you will ALWAYS be her big sister." In addition, tell her the story of her birth and the story of the baby's birth from her perspective. Light a candle and tell her the flame is your love. Use that flame to light another candle. Show her how both flames are just as strong, explaining that love works the same way. Don't expect or require love and kindness toward her sister. It will come more readily when you don't. And find ways to include your husband in all of this so he is not outside your inner circle. It sounds like there is some resentment that your children will pick up on if not addressed.
Seven-year-old resistance
Q. I'm trying to discover the roots to my 7 year old son's behavior but am at a loss. Already today I feel like a failure. The trouble starts when he encounters things he doesn't want to do. After eating only a bowl of noodles for lunch, I tried to persuade him to eat the eggs too because they are good for him, but he refused. He started to hurt me by pushing my arm into the chair, and pinching my nose, which I said was not allowed. I asked him why he was doing it. I don't know what the proper response was, but I knew I needed to stop him. I could not see why he was so angry. After this he continued to order me around...ex: you should put my socks on so I can go out and play… and when I tried to put sunscreen on him he said "NO WAY". Calmly explaining that he would get a sunburn without sunscreen in July had no effect. Also he refused to brush his teeth. So out the door he went to play. I just sat there, wanting to cry feeling like everything was out of control. Do I just hope that after he has cooled down later he will come around? I feel like I should have kept him inside until he brushed his teeth and put on the sunscreen. But isn't that considered punishing?
A. Your son doesn't like to be told what to do! It will help if you adjust your directions to be more respectful of that — nothing wrong with not wanting to be told what to do. It has to do with temperament. If you tell him to eat his eggs because they are good for him, you are telling him to do what you want so he feels directed. Doesn't work for kids like him. My advice is to never talk about food after it is served. He doesn't care that eggs are good for him. My guess is that his attempt to hurt you is due to built up frustration over being told what to do. Say firmly, "I will not allow anyone to hit/hurt me, and I hope you will never allow anyone to hit you." That balances it. Own how you feel and don't blame him or ask why he did it. Acknowledge, "You are very frustrated with me (or whatever you think). I understand that. Tell me how you feel without hurting me." Or if both your emotions are high, wait until you are both calmer. Then acknowledge, "You must have been very angry with me to push my arm. It's ok to be angry, it's not ok to hurt me. Let's try a do-over and tell each other what would have been better to say to each other." He continued to order you about his socks because he still felt ordered. With something like that you might make an agreement, "Tell you what. I'll put your socks on when the sunscreen is on and your teeth are brushed." Again he doesn't care about sunburn - that's your problem. "I know you don't like this stuff on you. I'm the one who cares because I don't want you to get sunburned. It's my job to protect you." Kids are usually more responsive when they don't feel blamed for not doing what they don't want to do. Or make it his choice. "I understand you hate sunscreen/brushing your teeth. I don't blame you. Your choice is to put it on or stay inside. Which do you choose?" If he runs out, go after him and say, "If you don't make one of those choices, I will make it for you. Do you want another chance to make the choice?" The more you give him power to make choices the more it will feel fair and logical to him. It takes time to gain confidence in yourself. Keep at it!
All questions are encouraged and I especially need questions about age 11 on through teens.
Story
I was working to meet some pressing deadlines and suddenly my 10 year-old son arrived home way earlier than expected, hungry and tired after a long, hot day at camp. I wanted to welcome him lovingly, but I was worried about my deadlines, about when I was going to feed him and spend time with him. I simply couldn't. I couldn't get over my own anxiety. I rattled off a string of conflicting, confusing instructions: "You can't use the computer because I need it, and you can't watch a video in the living room because even a low volume will disturb me, and I can't cook dinner for you now so you can have a snack and then we can have dinner later, so go and help yourself to a snack while…" He stood in front of me, made clear eye contact and calmly said: "Mom, if you give me too many instructions at one time I can't follow any of them. Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it." A little while later, when I had made a dent in the work I had to do, was feeling calmer myself, and totally proud of my son, I went into his room where he was reading and told him how awesome he'd been, how appreciative I was of his understanding, and I thanked him for staying calm and influencing the tone of our evening. He smiled at me and said "It's ok, Mom, I just did what you do when I'm having a hard time." Thank you Bonnie, for giving us the insight, the tools, and the self-awareness that made it possible.
Upcoming Events
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From Power Struggles to Problem Solving: Transforming conflict into agreement
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I've Tried Everything and Nothing Works: From Power Struggles to Problem Solving
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Information
Contact:
Bonnie Harris, Connective Parenting
email: bh@bonnieharris.com
phone: 603-924-6639
website: www.bonnieharris.com
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