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Lessons for Everyday Parenting
| The Connective Parenting Newsletter | May 2010 |
Lesson: Risk-Taking = Competence Building
|
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After some of the boys tired, they swam to shore where I watched a father give a lesson on floating. The father insisted that their legs be out straight and their arms relaxed so they could float with no effort. "If you're in trouble and trying to swim to keep afloat," he warned, "you'll use up needed energy. This way you're relaxed and can last much longer." Survival training. The boys were excellent students and learned fast. Motivation was strong as there was an abundance of trust and respect present.
"Go far, take risks!" this father called out to them. It struck me that too many of our children today miss out on this important lesson. We are even fearful of letting our children outdoors. From pedophiles, to ticks, to broken arms, many parents fear the consequences of letting their children out of their sight. They hover, they nag, they "helicopter" to insure their children's safety. But at what cost? These boys I watched were carefully supervised by their fathers, while also being encouraged to take risks, accomplish what they were capable of, and build self-esteem in the accomplishment. One of the boys did a flip mid-air into the water. Later on in the sand dunes, he taught the other boys to flip into the soft sand.
I spoke with a couple of the fathers who both expressed the careful attention paid and the important lessons their boys were gaining. "They have so much self-confidence and competence," one father said. I proposed that this is how they learned it. To be trusted and supported in taking risks and feeling proud of their accomplishments. Self-esteem cannot be given with praise and accolades. It is learned intrinsically when our children are given opportunities in which their talents can grow and excel. The important lesson for us is that our children may have aspirations and impulses in areas that cause us concern, fear or disapproval. Watch that you are not attempting to raise the child you want rather than the child you have. Own your fears; don't ask your children to take responsibility for them.
Pay attention to your interactions with your children. Are you using fear as your motivator to keep your children safe or are you guiding them in accomplishing tasks and feats that satisfy their yearnings and talents&38212;even if they scare you? Are you letting them follow their bliss or are you training them in directions of your choosing? They don't have to jump off cliffs, but their wishes and desires can be your guide if you recognize them.
Are you a risk taker? If so, you likely have little problem with your children's risk taking. If not, you will likely focus on all that can go wrong, how badly they can get hurt, how disappointed they will be if they don't make it. This is the stuff of letting go--the most important aspect of giving your children wings to fly. When you allow risk taking, you give your children your trust in their capability and competence. You also allow them to make mistakes, feel disappointment, and get hurt. Who has ever gained prominence without first falling down?
The lesson is that in order to go far, risks must be taken. Will your children be capable of going far under your tutelage? Or will their risk taking turn rebellious and dangerous without your support and trust? That choice is up to you.
- When your child asks if he can do something, instead of saying no or I don't have time, ask, how can you make that happen?
- Even when aggression is the strong tendency, do not be put off by your fear of violence. That fear is yours. Aggression is neither positive or negative.
- When your child wants to do something that is not okay, tell him what or where he can do it instead.
- When your child shows a desire to do something dangerous, i.e. light matches, teach her how instead of telling her not to. When you give permission, your child is more likely to follow your rules, i.e. make sure a parent is always
- with you when you light a match.
Questions or comments? Let me know what your thoughts are.
Questions and Answers
I want your questions. Here's how it works: You email me a question to bh@bonnieharris.com, and I answer pretty quickly. I put it in a newsletter at a later date. Please try to keep them brief without leaving out critical details.
Innate Helpfulness
Q. After reading your response to the "no" question in your last newsletter I had a question. You stated, "focus your words on your trust that [children] do like and want to be helpful, since they like it when you are helpful to them (give them an example)." Here's my question — just because a person likes the result of someone else being helpful to them, why would that mean they'd want to be helpful to someone else? Of course, many times people will feel more inclined to be helpful in some situations over others. Other times there will be times when "being helpful" needs a boundary set because otherwise we'd all just be givers and get worn out… Or there just may be a time when "being helpful" is not in the interest of the person at that moment. As for house chores — I approach it with my teens that we are a family and a family is a team. No one person should be doing it all.
A. This is a really good question because it gets to the heart of this philosophy. The statement of mine you quoted should end with, "no matter what." It is up to us to send our kids our trust that they do ultimately want to be helpful even and especially when they are not being helpful. We need to get down to their core where that desire to be helpful resides underneath all the defenses they have built--that place where they don't want to lose face if they are trying to make a point. When kids resist us, it is because it is a way for them to gain power when they feel powerless or controlled. In order to get our relationship back in balance, we need to be the ones to lead the way. I'm not suggesting that you say to an angry or resistant child, "I know you really want to help me," but it is the power of our intention and perception that is important. In the face of that resistance, hold the intention in your mind that beneath everything, my child really wants to help and please me but there is an obstacle in his way. When you recognize the presence of an obstacle--that he is not doing this on purpose to punish you--then you will find some compassion for his problem. The problem or obstacle could be a message he has heard from anyone that he is not good enough, wrong, a troublemaker, lazy, etc. It is this problem that causes him to resist helping you. Once he feels understood and accepted (not his resistance but that he feels resistant) rather than feeling blamed for not doing what you ask, which only expands his obstacle, he will want to cooperate. This is fundamental stuff and really hard to get to when patterns have built up for a long time and children have learned that their power comes in resistance. But we can't expect them to be the grownup first and find a way to break that cycle. Your team approach is a good one. That is our goal—to make the family a high functioning, smoothly operating team.
House Rules
Q. I read with interest the question about the teenager and tidying their room. Although I can accept they wouldn't be bothered if it is their domain that wasn't tidy, what about if their stuff is in the more communal areas of the home and is a nuisance to others? Do you have any tips on how to get kids to appreciate/tidy the other areas of the home?
A. While their room is their domain, as is your bedroom, the rest of the house is to be respected by everyone. A non-judgmental talk about ways to keep the rest of the house in a state that everyone can be comfortable with is in order. Give everyone the opportunity to share what is and is not okay with you concerning the cleanliness/tidiness of each communal room. Remember it has to work for all of you, so if your child doesn't care or even likes the rooms messy, your desires must be respected. "So even though you don't care about it, the rest of us do, so how can we make this work?" Don't have the answer. If you do, you will be imposing your agenda and appear controlling. If you genuinely are asking how the problem can be solved, your child will not feel blamed or wrong and will be more willing to cooperate with an agreement. Collaboration and problem solving will encourage a great deal more cooperation than telling your kids what they have to do and how they have to do it or blaming them for being inconsiderate or disrespectful. One rule we established was that anytime shoes were found in areas other than the mudroom, the stairs, or bedrooms, they would be thrown down the cellar stairs! It worked. And don't you know how much my kids loved finding my shoes and throwing them down the stairs!
No
Q. Toddler Anger Q. My son is 20 months old and going through a stage where he throws things when he is grumpy, bangs his head on the tiles/wall/cot/absolutely anything there, all if he doesn't get his way. I am seeking help from a psychologist at my local hospital but not getting too far with them at the moment. I would love to hear what you think.
A. Your son is at the developmental peek of egocentrism and will be for a few years. The fact that he is angry when he doesn't get his way is developmentally typical. That doesn't mean it is easy parenting him. But if you know there is nothing out of the ordinary going on with him, you will be more relaxed and that will effect his behavior. The fact that he is head banging (something that many toddlers do but no one seems to understand), which he will grow out of, and throwing things indicates that he likely has an intense temperament and feels things very strongly and does not fear letting you know how he feels (a good thing). Do not squash that. But do watch what his fury is in reaction to. What have you just said? What has he just experienced? If you have told him "no" or made him do something he doesn't want to do, find a way to tell him what he can do. For now, he is particularly sensitive to being told what to do—he may always be. For example, instead of "No you can't have ice cream now" try "You can have ice cream the next time we go to the ice cream store. Let's mark it on the calendar when we can do that" or "You can have ice cream after we finish our dinner. Let's look at the clock and see when that will be." Instead of, "Lie down and take your nap," try rubbing his back while saying, "After you have had a short nap, we will be able to go to the park. Maybe you can dream about that. Tell me if you do." This is a habit you can establish, especially if he is a child who doesn't like to be told no. This does not mean you can't ever say no. But it may ease situations if you can look at it in a positive rather than negative light. Be sure and give him choices about things. "You can either pick up that toy you threw and put it in the box or hand it to me. Which do you choose?" Be sure not to punish him in anyway—that includes time out. It will infuriate him further and doesn't work anyway unless it is a step up from hitting or verbally abusing him. His behavior is your clue that he is frustrated and angry, and any negative feedback will only create more of an obstacle for him to deal with.
All questions are encouraged and I especially need questions about age 11 on through teens.
Stories
1. I asked my nine year old about how she used to write so much and now she doesn't write at all, not even notes to us like she used to. She said, "Maybe it's because when I was in 2nd grade, my teacher made us write in our writing journals by prompting us what to write about instead of letting us write about whatever we wanted and that made me lose my eagerness for writing." Out of the mouths of babes.
2. This morning I said to my 6 year old: Did you know Mom and Dad are still learning how to be parents? Her eyes bugged out of her head for a minute. Then she smiled the biggest smile… Later, when I asked her in a happy lunch moment, what do you need from me when you are having a tantrum, and I don't know what to do? she said: "maybe you could hand me Skipper or Dash (her stuffed animals) and sit on the chair and wait. Oh, and love."… Lordy, I wish we could all be that clear at 8 pm when all hell is breaking loose…
Upcoming Events
NEW!
Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids - Now available as a 5 CD set read by Bonnie.
Both CD sets available only from my website.
Maine - Rockport/Camden area
July 20-21, 9:30-3:30
When Your Students Push Your Buttons: A training for teachers and school personnelJuly 23, 24, Fri. 9:30-2:30, Sat. 9:30-12:30
Bonnie Harris, Judith Orme
Cost: $260, Early Bird $220 by June 18
10 contact hours
Exact location: TBA
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Transforming Power Struggles into Cooperation and Responsibility: for parents and professionalsSave the dates:
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Note: Judy and I have been long time friends as well as colleagues. We think alike and teach alike, so we have begun a partnership to teach and train together.
Another When Your Kids Push Your Buttons workshop for parents is planned for Wednesdays Sept. 29, Oct. 6, Oct. 27, and Nov. 3 in Harvard, MA. Details to come later.
Information
Contact:
Bonnie Harris, Connective Parenting
email: bh@bonnieharris.com
phone: 603-924-6639
website: www.bonnieharris.com
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