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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | November 2009 |
Lesson: The Power Struggle
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My definition of a power struggle is two children the same age out to win. When we engage in a power struggle, it means we have to win or we lose power, which means our child must lose. When the child feels powerless, his behavior will reflect that. Either he is used to powerlessness so he finds it through dependency on others, or he must fight harder and louder to get it. Daily life is exhausting.
When your children are demanding and defiant, they are fighting for power. Our fear is that they want it all and we will have none. Not true. All they want is their share. Personal power is everyone's right, but we fear that if anyone else has power, we will have none. So we become demanding and defiant-our fight for power. The pendulum swings back and forth. Our job is to find that middle ground where power is in balance-relative to age.
A balance of power means that no one in the family holds all the power and no one is powerless. It's the middle ground, the gray area, where people are not always right or always wrong-it's an uncomfortable place for some. The parent always remains the authority figure in charge of decision making, however, in a democratic system, that decision making is informed by the rights and opinions of everyone in the system.
Fear of power in an adult who had none as a child or saw it wielded in a harmful way, may cause a parent to give over power to their child, holding little for themselves and having little self-confidence. Children will take it when it is up for grabs but do not feel safe if their parent is not in charge. Which is why a child will not leave you alone if you have "lost it" and are trying to get away to calm down-he has to be reassured that you are back in control. With personal power comes confidence and security. Power shared means a balanced relationship.
When power is reeking havoc in your home:
- Give your children choices. If WHAT they do cannot be a choice, HOW they do it can always be a choice. From whether they want to stand or lie down for a diaper change, to whether they want to do their homework or get a bad grade-the choice can be theirs. If they have to go to the doctor's, they can feel really angry about it or decide they're taking care of their body and will just get through it — their choice.
- Allow negotiating and arguing. When your child makes a strong case for something, a win goes a long way toward self-confidence. But when you know your answer is no, use your own power to be clear and stop engaging in a prolonged argument.
- Resist the temptation to "know what's best" and tell your child what to do, say, and think. Help them to problem solve a difficult situation with questions that lead to their own answers. But be careful not to have an agenda, trying to lead your child to the outcome you want, or your questions will sound suspicious.
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
2 yr. old impulsive behavior
Q. I am having trouble getting my two yr. old daughter to stop scratching and lashing out at her friends completely unprovoked. I understand this is caused by an emotion - possibly that she would like them to play with her. I understand that validating her behaviour is important, however what if the true reason for that behaviour is different to my views? I could suggest that I understand that you want your friend to play with you however I know that you know it's not right to scratch them - so how do you think you could get your friend to play with you next time instead of scratching them? Great, if my guess at the reason for her scratching is correct, but not that useful if I'm wrong. Also, let's suppose my assumption for the behaviour was correct, I wondered if my suggested response would actually be too deep for a 2 year old (who can't verbalise her response to my question ie. suggestions for getting her friend to play with her next time). Help!!
A. At two, your child's stage of development is of paramount importance in setting your expectations. She is extremely impulse. She cannot tell herself "no", even though she knows scratching is not okay, and stop her impulse. She also has no concept of delayed gratification—it will be another year or so before impulse control and delayed gratification can be expected. Many children this age, naturally tactile in nature, hit, bite, push, etc. when they mean no harm. It can be their way of saying I want to play or Don't do that. If another child looks like a threat to her--wants to play with her doll or has something she wants, etc.—her impulses will overpower her self-control and she will scratch or hit to get what she wants. You do not have to worry about teaching her to stop this. Simply pick her up and remove her from the scene, saying calmly, "No, scratching hurts Mary. Let's go over here and see what we can find." At two, don't worry about hitting the motive on target. By all means say, as you have suggested, "You really want to play with Mary/You don't want Mary to have your toy/Maybe you're afraid that Mary will get into your stuff." But the important thing to understand is that she is incapable right now of controlling her impulses. Keep telling her and removing her but don't react with blame or anger. She will outgrow this.
10 yr. old sibling put-downs
Q. I am perturbed by a pattern I see developing with my two grandsons. The older is 10, the younger, 6. The 10 yr. old is generally a gentle, kind, extremely intelligent child. However, with his younger brother, he is often unkind and insulting to the point of seeming to me abusive. His mother is upset about it and has talked to him, but he continues calling his brother retard, dumb, or saying I really hate you. I don't think, nor does my daughter, that punishing the older boy will stop this behavior. He simply will continue behind her back. What I wonder is how to strengthen the younger boy, who I fear takes these insults seriously, believes he has personality faults and is an unlovable boy. He adores his older brother and has told me that his brother hates him. By the way, there are many times when they interact quite pleasantly and the older can clearly be a loyal brother. I recognize that the 10 yr. old is pre-adolescent and full of his own anxieties, but I wonder if the second child can be protected somehow.
A. I absolutely agree that punishing the 10 yr. old will not help. His retaliation would worsen. I would suggest a two-part plan. One is for his mom to have a heart-to-heart with him when emotions are calm and her attitude can be open, curious, and objective. She should let him know how his remarks of retard, dumb etc. are affecting his brother telling him that his brother has said that he thinks he hates him. Then acknowledge that she is sure he doesn't intend for his brother to feel this way (instilling her trust), but that he's simply letting off steam. But that what may seem minor to him can land on his brother a very different way. Then ask him if he can think of a different way to get out what he needs so his brother doesn't take it so hard. Again, it is most important that she stay completely objective with no blame or judgment involved so he will trust her. It is only through neutrality that he will be able to hear her message as intended. For part 2, she can talk with the younger boy and explain what she sees happening and how hard it must be for him to hear these words. No questions, just acknowledgments. Then problem solve: "What do you most wish you could say to him when he calls you names?" Let him get it all out. Then ask, "What might you be able to say the next time he does it?" Work with him to come up with something that feels right. Don't expect that he will be able to do this in the moment. But allowing him to go through this process with her, especially if he is able to vent his worst feelings, will be empowering in and of itself.
Response Question: I think she might get stuck when she asks him what he would wish to say "when he calls you names." This boy is more likely to be speechless and say he doesn't know and would desperately like to have an idea. And then I wonder if one could suggest things - though I myself would be stuck for an answer or afraid that I will plant ideas into his head.
A. Your daughter could address him with something like, "Pretend you could say whatever you wanted to your brother when he calls you a name and nobody would tell you not to. What would you LOVE to say to him?" If he is still quiet, your daughter could recall a time when someone upset her and say what she would have loved to say: "If I could pretend, I would say to him, 'You are so mean and hurtful! Why can't you understand how mad you make people?'" That might give him permission or incentive to say something. That way she's saying what she would have wanted to say rather than putting words in his mouth. She can certainly add that she knows it hurts his feelings and put words to that.
Response: Actually I used this approach with a particularly resistant young boy who is in treatment (note - this grandmother is a therapist) and is very secretive and reluctant to talk. With no hesitation, after I had introduced the theme as you suggested, he told me he would like to be a huge bird and peck at his brother's head. "Peck peck peck," he said, looking really mean. And then he pretended to be a lion who would eat his brother. After that he was more expressive and more vital than he has been in months.
18 yr. old pot smoker
Q. My 18 year old daughter is a very talented artist. She struggles with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and has now discovered that she likes to smoke pot! She has been using pot (as far as I can tell) for about a year now. She is to graduate from High School and has not really made any plans for the future. We keep encouraging her to quit smoking pot and give herself a chance of making it in the Art World. She thinks we are overreacting to her 3-5 day per week habit! HELP! She insists that she is too careful to get arrested!
A. It sounds like your daughter has done well coping with her ADD to be graduating. Her artistic talents must sustain her and will give her direction with your support. But maybe not right away. I imagine she has struggled in school and perhaps needs a break for the time being. Obviously do not condone her pot smoking but be realistic and realize how little control you have over an 18 year old's habits—especially one that probably makes her life feel easier and better than it ever has, unfortunately. The strongest influence you will have now is to remain her greatest ally. Let her know, as you have, that you have real concerns about the pot smoking—giving her facts about its effects on the brain, etc.—but that you know she is the only one who can make decisions about herself now. Then trust and appeal to her own best interests. "I trust that you are looking out for yourself, and I only want to help." You can tell her the dangers in terms of the law and what she must be most careful about, but own your concerns. "I worry that…, My concern is about…" NOT, "You cannot do this." When you let go of what you think you still have control over, she will be more available to your influence. Focus on her plans. Ask her if she thinks a gap year might be a good idea—a needed break from the amazing job she has done for the past 12 years. Focus on how much she has accomplished rather than on what she is doing wrong. Support her artistic abilities and discuss art schools. Ask her if she would like you to help look into art schools and perhaps visit some. But she truly may need a break. Follow her lead on that. We get so caught up in wanting our children to stay on the track we think will lead them to success, and it's usually a fast one. Whenever they waiver or appear to get off track, we panic. What she needs most right now is your love, support, and unconditional acceptance. The more she trusts that, the more her pot smoking will remain experimental and temporary. Don't give her reason to fight you with it.
Let me know how these suggestions work with more questions or stories.
Story
Thank you for the great advice about talking back. I appreciate the way you always bring light to the topics that we worry about most as parents. My son is almost 8 years old and this has been an issue for me. I have immediately seen positive results in his attitude and behavior now that I'm not overreacting to his "talking back". He's such a good kid. Really, when I simply think of him as a good kid and look for the good instead of waiting for the next thing he's going to do to bother me or his little sister, my attitude changes. I'm amazed at how much I place expectations on them that are so unnecessary! I am blessed with two sweet kids, and I love them just the way they are.
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Friday Jan. 15, 2010, 9:00am - 2:00pm
Transforming Power Struggles to Problem Solving
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