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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | June 2010 |
Lesson: Being an Authentic Parent
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I'm reading Iron Butterflies by a friend of mine, Birute Regine. Birute has compiled the stories of many women in powerful positions to discuss being a strong woman working in a traditionally male dominated world. Believing that the power of the feminine, specifically the vulnerability and ease of empathy that women naturally embody, is the key to our future success, she looks at all aspects of what women are up against in a male culture—not the least of which is her fragile self-image. The discussion of the difficulty of maintaining one's authenticity reminded me of what mothers experience in the face of strangers, relatives, society at large, who sit in judgment—or so we think—of each word and each vocal tone.
Am I being strict enough? Do I look like a push-over? Do they think my child is controlling me? Worry about the approval of total strangers can quickly knock a mother off balance and completely undermine what she knows and feels to be right. Birute says, "When the drive for external approval overrides our true and authentic selves, when external approval becomes a substitute for self-acceptance, and when external approval means denying our needs, then we invariably lose our balance."
Authenticity is lost—often at a very early age—when we learn that we must walk someone else's line, when we must deny our deepest desires to gain another's approval, when we learn that we don't count unless we do it "their" way. That denial of authenticity leaves us out of balance when our child screams, "I hate you. You're the worst mommy in the world." In public. So out of balance that many of us fall victim to the child's power and our worst nightmare becomes real. We take it personally and react. When we are out of control, our child takes the reins—not because she is out to get you, but because she's scared that you are not in control.
When our authenticity is lost, our confidence crumbles. Then our child shows his authenticity in big, bold, strong-willed behavior—sometimes inappropriately. Allowing and encouraging that growing authenticity in our child (he knows what is fair and what is not; what makes logical sense and what doesn't) and rescuing ours and then maintaining it (neither holding nor giving away our power--making sure each situation works for both of us) is the balancing act that all conscientious parents must juggle. It is the art of parenting. It's rarely either right or wrong. When we parent this way, our children never need to give over their authenticity to someone else's power.
Take the ADHD child in the public school system. Where is the authenticity of that child? Hidden away day in and day out yet fighting to come alive—the fight that usually takes him to the principal's office. Does anyone recognize his authenticity? The public school cannot afford to. For years this child feels wrong, experiences extreme frustration and depression over not being able to get it right, to be like everybody else. Whoever the child, how he grows to feel about himself determines the solidity of his foundation that carries him into adulthood and parenthood.
When we lose our way, often very young, because we must travel someone else's path, we build a persona, a wall of defense to protect the fragile, seemingly unloved self inside. It's what we do. Feeling lost as a parent, bowled over by a child's anger or argument means that that fragile self is still hurting. The good news is that the feelings of loss or helplessness mean that the wall of defense is crumbling. The self is so used to being protected that it feels vulnerable and exposed (i.e. pain)—especially in public. Digging in to rescue your authenticity means exposing that fragile self and being willing to be vulnerable. You will find your true power when you can feel strong and vulnerable at the same time.
Steps to take:
- Allow yourself to make mistakes.
- Treat mistakes as doorways to finding a different way.
- Let your children know that you don't have all the answers.
- Don't react.
- Don't worry about missing the moment to teach your child.
- Drop into the moment. Be there in the muck, not knowing what your next step will be.
- In that place, connect with your child on a genuine emotional level.
- Take at least 5 min. each day to BE with your child—no agenda, no expectations—just watch and learn.
- Accept that this is the way it is right now. Nothing more.
- Find the authenticity in being an imperfect parent.
First I want to apologize to any teachers who might have taken my remarks about ADHD children in the public school system as a criticism of their work. I had one response that included the following: "As a special ed teacher and mother of 2 ADHD kids, I know that public schools have experience, stake in, and flexibility with kids with all sorts of disabilities. Federal law insists on it. I also know few private schools that have any special interest or ability with kids with ADHD. I have spent my working life in "public schools" and have seen hundreds of kids with ADHD in regular education classrooms getting what they need through the skill, knowledge, patience and outstanding work of a team of teachers and their parents."
I absolutely made a generalization with my remark. It is true that many public schools do well with these children and many private schools do not. My remark was a reaction to the many complaints I get from parents of ADHD children who are treated inappropriately and end up feeling shame and self-doubt as a result of a system that must serve so many. In my estimation there are probably a handful of schools in the country that serve these children optimally. But as is clearly the case with this teacher, there are many in public schools who are dedicated to insuring that these children are supported and encouraged. Unfortunately too many public schools do not have the funds to give these children the help they need.
Another email came from a mother who feels authentic in her parenting but not in other parts of her life. Her connection with her children has always allowed her freedom from outside scrutinizing, but it hasn't carried over to other areas in her life. I'm sure many also feel authentic in the workplace but not at home faced with children who baffle them. Feeling authentic in all areas of life is likely experienced by very few.
Yet another email added the thoughts:
"We so often say "I can't do that, that's not really me," and we lose sight of the fact that so much of how we behave is learned and adopted and is a performance of one kind or another already. We are all capable of a much greater repertoire of behavior than we realize, the performances that feel strange and inauthentic will take a little practice to try on and get used to, but much more is within our authentic selves than we realize." So true. She went on to acknowledge that many parents who are new to connective parenting may feel "like a fake" when using the language-when being "authentic". I often say this is like learning a foreign language. We have learned from our childhoods what we have to do to get approval and acceptance-what need like plants need sun. When we have to shift off our center, become someone we're not, we get very adept at behaving inauthentically. So we must go through another learning process to find that often illusive or hidden authenticity. We all have experienced those moments with our children when we feel whole and connected, when it just feels right. But we have learned too many times what "they" think we should do to raise responsible children, so once again, we react, punish, yell because we think we should, but it doesn't feel right. I'm suggesting that being authentic always feels right because it connects with something deep inside us. And unfortunately, in order to get there, we often have to go through another learning process. This mother added: "I would argue that is it ok if it feels a little performative, "fake" at first. Like anything we learn, it is hard, and often when we are uncomfortable we are learning. As my mom says, we are not what we know but what we are willing to learn!" I love that!!
A grandmother wrote:
"This should be a class once or twice a week in school at an early age, with another one for young boys so that we can learn about the two sexes and develop an appreciation and an acceptance of one another. Our expectations are seeded so early in life and the disappointments are right there in the next row, growing right along with them! There should be one more row that grows insight, acceptance, and compassion (sprinkled with some "letting go"). If only your principles could be taught in the national school curriculum…" If each school year, every teacher had the luxury of spending one month working with children on building a classroom team and experiencing appreciation and acceptance of one another, I believe we could end bullying and most of what gets in the way of learning.
We spend too much of our lives going through the pain of what we learned to be like by unlearning. Opening up to vulnerability can be very painful. Imagine if we could be our authentic selves from the get-go. The world would be a different place. Which is why allowing our children's authenticity, even when it drives us crazy and disrupts our agenda, is the most important work we can do.
Thank you for all your wonderful comments and appreciation.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
Bedtime and Babysitters
Q. I have been reading in your book and newsletters about bedtime situations with kids who need company. Our 4.5 yo daughter has always had phases of being difficult to settle. Thankfully once she goes off it is for the whole night. Clearly something isn't working with our routine. I think I may have to spend time outside her door until she's asleep. My husband goes in the spare room next door til she drops off, and she does go off better for him. I'm concerned she's getting more tired, so I want her sleep to be better by Sept. so she is spot on for school. My main worry for the forthcoming months is that my husband and I have 4 evenings planned between now and Christmas to go out on our own. We've only been out about 6 times in the evening since she was born. I have a few friends to ask as sitters but feel very worried about the whole bedtime thing while she is like this. We do have a right to go out and enjoy some adult time don't we? I know in the past I've sometimes not enjoyed the evening as I've been worrying about whether she's being difficult for the sitter-she never has so far though.
A. It doesn't sound to me like you have much of a sleep problem. What is it that you expect? She naturally wants to be with you, and many kids have a hard time making that final break to being alone in bed waiting for sleep-it's not natural to be alone and kids don't like it. Keep a consistent bedtime routine and include in the routine when you will kiss her goodnight and leave. If you want to stay outside her door, do that and let her know how long you will be there. If you say you will stay until she goes to sleep, she may put off sleep longer and longer to keep you there. By all means go out with your husband-and many more than 4 times between now and Christmas! As a matter of fact, I recommend that you go out once a week. Kids need to have the experience of being with different people and usually love it when a favorite babysitter comes. Typically they're young and full of fun ideas. We have gotten so fearful about our kids being able to manage without us that we do them a great disservice by keeping them "protected" from outsiders. Not a good idea. Your fear about her "being difficult" is your problem, not hers. You already know she does better with your husband. She will likely do fine with a babysitter. Her resistance is probably greatest with you being her mother, and she tries to manipulate you because she knows you can be manipulated! You have the most emotional connection to her so you're the one she wants to stay with. She will be completely different with a babysitter and it is certainly time for her to get used to that. Find someone young and fun for her. It will change your life!
Teen Boundaries
Q. My 14 year old stepson, who is quite responsible, has asked us about being driven by an older driver. Since this is a new issue we are at a loss. We trust him, but the friend has a Mustang, is 19, and is my stepson's volleyball coach… and there will be 3 other kids in the car going a pretty long way. My gut says no. My husband says he has no idea what to do. Help??? He is a good kid...does not drink, etc. and makes pretty good decisions. Any suggestions?
A. Setting limits with teens is always tricky because if they don't like them, they will find a way around them. The goal is to come to an agreement which likely requires negotiation and compromise. State what you understand he wants-to drive with his volleyball coach and 3 others a good distance. Gather any more information you can about the situation that he can provide. Then tell him your concerns. Get everything out on the table. "Here's what we're concerned about. With so many kids in the car, radio on, etc. a driver can be very distracted and focused more on conversation, etc. You don't know how good a driver he is…etc." Let him argue with you about it and continue to go back and forth. You might say, "Here's what I need in order to agree to this-a few phone calls along the way to let us know you are fine, a conversation with the volleyball coach ahead of time, etc." If he balks and thinks it's stupid, tell him you completely understand that he feels that way, yet these are the conditions you will need to agree. Allow the process to bring you to your decision rather than going into it with a decision already made. That will seem manipulative and unfair to him. 14 is the peak age for a teen's desire for independence and self-sufficiency because parents are new to these kinds of decisions and are worried, so teens have to fight hard for what they want. You can let him know that this is about your growing up as much as it is about his. A 19 year old already has more independence and doesn't have to fight for it so hard. It sounds like you just need reassurance that the driver is responsible.
Deceptive Behavior
Q. I've been letting my 6th grade daughter babysit my 2nd grade son since she got her babysitting certificate a few months ago. Normally it goes well. However, on Saturday night my husband and I went to a play about a mile from home, and my son decided to "sneak out" to a neighborhood party where there was soda, junk food and Nintendo (things we don't have at home). Before we left, we had told him he was not allowed to go because he wasn't invited. Truthfully I was glad he wasn't invited because we don't know the family well and feel their son is a bad influence. When we left, my son was still angry because he knew that ALL the other neighbor kids would be there and insisted he WAS invited. (I did not believe him since he lies all the time to get what he wants). My daughter called our cell phone in hysterics when she couldn't find him. I went right to the party figuring he'd be there. (He's extremely social!) Turns out, he actually was invited, but he came home with us without too much fuss. My husband was furious but kept a lid on it. (He's trying to quit the yelling and the blaming). I calmed my daughter down and let her know she wasn't to blame. I figure it was my fault for leaving while my son was still furious. I calmly let him know that we were all worried about his safety. Then we all had a nice family hour watching a movie snuggled on the couch. A friend of mine is horrified that there was no "consequence" for my son. I think that any kind of punishment would not teach him anything but would just make him angry and when he feels blamed/unheard, he gets furious and gets even later by stealing important things from whoever yelled at him. My mind keeps going down the road of "catastrophy"… if he's doing this now then he'll be sneaking out to keg parties at 15 unless we do something! Without some fear of punishment, how am I ever going to keep my son out of this neighbor's house or other places I don't approve of? Looking at things from the standard viewpoint, I've got a bad kid who lies, steals and now also sneaks out. All I'm doing about it is trying to connect with him, make him feel more respected and understood, and hoping that eventually he'll grow out of being so self-centered that he can only think about what he wants. Is that enough? Am I doing connective parenting or am I just becoming a pushover parent and creating a monster?
A. The concern here is what is going on with your second grader to cause him to lie, steal and rebel at such a young age-what are his obstacles? I think you were right to realize that going out when he was so mad about the party and not being believed was risky. Especially with a child who has betrayed your trust, you want to set up every possible situation for success so you can confirm for him that he is trustworthy. If he keeps getting the message that no one believes him (the invitation) or trusts him, he has no recourse but to lie to get what he wants. Then you have "the boy who cried wolf" scenario. It would have been best to check out the invitation with the family so you could have acknowledged whether or not it was extended-hard to do, I know-or believed him. THEN, talk to him about your concerns about the junk food, the family, etc., as well as acknowledge his desire to be there with his friends. This is problem solving and negotiation at its best, especially when you truly do not know what your answer will be. It's not as easy as saying "no, you can't go" but it teaches so much: respect for both his and your desires, resolving a problem and finding balance so that it works for all, and making sure that he understands that you understand his desires-true connection. Dismissing his insistence on the invitation and his desire to go because you didn't want him to be there was a disconnect. Then for you to go out and have fun leaving him with his sister topped it off for him. It was an unintentional setup for failure. So this is where the "need" to lie and perhaps steal originates-when he is not heard or respected for his desires. Even desires you do not allow still need to be respected.
And where was your daughter when he snuck out? How did that happen? Instead of all cozily watching a movie, addressing the root cause of these behaviors needed to happen. Connection does not mean just having fun together. It means understanding that there is real cause for him to disobey and lie and addressing that cause. It was more important to him to be with his friends than to do what you wanted him to do. That is the issue and that is what needs serious addressing so your catastrophizing will not come true. Watching a movie swept the issue under the rug. You can still go back to it now and as a family do the problem solving. Much harder, yet way more effective than either watching a movie or giving a punishment. You must address a very social son who has learned he can get away with doing whatever he wants. You are all accountable for this situation and all of you need to go over every aspect of the evening and what led up to it to determine how best to handle the next one-because there surely will be one.
Stories
1. One of the most helpful things I learned at your 'Buttons' workshop was not to use rewards and punishments with children. Not having to create rewards and punishments was a huge relief for me. Without them there has been not only much less administration in my home, but also much less to remember and much less to argue about. I can now try to appeal to my children's inner need to cooperate. What I didn't expect was that not giving my kids rewards and punishments ended up enhancing their intrinsic motivation. If a child of mine now asks me 'what reward will you give me if I work hard for my exams', I tell them there is no prize I could ever give them that would come anywhere near to matching that fantastic feeling of 'I worked hard and I did really well.'
2. While at my son's soccer game, I found myself feeling disappointed watching him not being in to the game at all. Being parents who were both involved in sports and loved them, we really wanted our son to have the same experience. It's hard to understand why he is not interested. After the game I stayed quiet (sulking I guess). I wanted to say, "Couldn't you have at least tried?" but I knew I was still too upset. Finally after we got home I saw my moment to bring it up. As I was about to open my mouth, he stopped me and said, "Mom, don't try to change me because it is not going to help. I am who I am, and I'm just not a sports kid." Life lessons from an 8 year old-he is not me or my husband, he is who he is, and we need to get over ourselves.
Information
Contact:
Bonnie Harris, Connective Parenting
email: bh@bonnieharris.com
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