"I find your approach to family issues so enormously helpful. I love the word curiosity that you use. So different from the kind of forceful demanding of answers and interrogation we use when we want to engage a child in a conversation but lose him on the way. You have become a household name - I have 6 grandchildren and their parents all know about the Buttons woman who I quote again and again."
— Grandmother and therapist
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—mother of three in NH
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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | August 2008 |
"As we willingly enter each place of fear, each place of deficiency and insecurity in ourselves, we will discover that its walls are made of untruths, of old images of ourselves, of ancient fears, of false ideas of what is pure and what is not."
— Jack Kornfield
Learning the art of parenting requires that we enter these hidden places where we often keep the door shut. But once entered, what we find there seldom turns out to be as fearful as we assumed.
Lessons: The Art of Parenting
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I actually do think nurturing a child is instinctual. The problem is we have generations of learned behavior that has brought us to a place where those instincts are so hidden it is very difficult for most of us to access them. Not to mention the learned behavior we have experienced in our own lives from parents wanting us to do their bidding instead of supporting our natural instincts. We need on-the-job training.
Parenting is an art in this day and age. I have had so many parents ask what to say when well-meaning friends and relatives sneer at their chosen parenting books or parenting classes. Tell them, "Parenting is an art, and like all arts it must be learned and practiced with a great deal of help. I want to learn the most I can about the most important job I will ever have." That should stop anyone in their dissenting tracks.
Whenever you think, I should know better/do better/be a better parent, first ask yourself who you are comparing yourself to. Why? Do you really know what you think you know about them? Then tell yourself that you are not to be expected to have the art of parenting children in this age of new technology and media barrage in your database. And that anyone who thinks they do is living in denial.
The art not only covers how to communicate with your child in a way that encourages cooperation and mutual respect-something that very few know-but it requires a good deal of self-discovery-something that takes time and usually a good deal of help. That means being able to answer, Why do I react the way I do? Where do my buttons stem from? How can I become more aware of them so that my reactions can change? Why do I feel so strongly about certain things? What do I need to let go of, and what do I need to take a stronger stand on?
This all takes time and effort. Are you willing? Or do you think that everything will be okay and your kids are just going through a stage?
Is there a subject you would like me to write about? Let me know.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer you directly. Your question goes in the newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep questions brief but include critical details. I'd love some questions about older children — don't want to lose those readers!
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A. Your son is at the classic stage - age 6 and a little before and after - of increased frustration over not getting it right. I remember my son at this age. He wouldn't stick with anything unless he could do it right. Cognitive awareness is more advanced than gross motor and physical dexterity. He knows exactly how he wants something to look, but his fingers can't make it happen and he doesn't understand why. The best thing to do is empathize with his frustration - don't try to convince him that it's good or fine because that just tells him you don't understand! It sounds like the only thing that doesn't enrage him is when you say nothing, which in fact allows him to be with his problem, which is a good thing. Remember, you do not need to make it all okay. It's best not to talk to him while he is in the middle of his frustration. Just give him support however you can and wait it out. At some point when both of you are feeling fine, talk to him about these times and ask him what he thinks might help him the most. Let him know that his mind is smarter than his body (fingers) right now and this will change as he gets older. If you can, talk about how incredibly angry he gets over something that doesn't turn out the way he wants, and see if you can get him to think of a way to get his anger out without destroying what he's working on. When he's calm and can put himself in that place, he might be able to have some objectivity. Then don't expect him to be able to do it at the time, but the thinking it through will pay off later. I think the reason it doesn't happen at school but only at home is that he has learned how to cope very well at school. At home he is safe to let it all hang out. That's a good thing. No worries and remember this too will pass.
Q. My ten year old daughter is a very good student (high honor roll) and never gets into trouble at school. When she is at home with her two siblings (brother age 9 and sister age 5) she acts out. She spins them up constantly and the whole house is in chaos. Bed time is horrible. She starts teasing them, chasing them, and they can't calm down enough to sleep easily. This happens every night. We have the same discussion with her day after day. We've tried taking away play dates, and privileges but her behavior won't change for long. I tried the opposite - to reward her with play dates etc. My other two need calmness in the house because one has ADHD and the other has sensory issues. Is she acting out for more attention or is she pushing our buttons? She can walk away from the chaos and calm herself down without help but my other two can't. It almost feels like she is in control. Thank you.
A. Your daughter is definitely trying to tell you something. The question is what. Since she is doing well in all other areas and can calm herself down just fine, you need to get to the root and find out why she needs to wind them up. But you will never find it if you are focused on her behavior alone-either punishing it or rewarding it. You are flipping from one end of the continuum to the other but the answer lies in the middle. Do not punish her, withdraw privileges or reward her. That is external control and she knows how to wangle that. You need to change the discussion with her. Sometime when you and she are relaxed and fine (bedtime or car time is good), start the conversation by approaching it as a problem you are having. Something like: "I need to ask you something. I've been harping on you about how you behave toward your sibs. I know you know we don't like it, but I think we have been ignoring what it is that is that you are trying to tell me. I'm wondering if you feel angry or jealous at one of them, or angry at me for something I have done, ignored or misunderstood about you." Notice you are reaching out to her and you are not asking questions. You are posing thoughts. Be genuinely curious and hold the perception that she is having a problem, not being a problem-that her behavior is merely the expression of what is going on inside emotionally. The behavior is your clue. You will not find out anything if you blame and criticize her. She is already behaving like the problem you see her as. You need to see her separate from her problem-a problem she doesn't know how to talk about. Maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's that the ADD child is getting more attention, maybe it's that she thinks you think she's a problem or can't ever be good enough.
Q. Hi Bonnie, my son is nearly 3 and I don't know how to kick the dummy (pacifier). I have just taken the night milk away along with the sippy cup. That was fine. The dummy has just disappeared for my 14mth old, that was fine. My older is totally shattered every time that I address the "giving the dummy to a little baby" conversation. Thank you.
A. It sounds like you are expecting your son to be okay with giving his dummy away. He is a different child from your 14 mo. old and is clearly more sensitive about losing his "best friend". I don't think it's a good idea to keep bringing up the subject and not doing it. Give it some space of time without mentioning it. When you are ready, let him know that on a certain day you and he are going to send his dummy away to a little baby who needs it, since he is now old enough to learn to get along without it. Show him the calendar and circle the day that should only be a few days away. Let him know that you know that it will be hard, so you are going to make it a special occasion and he will get something in return-perhaps the privilege of chewing gum for the first time, perhaps a new toothbrush and toothpaste-try to make it something connected. When the day comes (make sure you plan it for a day you can spend with him) get a box and wrapping paper. Help him wrap it up and put it in a package for mailing. Take him to the mailbox or post office and allow him to put it in or give it to the postman. (If you don't know a baby to send it to, send it to a friend, telling him that it will get to a baby who needs it.) After you send it off, get the special something. Remind him that he will not have his dummy for bedtime, acknowledge that it will be hard, as he will be learning a new habit. But assure him that even though it is hard, he will get used to it and be able to go to bed easily without it before too long. Let him know that you will sing extra songs, give him a longer back rub, read 3 more books-whatever will give him more of your attention for a few nights. Then, the key is to be able to let him be mad and upset. Just understand and hold him through it all. Know yourself that it will likely take several nights for him to get used to it. But once it is gone DO NOT go back to using one. You must be confident and know that he can handle it. Let him know that you know that. Soon he will know that too.
Stories From Readers
I took my kids to the grocery store this afternoon. I knew they were a bit tired, but I told them what my expectations were in the car. I haven't purchased a new video for them in awhile and I offered to buy one for them. The rest of the shopping trip was tough. They were really acting up. They were arguing, not listening to me, and just acting "wild", especially my daughter. I asked them 3 times to stop and make good choices. I warned them I would not buy the video. I ended up putting the video back. I did not blow up or yell or make them feel bad. I did it in a matter of fact way. I told them they could try again the next time we went to the grocery store. It sent a clear message. They got it! It was not easy to do because they were upset, but they soon got over it and I felt like I handled the situation in a good way. Its awesome to have good parenting moments!
News
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Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You'll Love to Live With
Click here to purchase at Amazon.com
Click here to read the introduction.
Teleclasses: Once the book promotion stage of my life is calmer, I will be offering teleclasses. No computer involved, only telephones to keep it simple. In the meantime, if you have a group of friends or colleagues who would like a teleclass, I will arrange a time convenient for you and cover a topic of your choice. Email or call to set up a teleclass. Cost will be approximately $20 per person depending on size of group.
Brattleboro, VT - Talk: When Your Kids Push Your Buttons. Wed. Sept. 24, 7:00-8:30 at the Brattleboro town library. Contact Mary Grove for info. mgrove@sau29.org
For the local area:
Booksignings/Talks:
Peterborough Toadstool - 11:00 am September 13
Milford Toadstool - 2:00 pm September 13
Keene Toadstool - 7:00 pm September 16 and 2:00 pm October 4
My on-going Parent/Child Connections class for parents of 6-12 year olds begins on Tuesday Sept. 16 from 9:30-11:30. Sliding fee scale. Call The Family Center (www.thefamilycenter.us) for details and registration - 603 924-6306.
Paypal payments are available for phone coaching and the When Your Kids Push Your Buttons CD set so credit card payments are possible. Use the highlighted link or go to my website on the books and CDs page or the phone counseling page under services for parents to find the Paypal button.
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
© 2011 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com