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					When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: The Newsletter by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed. Issue 41 - Compare and Conflict Greetings! "We can't compare ourselves to the unattainable perfection of imaginary parents." — actress, Tammy Grimes We typically set our standards too high for any normal person to attain so we can remind ourselves what a disappointment we are. Are we fulfilling messages we got from our childhoods; confirming those beliefs we took in about ourselves? We don't have to do that. Discussion of Key Points — Compare and Conflict I wonder if the reason so many of us continually compare ourselves to other parents who we perceive as perfect (at least they have perfect children), is because we don't know how to trust our own instincts - no one taught us how. When we compare ourselves to anyone, we usually come up short. "How come she doesn't have any problems with her kids? It must be me." That's why soap operas and horrendous news stories are so compelling - we love seeing someone worse off! With holidays just around the corner, the temptation to "do it right" is stronger than ever. Trust yourself, stay in the moment, stop yourself from catastrophizing, and connect with your kids. That's all they really want - well, that and a bunch of stuff for Christmas! You are not your image of the perfect parent, you are not your own parent, and your children are not you. All of you are unique and capable. When you catch yourself coming down on yourself (or your children), pay attention. Stop in your tracks and breathe in and out deeply at least three times. Find a two or three word mantra to say to yourself. Calm down - One step at a time - You can do this - Say it the way he can hear it - This too shall pass, whatever works to get you to reverse the direction your mind is taking you. Reel it back in. Your emotions do not have the power to control you. You can change your thoughts and your emotions will follow. In our own heads, we forget what life could be like for others, for our children. We all have our individual ways of looking at things/of wanting things, and it is often too much to get out of our heads and into someone else's. Especially our children's. Try an experiment. When you go to a Christmas party or gathering, set an intention of thinking about what life could be like for each person you are talking to. Really listen and wonder what might be behind their eyes. Give yourself credit for what you have accomplished to date, be willing to apologize for past offenses, be open to new ways of seeing things (perhaps the point of view your children have), and be available to listen. And above all, allow yourself to be vulnerable. Too many of us hide behind a mask for fear of doing it wrong. So we stay tense and rigid. We miss so much. There may be more pain in vulnerability but there is a lot more joy. Questions and Answers I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question, and I answer it right away. Then it goes in a newsletter at a later date. Q. My daughter is 11 and in 6th grade (first year of middle school). One of her strengths is music. She is playing piano and is entering her third year playing trumpet in the school band. She was eager to be in the middle school band but abruptly announced this week that she wants to quit. I suspect this is partly due to her new private lessons. Her new teacher told her that she needs to correct her mouth position and that it may take awhile to change the habit. I want to encourage her to remain in the band because this is something she really loved; this is the first time she's been required to practice regularly, and I think she's just realizing that it's not as easy as she thought. I asked why she wanted to quit, and she'll only say "because I don't like it anymore." I've asked her to commit at least to the next four weeks of private lessons. How can I encourage her without pushing? She's very strong-willed and will flat out refuse to play if she feels pushed too hard. A. The strong will and flat-out refusals mean she is a child who doesn't like to be told what to do. Nothing wrong with that - it's who she is. So that means, if you tell her what or what not to do, she will resist. But if she feels a part of the decision, she is more likely to think it through without a reactive no. You need to acknowledge her, see her point of view, let her know you understand where she's coming from (all without questions), and only after that ask some questions. So things like, "I wonder if the private lessons are piling on pressure on top of all your school work. Between that and band it must feel like a lot. Life would certainly be easier without either." This kind of acknowledgement, if it is genuine, feels validating. Once she knows you understand how she feels, then you can offer a challenge. If you let her know that the final decision hers, she can relax and take in your request. "Of course the decision is yours, it is your life after all. I can only say what I think is best, but if I force you, you'll just be angry. I'd like you to see if you can fast-forward 5 years down the road. See if you can tell whether at that time you'd be glad or regretful if you quit now. I don't want an answer now, just think about it." I like your idea of her commitment for a month. Let her know she can have the whole month to consider her answer, and if she can make a strong argument to you about why she should quit, you will let her. If you make her stay with it, she will likely resist and do poorly. If you allow her to quit after careful consideration, she may decide to go back to it later, possibly with a different instrument. It's a risk, but one worth taking, I think. Q. My seven year old daughter has put on weight in the last two years, since her Dad and I separated and divorced. She is tall and heavy. I too was a big kid and by the time I was 7, my mother and grandmother had me on diet pills, coming home for diet lunches, and I knew I was fat. This has become a life long weight challenge and although I have lost a great deal of weight, I still have a lot to lose. Life as a child was torture due to my size, I was teased horribly all through school, shut down, and relied on food as my only comfort. Fast forward 35 years and I am terrified that here we go again. All my fears that my daughter will suffer what I have suffered come pouring in. I want her to make healthy choices and determine when she is hungry and when not. What I seem to have taught her is to eat as much as she can, to love sugar and always "be hungry". While I realize I am projecting my own experience onto her, she is clearly bigger than she should be. We eat primarily organic, whole foods - we are praised for the lunches she brings to school. Our basic rule is no sugar after 6pm, but her Dad and Grandparents give her sweets regularly. When she raids the fridge or begs for snacks I am really challenged to find appropriate ways to respond to her. Letting her eat anything doesn't seem right, but policing her food charges the whole issue for both of us and my fears are becoming fulfilled. I found her in tears on her bed one day, saying her tummy was too fat. It has never come out of my mouth, but it sure is in my heart, and neither Dad nor I could get any further on where it came from. A. Congratulations on your weight loss and especially your organic, whole foods diet. That is an essential foundation. You will never have her on diet pills, you will never give her messages of shame about her weight. Those are all major differences from your childhood. You must work with a daily mantra of something like she is not me, I am not my mother. The similarities that you have no control over have to do with genetics. She will never be small-probably your ideal. Set your expectations for success. She is a big girl and needs a lot of nutrition. As long as it is good, healthy nutrition, she will likely be big but not fat. Some of the eating problem may have to do with her issues about your divorce. If this seems to be the case, talking to a child therapist might help. Getting her dad and grandparents to agree with your approach will be a challenge. Sugar should not be forbidden but limited. Pure maple syrup or honey in treats wouldn't be bad. It's the processed foods that put on the weight. Because of your buttons, you are holding yourself back from communicating effectively and empowering her to learn to help herself. Helping her determine when she is hungry and not is great thinking. She must be in charge of herself, not you. Since she made that comment about her tummy, I would suggest that you share your story with her. That way it is about you, not her. Let her know the shame and harm to your body that happened because of the diet pills and the messages you got. Let her know that those messages are still there and you fear passing them on to her. Communication will be essential as you move ahead. She knows she's big and will get plenty of messages about being "fat" at school if she hasn't already. She needs a safe haven at home to dump all that. After you have shared your story, ask her what she would like to look like, what her goals are. Keep working with her-asking questions, not telling her-until she creates a picture that is successful for her, not a model. Talk about intentions. If she gets into this, ask her what she needs in order to keep her intentions at her father's. Also talk about the messages we all get from magazines, celebrities, and media about how thin we should be. Teach her how harmful those messages are, look at images and ask her what message that image is spreading and whether it is a good one or not. Put her in the driver's seat of deciding what she will eat and what not. Instead of you telling her when she has had enough, ask her to listen to her body - is it saying I'm satisfied, is it saying I'm still hungry, or is it saying I just want more because it tastes good. Then ask her if she should give her body more or not - no judgments if she says yes. Encourage her to ingredient-hunt when you food shop. And make sure she gets plenty of exercise. Q. My son is 18 months old, is somewhat of a picky eater, and has fallen from 50th to 5th percentile in weight since his birth. My husband and I have both worried excessively about his eating, and mealtimes are often not pleasant. My attitude has relaxed, and I simply offer appropriate options for meals (including at least 1 thing I know my son eats) and let him eat (or not eat) what he wants. My husband's buttons are still getting pushed in a big way. Tonight when my son would eat only 1 of the items offered, my husband kept urging him to eat a different item. Eventually my husband sighed, huffed, rolled his eyes, "whined" at my child to eat, slammed the microwave door, and slammed down my son's cup. I feel tense, stressed, and exhausted when my husband reacts this way, and I don't think it helps with my son's eating. What can I do/say to help my husband relax? A. First, it might help convince your husband to read him the above question and concern. When food becomes an issue with a child who is eating too much or too little, weight, self-esteem, and life-long habits become problems. Instead of getting frustrated or angry with your husband, empathize with his concern as you were once in his place and can completely understand. Let him know why you changed your approach and talk about what kinds of messages you feared you were giving your son. If it seems appropriate, ask your husband what his mother or father said about food at the table. How important was it for him to clean his plate/eat what was served? And ask him what his fears are for your son. There is a better place for those fears than in your son's head. See if you can support each other in making food a non-issue at the table. Stories from Readers Story One: I have one very spirited kid (age 9), and another easy going (age 6). But, for some reason (knock on wood), I don't think they even know any swear words. I know they hear them, because we live in an urban area and I hear them when guys are playing basketball at the park and in other situations (rarely at our city public school though). I just think they don't register the words because they don't know them? I attribute that to inappropriate words not being permitted at home especially for adults. I think word choice can be a habit and a hard habit to break. I understand not giving a word power. However, as you state in the first part of your newsletter, the adults should be allowed to have their needs met. If that means not having to live with inappropriate words, then I certainly believe it is okay to say "no" to them. Story Two: This morning I went to wake up my five-year-old son, and I immediately sensed he was in a mood. I cautiously said, "Good morning bud, how are you?" He said holding up a kids magazine, "Look mom, my magazine is all wrinkled, now it's no good, and it's all your fault." I had told him to take the magazine off his bed before I left the night before, but he obviously didn't listen, and just as I was about to tell him that (my normal, Hey don't blame me, I told you so reaction, which then starts a huge fight and ruins the entire morning) I stopped and thought of you. Validate-validate-validate. "I understand that you're mad about your magazine getting wrinkled, I would be to, I don't like it when my magazines get wrinkled." I paused for a second and looked at him, his head was tilted looking at me fully captivated by my every word, then I saw the anger leave him. Before I could start the next part about what do you think you can do next time, he piped up, "I think next time I will take my magazines off my bed before I fall asleep because they aren't like my other books. They get wrinkled real easy." Trying to hid my dropped jaw, I quickly said, "Great idea buddy". We had started off so many mornings in the "it's all your fault, oh not it's not" way, and this morning easily could of gone in the same direction but I stopped, listened to him, validated, and he came up with his own solution. No tears, not hitting, no accusations, no ruined morning. I cannot thank you enough for the tools you have given me to allow me to have a better, more understanding relationship with him. I mean I'm not delusional I know I could try this tomorrow and he'll be headstrong, I'll just have to work harder to figure out what is going on in his head. I truly believe I am slowly on my way to being the parent I had originally planned on being. News For Christmas: Order a 6 CD set of When Your Kids Push Your Buttons by emailing us and ordering a set for $29.95 plus shipping. We will have a paypal account set up on the website soon. February 1-3, 2008 in London. I am giving a professional training in The Effective Parenting Workshop for parents of 1-5 year olds If you are interested in attending or in setting up a training in your area, email me at bh@bonnieharris.com. February 1-3, 2008 in London. You can check out more information on my website. Click services, for professionals. I will be leading an 8 week class, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons at The Family Center in Peterborough beginning Thursday morning March 6th. Contact The Family Center at 603 924-6306 or email Tamara at thuston@thefamilycenter.us. This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us. What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003). In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children's ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away! Fondly, Bonnie Bonnie Harris Core Parenting Click here to read previous newsletters. Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com. © 2011 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com