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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | June 2009 |
Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.
—Robert Fulghum
We typically react to our children with anger, criticism and blame when they won't do what we want. Then we wonder where "that attitude" came from.
Lesson: Helping Kids be Successful
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When we use rewards like sticker charts or special prizes to try to motivate "good" behavior, we ignore the cause of the behavior-the underlying motive-we're just trying to manipulate behavior. So unless a child is already motivated or will do what you want to get the prize (not the lesson you want learned), the behavior management trick will not work. As Barbara Probst says in my new favorite book, "When the Labels Don't Fit", motives and causes get confused.
My first principle, "All children want to be successful", is the belief that all children are intrinsically motivated to be successful, to please the most important people in their lives, and to do the right thing. However, when we are in fact bribing them to do what we want, we often ask them to fight against their intrinsic needs-usually temperament or development. As Barbara says, "...most behavioral plans reward a child for not meeting his needs." When we use behavioral modification to get the child to calm down, stop hitting, stop playing and clean up, sit quietly, etc., we miss the cause that prompts the behavior, or we simply ask the child to ignore his needs and meet ours.
Barbara Probst goes on to say,
"Most problems come from a conflict between need and setting, not from the need itself. A need for stimulation, variety, control, order, or solitude is just the expression of a temperamental trait. Needs only become problems when they are not met. Thus, to understand your child's reaction, you have to work backward to the specific mismatch between temperament and environment that led to the reaction."
The setting the child is in often demands the opposite of what the child needs. For instance an active child required to sit still at dinner and use table manners to please Dad must restrain himself and his need to move in order to get Dad's approval. The energy it takes for this is often too much for some children to handle. Let alone the message to the child that his needs are wrong. Cooperation will increase when this child is allowed to come and go from the table or sit on a bouncy ball instead of a chair until he is old enough to manage his energy.
Another one of my principles is "Expectations must be set for success". Our expectations must consider these temperamental and developmental needs, especially in very young children, in order for them to be successful, i.e. so they are capable of meeting our expectations. When children are misbehaving, we must dig down to the root of the misbehavior to get to the cause, the unmet need, rather than try to prod the behavior we want with gold stars or prizes.
It is disrespectful to demand that a child behave in a way that does not embarrass us, anger us, frustrate us, when it demands that the child go against her temperamental or developmental needs. She may then behave reactively. This new behavior, perceived as defiant, rude, or disrespectful is her attempt to tell us that she cannot behave in the way we want or that our tone of voice or anger upsets her. Rarely do we turn the child's defiance around to look at what in us may have provoked that defiance. Instead we label our child defiant and disrespectful-and get mad. Seldom does a child behave purposefully to disrespect us. We just see it that way.
Many children will act bossy or use an attitude when reacting to a simple request. This attitude is a habit and has come about cumulatively. Children learn to expect criticism and blame and react accordingly even when it is not there at the moment. So next time your child acts up, ask yourself, What could I have done or said differently? What is my child trying to tell me with this behavior? How would I have liked to hear what I just said or did?.
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Visit Barbara Probst's website
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
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Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
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A. Four year olds are classic fibbers. No problem with that unless you make him feel wrong and then his fibbing may get contorted. Depending on what he is fibbing about, he is likely playing around with what it would be like if.... Children fib and eventually lie for a few reasons: 1) To gain power or control (making up stories, creating false impressions), 2) to protect against getting in trouble, 3) to avoid our disappointment or anger, 4) to get what they want when they fear they can't, 5) to get into or out of a situation, or 6) when they are stressed or afraid and can't think rationally. These reasons are all understandable and reasonable. But when we get freaked out about it and what this will lead to, that's when it turns into deliberate lying that can become habit. So let it alone. You might say something like, "That doesn't sound quite like the truth to me. Want to tell me again?" But at four, don't get too worried about it. Blame is something so hard to take out of our parenting or our relationships in general and it never does any good. He blames his brother because he has felt blamed and he is in the powerful position to pass it on. The way to stop him from passing the buck is to stop blaming him. When anyone feels blamed, they are left with having to defend themselves—"He did it!" Without blame, they have the opportunity to actually witness the consequences of their actions, feel remorse, and build conscience. Replace punishment and blame with problem solving to teach responsibility. See Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids for how to do that.
Q. I have a daughter (nearly 8) who is naturally musical. She is also quite shy and doesn't like the idea of doing anything like: dance lessons (in her words - she'd like to dance but is too shy to go to lessons mixing in with other kids), singing lessons, piano lessons or anything. So I decided to teach her at home (as I used to teach) because when she does get on the piano or sings on her own, she really enjoys it. That worked better but she's still resistant. Am I wrong to make her still learn from me in a non-pressuring way so that she doesn't waste her talent? (I don't feel I am projecting my experience onto her; in general we are very much for letting her be her own person)
A. Unless your daughter's resistance is causing a real relationship problem by spilling into other areas so she is generally angry at you, I would encourage you to keep up the gentle pushing. It is only the very motivated child at this age who is eager to practice an instrument. I think it was wise of you to not push a shy child into lessons. If she is motivated as she gets older, she will push herself to do what she knows she has to do. But now is too young in my opinion. As long as the resistance is also balanced with some enjoyment, I think you are on the right track. The trick is for you to stay as neutral as possible when she gets frustrated and angry. Make sure you allow all those feelings free reign. Stay calm, empathize with her frustrations, and let her know she is very much not alone.
Q. We tried to wait longer than some to get our children video games. Last year we decided we'd try the handhelds. The first few months when we told them to get off or gave them a 10min warning, it was always a fight. We reverted to "if you don't shut it off now, you will lose your game tomorrow", etc. Last Christmas we got them a version for TV. We set limits, but after they've played for quite a while, and I've given several warnings and asked them to get off, they always say they are right in the middle of the game, can't quit now, etc. I don't know how to handle this without taking the game away. They will eventually get off but it's much longer than I want them playing. I often end up in a screaming match and of course that is not what I want.
A. This problem is one of the biggest dilemmas I come across in parenting today. Because it is a relatively new phenomenon, we don't know how all this is going to end up in the adult lives of kids who are gaming like this from young ages. Those kids are just getting there now. And of course I hear the problem situations, but it seems to me that so many kids mightily resist limits set on computers and video games-much more so than on TV. Video games can be extremely addictive and once teens are hooked, there's not a lot you can do without inciting major revolt. I don't mean to scare you but I do mean to say how important it is to find a way now and not to let it go until they are teens. I would suggest that sometime when they have not just been pulled off a game, to have a lighthearted talk with them. First tell them what a problem it has become for you and how you are almost regretting getting them the game because it feels like it's running the family. Tell them it is not working for you — don't get too heavy about it - and you need to find a way so that it works for everyone. Let them know that if you can't all come up with a solution that everyone can agree to, you will have to think really hard about getting rid of the whole system. Let them know that it has to be more than a verbal agreement because that hasn't worked. You hate that you end up yelling and you think that the system is causing a problem. Let them know that you understand how much fun it is and that it's not something you had as a kid, so you can't completely understand — also it's a male brain activity. But you want them to show you how it works and to sometimes play with them. But that first you all MUST come up with a plan that everyone agrees to follow even when it is hard to end. You need to get involved with the games so you know how they work-some require more time than others and kids don't think it's fair when you tell them to stop when they would lose what they have accomplished on a particular level of play.
Let me know how these suggestions work with more questions or stories.
Stories from Readers
Recently my 8 year old has been frustrated and angry. He came to me after an interaction with his 13 year old brother, crying and telling me that he doesn't feel like he fits in with this family and that he doesn't feel respected. Having heard this once before, I knew we should talk about it. So at bedtime, we started talking, which is not his thing. I had to be careful not to shut him down. I repeated back to him what he had said to me, and he said that he always tried to do nice things for his brother but his brother was always yelling at him and never gave in and he didn't see why he couldn't have the same right to say no once in a while. I agreed with him and asked if he would like to talk with his brother about it. He said no. I then asked if he would like me to talk to his brother and he said yes. We continued bedtime with him feeling very good about getting it off his chest. Connection.
The next morning an argument broke out with hurtful comments. I asked the older one to come with me in private. He protested that he didn't need me involved and they could handle this by themselves. I told him that I didn't like what I was hearing. He said if his brother had a problem with it he would have told him and it was his fault if he couldn't say what he felt.
In a non-judgmental way, I told my older son how his brother might feel intimidated by him and also what he had said about not feeling respected or fitting in with the family. There was an immediate change in the older's body language when he heard this. He became very quiet and attentive and it was obvious that he was feeling empathy and remorse. He listened to all that I had to say. He then gave me a hug and said "thanks Mom for talking to me". Connection.
It's been about three weeks since this happened and there hasn't been a need to intervene in any "arguments" between them. I have not heard the younger say that he doesn't "fit in" again. In fact, they seem to be much closer with lots of hugging. Brotherly love.....?
Keep the stories coming!
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