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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | December 2008 |
"We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people."
—Arthur Schopenhauer
Let's parent our children in such a way that they never have to forfeit any part of themselves. To do that we must allow them every bit of themselves while they are young.
Lessons: Holiday Expectations
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So much of our parenting is made up of projected feelings, expectations, and experiences from our past. Unaware, we look to our children and do or not do what we always wished for, what we hated, what we loved. We assume that they are just like us and will want what we thought we wanted. For instance, we might overparent because we felt neglected and wished we had parents like the ones we are now trying hard to be. But our projections never quite translate to the needs of our individual children. Nor do they reflect what we really needed at the time. As a neglected child, you needed a parent who merely took the time to be interested in your life, not one that micromanaged your every move.
If you showed disappointment, even anger, about not getting a present you wished for, or felt bored or depressed after all was over, were you shamed for your feelings? I don't want to hear that! After all I've given you...! or If you can't say something nice, don't say it at all, or You should be grateful, there are children who get nothing, you know. Shamed and guilt tripped into believing you were bad, you stuffed your feelings, began to pretend and put on the masks of perfect people that so many of us wear believing we are not good enough without them. Now you expect your children to do the same. Or you go out of your way to make sure your children are not disappointed, because you don't want them to experience what you did or have meltdowns or feelings you don't know how to handle. Especially with tighter budgets this year, your children's disappointment is a real possibility. How will you handle it? Will you allow it or will you do everything you can to avoid it?
What you probably didn't get as a child when "bad" feelings reared up was acknowledgment and understanding. It's so simple to do and so much easier than putting on those masks and barking out the traditional criticisms hoping you can scare the feelings away. But we are too afraid of indulging our children's negative feelings and turning them into spoiled brats when we understand. Exactly the opposite is the result. We all want to be understood for feeling what we do. Children are no exception.
When your child has a meltdown in front of grandma over a present she hates or didn't receive, take her as calmly as possible into another room, allow her to get out her tantrum and tears, and then let her know that her feelings are okay and normal. It's hard when it doesn't turn out the way you want. Everyone experiences that, it's no fun. You really wish you could have gotten that game. No need for explanations about how much it cost or how important it is to be appreciative. Just let her have her feelings without shaming her for being human. After connection has been made, she will be ready to do whatever needs to be done. If she said something hurtful to grandma, What would you like to say to grandma now that you're feeling better? You can certainly feel disappointed at the same time you appreciate her efforts. You can always tell me how you really feel.
When children are allowed their feelings and know that you understand, their gratitude will flow much more easily. When they feel forced to be who they're not, gratitude is unnatural. And when you allow them the experience of disappointment-as real a feeling as happiness-they learn to handle themselves much better in a world that will be full of disappointments. And they won't have to wear a mask to protect themselves from it.
Is there a subject you would like me to write about? Let me know.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details. I'd love some questions about older children - don't want to lose those readers!
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A. If you look closely, I think you have answered your own question. You are very giving in your way of being giving-serving others. Do not minimize that. It doesn't work to try to get your children to be giving in the way you think you should be. Model for them how you feel comfortable giving. You can certainly tell them your story-that you always thought you should give away things of yours to others and that you are not as good at giving gifts or money as you would like to be. Own how you feel about all that, perhaps that you got it from your mother and hope not to pass it on. And remember that a four-year-old is utterly egocentric and will have a hard time giving away anything she still wants. Unrealistic to expect her to be a giver at this age. Serving as a family at the homeless shelter or including her on visits to your friend at the nursing home-watching you doing what you love and feel comfortable doing-is where the learning and values will come.
Q. Is there an appropriate age to allow a child to have a cell phone? My husband and I have not let our twelve year old have one. However, most of her friends do-she is going into 7th grade. The only reason she would need a phone would be to reach me or her father in an emergency. Of course, she really wants the phone because it's an accessory. She asks me at least once a week, often screaming and yelling when I say no-she even threatened a hunger strike if she doesn't get one. If her friends are really mostly communicating via cell phone and texting, are we at some point depriving her of a form of communication that is relevant to kids her age? It's the same issue I have with instant messaging-we don't want her doing it, but that's the way her friends communicate. At what point are we doing them a disservice by not letting them have the technology their peers have?
A. This is a very complicated question. I will give a longer answer than most by including some material I have written for all ages. There is no right or wrong answer to whether or not you should give your child a cellphone or when is the best age. I would consider a number of factors and have some serious talks with your child before buying one. Here are some tips to follow when the topic arises and consideration becomes serious:
How old is old enough?
| Each child is different. It is good for you to evaluation the responsibility of your child. Some are more able to take on responsibility than others. Don't set your child up for failure if you think your child is not ready for that responsibility. For instance, if a 7 or 8 year old keeps losing the cellphone and you get furious and punitive, your expectations are unrealistic. | ||
| • | If your child is still of an age where she is mostly in the company of adults, then her priority is for accessorizing, keeping up with peers, and texting friends, which can be quite expensive. How do you feel about that? What kind of risks does this pose for you? | |
| • | For tweens, you might consider a phone that is only for calling you or a certain few in an emergency. Perhaps you maintain control of the phone giving it to your child only on certain occasions. Text messaging options can be turned off by the carrier. | |
| • | If your child is older and alone or in transit a lot, safety and being in touch with you may be the deciding factor. | |
| Discuss the priorities and determine what they are with your child. The more neutral and less judgmental you are, the more conversation you will illicit from your child, thus the more information you will get. When this kind of conversation goes on you will learn how important a cellphone is for communication between friends and whether or not you are being unrealistic in this day of technology. | ||
| Suggested Rules for Cellphone Use: | ||
| 1. | Discuss all of the above and then shop together for the one that meets the needs you can agree on. There is a wide variety from pay-per-call to family plans to ones with educational games. | |
| 2. | Research phones and plans on your own and decide specifically what you are willing to pay per month. This will differ according to the priorities you have established. Then you can leave the choice to your child. Does he want to pay whatever extra costs are incurred out of his allowance? Go over the situation from a financial standpoint and let him know what kind of payments he might be looking at-the expense of texting, additional minutes, certain ringtones, a lost phone, etc. Saying yes to the phone but no to additional costs gets your child involved in the process. This discussion alone may discourage him from going further. If he does, and if you are consistent and clear with these rules, he may learn some important lessons in finance. | |
| 3. | Once a phone and a plan have been decided on, discuss the use of it. What hours can friends call and be called? Can the phone be used during meals, homework hours, etc? Once permission has been given for the phone, you have good leverage to set the parameters for its use. Again, if you have strict rules for it, you can maintain a good amount of control while your child is young. | |
| 4. | Consider a GPS tracking device on the phone so you know where your child is. This may put a damper on the whole idea from your child's perspective. | |
| 5. | Make sure cellphone etiquette and rules are clearly understood and agreed to. No talking in the direct company of others, leave a group of people, restaurant or store to talk in private, no talking while driving, turning them off in movies, following school rules, etc. | |
| 6. | Discuss earphones or hands off devices to keep the phone away from the head as much as possible. Keep conversations short for this reason. Texting may be better for potential radiation risk. | |
| 7. | Once everything has been clarified, write a cell phone contract with your child. This insures that all conditions and rules are written and understood. | |
Stories from Readers
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II. I was telling someone that my fifteen year old daughter has been telling me off from the day she was born, as I have often. She heard me, and later when we were alone she said, "I know I've been difficult, and I am sorry, but I just didn't know any other way to be." My heart melted, I don't want to say that to people anymore. But her saying that made me feel so good, that I must have done something right for her to be able to say that.
Happy Holidays!!!!!
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