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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | July 2009 |
"We are all born rude. No infant has ever appeared yet with the grace to understand how inconsiderate it is to disturb others in the middle of the night."
—Judith Martin
To give our children the self-confidence they need, we need to allow a little rudeness once in awhile. Then think of it a different way.
Lesson: Talking Back
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It was easier and way more convenient for parents. Children knew their place and either complied if they could or were treated as bad children. I fit the first picture, my brother the second.
Even if you do not set this standard today-consciously that is-when your child says, "No, I don't have to do that if I don't want" or "You're not the boss of me" (along with that attitude) the old standard rears up. How dare my child talk back to me? I'm the parent and she must do as she is told. But what's the message? You must do whatever anyone tells you without saying a word. Hmmm. Isn't that how sexual abuse flourished? Isn't that why teens are easily influenced by more powerful teens? Isn't that often a reason for early pregnancies, unhappy relationships, miserable job experiences?
Talking back to a parent is a right our children must have. Sure, it's not as easy as getting them to do what we say. But don't you want your child to have a strong voice when injustice is being done, when negative influences are tempting? That strong voice must be honed throughout childhood. When you think your child is "talking back", realize that she is reacting to what she perceives as an injustice. Look at what you have asked and how you have asked it. Are you criticizing your child for reacting in the same way you react to your child? Even if you have asked calmly, what has your child experienced over time?
So next time you think, he's talking back, think instead, he's letting me know how he feels. Could you have done that? When you were not allowed to behave the way your child is behaving, your button will likely get pushed. Unconsciously you will expect your child to do what was expected of you. Set your expectations consciously. Speak them out loud and see if they are really what you want to guide your child to be strong and self-confident. Remember, expressing an attitude with you doesn't mean that attitude is expressed with everyone. It means you are safe. It may also mean that you need to develop the self-confidence your child has so you establish a good balance, and your child maintains respect for you along with permission to say what she doesn't like.
So when your child "talks back," say thank goodness and give yourself a pat on the back for allowing self-expression. Then you won't get your button pushed. And then you can calmly and neutrally respond and ask her to rephrase what she wants to tell you with more consideration for you.
When we view "talking back" as rude, disobedient, and inconsiderate, anger is always the result. And ironically that's why your child "talks back"!
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
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A. What goes on at your dinner table? Is it fun for the kids to be there? If they feel impatient, made to sit still and eat what they don't want, edgy to get away-forcing them to eat will only create more battles. Make dinnertime and they will hang around longer. Eat with chopsticks and toothpicks once in awhile, allow fingers for kids this young, talk about what they want, be silly, play table games like "I Spy". Then do not expect two and four year old active boys to sit for more than 15 minutes or so. Do not throw their food away. That is disrespectful and manipulative and sends the message that you have to eat my way or not at all. Remember they are not necessarily hungry when you are. There is nothing wrong with children this age coming and going from the table during mealtime. They may be grazers rather than gorgers-much healthier actually. Pay attention to their developmental stages and do not expect behavior from them that they cannot meet successfully. If you're worried about nutrition, give them supplements but remember children need far less than we think they do.
Q. My son is twelve, dyslexic, "active" and has struggled in mainstream London schools for a while. He was born 6 weeks early and has had his share of problems including still bedwetting. I am trying to teach him that he can manage school work if he prepares. I have supported him with all kinds of help including a remedial school, hiring tutors, sitting with him every night for hours (at the expense of two younger sisters). He has poor short term memory which is a symptom of dyslexia However, there are times when I think I need to step back and let him learn to cope by himself (partly because I need a break and partly because I know that he isn't learning to cope if I carry him through). Presently we have tutors to help him study for common entrance in the spring 2010. But I battle with this decision because he should learn to study without someone holding his hand. I resent having to always nag to ask him if he has studied properly? Can I see how well you know it? To which he becomes defensive and lippy. He is always asking to go on the internet. We say not until you have done your h.w. Or we say no internet during the week because it is too much of a temptation. How do I help him discipline himself? My guess is I am showing him I don't believe in him. Why won't he do it so I don't make it look like I don't believe in him?
A. Given the pressures of the British School system and the upcoming common entrance exams, I can understand your frustrations. For any parent, however, the challenges of dyslexia or any learning difference keeps us on the fence about when to step in and when back off. Your desire to let go and let him cope having given him the scaffolding you have is a good one. But be careful you are not expecting more than he can manage. You have described a happy, social kid who has disabilities in certain areas of learning. Be very specific with him about these areas, i.e. short-term memory. Don't pretend they aren't there. Make it clear for both of you that in these areas he requires outside aid and don't expect him to accomplish where he can't. The clearer you are about that, the more you can bolster his capabilities in the areas that are less of a challenge and allow him to take the lead. Together, break down the areas in which he does and doesn't need help. They will likely be in the areas of executive functioning, and language processing skills. Then problem solve. Ask the following general questions: What do you need in that area? How can we make this work for both of us? What would be the best solution for you? Put him in the driver's seat of this plan. Include times he thinks he can be on the computer and when he thinks he needs to get off. If he can't regulate that, work out a computer contract together that you both agree on. Tell him you are there (or a tutor) for the areas that are difficult for him. If he doesn't know what is most difficult, pull back slowly to discover his capable areas where he can self-motivate-this is where accomplishment and self-esteem come into play. Wherever stress arises, talk about it: What would he like? Your help or a tutor's? He will be defensive and lippy when he can't meet up to what he thinks your expectations are ("Have you studied properly?" Properly according to whom?), when you are helping/nagging in areas that he can do alone, and when he thinks he should get it right but can't. Find out from him when the hand-holding is helpful and when it is not.
Q. My son is now 4-1/2 yrs old. He has a sensitive and spirited nature and is very explosive! I try to work with his moods but find it very draining. He has had big tantrums for the last year or so. I try to help him with his angry outbursts etc. What has been really pushing my buttons is that he has started being really disrespectful in his language calling me "idiot! you idiot!" if I ask him to do things he doesn't like. It feels like his behaviour is escalating, my hair is going grayer, and I feel pretty stressed living with a cranky (and now abusive) child. Loving him, but not liking him is becoming a fairly usual feeling for me and I feel very sad about this. Any idea on consequences for this sort of name calling. My buttons are definitely pushed and it is a behaviour that I want to nip in the bud.
A. It sounds like you have a very strong-willed boy who doesn't like to be told what to do. Nothing wrong with this — it doesn't mean he is bad. It means he is very perceptive and sensitive to being treated in a way that he thinks is unfair. These kids-and there are many of them-are, in my estimation, the hope of the future! They will not be told to do what is not "right" for them. The problem comes when we try to raise them in the traditional way with rewards and punishments; when we expect them to do what we tell them because we think we know better. He is telling you that you have to find a way to make it work for him. It's likely that he can't (not won't) do what you expect. When you find out what he can't do and you adjust for that, he will respond well. This does not mean to stop asking him to do things he doesn't want to do. It means you have to ask differently. It means changing your perspective of him. Instead of seeing him as being a problem, you need to see that he is having a problem. Your requests must always feel respectful, fair and logical to him. For instance telling him you "need him to go to bed" probably doesn't fit his sense of logic. But saying, "I know you wish you could stay up as late as you want. I'm sure I would too if I were you. Since I am your mom and am in charge of making sure you get the sleep you need, it is my job to make sure you get to bed when I think you should. That will change when you are bigger and can decide when you want to go to bed." Can you see that a response like that will make more sense to him? It takes some practice but once the logic, which requires real honesty, comes through, he will respond much better. Giving him consequences for his language will only work when you change what you are expecting of him. Your job is to dig to the root of the name-calling-he feels put-upon, disrespected, unaccepted, etc. After you acknowledge his frustration and anger about whatever he doesn't like (connective communication), ask him how he thinks he can make this work or how you can work it out so you both get what you want (problem solving). He won't feel the need to call you an idiot when he gets that you understand him better
Let me know how these suggestions work with more questions or stories.
Stories from Readers
These are responses to the Lessons Newsletter earlier this month:
1. Thank you for the great advice about talking back. I appreciate the way you always bring light to the topics that we worry about most as parents. My son is almost 8 years-old and this has been an issue for me. I have immediately seen positive results in his attitude and behavior now that I'm not over reacting to his "talking back". Really, when I simply think of him as a good kid and look for the good instead of waiting for the next thing he's going to do to bother me or his little sister, my attitude has changed. I'm amazed at how much I place expectations on them that are so unnecessary! I am blessed with two sweet kids and I love them just the way they are.
2. I had to read this twice to really "get it"... it makes so much sense and I really got the part about even if you have reacted calmly, what has your child experienced over time. There are days when I feel such disrespect and it makes me feel so angry. I imagine that some of those feelings come from the way I was treated as a child and young adult and I am just very sensitive to it. Last night one of those moments was in process and I did walk away, not soon enough but better than it has gone in the past. I appreciate your work and the things I have learned.
3. When my son (5) started "talking back" to us at home, I was shocked. Statements like, "I don't want to!" or "You do it!" were becoming an every day occurance. Your comments help me realize that my son may be simply finding his voice and looking for opportunities for empowerment, rather than being rude and "disobedient." There are still times when I find it hard to stop and see the situation clearly, but your work is definitely helping me parent my children with love and understanding first, rather than submitting to the old knee-jerk reactions stemmed from my upbringing, which was "my way or the highway."
Keep the stories coming!
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