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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | September 2009 |
"When we let go of our battles and open our hearts to things as they are, then we come to rest in the present moment."
—Jack Kornfield
Acceptance means letting go of the child we think we want and allowing the child we have. Even when children can't have what they want, it's okay for them to want it, even cry about it when they can't have it.
Lesson: Unconditional Acceptance
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When children do not feel accepted — when they think they are never quite good enough or smart enough, when they think you disapprove or are disappointed in them - they act out. A great deal of behavior we dislike is rooted in the child's unmet need for acceptance. After a phone session, I received an email from a mother with the following story. I could not say it better:
My 6 year old daughter is off-the-charts spirited. She does not like to be told what to do, she thinks the word "fair" means that she gets her way, and she is extremely persistent and vocal. Lately, she has been pushing my buttons as she has become increasingly rude to adults and children in her life in both her choice of words and tone of voice. It is embarrassing, and I worry about her losing friends. It hadn't occurred to me that she may have been acting out because she did not feel accepted. I spent our vacation week working on connecting with her and remembering that she is having a problem, not being a problem. In one moment it finally clicked for me - I finally understood what accepting her really meant. We were driving home to meet my sister and I told the kids that we would stop for ice cream on the way. Unfortunately, the ice cream shop was closed. She threw a major tantrum in the car, crying and screaming. She said things to me like, "You better stop for ice cream, or you'll get it, lady." Normally, I would have let this really push my buttons, gotten really angry, raised my voice and lectured her about how being rude is unacceptable. This time was different. I reminded myself to be neutral. I did not raise my voice. But I didn't get it quite right yet. I started to explain to her that we didn't have time, it wasn't my fault the ice cream shop was closed. I was neutral, but I was not connecting. She persisted, she kept yelling. And then it hit me. I put myself in her shoes. She was disappointed. Of course. She needed to know it is normal to feel disappointed. So, that's what I told her. I said, "I bet you are feeling very disappointed right now. You had your heart set on having an ice cream cone. You know, it is completely normal to feel that way." The minute I said it I saw her body relax. She was relieved, she felt accepted, and she listened to me! The tantrum stopped. It is so simple, and yet so profound. She needs validation from me. She needs to know what she is feeling is okay with me. I thought it was my job to make her understand that being rude is not acceptable. Now I know I cannot influence her in a positive way unless I connect with her, understand her, and accept her. And now I really get what all that means.
Acknowledging and validating our children's feelings, thoughts, desires, and fantasies lets them know we understand them. That is unconditional acceptance. It doesn't mean we have to go find ice cream. Even when we must set limits and say no, we can always allow how they feel about it. Addressing that root and connecting is often all that is needed.
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
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A. My guess is that your daughter feels either patronized by what you say or she doesn't trust where you're coming from — she's suspicious of your motives in "empathizing" with her. Let me ask you a few questions. After empathizing do you lead her toward what you think she should do? Do you add a "but" after your acknowledgment? i.e. "I know you're feeling very disappointed right now, but you need to calm down." When a "but" is added-even when it's only the tone of a "but"-it wipes out the intention of empathy and sends the message that you still care more about her changing her behavior than you do about how she feels. Do you get to the core of the problem or stay on the surface? Is it, "You must be really angry about that?" or "I bet you wish you could really punch her out when she calls you names?" Usually we're afraid to go to what is lurking inside our child's head because we fear putting ideas in their heads or condoning negative behavior. It doesn't do either. I suggest with a child of 8 to go straight for the jugular. "I wonder if you're upset today because you overheard daddy and I fighting." "I bet you wish your teacher would dissolve like the wicked witch of the west." Whenever your child feels angry and says, "Stop talking like that" or covers her ears, that's your cue to get more specific and go deeper into her emotions. And you must let go of how you want the situation to turn out. Be right there with her. Add something about how you feel the same way. "I know just how you feel. The other day when.... After you have made real connection, then you can talk about what CAN happen.
Q. I was wondering about homework. My daughter is in year 3 at school and is thus commencing homework. She is fairly responsible in getting things done herself/quite independent and sometimes gets frustrated if I interfere. She feels I don't trust her. On the other hand I want to help her establish good habits. My question is, should I enforce a 'set time' and 'set place' for homework; or should I see how she goes managing it herself no matter what time and where it gets done?
A. First I applaud your daughter's school (Australia) for waiting until 3rd grade to start homework. Too many kids are getting homework these days in 1st grade and even kindergarten ignoring all the research. I think you should ask your daughter your question. If she is responsible, it is important to stay well out of dictating when that time should be. If you do set a time and place, make sure she has an equal part of the decision so that it works for her, not just you. If she wants you to stay out of it, tell her you are happy to do that because you trust her to figure it out for herself. Communicating your trust in her is the most important aspect. You might add that you are there for questions or concerns and, if things change, you'll be happy to help her figure out what works best for her.
Q. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle a grandmother (mother-in-law) that loves to intervene and undermine me with the kids, although never around my hubbie (her first & only son). It puts the kids in a tricky situation and makes me very frustrated. I have tried talking with her, writing a letter, sending poems and nothing seems to work. She just tells me she can't help herself, and she does not believe that kids should experience disappointment. Well, I don't agree! As the kids have gotten older, they have started to resent grandma's meddling and nasty comments towards their Mom. The kids do not feel comfortable asking grandma to stop, as they don't want to appear disrespectful. While I love that the grandparents try to stay informed with the kids activities from afar, I don't love the parenting intrusions when they visit!
A. I think your solution has already begun! The fact that your children don't like her meddling is a giant step because it means your mother-in-law is not having an effect on the parenting they are experiencing from you. And it's good news that they also don't want to show her disrespect. Now your job is to let go and make your boundaries stronger. You don't have to change her (nor can you!) for that to happen. You have already tried but to no avail. Her intrusions will be much less frustrating when you can accept them the way they are. Don't take them personally. Think of holding a tangible boundary between the two of you. Picture all her comments deflecting off that boundary back towards her. If you do not let them penetrate, she can go on having her opinions and you can stand strong in your own. You and your kids can even share your frustrations with each other without being disrespectful. Your goal will be to laugh it off and say, "Oh there goes grandma!" She has a right to her opinions (I happen to agree that children should experience disappointment) but you have a right to your parenting. You can try saying to her, "I understand your concerns and am so glad you want to be involved in their lives. What I really need most from you is your support for what I believe." The real work is in you letting go.
Let me know how these suggestions work with more questions or stories.
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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
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Why Children Do the Things They Do? The Principles of Connective Parenting
dinner, desert and informative discussion
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