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When Your Kids Push Your Buttons:
The Newsletter
by Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed.
Issue 48 - Catch 22
"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."
— Henry David Thoreau
No one ever said this parenting business is easy. If we want real and lasting change-both for ourselves and our children - we must put in the effort to change.
Coming next month, a redesigned newsletter! Look for two shorter newsletters in your mail box each month! The first will be my discussion of keypoints, and the second will be questions, answers and stories. Let us know how you like the new format!
Discussion of Key Points — Catch 22
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So a Catch 22 victim might be a child whose nature (her own internal rule) tells her to shut down if she is overstimulated in the grocery store. Shutting down for her may be collapsing on the floor or running wildly through the aisles. In either case, she has temporarily lost control of any coping mechanism because she can't filter out all that is coming at her. If her parent, mortified by onlookers, puts pressure on her to calm down, stand or sit calmly in the cart under threat of punishment, she is trapped. She can't behave successfully since she is unable to follow either her internal (temperament) or her external (parent) regulations. If her internal problem (overstimulation) is understood and accepted, her parent can help her solve her problem. But if the parent is caught in her embarrassment and a button has been pushed, the child is caught in a catch 22. Teens want and need independence but parents are continually telling them to listen and obey. When they are told to take a shower, get off the computer, do their homework, be in at the parent's determined curfew, these restrictions do not fit with their internal state of development. They are growing at a far greater speed than most of us can keep up with. Our expectations must change from those appropriate for an eleven or twelve year old. Setting new expectations, allowing decision making and hearing their strong opinions does not mean letting go of limits and guidelines. It just means they need to make sense out of our concerns. Our criticisms and nagging do not go down well and create the resistance we fear. Catch 22s have no logic to them. Children thrive on logic.
How many of us were brought up having to find a way to cope with the expectations of family, school and society whose rules we didn't easily adjust to? For some, we worked hard to change, to adapt; for others it wasn't possible and life has been lived on the fringe. It is so important for us to validate for our children that who they are, how they learn and process things are exactly right for them. Many of our children are strong- willed and determined to find their own way. Do not assume this is disrespectful and resistant. Many children do not like to be told what to do. There are many ways to encourage these children to follow our regulations with choices, negotiation, and problem- solving. If it feels fair and logical to these smart, persistent, highly skilled children, they will rise to most any challenge. If they sniff out a Catch 22, it will feel unfair and they will battle for victory. Imagine what it would have felt like to go through life knowing that who and how you are is absolutely okay.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer you directly. Your question goes in the newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep questions brief but include critical details. I'd love some questions about older children — don't want to lose those readers!
Q. My 7 yr. old daughter got a gumball machine for her birthday and has been chewing gum and lying about it. I've been trying to treat this very lightly, saying, "It's not a big deal, all kids sneak a candy now and then, what's important is that you tell me the truth." Still she insists she's telling the truth. This is becoming a pattern, which concerns me. I'm wondering if it has to do with her image of herself as a "good" girl, which seems really important to her. When confronted with the issue she chose to put the gumball machine out of reach but the pattern continued with Easter candy. How do I convince her that it's safe to tell me the truth?
A. Your situation is an example of how we unintentionally set our kids up to lie. If you allow your daughter to keep her gumball machine in her room, she should be allowed to chew the gum when she wants. If you don't want that, you should control the gumball machine. I think that giving her control and trusting her to make good decisions is fine. You can talk about when you think it is not a good idea, and too much gum is not good for her teeth, etc. But you are expecting her to ask your permission to have a piece when it is actually under her control-an unrealistic expectation. She knows it's important to you that she not have gum whenever she wants, so when you questioned her about it, she was protecting herself from your disappointment. If you knew she was chewing gum, the appropriate thing would have been to acknowledge it-"I'm pretty sure that you are chewing gum a lot, and my concerns about that are (fill in the blank)" But when you ask, "Are you chewing gum?" it feels accusatory and you set her up to lie to protect herself and you from your disappointment. So let her know that you trust her to make good choices about when to have gum and when not, perhaps tell her that you will only buy gum for the machine after a month- but then let her choose. I wouldn't consider her "no" a lie, but more of a way to keep you from being upset.
Q. I am a single parent with a spirited little boy who has just turned 4. I love him dearly but have found his behaviour a challenge for the last couple of years. He has had lots of tantrums and angry outbursts. He is willful and fairly inflexible, pushes most boundaries I lay down, and does not like transitions or change. I understand he is sensitive to these things and that his outbursts signal an inability to deal with what is arising. While not giving into him, I have tried to stay present with him or give him space and try to help once his storms are over. This has been a major challenge and my buttons are often pushed. I struggle to contain my own anger when it is really bad. Though some days I have been in tears, mostly I can deal with it. Lately though he has started spitting. After trying it out a bit he got the message that spitting wasn't what you do. He has largely stopped but when angry he spits and worst of all he spits at me. He sometimes also picks up chairs and throws them. I tell him to put them down, that its ok to be angry but not to break and throw things. If he continues, I take him to his room to contain him until he calms down. The spitting at me (with a look of anger) absolutely pushes all of my buttons though, and I find it so hard to contain myself. It disgusts me and I feel so "beaten", "abused" as his mother and he's only 4! Spitting while he is throwing furniture at me is a double act that I really don't know how to deal with. I pick him up and take him to his room as a way of changing things and try to breathe while I calm down. When he is in these outbursts, mostly when he is tired, there is no stopping him, and I feel overwhelmed by the intensity. Do you have any strategies to help me deal with this scenario.
A. It sounds like you are doing an excellent job at containing your reactions and understanding that your son is having a problem and not being a problem (the most important concept to keep in mind when he is acting out). The rageful behavior comes up when he is stressed often for reasons you may not know. I think you can only go so far with rechanneling his anger. To eliminate the throwing and spitting, you must get to the root of it. I'm wondering when it was that you and your ex split. Does that have anything to do with it? Perhaps he is suddenly angry at not having his dad around. And that might not be it at all. In the moment, very firmly tell him that you don't allow people to spit at you and you hope that he will never allow anyone to spit at him. Tell him to spit in the sink or in a cup or bucket. I would suggest that sometime when things are good and the two of you feel relaxed, that you easily bring up his reactions. Something like, "You know I feel concerned about the times when you get so mad that you want to throw things or spit at me. I don't like that and I'm sure it feels awful to you, too. It's not a fun place to be when you feel so angry. I'm wondering if you know what makes you feel so angry at those times. Maybe the way I ask you to do something, or thinking that I don't understand you." Notice there are no questions, just statements. That way he feels less confronted and is more likely to answer and engage in a conversation. If he is willing to talk about it, ask him what his spit would say if it could talk. Let him know that you think if the two of you can work on it, you might be able to find an answer. Ask him if he thinks that when he's so angry, he could spit in the sink, etc. If he agrees, tell him that you will help him if he forgets. And ask him what he thinks would be the best thing for you to do when he gets so angry. He might have a good answer. The important thing is to instill him with your trust that you know he doesn't like it anymore than you do. And I'm sure it will pass.
News
I have begun a Blog - check out blog.connectiveparenting.net - and contribute your thoughts.
The first pilot teacher training "When Your Students Push Your Buttons" will be held Friday July 11, 10:30 am to 4:00 pm, at the Seacoast Birthing Center in Stratham. The special introductory fee is $50 per person, plus an additional $10 workbook fee. Click here for more information.
I will be giving a Webinar Buttons certification training Aug. 13, 14, and 15 for two hours each day from 11:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. Click here for more information about the upcoming webinar. If you are interested in becoming a certified Buttons educator, please contact me for more details.
Web Class: My first Web Class went well except for a few technical glitches. Once ironed out I will be giving another, although not yet planned. I would love to hear from you about times of day that would work best for you. I would like to offer different times so many time zones can call in.
The new website URL is www.connectiveparenting.com although you will always be able to access it through www.bonnieharris.com
Watch for my new book, Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You'll Love to Live With, which will be released September 9, 2008. Click here to read the introduction.
I now offer paypal payments for phone coaching and the When Your Kids Push Your Buttons CD set so credit card payments are possible. Use the highlighted link or go to my website on the books and CDs page or the phone counseling page under services for parents to find the Paypal button.
Stories from Readers
My husband bought a new car last night. The girls (3-1/2 and 5-1/2) have enjoyed car shopping with him and were excited to pick it up after dinner and ride home in Daddy's new car rather than the old van. I should mention that the old car was so old that the girls never were in it, since we didn't think it was safe enough. The dealership kept us there quite late, so the girls were very late for bed and obviously overtired. My husband and I were completely taken by surprise when both girls totally fell apart once we got home. Both of them sobbed and sobbed about how much they missed the old blue car, how they didn't like silver, how the new car was babyish, how the older one had been planning to drive that car when she was bigger, how the other loved that car so much and wanted it for her doll, etc., etc. My husband started by trying to explain all of the great new things about the new car, which gave me an Aha! moment from your book. I realized that the girls didn't want to hear about their future with the new car - they wanted to feel sad about the loss of the old car. We then stopped talking about the new and let THEM talk about being sad about old. The 3-1/2 yr. old seemed to think she was getting a new daddy with the new car (we were a little confused about exactly what she was saying but she kept saying something about not liking having a new daddy). The older made the point that this was the first time she had ever gotten a new car (didn't tell her it was ours, too!). She actually said that she was surprised to be feeling so badly because she expected to be happy and excited. By not trying to "solve" the situation and by listening to the kids, we were actually able to have a productive conversation about feelings. I offered to print each girl a picture of the old car to hang in their room, which they liked, and they were able to settle down and go to sleep. I felt good about not shutting them down and dismissing them; although what I had wanted was for them to stop crying and go to sleep. I'm so glad it was accomplished this way and not by yelling at them to be quiet or by leaving them crying alone in their room. I hope they felt understood.
This newsletter focuses on some of the key points in my book with new thoughts and practical applications. Hopefully it will help the "swimming upstream" struggle we face in changing our parenting from what many of our friends, relatives, teachers and a good deal society expect from us.
What I ask in return is your help in spreading this message. Please forward this to any friends or family you think might benefit, encourage them to subscribe to the newsletter and to buy the book, When Your Kids Push Your Buttons And What You Can Do About It (Warner Books, 2003).
In order for this newsletter to be rich and interesting, I need your questions and stories. You can ask a question from your daily parenting life or you can ask me to elaborate on certain ideas from the book or any previous newsletter. Depending on the number of questions, I may or may not be able to get to all of them in the following newsletter. Your question might be the basis of the discussion of key points or might be in the question and answer section. Please make it as short and succinct as possible and give your children's ages. Many readers assume I have more questions than I can answer, so they don't ask — this is not true unless I tell you otherwise. Ask away!
Fondly,
Bonnie
Bonnie Harris Core Parenting
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