"I find your approach to family issues so enormously helpful. I love the word curiosity that you use. So different from the kind of forceful demanding of answers and interrogation we use when we want to engage a child in a conversation but lose him on the way. You have become a household name - I have 6 grandchildren and their parents all know about the Buttons woman who I quote again and again."
— Grandmother and therapist
"I just wanted to say I love your newsletter! I enjoy receiving it and reading your thoughts and the experiences of others. I have read many books on raising children, and truthfully, yours is the one that speaks to me the most. Thank you for your efforts and dedication."
—mother of three in NH
"Bonnie, I love your insight and advice and your piece in this newsletter EXACTLY describes my situation with my oldest child."
— mother of a twelve yr. old
"I've been subscribing to your online newsletter for awhile and really enjoy the letters and your responses."
— parent of a fifteen yr. old
"I read your e-newsletter every month and just from reading these, I've gained a lot of insight."
— mother of 5 _ and 3 yr. olds
"I just want you to know how much I enjoy reading your newsletter. It really keeps me reminding myself of what is important."
— parent of 7, 10, and 11 yr old boys
"Wow, what can I say but a big thank you. Your explanation was very clear and made perfect sense. It makes such a difference to understand what is going on inside our little ones mind. A big learning curve for my husband and I but one we are eternally grateful to be on!"
— parents of a two year old, Australia
ABOUT BONNIE
SERVICES
RESOURCES
Buttons Book
Confident Parents Book
Monthly Column
Newsletter
Compact Discs
Parent Workbooks
CALENDAR
MEDIA
CONTACT
SITE MAP
HOME
Click here for this month's Questions & Answers, click here to read previous newsletters, or click here to see upcoming events.
Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | October 2008 |
"In my day, we didn't have self-esteem, we had self-respect, and no more of it than we had earned. "
—Jane Haddam
Self-respect comes from doing, accomplishing, and feeling respected. Self-esteem has been misunderstood to mean something we give our children by boosting their moral. It never works that way.
Lessons: Bullies and Victims: What can we do?
|
 |
All children want to be successful is the first principle in Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids. We have an innate drive to learn, achieve, and thrive in a social world of relationships. It's how man has developed since the beginning of time. For an infinite number of reasons, that drive can be thwarted-we get pulled off track toward success by obstacles put in our path. Children want to get along, play, and feel confident in their relationships. But when one child comes up against an obstacle to accomplishment (whether it be from feeling inferior to another child, to feeling powerless at home, to feeling a disappointment to others, etc.), that child is sometimes driven to get what she wants through physical or mental maneuvers over another child. This victim may be someone who is perceived as a threat or as a weak target-boys tend to get physical, girls play mental games.
We have not been able to solve this age-old problem so we know the layers and nuances of it run very deep. What seems clear, is that the bully is experiencing a threat of some kind and further threats of punishment or humiliation-the typical reaction-only increase that internal turmoil. It is as important to connect with the bully as well as the victim in an attempt to find and calm that turmoil.
Let's say that Sarah has been pushed out of her group of friends because Amanda has convinced them that Sarah is not "cool" enough. For whatever reason, Amanda has felt a loss of confidence in some area and is using Sarah's friends to boost her self-esteem. Sarah becomes the target because she is seen as the threat and the leader of her group. Perhaps because she gets good grades, is a teacher's favorite, has something Amanda wishes for. Sarah's mother is at a loss in the face of Sarah's pain over losing her best friends to Amanda. How can she help?
Sarah might feel stronger if she understands the various reasons Amanda is "working over" her friends. The reasons stated here can be a starting point to discuss what Sarah thinks other reasons could be. Sarah's parent can also ask her how she thinks Amanda perceives her-why has she become the target. It is very important for Sarah to understand that Amanda's bullying has far more to do with Amanda and how she feels about herself than it has to do with Sarah.
Sarah needs to look hard at whether or how she could be a provoker and may need to take responsibility for that. But if it is just because she is who she is, she needs to develop a strong boundary with her parents' help. The boundary (8th principle in the book) is a strong psychological separation between two people. It what defines one's personal space as well as what determines one's personal responsibility. Perhaps finding something physical (I always think of cheesecloth) to represent that boundary could be a reminder for Sarah. Together Sarah and her parent can look at what is Amanda's and what is Sarah's part in the problem. Sarah needs to find a way to "let go" of Amanda and realize she does not have the power to change her.
The desired result is balance between the children, which is hard to accomplish without a professional mediator to determine the full story of both or all parties. Without this, Sarah's parents can be her sounding board for her frustration and pain. So much can be let go of through release of emotion with a trustworthy connective ally. Role plays to allow Sarah to say whatever she would like to the imaginary Amanda can lead to problem solving and brain storming (Principle 7) about what she can do in reality. The release of stress and tension through connective communication (Principle 5) is the first step to being creative and productive. Sarah may determine that her friends are her greatest disappointment for being swayed by Amanda. She may need to confront the hard issue of letting go of these friends. Or she may brain storm a way to reestablish her relationships away from Amanda.
Parents must know that their power and influence lies in their capacity to be a neutral sounding board and facilitator to their children, not a director or a fixer. We fear for our children, and their unhappiness feels like our responsibility. Be strong and trust your children's strength. Then nurture it rather than allow them to grow dependent on you to find their solutions. The first promotes self-respect, the second is an attempt at bestowing self-esteem.
Is there a subject you would like me to write about? Let me know.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical detail.
|
 |
A. I imagine that your 11 yr. old has learned, probably a long time ago, that he is mean, regardless of your best intentions to teach him not to be. You stated that you have "long believed he has been mean." This is where the importance of perception is so critical to understanding children's behavior. If your assumption is that he is mean, then you are going to feel angry, frustrated, impatient, etc. If that is how you feel, you will logically attempt to stop him from being mean by yelling, punishing, threatening, and blaming. From those reactions over the years, he learns that he is mean and so behaves like a mean person. No one ever hits or kicks "for no good reason." It's just not a good reason to us. He might have been reacting on impulse, anger or jealousy, or in an attempt to get back at his older brother-could be cumulative build-up. There is always a reason. Unfortunately most of us react to the behavior alone and miss the root cause of it that lurks beneath the surface. It is that root that needs attending, not the behavior. Does his older brother have an easier time in life? Is his temperament one that has made him an easier child to parent, do better in school, have more friends? If so, your 11 yr. old knows it-and resents it. Has he made any comments about nobody understanding him, life isn't fair, etc? That's because he does feel misunderstood and unacceptable. Going forward, it will be important to heal these misunderstandings. Let him know that you have not paid attention to WHY he has acted aggressively and you are concerned you have sent him the wrong message-that he is a bad kid (even if you are sure you haven't, that's likely the message he has received). Talk to him privately about how he feels about his brother in the areas I mentioned above. Let him know that you understand his feelings. Your perception will need to change from him being a problem to having a problem, which allows you to have some compassion for the turmoil he is in. Then use connective communication, problem solving and conflict resolution, which are all outlined in Confident Parent, Remarkable Kids.
Q. Often it seems my 2.5 year old is deliberately 'testing' me and doing no-no's just to check my reaction. For example, she will determine that she is done eating (in spite of not eating anything) and will throw her plate, food, fork, etc. making a huge mess. I have tried all that I know to try, including having her help me clean up, staying totally calm and saying why we don't do that, looking at her sternly and saying no, removing her from the table and having a time in (where we sit together and I hold her hands firmly and talk to her about why she can't throw food). I really don't know what else to do and now I find it supremely irritating because I feel helpless.
A. Your 2.5 year old is definitely testing you and checking your reactions. That's how she learns to control herself. It's the ultimate cause and effect learning. This is all good stuff. The test for you is to remain calm and expect that this is what she is going to do. It is developmentally appropriate after all! I think having her help clean up and a stern but neutral "no we don't do that" are fine, but don't lecture her. She is conducting experiments. The only change you need is your perspective. See if you can watch this behavior and say to yourself, "Look how she's learning. She tests again and again until she'd got it" (even when you are highly annoyed) rather than "Why does she keep defying me?" (that makes her behavior feel like an attack). If you can change your perspective, you will always remain calm and she will learn without being shamed.
Q. We attended a seminar of yours a few years ago. It was very informative. What we didn't realize is that kids grow up! My son is now 13 and worse than ever! He is a good boy-doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, etc. We are having a difficult time with the lying and disrespect. He is CONSTANTLY lying about different things to us. He is also very disrespectful. When he was asked to come home at noon after a sleepover, he called at 12:10 to say he just woke up. I gave him til 12:30 to get home. Still nothing. When I went looking for him I found him nearby at 1PM! His overnight bag was on the porch. He said someone must have brought it home?! He argues when homework time comes and says homework is stupid. We have given him everything he could ever want and it's still not enough. He needs new sneakers and is refusing to wear any from Walmart or Target! He has name brand clothing and shoes. Unfortunately, times are hard right now. He can't seem to grasp the whole we have no $$ thing. We are very frustrated and need help! Please!!
A. Growing with our kids is often a hard journey, especially when we expect them to stay the way they were. We need to adjust our expectations as they grow and continue to give them more and more independence and responsibility. Your son is likely "lying" because he doesn't want to deal with your answers, criticisms, and mandates so he tells you something different to protect himself. Give him more decision-making opportunities. Instead of telling him to be home at noon (at least he called you at 12:10), ask him what time he thinks would be reasonable to get up and get home in time to do what he needs to do. Of course he is going to be sleeping till noon now - this is the body clock for most teens. Don't set him up for failure, work out a plan that involves his ideas and work toward a compromise of what works best for BOTH of you. Do you give him an allowance? If not, do. That is how children learn the value of money and how to be responsible with it. If he doesn't like sneakers from Walmart, tell him what your budget allows you to spend on them, and if he wants more expensive ones, that extra can come from his allowance. Instead of expecting him to understand your budget constraints, expect that at this extremely egocentric time of his development, he will want what his friends have. That doesn't mean he has to have them but it sets your expectations more appropriately so you don't blow when he wants what he wants. And if you give him "everything he could ever want" then he has learned to expect it. Expecting appreciation for what we have taught them to take for granted is a no-win battle. Remember, it is your job to set the restrictions, not his. But make them work for BOTH of you-especially through these teen years. He now sees you wanting everything to work for you, so he resists. To connect with him, he needs to know you understand him.
Stories from Readers
|
 |
News
Sat., Nov. 1
Upper Cape Early Childhood Conference
7:30-2:00, Bourne High School,
75 Waterhouse Rd., Bourne, MA
Your Child Really Does Want to Succeed
(even though it looks like she's headed for jail)
info - Tina Toran, ttoran@falmouth.k12.ma.us
Tues. Nov. 11
Exeter Hospital
Exeter, NH, 7:00-9:00 pm
Why Punishment Doesn't Work and What to Do Instead
contact: Sue Goodreau, sgoodreau@ehr.org
Friday, Nov. 14
Ridgefield, CT
Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids
Book Signing/Q&A
contact: Karen Walant, KWalant@aol.com
Wed. Nov. 19
Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids
Book Signing/Q&A
New Boston, NH 6:00 - 7:00 pm
sponsored by the PTA of New Boston Central School
contact: Melissa Towne, melissatowne2003@yahoo.com
Sat. Nov. 22
The Family Center Conference
Children and the Development of Morality
46 Concord St. Peterborough, NH
8:30-1:00, fee: $25, childcare available
contact: 603 924-6306, www.thefamilycenter.us
Keynote: Len Fleischer - The Journey to a Genuine Life
Workshops: Wendy Hill - Family Values and Principles,
Bonnie Harris - The Roots and Reasons for Lying
Mary Seebart - Moral Decision Making and the Teen Brain Jane Richards-Jones - Young Children and Moral Dilemmas
Phone Coaching
Paypal payments are available for phone coaching and the When Your Kids Push Your Buttons CD set so credit card payments are possible. Use the highlighted links or go to my website on the books and CDs page or the phone counseling page under services for parents to find the Paypal button.
Click here to read previous newsletters.
Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
© 2011 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com