"I find your approach to family issues so enormously helpful. I love the word curiosity that you use. So different from the kind of forceful demanding of answers and interrogation we use when we want to engage a child in a conversation but lose him on the way. You have become a household name - I have 6 grandchildren and their parents all know about the Buttons woman who I quote again and again."
— Grandmother and therapist
"I just wanted to say I love your newsletter! I enjoy receiving it and reading your thoughts and the experiences of others. I have read many books on raising children, and truthfully, yours is the one that speaks to me the most. Thank you for your efforts and dedication."
—mother of three in NH
"Bonnie, I love your insight and advice and your piece in this newsletter EXACTLY describes my situation with my oldest child."
— mother of a twelve yr. old
"I've been subscribing to your online newsletter for awhile and really enjoy the letters and your responses."
— parent of a fifteen yr. old
"I read your e-newsletter every month and just from reading these, I've gained a lot of insight."
— mother of 5 _ and 3 yr. olds
"I just want you to know how much I enjoy reading your newsletter. It really keeps me reminding myself of what is important."
— parent of 7, 10, and 11 yr old boys
"Wow, what can I say but a big thank you. Your explanation was very clear and made perfect sense. It makes such a difference to understand what is going on inside our little ones mind. A big learning curve for my husband and I but one we are eternally grateful to be on!"
— parents of a two year old, Australia
PHILOSOPHY
SERVICES
RESOURCES
Buttons Book
Confident Parents Book
Monthly Column
Newsletter
Compact Discs
Parent Workbooks
CALENDAR
MEDIA
CONTACT
SITE MAP
HOME
Click here for this month's Questions & Answers, click here to read previous newsletters, or click here to see upcoming events.
Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | November 2008 |
"Never Let Yesterday Fill Up Today."
—anonymous
Being willing to let go of what has been and start fresh in the present moment without holding onto the past is the mark of a highly evolved parent. Do overs give us that opportunity at any time.
Lessons: The Do-Over
|
 |
Don't you want to raise children who can admit mistakes and take responsibility for their words and actions? Doing a do-over with your kids teaches exactly that. You can go back over something you didn't like about your reaction as well as giving your child an opportunity to say or do something different after emotions have cooled. Children always need a second chance and a lot can be learned when that chance is offered. Later that day or the next, bring up an unsuccessful situation and offer a do-over. "Let's go back over that time when we were so mad at each other. If you had it to do over again, would you change anything? Here's what I would do differently."
Imagine if your parent came to you today and offered an apology for something that happened between you years ago? Even 30 years after the fact, thoughtfulness, vulnerability, and caring about what happened can heal a relationship. So a few hours, days or even months after the fact can work wonders on your relationship with your child. It's never too late. That is if you are willing to admit your mistake and be vulnerable in your child's eyes. Unfortunately too many parents aren't willing because they have to "stand on principle." If I said no, it would send the wrong message to change my mind. Wrong. It would model exactly the behavior you want your child to develop.
Without a lot of heaviness and remorse, try something like, "I've been thinking a lot about how angry I've been getting at you for fighting with your sister. As much as I don't like the fighting, I don't think I've been paying attention to your side of it and understanding how angry you must be feeling toward her and me. I don't want to send you to your room anymore, because I trust that we can work this out and all it does is make you angrier." Imagine the conversation and the problem solving that could emerge from that admission as long as your child trusts that you mean it. That part may take awhile. Once you have shared your feelings and reassured your child that you really do want things to change, you can call on him to put in the effort as well. Just be careful not to fall back into the blame/reaction cycle. You have to be prepared to really listen and to know that the behavior you don't like is rooted in his emotional state that is causing an obstacle for him and making it difficult for him to behave any differently right now. Once he has your understanding and help, he can behave differently.
Imagine a conversation with your teen: "I've been feeling put down lately and I'm worried about our relationship. I imagine it's all part of you growing up. It's hard for me to realize that you don't need me so much any more. It's happened so fast for me and I probably haven't done a very good job at adjusting my expectations of you as a teenager. You probably think I still treat you like a little kid. And I imagine you hate still having to follow our rules. Instead of speaking rudely to me, I'd like us to figure out how to make this new relationship work better for both of us. Maybe some adjusted rules are in order." There's no guarantee that either of these types of conversations will change your relationship or that your child will even listen. The point is that you are doing over the "I'm right and you're wrong" mindset that most parents find themselves in and that most children resist.
The keys are 1) owning your problem (worry, feelings) and not blaming it on your child and 2) making an offering to your child-something she will like hearing, i.e. no more time outs, being listened to, new rules that she will have a part in making. To stick with the old blame/reaction cycle will leave you with a frustrating, exhausting relationship. To open up may feel week, but it's the most powerful thing you can do as a parent.
Is there a subject you would like me to write about? Let me know.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details. I'd love some questions about older children - don't want to lose those readers!
|
 |
A. The good news is that he does well outside the home. That means he has a great foundation. Expect that he is going to refuse or be stubborn and not want to do what you ask. That way you will not get overly frustrated when he refuses. He refuses to help because he doesn't want to and will use missing his dad as a way to punish you for making him do it. For a 5 yr. old, this is not abnormal. Try not to assume he is "being bad" but acknowledge that he is having a hard time doing what he doesn't want to do. Let it go and come back to it later. Try not to use the word "chores". Tell him that you'd like his help with something. Then ask him if now or in a few minutes would be better (if there can be a choice). That way you give him some control. His intense reactions may be telling you you're expecting too much for now. Asking for his help when you are carrying bags of groceries or putting food on the table or clearing plates, etc. are good things for him to be helping with now. I think he's a bit young for expected regular jobs like putting his laundry away. Although when you bring it into his room, you can do it together. Try to make it fun and not chore-like. Maybe it becomes part of the bedtime routine and you can count or play music while you help put things away. Getting him into the habit of helping will be a better lead in to more regular jobs later on. If he continues to hate what you are asking of him now, you will have a harder time later. Check out the chapter on chores in my book, Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids for lots more ideas.
Q. I'm hoping you can advise me with my 9-1/2 year old daughter's perfectionistic tendencies. I'm wondering if her innate nature is preventing her from 'succeeding' in this particular area: cutting her own food. Since she was about 3-1/2, she has desired pancakes for breakfast every morning. I found that for the sake of expediency, a pizza cutter worked well to cut the pancakes into little squares for her so she could eat them. Now, approaching 10 years of age, I want her to take this task on herself and have been urging her to do so. I suggested the pizza cutter, but when she went to cut the pancakes herself, she said she couldn't do it, she only dented them, but couldn't cut them. I happily showed her how to use a knife and fork, but because they didn't turn out into perfect squares, she broke down into tears and cried "I just can't do it". I get dramatics...either crying and weeping, or dramatic gestures of tearing them with her hands, the pieces scattering across the table and the facial expression to match. We tried offering her a financial incentive, which didn't work either. How do I ease her into trying something new? Whenever she tries something for the first time that doesn't come out perfect, she falls apart and berates herself for not being 'perfect' the first time. I'm tired of 'lecturing' her with 'practice-makes-perfect'. She probably just feels attacked and I don't think it's very effective. She was the last child in her class able to tie her own shoes because she would just give up. When I praised her for the progress she made even if it wasn't 'perfect' she still fell apart, got angry and said "I never do anything right, I hate myself!" Where do I go from here?
A. For a long time, children feel frustrated when they know they can't do things as well as a parent can. She's struggling with mastery and is more particular than some. Perfectionism is at it's height around age 6 and usually tapers off from there. She may still be tapering, or she may have a perfectionist personality. Whichever way, I would have an easy, laid back talk with her- perhaps in the car or at bedtime-sometime when you are both in good moods, and bring up the pancake cutting issue. Let her know that you know she can handle it and would like to offer her a choice. A - she can continue having pancakes but cut them herself with either a fork, knife or pizza cutter, B - she can have cereal or something else that requires a spoon. Let her know that it is your job to encourage her to use utensils so she will be able to do so at other places. Instead of a lecture on practice makes perfect, tell her that you fully understand how frustrating it is for her. Use an example of your own to say how you get frustrated about something that doesn't turn out the way you want it to. Validating her desire for it to be perfect will help ease her tension around it. The other thing to remember is that her perfectionism is her problem. You will be able to help her far better when you do not take responsibility for it. Her desire for perfection is hard for you to understand, and you think it is your job to make it go away. You can't do that. Only she can, if she can. You can help but not if you take it personally and think you have caused it and must therefore get rid of it. Then you even feel responsible for her anger and tears. Let her have her idiosyncrasies and frustrations and be supportive, but don't allow them to dictate what you know she needs to learn.
Q. My four year old twins (boy, girl) are very different personalities. My daughter is very independent-always wants to do things herself and is willing to try new things. My son is the opposite-more fearful and apprehensive. My daughter helps her brother and sometimes does things for him. My concern is that he will become too dependent on her and not believe in himself. For example, I'll ask him to get his sandals and put them on, and he'll say that he can't or it is "too hard". My daughter will then go get them for him. Just want to be sure I'm doing the best thing by encouraging him to do for himself and helping him when he needs it. Also, by thanking his sister for helping but telling her that he needs to be able to help himself. I am 'catastrophizing' and thinking that this means he will be unmotivated and lazy!! Help!!
A. It's fine that you encourage his independence, but don't expect him to do more than he is able to do successfully. Your daughter is the independent one. That doesn't mean that he should be too-he's only four! I would talk to your daughter about how kind she is to help him but make sure she doesn't feel that it is her responsibility. You can explain to her that it may be important for him to get things for himself so that he doesn't learn to depend on her for everything. However, it's great how they work as a team! In Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids, I have a chapter/principle called "What You Focus on Grows". It will be very helpful for this situation. If you want him to grow in independence and initiative, whenever you see it in him, point it out-if not out loud, to yourself at the very least. Even when that initiative might be demanding something he wants, something that may be annoying. The more you focus on his lack (in your perception), the more that will grow. Watch for his initiative and you will see more than you thought was there. And you may want to reframe your perception from "he's going to be unmotivated and lazy" to "he knows how to get what he wants from his sister who is so accommodating." You do not have to be as accommodating, and he will learn that not everyone is. His sister won't be for long, I'm sure.
Stories from Readers
|
 |
Fast forward to Wednesday.
We are sitting outside after I got off work, enjoying the nice weather. The skeeters are eating us up so my husband goes to get the bug spray out of the car. He sprays his ankles then tells our daughter to come and let him spray some on her. She looked at me and asked, "will it burn?"
I said "No Honey, it shouldn't burn you." ....well in just a few seconds she was crying and jumping saying it burned her. We get to the bathtub and I'm running some water for her and she says in such a sad voice, "I just wanted you to trust me, you should have trusted me."
Me, wrapped up in myself and somewhat irritated, didn't get what she was saying at first. I asked her "What are you talking about?" She said "I just want you to trust me."....and then it clicked. I said, "You mean the other night when you told me you didn't like bug spray?" She shook her head yes, and I hugged her and told her I was sorry, all the irritation and self-centeredness melting away from me.
What a priceless lesson this child has taught her mother.
Special Events
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
Professional Training
Jan. 23-26. Friday evening, full days Sat. and Sunday, and Monday morning.
The fee is $425, with an earlybird price of $375. You get the manual and the parent workbook with the training. If you'd like to know more specifics, click here
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons parent workshop
Wed. Dec. 3 and Thursday Dec. 11 - 6:00-9:30 pm (Part 1)
Brattleboro, NH - Brattleboro Savings and Loan
Fee: $100. Contact Mary Grove 802 257-4695 or
mgrove@sau29.org
Phone Coaching
Paypal payments are available for phone coaching and the When Your Kids Push Your Buttons CD set so credit card payments are possible. Use the highlighted links or go to my website on the books and CDs page or the phone counseling page under services for parents to find the Paypal button.
Click here to read previous newsletters.
Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
© 2010 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com