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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | July 2008 |
"I can't understand why people are afraid of new ideas, I'm afraid of the old ones"
— John Cage
Indeed it is the old ideas, memories and beliefs that trip us up every time. Why then do we fear change so much? Why do we keep listening to the old voices in our heads and refuse to listen to the new.
Lessons: Your Brain on Memories
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Sam Wang, a professor of molecular biology and neuroscience at Princeton and Sandra Aamodt, authors of Welcome to Your Brain: Why You Lose Your Car Keys but Never Forget How to Drive and Other Puzzles of Everyday Life, say that this happens because of what they call "source amnesia". According to them, a fact is first stored in the hippocampus, but each time we recall it, it gets reprocessed and gradually transferred to the cerebral cortex where it gets separated from its original context. In the re-storage process, people forget whether something they know is true or not. They tend to bestow truth on the first idea they learned rather than a corrected idea.
So what does this have to do with parenting? Everything in the world.
When a child is told that he is bad over and over, even years later when he is old enough to realize that he is not bad, he still deep down believes he is bad. We may tell our children how mad we are at them, how selfish they are being, how mean they are acting with all best intentions of motivating a change in their behavior. But what they take in is that they are maddening, selfish and mean.
The child does not take into consideration the intention of the parent. It is the message the child perceives, not the parent's intention, that gets stored. And with misremembering and reprocessing that message gets stronger. Wang and Aamodt say that, "if the message is initially memorable, its impression will persist long after it is debunked." How many of these memorable moments did you experience as a child? How much of your life is driven by your belief that you aren't good enough, smart enough, or kind enough (or a zillion other messages)? Where did these beliefs come from? You may consciously know that they're not true. It's not how you would describe yourself. But they can run your life none-the-less. And a room full of people can tell you that you are plenty smart or good enough, but if even one looks doubtful, that is the person you believe is right about you.
With what we now know of the brain, it becomes more and more critical that we give our children messages about themselves that will support them, not tear them down. Not false praise, rewards and "aren't you so special", but genuine validation of who they are and what they feel. They need to know that how they think and feel is fine, even if how they behave is not, before they can move forward with better choices.
Is there a subject you would like me to write about? Let me know.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer you directly. Your question goes in the newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep questions brief but include critical details. I'd love some questions about older children — don't want to lose those readers!
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A. I would not attempt to make it seem fun. She knows she is having a hard time keeping up and probably has decided she's dumb/not good enough/or at the least, not as smart as others. So there will be nothing fun about it. I think the best is to validate for her that it probably won't be fun. It will be important to focus on how she will feel come Sept. when she has acquired new skills and will feel much more competent. But do allow her to complain about having to go and tell her you understand how crummy it must feel. If you try to get her to see it as fun, you risk losing communication if she doesn't think you understand. Along with the acknowledgement, take her to the school a few times and walk around as much as possible. Tell her you know it feels scary and you also know that she has gotten through scary things before and ends up stronger and better for it. Ask her what she needs to feel less scared about going the first few times. Taking something with her, maybe something hidden in her pocket that she can grab onto without anyone knowing. Ask her if there is something you can help with or would she rather handle it herself. Try asking her to see herself in the situation and think about what she might do or think about that would help her. Instill her with your trust that she is capable of helping herself through and part of that may be asking for your help.
Q. My three-year old son is very impulsive, which has its good and bad sides, he's a really funny cute boy who loves having a laugh but can end up doing things that upset other kids or even hurt them, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. For example, we walked past a girl from his kindy, and he flew his arm out (he was holding a hat) and hit her with the hat) she burst into tears and was frightened and hurt. It happens on a daily basis where he hurts other kids. Often it happens when he appears to be interacting nicely and will quite randomly push them or hit them. It is usually the younger ones not kids his age. Can you help? Often I use the naughty spot or time out but it doesn't work.
A. The reason punishment doesn't work is because your son's intention is not to be mean or hurtful. So when he is punished for his temperamentally impulsive behavior, he is only confused and takes in beliefs about himself you do not want him to have. As you say, it often happens when he is interacting nicely. He is a physically aggressive child. Nothing wrong with that-it's who he is. His push or hit is his way of saying, hey, you wanta play? or you need to move or pay attention to me. Your fear is that he is going to become more and more aggressive and hit people out of meanness. But your fear is endowing his behavior and then he is left paying for your fear. Your punishment is also meant to show others that you will not tolerate aggressive behavior. After all others hold the same fears. But what your son needs is merely to be picked up and removed. Tell him that when he flings his arm out it can hit and hurt other children. Assure him that you know he does not mean to hurt and that he will learn not to do that. But for now, you must expect his impulsivity, comfort the other child's hurt, and calmly, without blame, tell your child that his action ended up hurting the other child. You can ask him if he would like to say something to her that would help her feel better but don't push it yet. The more you are understanding of him, the less you blame and punish him, the sooner he will learn self-control.
Q. What do you do when the kids are not cooperative? I try to be respectful, very respectful. I'm patient and kind. I'm a good parent. But my kids do not always cooperate. How would you talk to a friend that was doing things that were disruptive to youreveryday routine. This is affecting my family's happiness. I don't want to be the demanding authority, but at the same time I have to take this role or they would not even get dressed to go to school. I am accepting, I'm trying. The results are bad at this point.
A. The first thing to look at here is your expectation. I hear this so often, "I'm doing it right, saying the right things, but he's still acting out." I think this is often the reason parents give up on new ways and bounce back to the old techniques of reward and punishment. They try to hold a different view, speak with respect, understand their child's point of view. But their child still is not doing what is asked. So what do you expect? Do you think that if you are respectful, your child will suddenly climb onto your agenda and realize that he is better off doing what you want? Are you expecting your child's temperament to morph into an easy-going relaxed kid who wants nothing more than to please you? My advice is to keep working on the respect and let go of expecting your child to be different. After all, how long have you tried a new way? What is your child used to? How long before you think he will be able to trust you? And are you consistent with your respect? Your treatment of your child should not even be in an "if/then" conversation. There is no cause and effect link that should determine whether or not you are respectful of your child. And you can be the authority without the demand. Of course they wouldn't get dressed in the morning without you requiring it because there is no logical motivation for them to do that. Your authority must provide that motivation. Believe me I know what it's like to parent from the edges of eggshells. But remember, your child is not responsible for your family's happiness. The irony is that when you expect the changes you want in your child, you don't get them. But when you parent the way that feels good inside, the way your child needs you to just because that's what you want to do and what makes you feel good as a person, your child will respond in spades.
News
The new website URL is www.connectiveparenting.com although you will always be able to access it through www.bonnieharris.com
Watch for my new book, Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You'll Love to Live With, which will be released September 9, 2008.
Click here to read the introduction. Paypal payments are available for phone coaching and the When Your Kids Push Your Buttons CD set so credit card payments are possible. Use the highlighted link or go to my website on the books and CDs page or the phone counseling page under services for parents to find the Paypal button.
Stories from Readers
The following is a poem written by a mother after taking my course called, "Good Parents Don't Get Angry and other parenting myths."
"Aww"
Here we are hand and hand
walking down the driveway
I'm feeling so grand
letting you take the lead
and forgetting about life's speed
aww.. livin in the moment
aww.. feelin your little hand in mine
this is where I feel so fine
Nothing has the best of me
I am just letting us be!!!!!!!!!
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Email Bonnie with questions or comments at bh@bonnieharris.com.
© 2011 Bonnie Harris, LLC | P : 603.924.6639 | E : bh@bonnieharris.com