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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | September 2008 |
"We do a good job teaching our children strategic maneuvers to get what they want in the power struggles we engage in. But if the parent behaves like the grown-up, she will be the first to leave the battlefield."
— Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids
—Since my new book has just been released, I thought I might borrow a bit from it for the newsletter.
Lessons: Who's the Grown-up?
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Typically unsuccessful behavior is the trigger that sucks us into power struggles with our children. Is there anyone reading this who has not engaged in a power struggle with your child? I define a power struggle as a fight between two children (yes, that means you) the same age. Don't you feel incredibly immature when you are battling to win with a small child, even a big child? Here's what happens in a power struggle. It's a battleground, face it. If you engage, that means you are out to win. And if you want to win, that means you want your child to lose.
"Children feel under attack from negative judgments and criticisms and are often left with no choice but to engage in counterattack. If the perceived enemy remains invested in hostility (power struggle), it is the rare child who can back off and change his behavior. Most adults and certainly children think that withdrawing from the attack leaves them too vulnerable. So they persist in a fight to the finish. Defensive reactions appear to be the only chance of surviving the onslaught of criticisms and blame.When a child perceives that his parent thinks he is bad, he believes he is bad, so he behaves badly. His defenses go up, and he is tense with readiness for the daily power struggles that he must try to win. Better behavior is unlikely until he gets a different message from his parent."
How often do you think your child anticipates a battle with you? Can you see that if she believes you are going to get mad, criticize her or disapprove, she will be on the defensive before you say a word? The self-protective mode she uses to guard her vulnerability against your anger and threats is the obstacle she has to deal with that prevents her from behaving successfully. This obstacle may show up as rude remarks, ignoring or refusing your demands, taking her anger out on a sibling or pet, or internal stress causing pain or illness-depending on her temperament. She can't even begin to cooperate because she would be losing face to do so. Her strategy must be to protect her integrity and so she fights to the finish. She does not have the maturity to back down and apologize in the midst of strong emotions. Do you? And she has a great deal more strength than you to duke it out, which is why you end up exhausted and drained. If you want to allow her the successful behavior she is trying to get to, you must withdraw the attack by stepping out of the power struggle and ending the battle. Use her unsuccessful behavior to give you the clue. When you lead the way, she will follow.
Is there a subject you would like me to write about? Let me know.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer you directly. Your question goes in the newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep questions brief but include critical details.
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Q. Wow, I have just received and read this [newsletter] - have you been in my house observing the confrontations between my husband and 10 year old daughter? I have told him that it is like watching two 10 year olds and it seems that the argument has to go on until someone is the 'winner'. It is usually him because he is bigger. He obviously denies this emphatically. My question is, what can he do to withdraw from the battle and step out of the power struggle? He would see it as backing down and letting her 'get her way' i.e. no parental control. How does he step out of the battle and 'save face'?
A. I will address this to the reader as we can only hope our spouses will pick up on our cues. Telling your husband what you want him to do will get no better response than when you tell your child what to do! However, it does help to empathize with the difficulty of the situation saying something like, "It's so hard when she acts that way. I get so frustrated too. What I've noticed sometimes works is when" - and fill in the blank.
We need to start with understanding the premise of the power struggle. Your child does something you don't like. She either knows ahead of time that you will react angrily or she is simply doing what she wants and hasn't a clue you will react. The point is she is trying to get something she wants and you are trying to thwart that desire. When you think she is being defiant and disobedient, then your only recourse is to fight to the finish and make sure you win. You see that as the only option when you think your child is being bad and you have to right the wrong. So to back down and leave the battlefield feels like giving up. When you believe you are the one is right, you can't back down without losing face. Look at the modeling that gives your child, who then learns she has to fight harder and harder, picking up some of her parent's battle tactics along the way. Do you see where some of our world leaders learn their strategies?!
But when you understand that your child is simply trying to get what she wants and doesn't know any other way right now-and probably has learned that she has to fight to get it-then it's easier to at least momentarily back off and breathe. It doesn't feel so much like an attack. If you realize she's not out to get you, she's not trying to put you down, she's not out to control the family (even though it feels that way), she is merely trying to do what she wants-what we're all trying to do-and is having a problem getting it.
Try following these steps:
| 1) | Switch your perception 180 degrees to see that she is having a problem, not being a problem. | |
| 2) | Breathe (seriously - this is really important!) | |
| 3) | Ask yourself, what is she after? What is she trying to do/get? | |
| 4) | Don't take it so seriously and personally. It's about her, not about you. | |
| 5) | Acknowledge her problem. "You really don't want to go to bed. I bet you wish you could stay up all night. It's a bummer when you have to do what you don't want. I'm sure I'd be mad if I were you." This doesn't mean you have to let her stay up! But she at least feels understood and that she's okay for wanting to stay up. | |
| 6) | Make a plan. Whatever it is she's after, see if you both can sit down together and list the pros and cons and plan when it can happen, if it can. Ask, "How can you make that happen?" explaining your point of view as well. |
But you see, it's all in the perception. If you can't change your idea that she is a pain, doesn't listen, and will never do what you say, you won't get anywhere. That's when you have to fight and make sure she doesn't get her way. Because the fear is that if you do back down, she will take all the power. Another fear is that if you are kind and understanding, you are giving positive feedback to negative behavior. Wrong. If you understand that the root of her behavior (the internal emotional state) has to do with her want, you can temporarily ignore the inappropriate behavior. Your understanding is feeding her need, not reinforcing her behavior. You are in fact helping her get back on track when you respond with care to her inner emotional state. Responded to this way consistently and the negative behavior disappears. True connection happens when we address the root cause, not the face value of the behavior. Then after connection has been made, after emotions are down and you can both be more reasonable, you can talk about the behavior and what to do next time. In the meantime, real learning has taken place.
The point is to see that she wants to get it right, she wants to please, and she also wants what she wants-nothing wrong with that. The trick is to understand that you can remain respectful, understanding, and compassionate even when she can't have her way. Isn't that how we'd like others to treat us? And isn't it important that she learns that kind of respect for others? She will only learn it when she experiences it.
News
Booksigning
Keene Toadstool - 2:00 pm, October 4
Workshop for Parents
Brattleboro, VT
"When Your Kids Push Your Buttons"
Thursday, October 23, 2008 & Thursday, October 30, 2008
From 6 - 9:30 p.m.
Brattleboro Savings and Loan Community Room
Fee: $100
Call Mary Grove for info. at 802.257.4695 or email her at mgrove@sau29.org
My on-going Parent/Child Connections class for parents of 6-12 year olds begins on Tuesday Sept. 16 from 9:30-11:30. Sliding fee scale. Call The Family Center (www.thefamilycenter.us) for details and registration - 603 924-6306. Waiting list only.
A new PBS television show for children, "Martha Speaks", based on the children's book by Susan Meddaugh about a dog who ate alphabet soup and can talk, was developed for television and written by two good friends of mine, Ken Scarborough and Raye Lankford. Check out some short clips here: martha speaks videos. It will be fun to do it with your kids.
Paypal payments are available for phone coaching and the When Your Kids Push Your Buttons CD set so credit card payments are possible. Use the highlighted link or go to my website on the books and CDs page or the phone counseling page under services for parents to find the Paypal button.
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
© 2011 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com